GF wants to chase me and wants that spark back

[lee179108]

Right this will be long, so I appreciate if anyone reads this..  i know a lot of you may give some brutal advice but hey

 

Right so been with my girlfriend now for 2 years, last year we split for about 2 or 3 months... but in that time were still in contact, as in she would drop the odd whatsapp message or whatever. Last year we split as she said she didnt feel the spark anymore and was still in the student mindset, didnt miss me anymore and focusing on her 1st new job as a special needs teacher which she was about to start last September. At the end of it I just stopped talking, i blocked her off instagram and didnt talk to her on whatsapp, 2 months went by and she got in touch with me to say how much she missed me and wanted to see me again.. i went with this. Since then things were amazing, i spent xmas with her and her family.. and we had so much planned for this year like weekends away, and a holiday for new years eve.  She is 27 by the way, and im 29.. i live alone, like 50 min away and she lives with her parents.   When lockdown happened she was so sad that she couldnt see me, missed me like crazy and would always be chatty etc through text/phone...  the past month I noticed a change, she said it was due to going back on birth control and her hormones were everywhere...  once I questioned it and suggested other things she said not to worry, trust her that we are ok and that im super needy and she likes her own space at times and feels I get annoyed about that.. 

Once lockdown eased she started coming to mine once a week, so we got into like a routine, which I know she wont like!  last weekend we had sex, she was the one who wanted it, not me as I didnt wanna push things like i did before. 2 days ago after a night out with her friend (girl)   she messaged me to say she feels bad as she doesnt miss me anymore, and thinks I miss her so much and live for the weekend to see her. She thought i dont have a life when shes not around and that im off putting that I dont take the lead with certain things. She said she doesnt want sex with me anymore, so i asked why did she want it last weekend and she said i get what youre saying, and I am glad we had it last weekend...   she then said she started to develop feelings for a friend but promised that she never cheated or flirted.. just texted and got on..  and once she started to get them she blocked and deleted him off all platforms and he understood as he didnt wanna come in between us. I do believe her on that as well as shes been cheated on before and I dont think she has it in her to do that.  She also said she loved and cared for me which is why she needs to seriously consider this, and said that she would try to sort her head out...  She then called me on Sunday night to talk, said she missed a bit but didnt wanna give much away..  said to me when i saw your instagram post with your friends it made me so happy as thats all i want is to you to have fun and enjoy yourself, said shes glad she didnt come to see me that day as i was having fun.  I then questioned the thing with her friend, and she said there was nothing in it, and theres no hard feelings between me and him, we were just talking and i felt i had to tell you and i blocked him and deleted him because i wanted to focus on my direction with you.  So i guess all i can do there is trust her...   we were supposed to go away for a weekend this week, not sure if its happening now as shes still unsure to go as shes worried it will be awkward and that I will keep bringing this situation up all the time,  because i have been bringing up last year sometimes to her. 

I said for her to trust me that i wont, focus on the present and not the past,  and she wants to see how things go. Shes coming to my area today and we are going for a walk, she was texting me a bit yesterday and said shes bought me a treat.... im still unsure weather to ask her about this weekend or just say nothing and let her decide..  if we go have fun, then yeah..  even when she said to me last week that she needed time to process things and think about what she wants she would then text me the next day with small talk, asking how my day was and stuff??!   Also things like saying i love you have stopped.... probly as shes confused but i told her on the phone i know she loves me and she said yes i do...   she knows my stance that I dont want to be just a friend, and she knows i want a decision at some point weather she will want to see me ever again. I dont want to keep bringing that up to her though,  yes i love her, yes couples go through rough patches...   another thing is that she wants her own place to gain her own independence, she was telling me that shes jealous of me with my own place and wants her own in the next year. Said she doesnt want to move in with me as she doesnt like the area im in and wants to be close to family (im fine with that cuz im not a lover of the area im in)  and ive never pressured her with that. I just dont get the whole small talk thing, and through text im now trying to be less available or needy, not responding for a while and sometimes just responding short and telling her that im busy. Whereas before i was always available and replying quickly and alone in my house not doing much.... its my birthday on the 17th, she said shes got me something and hasnt forgotten about that. On the phone she said that she wants to chase me and wants that excitement of the unknown with me...  so i guess by me never asking to meet or being needy, being busy may bring that back i dont know....  i know all of you here will say to forget her, move on, or its over she doesnt want you and stuff.. but she does miss me after time...  and i dont get why she asks for time but then messages me small talk... she still has photo with me on her instagram...  if she didnt want me id imagine shed remove that...  and if she definitely didnt want me id imagine shed cut all contact as she knows my stance.

