Girl lied about her plans. How should I handle the situation? Am I being too petty?

[snorkelfilm]

Hey,

I am in an iffy situation right now. I normally don't use forums a lot so I am sorry for anything that's against any "etiquette".

So: Around 3 Weeks ago I met this girl. Let's call her Jessy. Jessy was a great person. We started platonically hanging out - had lots of fun.
I then asked her to get dinner with me - she happily said yes. We had a great time again and we got along really well. I did kinda consider that a date. Well, I offered to pay and stuff so...
We also talked about our current relationship status and our past relationships. She didn't mention any other guy.

Then a few days ago we were with a group of friends and she said that she would be busy the next weekend because she was hanging out with her female friend who we will call Kathrine.
Later the night, the topic came up again - and turns out she lied about hanging out with Kathrine. She was going to hang out with a guy she met around 5 months ago and since then they have been 
talking and sleeping with each other. She said it wasn't her boyfriend tho and that she doesn't know if they will eventually even start dating. She also never brings the guy to any parties or "public" events. 

I guess some people already get where I am going. First of all, she did "lie" or at least wasn't a hundred percent truthful about her current relationship status on the (what I considered) "date". 
Secondly, she lied about her plans. I am not sure if I am being petty but considering I know her for 3 weeks now, I am not sure whether to continue to spend time with her or not - Regardless of whether I would have wanted to date her in the future or not. I am not sure how many times she lied to me about her plans before. I have a few situations where I am almost certain that she lied about her plans - after knowing that she does and is capable of lying.
 
I also confronted her about lying about her plans and she said it was my fault for asking her what her plans were. She said that she didn't see any other way to get out of the situation except lying. 
Since then we haven't talked or texted. But I am still thinking about it/her since we genuinely just "clicked"... But "Once a liar, always a liar" or not?

I would appreciate any advise. And since I know that I can be a petty little 20 year old boy - please tell me if I am

PS: I hope I posted this in the right forum.

[basil67]

Hi Snorkelfilm, the responses you get may differ from according to the country the author is in - as different countries have different attitudes to this.     Many will tell you that when dating, you're free see more than one person at the same time if you haven't agreed to be exclusive to anyone.  The exclusive chat happens when you really click and both of you decide that you only want each other.    As the two of you really seemed to click on the date, she may well have decided to give the casual guy the flick and continue with you.  

Personally, I think it's a bit nasty for a man or women to sleep with more than one person at a time, so had she slept with you and not told you she was also sleeping with someone else, this is the point I'd move on from her.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately this is the friend zone. Stop hanging out with her. Date other girls.

[snorkelfilm]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hi Snorkelfilm, the responses you get may differ from according to the country the author is in - as different countries have different attitudes to this.     Many will tell you that when dating, you're free see more than one person at the same time if you haven't agreed to be exclusive to anyone.  The exclusive chat happens when you really click and both of you decide that you only want each other.    As the two of you really seemed to click on the date, she may well have decided to give the casual guy the flick and continue with you.  

Personally, I think it's a bit nasty for a man or women to sleep with more than one person at a time, so had she slept with you and not told you she was also sleeping with someone else, this is the point I'd move on from her.  

 

 

Thanks! It's not just about dating her more about lying. Like idk. Should I forgive her and even as a friend - trust her afterwards? There are certain reasons that make me belive a relationship wouldn't work out anyways. But it's more about the fact that she lied to me already. Ya know? 

 

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately this is the friend zone. Stop hanging out with her. Date other girls.

Thanks for the answer. How come tho? Like how is this the friendzone? Just because she lied? Could you elaborate please? Thanks! 

[Wiseman2]

She's with someone else. Don't waste your time on her.

[schlumpy]

You aren't exclusive so she is free to sleep with multiple guys if that her want and lie as much as she feels is necessary to keep people in the dark about her activities.

The only thing you can do about it is reduce her to "hi and bye" status or dump her completely.

Let her get the happy talk and queen treatment from her sexual partner. That's where her interest lies right now.

Don't do the "pick me" dance.

[Blind-Sided]

Regardless if she is with you or someone else... she lied about what she was up to... and tried to blame you because you "Asked' her about her plans.   You have only known each other for a few weeks... she could have simply said... "I have another date."  You weren't exclusive... and it was her right to go out with more than one person.

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, snorkelfilm said:

Thanks! It's not just about dating her more about lying. Like idk. Should I forgive her and even as a friend - trust her afterwards? There are certain reasons that make me belive a relationship wouldn't work out anyways. But it's more about the fact that she lied to me already. Ya know? 

