Quarantine Is making it hard to Gain Trust in BF Again :/

[Ladiixmk]

My boyfriend (33) and I (26) have been in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years now. However, things weren't always so great....

3 months into us dating, he tells me he wasn't ready for a relationship at the moment because "he just got a new job and new car". I didn't like that response and questioned it a few weeks after. He then confesses that he's currently in a 7 year relationship with another woman, however their relationship has been broken. I told him he had to decide between me and her. The next day, he tells me he wants to be with me. However we didn't become an official couple until 4 months later, when I brought up our status again.

In May of 2018, he tells me that he feels guilty about what he did to his ex. We had a discussion and it seems like he was just using me to get over her. So I broke up with him. That lasted for 1 month, 'til he came back and said he wanted to try things out again. I agreed to do so (*sigh*), but that only lasted for another 3 months, when he admit he couldn't continue on with the relationship because he still feels guilty and can't give me the love that I want.

3 months later, in Dec. 2018, he comes back into my life. He explains that he has healed 100%! He talked to his ex, and gained the closure that he wanted! Great, but I told him I really don't trust him but I would like to continue talking to him. My intuition was right because in April of 2019, he came clean and said he actually did not feel like he healed 100%. He also tells me that he lied about his ex girlfriend - she was actually his fiance and he called off the wedding. He said he wants to heal while being in another relationship with hopes that he can get over his past and treat the next woman better. I, once again, did not like this response at all. That's when he starts to turn on me - saying he's always been a good guy, that I don't appreciate all the good things he has done to me, etc. I felt bad, so I told him we can keep talking and work on the trust issue. He agreed to do so.

So it's been over a year since that incident, and things actually have been going by well. We both believe that our relationship did a complete 180 - we communicate better, we understand each other better, etc. I'm also unemployed for about a year and looking for a job, and only lately he has been very helpful (though it definitely did not start out that way). He also keeps talking about our future - he wants me to move to his state, and to meet my parents. He thinks everything is going great.

However - I honestly don't think I 100% trust him... and there are nights where I overthink and feel stressed.

He has said some things that were a bit of a red flag to me - like how he hasn't told a couple of his friends about me, or how "if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship at the moment" that means he's definitely not into you (though he said this to me when we first started dating). The last time I saw him, he didn't bother getting me any gift even though we didn't see each other for Christmas, New Years, and Valentines' Day (though I got him a couple of gifts). I've sent small things like a postcard during quarantine, but he hasn't sent anything back. Our anniversary had passed - neither of us has said anything. Last week he told me "I would drive up to see you, but man you're 12 hours away! That's too long." I told him that I would drive to see you if I had a car, and all he says is "aww you're so sweet".

And I feel like I stick with him because I am very lonely. I have friends, but they live very far away, have boyfriends, or don't really respond to texts. At least with my boyfriend, we have a ton of similarities so we can talk about everything. We can spend over 4 hours on the phone just talking.

I'm scared to talk to him about this issue again because he might say I don't appreciate him. Quarantine has made this issue harder because I haven't seen him in months - we've only face timed twice. I suggested playing a game on the ps4, reading a book together, watching a Netflix series.... he doesn't take it on. 

Should I talk to him and try to find ways to repair us? Or, if I were to break up with him, how do I combat the loneliness that I will face - mind you I'm unemployed and quarantining....

[Wiseman2]

Have you met in person?

[Ladiixmk]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person?

Yes, we’ve met in person multiple times. 

[Ladiixmk]

Oops and I just realized an error in the title... I meant "trust my bf" not "gain trust". 

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl. GIRL. 

What are you thinking?

You should never have let this clown back into your life the moment you found out what a ginormous liar he is. He's been awful from the beginning, and has no respect for you. Your relationship is built on lies, deception and disrespect. This isn't love, hon. You are not over-thinking. This guy cannot and should not be trusted and you should have got rid of him ages ago. I would bet my bottom dollar that there is still much more he's hiding from you. I can promise you, he's not going to stick around forever and heaven knows who else has in his life right now that you don't know about. You know he's more than capable of seeing multiple women at once. 

I know you are lonely, but that is not a good reason to stay in a sham relationship. It's not as though this person is really keeping you company anyway, is it? So yes, you need to end this. You can work on the loneliness by joining online interest-based groups to meet other like-minded individuals to make friends with. There are plenty out there, especially since the pandemic began. You don't have to live in total isolation. 

You deserve so much more than this. After breaking up, the next important step will be to address your self-worth. It needs work, if this is the sort of thing you tolerate and allow in your life. 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, angelsface200 said:

Yes, we’ve met in person multiple times. 

Perhaps this is a wake-up call that you need to end things.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I had a look at your previous thread about this guy. In March 2019. 

Even then, you were worried about being with him. How much more heartache do you really need to endure to understand that this relationship is a trainwreck that you need to extract yourself from? 

[Mystery4u]

He does not love you.

You are wasting your time with him.

Cut off all contact and find someone who appreciates you for you.

[d0nnivain]

You said it yourself, you stick with him because you are lonely.   You don't love him.  He doesn't love you.  On some levels you are using each other.  You could skate through & hide the flaws before lockdown but now all the bad stuff & the lack of a real connection that is ever going to grow into happily ever after is glaringly obvious.  

Cut yourself lose.  Yes, you will miss those 4 hour conversations, but as long as you are tethered to him you deprive yourself of the opportunity to find a truly fulfilling relationship. 

[ShyViolet]

Just because you are lonely, that is not a reason to stay in a terrible relationship.  This guy has lied to you multiple times, and has repeatedly acted like he's not that into this relationship.  My god, stop wasting your time with this guy.  It's better to be lonely than to be in a bad relationship.  You can find someone else.

[snowcones]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You said it yourself, you stick with him because you are lonely.   You don't love him.  He doesn't love you.  On some levels you are using each other.  You could skate through & hide the flaws before lockdown but now all the bad stuff & the lack of a real connection that is ever going to grow into happily ever after is glaringly obvious.  

Cut yourself lose.  Yes, you will miss those 4 hour conversations, but as long as you are tethered to him you deprive yourself of the opportunity to find a truly fulfilling relationship. 

This.  Time for you both to grow up.

[Ladiixmk]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Perhaps I do need to end things. I'm tired of feeling like this.

[xxcazaxx]

My opinion is that a leopard never changes its spots.  If I were you I would always have at the back of my mind would he cheat on me like he cheated on his ex.