 

 

[schlumpy]

She is transitioning to another guy and she is treating you like her girlfriend.

Up to you if you want to twist in the wind.

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like she's trying to work up the nerve to pull the trigger & end this relationship, sorry.   That break last year & her transition from school to work plus her desire for her own place, it all sounds like her trying to figure out who she is as an adult.  Her wanting to chase you makes no sense.  I have heard many women want their men to make more of an effort to bring back that spark & make them feel needed but not the other way around.  

It's good that you are trying to be less needy. Nobody likes clingy.  I get that you are all alone in your apartment but you need to find a hobby.  With Covid that is not easy but take up walking, running or even painting.  Take a class on line.  Get a PT job if it will keep you busy.  Just invite new & interesting things in your life so she understands you are not just living for her.  

[Beachead]

@lee179108

I trimmed the fat out of your post to focus on what matters here.

You need to leave this immediately and I'll tell you why.

7 hours ago, lee179108 said:

she then said she started to develop feelings for a friend

Basically, you two have shared time together.  Experiences.  Memories.  You were yourself which is your best self, but despite the history and you being you, she was able to develop feelings for someone else.   It means she's not feeling the person you are.  Keeping in mind, you can't really be anyone else but yourself,  this means, your relationship is over.  She's just not ready to come to terms with that and pull the plug yet, but she's already done it, emotionally.  Seems like she feels bad about her changed feelings and is doing things for you, out of obligation, to soothe the guilt she feels.   Based on what you wrote here:

Quote

..when i saw your instagram post with your friends it made me so happy as thats all i want is to you to have fun and enjoy yourself, said shes glad she didnt come to see me that day as i was having fun.

..this is a girl who enjoys her life more, when you're out enjoying your life with other people and doing your own thing..and my guess for why that is, is because when you're doing that, it takes the pressure off of her.  She feels responsible for your happiness and she's feels pressured by it.   

Based on my experiences, she could be feeling this way because:

1. There are things you were unknowingly doing and not doing at the same time, that were turning her off and over time, translated to her not getting what she wanted from the relationship.  This is in your control, to a degree.

2.  Circumstances that may be out of your control, such as distance,  bother her.  These things can contribute to #1.

3.  She's discovering through this relationship and through life, who she is and what she wants in a partner and from life, and she's beginning to realize you don't fit in that picture.  Without any future in sight,  the relationship is aimless and pointless, and she's lost interest.  This is not in your control.

There are some things that you've probably done that has changed how she felt, but a lot of what contributes to a person's decision to walk away, has more to do with them than you.  Their past, their upbringing, their trauma,  the people in their life.  All of these affect their needs and wants which influences their choices.  You don't have much control over that but nonetheless, it does have a huge impact on the way they are in a relationship.

You can attempt to make some changes right now, but from personal experiences, I would cut this off because if you've been put in a position to say this:

Quote

i want a decision at some point 

..you're better off walking away.  