The thing is, she didn't have to lie. She could have given a vague answer or simply not responded. But she chose to lie. So now you know she lies under certain situations. 

What should you do about that? You certainly shouldn't confront her. Just tuck that bit of knowledge in the corner of your brain. You can refer to it in the future when you're interacting with her and are not sure whether to believe her.

[Wiseman2]

She has a BF. You hung out once which you interpreted as a date. She doesn't owe you details about where she is going or who she's with.

[d0nnivain]

Since you are not exclusive she was free to date you & this other guy.  She was wrong to lie.  She should have simply said she had other plans / was busy / was not available.  She didn't have to add the detail lie that it was with Katherine.  When you later asked about it & she blamed you for asking claiming that you forced her to lie, you got tremendous insight into her poor problem solving & communication skills.  You now know that when confronted with a difficult or delicate situation, she will lie.  That is a pattern.  

I'd give her a wide berth.  

[Mystery4u]

Firstly when you meet a woman you like - you need to make your romantic interest CLEAR, otherwise you will end up in situations like this.

No 'hanging out platonically' that's a one way ticket into the friendzone. No going on 'kinda dates', you go on a proper date. You make it clear you are only interested in her romantically, not as a friend. Flirt with her, touch her subtly etc.

Secondly - she is not interested in you because her interest is already elsewhere. You are in the friendzone.

The fact that she lied and tried to cover up she was seeing someone is not a nice thing to do per se, but it really does not matter. She is not interested in you.

Do not contact her again and move on.

[ShyViolet]

You keep saying that you considered it a date, but it doesn't really sound like she considered it a date.  You hung out.  That doesn't give you some claim to her.  She is seeing another guy.  She doesn't sound interested in you.  She told a little white lie because she probably knew that you were going to ask her out, and she didn't want to make plans with you.

[snorkelfilm]

First of all, my question wasn't if she liked me or not. I was wondering whether people like her are a risk to keep in touch with or not. I know, right now she has a guy. But okay I am sorry but if you are genuinely in love with someone you don't hide them. She has taken me to all her parties and not "her guy". So yeah, I know - Not right now but I am doubting a relationship she isn't willing/happy to talk about will last forever. Actually her best friend has told me how much she enjoys time with me. And there is a lot of other stuff I did or did not do with her because I wanted to figure out what people think about her lying about her plans. And if I am being to petty if I do not forgive her.

4 hours ago, schlumpy said:

You aren't exclusive so she is free to sleep with multiple guys if that her want and lie as much as she feels is necessary to keep people in the dark about her activities.

The only thing you can do about it is reduce her to "hi and bye" status or dump her completely.

Let her get the happy talk and queen treatment from her sexual partner. That's where her interest lies right now.

Don't do the "pick me" dance.

Thanks, understandable. However considering she posted pictures of us on her social media already and no one has ever even seen her boyfriend, I do think that I have value to her.

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Regardless if she is with you or someone else... she lied about what she was up to... and tried to blame you because you "Asked' her about her plans.   You have only known each other for a few weeks... she could have simply said... "I have another date."  You weren't exclusive... and it was her right to go out with more than one person.

Thanks for answering the question. So meaning I should leave her and not even keep in touch as a friend? Since the probability of her lying again is too high? Right? Also, I have never said it wasn't her right to not go out with another person. I am talking to other girls as well^^. Except I ain't lying about it...

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She has a BF. You hung out once which you interpreted as a date. She doesn't owe you details about where she is going or who she's with.

I disagree. I picked her up, brought her home, paid for food. That's not hanging out to me. But maybe I am wrong.

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Since you are not exclusive she was free to date you & this other guy.  She was wrong to lie.  She should have simply said she had other plans / was busy / was not available.  She didn't have to add the detail lie that it was with Katherine.  When you later asked about it & she blamed you for asking claiming that you forced her to lie, you got tremendous insight into her poor problem solving & communication skills.  You now know that when confronted with a difficult or delicate situation, she will lie.  That is a pattern.  

I'd give her a wide berth.  

Okay, thank you for this answer. That was what I was looking for content wise. I have to agree with you. This small situation shows how she would handle bigger/more important stuff.

2 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Firstly when you meet a woman you like - you need to make your romantic interest CLEAR, otherwise you will end up in situations like this.

