Broke up with girlfriend for the right reasons but still want her back

[Beachead]

4 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I was speaking to a friend about this a few minutes ago and mentioned what I said to her. There was something that I said that she thought was very petty. Now I'm really worried that I portrayed myself poorly. This is part of the message I sent to her:

"I know you’ve big regrets about what happened and I don’t doubt that. But with everything that preceded it and that you’re not asking for forgiveness or a second chance, I think the feelings are kind of one way. I may be totally wrong, but that’s the sense I’m getting. That’s life and I can’t judge you for that."

My friend thought that it seemed that I demanded that she be distraught and devastated over the breakup and my subsequent behaviour - the texting, the requests to meet - have probably convinced her that I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

Just when I thought I could move on, my mind is spinning about saying something so stupid. Why can't I just keep my mouth shut.

How she interprets that is up to her now.  You cannot hold yourself solely responsible for how she feels about the breakup, what she thinks, what she chooses to do.  You are not the sole determinant for why a person does what they do.  Recall, you are only PART of an equation that several factors for why a person does what they do.  They are motivated by their past relationships.  Their family.  Their friends.  Their trauma.  Their stage in life.   All these things contribute.  Do you have control over those things?  No.  Yet, they do play a role in her choices.   

There's nothing wrong with that message.  You were expressing how you felt and trying to clarify something, but now everything has been said and done and the interactions should stop.  Like I said, if you keep talking to her, you will give yourself more things to dwell on, which will continue to keep you stuck on her.

Dating right now isn't a good coping mechanism.   It's about as bad as drinking...probably worse.  Because you are involving someone else into your hurricane of thoughts.  If things progress with the new person, you will you transfer habitual behaviour and feelings from your past, towards this new person and not treat them as their own AND you will eventually realize, you're not ready for something serious.  By then, you've already lead them on.  They will get hurt, and you will feel terrible about yourself.  Be mindful and responsible with not just your own heart, but with the heart of someone else, and don't bring in new feelings into your life, when you're still dealing with your ex's and especially your own.

You asked earlier, how to heal from a breakup because of the pain you were in.

1.  Time

2.  Let yourself feel what you have to feel in its entirety so that you can understand it, learn to live with it, begin to work through it, and then overcome it.  Although you will go through periods of ups and downs, with time, the process will bring you strength and clarity and emotional stability.  You'll need to allow downtime for yourself for this to happen.   To help with this, use journaling to help you focus those thoughts and feelings onto paper, where you can see all of it with your own two eyes.

• Exercise 1: Vent it all out.  No filter.  Do not worry bout what comes out.  Its for you. 
• Exercise 2: Write out two things in your life you're grateful for to prevent yourself from getting too negative.  It could be as simple as a cup of coffee or a shower.  By focusing on things in your own life, that you look forward to, you subconsciously practice yourself into paying attention to the good things that already pre-exist.   
• Exercise 3: I mentioned this earlier but  continue to negatively reinforcing what this girl did, how it impacted you, and why the relationship had to end to counter thoughts of missing her and wanting to reconcile.  You will get weak and reading what you wrote for this exercise, will snap your mind right back into place.  It may even stop you front contacting her.  This is the one of the few times you should practice negative reinforcement.   

3. Don't give up on yourself.  Live your life.  Get plenty of rest.  Eat right.  Exercise.  Think about something you wanted to do which you never got started on; something constructive to do, that'll bring back to you something that you'll feel proud off.   Examples are taking up a new instrument.  Photography.  Take a few courses to help with the career or something else.  Cooking.  Exercise like biking or running etc.  But do not make yourself too busy such that you have no time at all.  You need downtime to let your feelings process.

If you do this, you're going to be alright.  Expect ups and downs through the process.  Some days or weeks will be far worse than others and sometimes it may feel like you've gone backwards.  Don't worry if that happens.  It just means you may need to address something you're not dealing with or something you did that was a mistake.   In about a year's time, you'll notice a big difference in your state-of-mind.  You may not be fully recovered but you will have recovered quite a bit.  Your healing/grief doesn't care about how fast you want to get better.  It goes at the pace it goes at.  All you can do is, make that process as smooth as possible by making the right choices for yourself along the way.

- Beach

 

Edited August 13, 2020 by Beachead

[zincmagnesium8]

Thanks for the tips for moving on. Unfortunately some of those things you suggested I already did pre-breakup and am continuing to do them (exercise, eating right, hobbies etc.). But ultimately I think time is all I need to move on.

Just to keep you updated, I thought this was all over and done with (which it kind of its), but she messaged me last night. She said she never asked for forgiveness or a second chance because she didn't think she deserved it and that I made the right decision calling things off. She had to come to terms with it very quickly and try to move on because she saw no other way.

She said she wouldn't totally write off anything happening between us in the future, but can't see it happening any time soon. She said she won't delete or block my number so that either of us can reach out at anytime if we want to, but also understands if I want to cut ties completely.

I'll consider this a write off and will politely reply wishing her all the best. I'm not going to be hanging around waiting for that future text that may never come.

I know this is a bit of a saga, but just thought I'd keep you all updated!

[schlumpy]

The outcome is not what you wanted but it rarely is if you live a principled life where you have value.

[zincmagnesium8]

On 8/14/2020 at 1:34 PM, schlumpy said:

The outcome is not what you wanted but it rarely is if you live a principled life where you have value.

This is so true.

I think cutting ties is the best thing I could have done. There's only two possible outcomes:

1. I move on and find someone else
2. We reconcile after a while and start afresh

There's no way I will hold out for Option 2. In the past I was dumped by an ex who I hadn't heard from in over a year and she reached out unexpectedly. I was crazy about her and was very broken up about the relationship ending. We tried to make it work, but after all that time the feelings had faded. She wanted me to change after the first breakup (which she was right in wanting), but she hadn't expected me to change so much so as to no longer want to be with her.

From that experience I've learned that a lot of people go no contact with the hopes of Option 2 but end up with Option 1, and for the better.

[Wiseman2]

1. Seems to be your only option. Too much distrust and bad blood. Put it behind you.