The time you've shared together, should have done a lot of the convincing for her, that this relationship is worth working on and building on.  But instead, she's unsure about things, putting the entire relationship in limbo, which puts you in a state of limbo, which isn't good for your well-being, because you can't move forward.   But if you walk away, your departure from her life, will cut the limbo out, and force out what she really wants from you and the relationship; answers that will arrive to her much later on.  She may or may not contact you in between that time, telling you she misses you, recalling old memories etc.  If she does, don't buy into that.  It's anxiety from separating, that's kicking up.   People need alone time, to really suss out what they're feeling.  In that time, they live and explore what they actually left the relationship for, and through it, they realize what it is they had with the person they were with.  They may realize that they lost something or lost nothing.  I can't tell you when that moment will come to her, but it will and when it does, either she'll realize she doesn't really care to go back to it anymore or she'll realize letting it go, as a big regret in her life.   But for her to arrive to this, you can't be afraid to walk away.  It's not punishing her but to give her what she really wants, which is space and time to sort her head out.  And for you, its about letting go, and no longer waiting for her. It's about treating yourself with respect, because your life and your future is important to you, and letting a person waste your energy, figuring out if they want to be with you or not..will jeopardize that.  It's about letting go, healing, and getting to a better place mentally, so that you can take care of you, with full-strength and eventually move on to someone who wants to commit to you fully or if she ever comes back, be in a strong place in your mind, where you can handle it. 

Stay strong and hope that makes sense

- Beach

 

 

Edited August 4, 2020 by Beachead

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Make sure you are not reading too much of that get-your-ex-back material and buying into some of the nonsense they endorse. It's understandable you are hurting and looking stuff up. However using NC as  tool to "reattract" does not work.

Also you can't make an old relationship new through chasing anyone. A relationship evolves into different levels and novelty simply can't stay novel. Even if you restore a 1954 Mercedes SL, it's still a 1954 model.

It seems like your relationship unfortunately ran it's course.

Edited August 4, 2020 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

I remember your previous thread, OP. 

And I remember strongly suspecting that it wasn't the birth control that was making her have all these sudden doubts; I don't recall if I said so or not, but upon reading that thread, I immediately thought to myself that she'd met someone else. 

She's not mature enough yet to make a clean break, but her heart isn't in this relationship anymore. You've already broken up once. Now it's teetering toward that again,  and there's another guy on her radar. I realize she's telling you she cut him off, but that's not even really the point. The point is that she's already emotionally detached enough from you to even entertain the idea of another guy in in the first place. Another sign of her immaturity is her idea that chasing you again is going to fix this. It's not. The "excitment of the unknown" is her trying to recreate what she's got going with this other guy in you, but it's not going to work. 

I'm sorry. man. This relationship has run its course. It shouldn't be this hard to maintain someone's interest. 

[lee179108]

So she came over today, we walked up a mountain and back and had such an amazing, fun time!! like we talked, were affectionate towards each-other and even discussed this rough patch...  about the other guy she said there is nothing in it, they never flirted or anything and she just felt weird about it all which is why she told me and blocked and deleted him and they understood...  no hard feelings kind of thing. Today she said she loved me multiple times, kissed etc etc...  planned for our weekend away this week.. then we got home, had food, then got into a stupid argument where I really annoyed her as i called her stubborn like her dad,  (she doesn't get on with her dad)   i really didnt mean it, i apologised a lot and told her i didnt think shed take it to heart.. she was clearly annoyed and then went back into meltdown mode where she said shes still confused about everything, loves me and cares for me and doesnt want to hurt me, doesnt know what shes thinking is right but doesnt want to let me go and i find another girl and she regrets it for the rest of her life, but is not ready to take the next major step in our relationship yet.