No 'hanging out platonically' that's a one way ticket into the friendzone. No going on 'kinda dates', you go on a proper date. You make it clear you are only interested in her romantically, not as a friend. Flirt with her, touch her subtly etc.

Secondly - she is not interested in you because her interest is already elsewhere. You are in the friendzone.

The fact that she lied and tried to cover up she was seeing someone is not a nice thing to do per se, but it really does not matter. She is not interested in you.

Do not contact her again and move on.

 Again: I picked her up, brought her home, paid for food. That's not hanging out to me. Also we do flirt. A lot. Let's not talk about all the details she remembers about me. Let's not talk about the plans she made for christmas and New Years with me (already). I didn't include a lot of this stuff because my biggest intent of this thread was to find out what other think about her behavior in terms of lying about her plans. Not to figure out if she likes me. I wouldn't have continued talking to her if I wouldn't have had a partial feeling that she would like me.

40 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You keep saying that you considered it a date, but it doesn't really sound like she considered it a date.  You hung out.  That doesn't give you some claim to her.  She is seeing another guy.  She doesn't sound interested in you.  She told a little white lie because she probably knew that you were going to ask her out, and she didn't want to make plans with you.

Again: I picked her up, brought her home, paid for food. That's not hanging out to me. Um yeah she told the lie to a group of 5 people and she didn't even stop me from making plans. . . Her lie was: I have to leave early at tmrs birthday party to meet Kathrine. The truth: I have to leave early to go to that guy. Also she literally made plans with me for next week but I DITCHED the plans for now. And SHE CAME UP with these plans. But again, my question was not whether she likes me or not. I wanted to know whether to forgive her not. 

------

To put an end to the "does she like me conversation". I am sorry but if she wouldn't be slightly interested she would have just said "I am talking to a guy" while we were on the date. That would have just solved the problem. Easy. But SHE DIDN'T. And she wasn't happy to tell me eventually as well. 

-------

Anyways, thanks for all the answers. Any more thoughts on whether to forgive her or not? 

[Mystery4u]

15 minutes ago, snorkelfilm said:

First of all, my question wasn't if she liked me or not. I was wondering whether people like her are a risk to keep in touch with or not. I know, right now she has a guy. But okay I am sorry but if you are genuinely in love with someone you don't hide them. She has taken me to all her parties and not "her guy". So yeah, I know - Not right now but I am doubting a relationship she isn't willing/happy to talk about will last forever. Actually her best friend has told me how much she enjoys time with me. And there is a lot of other stuff I did or did not do with her because I wanted to figure out what people think about her lying about her plans. And if I am being to petty if I do not forgive her.

Thanks, understandable. However considering she posted pictures of us on her social media already and no one has ever even seen her boyfriend, I do think that I have value to her.

Thanks for answering the question. So meaning I should leave her and not even keep in touch as a friend? Since the probability of her lying again is too high? Right? Also, I have never said it wasn't her right to not go out with another person. I am talking to other girls as well^^. Except I ain't lying about it...

I disagree. I picked her up, brought her home, paid for food. That's not hanging out to me. But maybe I am wrong.

Okay, thank you for this answer. That was what I was looking for content wise. I have to agree with you. This small situation shows how she would handle bigger/more important stuff.

 Again: I picked her up, brought her home, paid for food. That's not hanging out to me. Also we do flirt. A lot. Let's not talk about all the details she remembers about me. Let's not talk about the plans she made for christmas and New Years with me (already). I didn't include a lot of this stuff because my biggest intent of this thread was to find out what other think about her behavior in terms of lying about her plans. Not to figure out if she likes me. I wouldn't have continued talking to her if I wouldn't have had a partial feeling that she would like me.

Again: I picked her up, brought her home, paid for food. That's not hanging out to me. Um yeah she told the lie to a group of 5 people and she didn't even stop me from making plans. . . Her lie was: I have to leave early at tmrs birthday party to meet Kathrine. The truth: I have to leave early to go to that guy. Also she literally made plans with me for next week but I DITCHED the plans for now. And SHE CAME UP with these plans. But again, my question was not whether she likes me or not. I wanted to know whether to forgive her not. 

------

To put an end to the "does she like me conversation". I am sorry but if she wouldn't be slightly interested she would have just said "I am talking to a guy" while we were on the date. That would have just solved the problem. Easy. But SHE DIDN'T. And she wasn't happy to tell me eventually as well. 

-------

Anyways, thanks for all the answers. Any more thoughts on whether to forgive her or not? 

