Leaving someone you love. How to Cope?

[Tryingtomakeitthrough]

I was with my fiancee for 3.5 years (we are both 47).  We lived together for the past 1.5.
I was married once before, she was twice before.

I moved out exactly 2 months ago and the hurt is just starting to set in and i dont know what to do. I've been telling myself i was fine for weeks. I now think about her constantly.  I feel lost.

I was literally at my wits end with the woman i love more than anything, and she forced me into leaving her.  How do you wrap your head around having to leave someone you love more than anything?  

I just want to say, for the first 18-20 months our relationship was amazing.  She even asked me to marry her. All i've ever wanted in life was a wonderful lady a i had it.   
I loved her right away (well by the 5th-6th date).  She had 3 young girls she split 50/50 with her ex, and although i'm not good with kids, i did my best. I loved the youngest one but could barely stand the 2 oldest.

So anyway,  

About a year into our relationship she got involved with the Landmark Forum (i can hear some of you groaning right now), for those who arent familiar.  They a a self help Cult.  
It started slow with her, and at first i didn't care.  Everyone needs a hobby right?  I told her i wasnt interested attending events.  As time went on she got more and more involved and even took courses to become a "Introduction Leader".  She continued to ask over and over again for me to take te course and i declined.  That self help stuff is not me.  
So then she started doing her "volunteer" work with Landmark.  Which means you work for free for 6-7 hrs in a evening 3-4 times a month.  Plus on top she would run 3 hr introductions a few times a month and of course those take hours of prep work. She even paid them $7000 for personal couching.  
So as time went on, she got more and more instant that i take the course. She wanted me to understand that she was trying to save people and help the world be a better place.  
I tried talking with her about all this many times and telling her to tone in down a bit as it was a bit overboard.  She'd listen and get more involved.
Eventually i was told,  "I won't marry you if you don't do Landmark".

So while this landmark stuff was going on, she decided to contact her ex again.  Up until then, they had been doing it through a third party while the divorce was going on.  
I was fine with her contacting him as having to deal with the kids made it easier.  First she assured me it would only be through email as she warned me he goes text crazy and as i'm told is a total scum bag narcissist..  
Then one day i noticed her texting him, and sure enough the texts and calls just kept coming. I'm not really a jealous guy, but come on, there's a limit and it got a little ridiculous.  I'd come home and he was either on the  phone or texting, she'd interrupt our conversation to answer the texts.   
So after awhile of that, i tried to talk with her about it, as of course the Landmark stuff.  She listened, and then a year later went back to work for his company. Now he's her boss.  Of course i was assured she really wouldn't be dealing with him and she'd go through the other people in the office.  Well that never happened and the calls and texts just ramped up even more and more.  
Again, i know this sounds like jealousy, maybe there is a bit, but it was so over the top it was insane. I was informed though, that the Landmark Forum would help me to be ok with her and her ex's. FYI, the first ex would also be at the house from time to time as well.  I didn't mind him so much, but the hated the latest one, who finally found his way back to controlling her again. 

So, she wanted a partner to help with the parenting of the kids.  I was there for her on that.  Turns out she can't parent.  The kids do what they want and she's their playmate and friend while the children run the home and she try's to make the kids like her.  
As a guy who's fairly black and white and likes rules (ie: bed times, dinner times, etc).  It became very hard to help her.  Some days were good and she was ok but there was no consistency and if i wasn't on top of her nagging the kids would take over. I'm a grown man, i don't need a 14 year old girl running my home life. 
So basically the kids wouldn't get parented.  Her ex would give them electronics to amuse them or pawn them off on his sister or his mother, and my ex just wanted to be their friend and playmate.  Being the responsible one i am, i tried to parent but i became the one they hated because of all the rules. 

And it continues....  She complained about the lack of intimacy in our relationship.  Sex was good at first and things where pretty good.  I try and stay pretty fit.  I have my ups and downs but im at the gym a lot.  She was in ok shape when we met as well, she'd had 3 kids and i was ok with that and found her sexy.  Soon after we met she even ramped up her gym routine and was so sexy, i wanted her all the time.  Then she got sick for a few weeks and stopped going to the gym, over the next 2 years she'd go once or twice a week, then nothing and she just put on weight like crazy and didn't seem to care. she'd eat a plate of cheese in front of me while rubbing her stomach while saying "your going to love me anyway".
So how could i tell her that the lack of intimacy in our relationship was because i was not longer attracted to her?  That would break her heart.  I tried to encourage her losing weight but she just kept growing and eating cheese. I still loved her to death though and it was breaking my heart. 
Call me shallow, but i'm not into big girls.  