Shes a late starter at 27, shes only just started her job last year and now wants her own place to gain her own independence and get out of her parents house as she doesnt wanna be there with her dad.  She doesnt wanna move in with me as she doesnt like the area i live in, the neighbours and that her heart is set on being close to family and im totally fine with that, I dont plan on staying where I am forever anyway and ive never pressured her to do things.  I also told her that we dont have to put a time on each stage of our relationship and we just go with it and discuss things when we feel were ready. She then moved the date of our weekend away from this week to the day of my birthday on the 17th..  she said she felt a lot better now as we talked and that gave her some breathing space to think things through and get calm. I did say i felt i ruined the day by that stupid comment but she said its fine, it wasnt that and shes glad things were said as it enabled her to get a lot off her chest.  She was so relieved to freely talk to me about everything, I told her how she needs to open up more and just talk because many times she holds things in. I told her if she wanted to end it she would have and cut contact and just say.. and she agreed, because she is that type of person, i asked her if she sees a future for us and she said yes i do, now that i feel calmer i can see one and i do love you. I told her i didnt want her to just go away with me just because its my birthday on the 17th, I want her to go because she wants to go with me... and she agreed. I said well maybe we now just dont talk until that day, see how you feel since you want to miss me. Again she agreed, and also said in the past sometimes i text back very quickly, whereas she wants that suspense about me and wants to chase me and have that feeling of unknown. Im fine with that and now i just try to take my time to reply and act chilled. As she left she kissed/hugged me and told me she loved me, even wore my hoodie and took it home!!  texted me when she got home to said thank you so much for everything today, goodnight, i love you.   And that was the last of it today, I wasnt expecting a text but i got it.. from tomorrow onwards im not sure if i hear from her or now until the 17th... but if i do itl be small talk most probably.  But she said she felt better going on the 17th due to this week being to close to her confusion, she didnt wanna go there have fun then come back me think everything is fine and she still ends up being confused. Anyway, I know you all say break it off and move on.. but im gonna wait and see how it goes. She said she has missed me these past couple days, and the thing is she wants to miss me and get excited to see me, so whatever life has in store for me.. im gonna take it and learn. The biggest thing today was out of our walk, argument or discussion today... we bonded really well. 

[Wiseman2]

Try not to crowd rush or suffocate her this much. She needs space.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh dear. 

Please guard your heart, OP. I've been where she is, and I have a feeling this is not going to end well for you. 

[schlumpy]

11 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 Anyway, I know you all say break it off and move on.. but im gonna wait and see how it goes. She said she has missed me these past couple days, and the thing is she wants to miss me and get excited to see me, so whatever life has in store for me.. im gonna take it and learn. The biggest thing today was out of our walk, argument or discussion today... we bonded really well. 

It's your choice. No one on this forum, except perhaps for Expat, will take a hit when she dumps you. You are certainly free to follow your heart and compile your own store wisdom based on your experience.

Please keep us informed. I for one can happily admit I was wrong and you were right.

Good Luck

 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

so whatever life has in store for me.. im gonna take it and learn. 

I definitely get that.   I didn't learn what I learned in my life, by always taking everyone's advice and playing it safe.  I did things my way, made my mistakes and held myself accountable to it.  In some cases, things actually worked out for me and I ended up showing people something.   Whatever the case, I became a better person for it.  So do what you need to do for you.   I hope things work out but even if you're wrong about it, you'll gain wisdom out of it.

Best of luck OP

- Beach

 

[TeddyBundy1993]

I have been there buddy. If you ask me she is almost over you and have little amount of feeling left for you which she cannot brush off. Yes that's really immature of her at 27. You should give up on this girl now. Your relationship is dangling on last threads of leftover feeling from her side once she figure it out she will leave you in dust and move on to another guy.  You have already shown your weakness towards this girls by taking her back again and again. You needed to make her understand you are not a train station where she can come whenever she wants, date whomever and then return back to you. In long term this gonna fall apart, it might work for now. Save yourself from the mess you'll face in future. You both may bond well but shes really immature and doesnt know what she wants. Better to run away from such a person. 

