Cant get over breakup

[Girlll]

Hey!

My bf of 2,5 years broke up with me and I can not cope with it in any ways. Its been only 2 months, but i feel like its getting worse every day. I feel deep pain and depression and I blame myself for losing the good man in my life.

The reason for breakup at first was that he is depressed and needs to be alone. But later he confessed that he couldnt cope with my appearance anymore. Unfortunately i have been struggling with weight all my life and I somehow managed to gain a lot during our relationship. He never once mentioned that It bothers him, but the sex got lesser and he kept pushing me away. I blame myself for not taking any action sooner and getting my form back. I did notice that something was off with him but he never confessed. So all this tension created a lot of problems and unnecessary issues between us, until one day he left.

I dropped all the weight immediately and I am in a better shape already, but he doesnt care anymore. I keep blaming myself and i feel worthless. I keep imagining him being with another girl and living the life I dreamed of living with him. I really deeply love him and its eating me inside. 
My mind is constantly on him and on this situation. No matter what I do. I really feel hopeless and some days I feel like I want to die.

We lived together in my apartment and now Im left here all alone. He was actually a really good a loving guy and this kills me the most. He just didnt have the courage to tell me about the weight. 

I feel like im never going to be able to forgive myself for letting myself go that way. It feels really awful. 
I try to distract myself with activities but even when Im talking to someone or doing something its still on my mind. 

I am going crazy :( 

I know he is not coming back, as he is very confident guy and could get any girl he wants. I on the other hand had my confidence killed by him. It feels like im in a black hole and there is no way out 😭

How can i move on from this?

[basil67]

Girlll, you're probably not going to believe me, but this is all on him.   I'm assuming he knew that you'd struggled with weight all your life and as such, it was to be expected that your weight would fluctuate.   And when it happened, he didn't talk with you about it.  He rejected you sexually without giving a reason.   This is not the behaviour of a good and loving guy.  

 How can you fix something when you don't know that it's the issue?    

Allow yourself to get mad at him rather than taking it all on yourself.

[lee179108]

Right, Its gonna hurt but if you and him are not satisfied with your weight, then please dont take this personally but focus on that!  lose weight, google calorie deficit diets as they are perfect for weight loss and ive just come off one now...   once you lose weight you will gain more confidence, feel better in yourself and gain new good habits...  

Go on calorie calculator.net  enter your height and current weight and the weight that you want to achieve...     stick to this diet at 6 weeks,   you also need to say that your excersize is lightly or moderately active...  and you need to be doing AT LEAST 10k steps everyday and workout 3 to 4 times a week. Theres no restriction on the food, you can eat anything but make sure you dont go over the calorie deficit.. what i did was  say my calories fo the day was max 2000,  i would always be under every week day and then save those extra calories for the weekend and have a treat... its simple!!  and trust me the results are amazing,  track your progress for 3 weeks with photos first, then 6 weeks.. i lost so much weight doing this.

[Acacia98]

Girlll, how is it that you manage to feel sympathy towards your ex for his struggles with depression but don't seem able to sympathize with yourself for having similar struggles?

It is possible that your putting on weight was associated with your struggles to cope with your own emotional pain. Don't you think that, just like any other human in pain, you are worthy of receiving compassion and sympathy?

I don't want to focus on your ex because I think you're the most important person in this equation. You need to do right by yourself. You need to be kind to yourself and care for yourself the same way you would care for, say, your ex if he were the one experiencing unhealthy weight gain.

I know you'll probably find this hard to believe, but you cannot genuinely love another person unless you first love yourself. Get the help you need, take the time to recover. Being in a relationship should not be on your list of priorities until you've been well for a long stretch of time.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

Right, Its gonna hurt but if you and him are not satisfied with your weight, then please dont take this personally but focus on that!  lose weight, google calorie deficit diets as they are perfect for weight loss and ive just come off one now...   once you lose weight you will gain more confidence, feel better in yourself and gain new good habits...  

 

Lee, she lost the weight and the relationship has ended.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Don't beat yourself up over it. Any guy who blames the demise of a relationship solely on you is not someone you should put on a pedestal.

There are two separate things happening. One is his depression, lack of libido, withdrawal and his inertia.

A completely separate issue is your health fitness weight and self imagine..

It sounds like the relationship simply ran it's course largely affected by his depression, but he chose to be a coward and blame you.

Be glad he's finally not living in your apt coasting along like dead weight.

[schlumpy]

There are many, many more meaningful challenges in life than what someone weighs.

He couldn't get over the first relationship hurdle.

He didn't love you.

You were a placeholder.

Grieve and don't look back.

[d0nnivain]

You get over it by getting angry.  Weight can be lost.  You did lose the weight.  The fact that he dumped you over your weight says he didn't care about you, the person, only what you looked like.  Why do you want such a superficial guy back? 

You were willing to put up with his depression which is actually a much bigger, life long problem but he couldn't cut you any slack.  That is mean. 

Since you feel a void in your house, find ways to fill it.  Redecorating is a good idea.  Home improvement is on trend with Covid so rearrange the furniture, get some new throw pillows, definitely get new bedding, paint the walls if you are allowed.  Just make changes.  Double down on your work out regime to keep the weight off.  

In time you will be OK.  Hang in there.  

[Datergirl]

I agree with the others, get angry at him, anyone worth their salt would be say something like 'honey you know I love you whatever you look like, but I really think we'd both benefit from a healthier lifestyle'.

He says he didn't have the courage to tell you, do you really want to be with someone who can't communicate?

Take this time to yourself, build up your self confidence in your new weight loss, buy some new dresses and flirt. You'll soon see how beautiful you are. 

[Uptown182]

It’s pretty obvious the weight was just an excuse.  If that was really such an issue for him he would’ve brought unit up sooner.  And just the fact that you lost the weight now and he still doesn’t want to get back together goes to show just that.  Sounds like he had his own issues with his depression and used your weight gain as a facade for the breakup because he didn’t want to take any responsibility.  Plus there have been plenty of posters on here who have complained about their partners weight gain but they were still in love with them and didn’t want to break up with them.  When you truly love someone you don’t break up with them because they put on a few pounds.  

[spiderowl]

I doubt this was about your weight.  It sounds like he didn't love you enough.  If he had, he would have been desperate at the thought of losing you as a person not just a body.

Now is the time for a new start for you.  When things go wrong and we lose someone, whether by bereavement or a break-up, depression can easily set in.  But, the depression should gradually ease as you come to terms with this and start to see a different future for yourself.  You have put him on a pedestal somewhat, as if he was wonderful and loving and now you have lost this wonderful man - well, if he was wonderful and loving he would still be with you!  He is actually quite superficial and was not as connected as you were.

Instead of dwelling on weight and what that did or didn't mean for you, think about your great qualities as a person.  Are you kind and loving?  Do you make an effort for a partner? Are you honest with him?  These are all qualities the right guy will value.  You are not to blame, the guy made a choice and showed his true colours.  You have got a lot going for you and you will realise that once the depression has faded.  Do not blame yourself - quite honestly, I doubt there was anything you could do.   He probably just met someone else and lost interest in his long-term partner - it happens a lot more than you may realise.  Plenty of married people end up divorced because of this.  Your situation is not unique and another guy will come along and love you as you are.