So why did i write this as it seems obvious that i was unhappy and needed to leave?  I know i'm better off.  I've booked appointments with a therapist so i hope that helps 

1. Therapy, writing it out helps
2. I miss the woman i met in Nov 2016, but she disappeared in 2018 and i was left with a cult member who's ex controls her.
3. How do you wrap your head around having to leave someone you love more than anything?
4. When all she ever wanted was a loyal caring partner, how is it that her Cult became more important than me and she was willing to walk away from me for them?
5. How can someone change so much?  this is not the woman i fell in love with.
6. I feel so alone now and i miss my friend so very much that i'm in constant pain.

7. How do you come to terms with losing everything you ever wanted in life?  She was such a beautiful caring partner up until Landmark

Obviously there is not to the above stories and i made mistakes, but i've already written so much.  

Thanks for reading

 

    

[d0nnivain]

It's tough but you are right that you couldn't stay.  She chose a cult over you.  Her insistence that you get involved with the cult was the first deal breaker.  The money she was wasting -- $7,000 for coaching -- would eventually become a a sore spot.   Her parenting style would also become a point of contention.  You were kind enough not to pick on her about her weight gain but your resentment was showing through in the post & eventually it would have poisoned the rest of your relationship.  

When you get upset think about all the things that were against the two of you.  

[Ruby Slippers]

So many issues! I agree the cult thing is a deal-breaker. This is akin to someone finding Jesus and saying she won't marry you unless you "get saved."

I once dated a guy whose mother told him I wasn't right for him because I wasn't "saved." I'm a very moral, spiritual person, but I don't believe I need to "get saved." 

I just broke up with someone I loved a couple of months ago. Love is not always enough. If there are major differences in character and values, it's just asking for trouble. I think the best you can do is be thankful for the good times you have, heal, move on, and start focusing on what you want. 

[Wiseman2]

 

Read some books by Steven Hassan who has written extensively about all sorts of cults. You won't get her back, but it will help you wrap your head around how these outfits operate and what you saw happening that led to the demise of your relationship..

'Combating Cult Mind Control'

'Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves'

'Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs'

 

[Tryingtomakeitthrough]

Thank you for the replies.   I was chatting with my mother about this and told her about the cult stuff.  She said it simply, “that I just can’t compete with it”.  
 

she was up hanging with some mutual friends over the long weekend.  My buddy called me an hour ago after she left.  First thing he says was “forget her, move on, you dodged a bullet”, “she’s messed up in the head”.  In fact she’s no longer welcome up there anymore because she’s become such a self righteous hypocrite they don’t want her around.   It made me happy to know I wasn’t just making it all up.  I feel bad though that’s she’s losing all her friends and family over this.

I feel very guilty for the weight thing, but I can’t help it.  I need the mental and physical attraction.  There’s a limit and a point where it was out of control.  I wasn’t looking for a trophy wife.  I just wanted us both to maintain.  I ended up with someone who gave up.  I did start to resent it, and since I would never cheat I had no idea what to do.

i will check out Steven Hassan.   
Btw. The $7000 she spent on coaching was her money.  I thought it was stupid, but it’s her money, she can do what she wants.  
she’s now even running her own coaching business .

 

Edited August 3, 2020 by Tryingtomakeitthrough

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Tryingtomakeitthrough said:

i will check out Steven Hassan.   

Read these to educate myself when I lost a friend to a cult. mind boggling. Captain men's tennis, dual degree from  Duke, good family no drugs, mental illness, etc. Interesting learned that they often recruit ambitious people.  Now obese lives in poverty in some commune and writes with zombie-like character to it. Shame. 

[Tryingtomakeitthrough]

I just ordered Combating Cult Mind Control.  I’m just trying to understand why? 
She is very smart and ambitious.   
thank you for your recommendation 

[Ruby Slippers]

I guess some people are more susceptible to the groupthink of cults, and the benefits it offers to them outweigh the drawbacks. Maybe they need that strong sense of community/family, maybe they meet someone in the group they really click with, maybe they enjoy being validated as a leader or whatever. Who knows?

Years ago this acquaintance told me about Landmark Forum and started trying to lure me in. I read up on it and saw many reviews calling it a cult, so that turned me right off. 

I have an open mind and love learning different philosophies and ways of thinking. But I have a strong resistance to become indoctrinated in any kind of groupthink. I like to think for myself. And I feel it's very important to let the people I care about think for themselves as well.

[Tryingtomakeitthrough]

It’s scary to watch someone you love so much go down that path.  I’d talk to her about it and be told that she was too smart to be brainwashed or far for a cult. 

Ive heard so much Landmark talk and listened to so many conversations between these people over the last 2 years, I’m pretty sure I’m not interested.

it may have some good points in the teaching, but it’s nothing a 5 min google search can’t show you. Yet people pay $700 for a 3 day brainwash fest.  
 

anyway,  thank you all.  Hearing from our mutual friend that I’ve made the right choice really helped today.  
time to move forward.