So how many times have you had sex with her?

Seeing as she has taken you to all these parties, posted all these pictures, loves spending time with you and definitely likes you etc?

Edited August 3, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Wiseman2]

Seems like she strung you along a bit in the friendzone while she was dating others.

[d0nnivain]

I disagree that you were ever in this woman's friendzone.  If you were only a friend to her she would have told you she was out with another man.  She lied because she wanted to multi-date.  She just can't handle it.  

[snorkelfilm]

1 hour ago, Mystery4u said:

So how many times have you had sex with her?

Seeing as she has taken you to all these parties, posted all these pictures, loves spending time with you and definitely likes you etc?

Good argument lol. I am a virgin tho and on the date she said she doesn't sleep with people in the first few months bc she needs time. I don't honestly even know if they slept together - she never said. I just assumed since she said she started taking her pill again 2ish weeks ago.

23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I disagree that you were ever in this woman's friendzone.  If you were only a friend to her she would have told you she was out with another man.  She lied because she wanted to multi-date.  She just can't handle it.  

Thanks. Well now it doesn't matter no more bc she didn't like that I told her that she lied. Oh well. I am moving to the other side of my country next week anyways bc of university. Of course with quarantine

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Seems like she strung you along a bit in the friendzone while she was dating others.

Maybe. Maybe not. What I know is. She lied.

[d0nnivain]

Best wishes at college.  

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, snorkelfilm said:

First of all, my question wasn't if she liked me or not. I was wondering whether people like her are a risk to keep in touch with or not. 

"A risk to keep in touch with or not"?  I'm not sure what that means.  Do you want to keep in touch with her as friends, or holding out hope that she'll want to be with you?  All your rationalization sounds like you're still clinging to the latter.  Which brings us back again to the question of whether she is actually interested in you.  If you have nothing better to do than to cling to hope that a girl with a boyfriend will leave her boyfriend and want to be with you, then good luck with that.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, snorkelfilm said:

I am moving to the other side of my country next week anyways bc of university. 

Excellent. Start fresh getting to know new girls and take it slow and relax, you'll be fine.

[basil67]

I'm sorry, I thought that the other guy was just a FWB.   

[snorkelfilm]

Well here we go. I didn’t listen to you guys and well, it backfired. Big time.

Firstly, when I confronted her about lying the initial first time she said that she wouldn’t hang out with the guy anymore anyways that day, so she thought it didn’t matter that she lied because - well it didn’t happen... Still unreasonable but anyways. That’s an important “tool” we will need later.

So I texted her because of something we have planned together a few weeks before. She answered after more than a day and just said “sure, ok”. Then I told her that we can also just cancel the plans if she is gonna show up with such an attitude. She was like “I was just really hurt when you confronted me about lying because you were really mad and even yelled for a little bit” - this bothered me big time because, well, she acted like she was the victim. Again. I then just stopped the argument and told her to either cancel the plans or not and she said we will still do what we have planned to do. And that she is sorry because she was in a bad mood that day. So far so good but now watch magic unfold:

I said “oh I get it that you were in a bad mood bc you didn’t hang out with your guy” - because remember that’s what she told me. And then she said “Oh not I hung out with him that day like we planned it”.

We may conclude: She lied after having an argument and being hurt because she was called a liar. Um. Jesus. Wow. This. I. Like. I didn’t reply for a few hours bc I was genuinely blown away by how big of a self-centered and self-absorbed a**h*** she is.

I wish any guy that will ever date her a lot of fun. He will need that when figuring out what she is up to when she says she is going to a friends. Maybe she is actually at a friends. But maybe she is on a plane to Saudi Arabia. Maybe she is just in the washroom. But hey good thing: I don’t have to deal with it.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, snorkelfilm said:

I texted her because of something we have planned together a few weeks before. She answered after more than a day and just said “sure, ok”. Then I told her that we can also just cancel the plans if she is gonna show up with such an attitude. She was like “I was just really hurt when you confronted me about lying because you were really mad and even yelled for a little bit”

Way too much drama for dating 21 days. Are you broke up or still going through with whatever plans?

[snorkelfilm]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Way too much drama for dating 21 days. Are you broke up or still going through with whatever plans?

Obviously we are done. Or let's say I'm done with her. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, snorkelfilm said:

Obviously we are done. Or let's say I'm done with her. 

Are you ready to delete and block her and her people from all your social media and messaging apps? That way you can put this fiasco behind you and move forward.