[lee179108]

Thanks guys, its a weird situation...  like when we had a good open talk last night, I said to her lets not talk until the 17th... yet today shes been messaging me, said shes bought stuff for my bday and said that she wants to go away on that date for 2 nights...  its weird, she took my hoodie last night and messaging me today saying its comforting to her that she has something of mine etc....   Obviously im not replying straight away and acting needy, i dont wanna keep bringing it up to her that i want a decision but i feel like i should say before the 17th I want a definitive answer on where we stand....  i know she just wants to see how things go.. but if by then she says lets see how we go and just focus on having fun then im not sure what way to take that.  

Obviously i find all this hard as I live alone, an hour away from my friends/family and I love her have things in common with her. If im being honest she does seem different after we had that open discussion last night, and she said this morning she felt more positive after it as i told her this morning not to keep buying me stuff as i want her to want to have me as her bf and not do anything out of feeling bad or whatever.  So I guess let's see how this plays out. Im trying to keep busy, I go for short walks everyday, workout and will do a lot more when the gym opens and Ive signed up for a 6 week diet programme and talk more with my friends. But obviously this is still constantly on my mind. 

[d0nnivain]

At this point, do nothing.  Go on your birthday trip with her & act like all is right with the world.  

Continuing to talk this to death is going to make everything worse.  

She needs to see & feel the good stuff -- the magic.  That should set things right more then re-hashing the same old stuff.  

In the end, I suspect that before summer is over she will find the courage to tell you she wants to pursue a different course.  Right now she's hanging on because change is scary & dating in the time of Covid is not easy.  

[lee179108]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

At this point, do nothing.  Go on your birthday trip with her & act like all is right with the world.  

Continuing to talk this to death is going to make everything worse.  

She needs to see & feel the good stuff -- the magic.  That should set things right more then re-hashing the same old stuff.  

In the end, I suspect that before summer is over she will find the courage to tell you she wants to pursue a different course.  Right now she's hanging on because change is scary & dating in the time of Covid is not easy.  

It's her thats initiating conversation, not me.  Like tonight she even told me she loves me before going to sleep, thats she's looking forward to our trip and suggested doing something in September. 

[Wiseman2]

You'll have to play this by ear. Don't overthink it.

[lee179108]

Yeah, its just annoying.. because after the trip away  I will want to know what we are.. where I stand kinda thing.. I dont want to be waiting and taking each week as it comes without clarification. She knows that too though but I need to be careful not to keep asking.  

[Beachead]

Lee,

You have some mistrust in her intentions, her commitment to you, and her loyalty now..and rightfully so.   The lack of answers generates anxiety which in this particular case, is your mind's way of telling you you are in danger of getting hurt.  No matter how cool and collected you pretend to be, these things will tighten you up and make you look for answers, to protect yourself.  It's why you can't shrug it off.   

For you, things are not okay.

At this point, there are no boundaries.  Since you two are not in a relationship, she is free to do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants.  She can talk to you all day and night if she feels like it and she can just disappear without explanation, for a week, to do her own thing with whomever she wants and it would all be fine..because there are no boundaries set for what is accepted and not accepted.  Anything goes.   Here's the beauty of it: If you get angry and frustrated over it,  she can just turn it around on you and say  "I told you we are going with the flow" and she'd be correct, because  what you agreed to.  So, she has managed to silently push you into a position where you can't get answers, because if you do, the pressure might end the relationship.  Because of how you feel for her, you likely you won't risk that.  The whole thing works in her favour where she's leading and in control.  But you are at the mercy of her lead, constantly wondering if this girl will decide she wants to be with you or will just screw you over.   

As I mentioned above, the time you two have already shared with eachother before all this happened should have been enough for her to know what she wanted.  I honestly believe if a person has to put a deadline on someone for an answer about how they feel, the relationship was over a long time ago.  But I know where your head is at right now because I've been there.  That need to know for sure.

So with respect to your plan, my suggestion is make the 17th a quiet deadline for yourself.  Maybe even give her until September.  You want to give her a reasonable amount of time, such that if things don't change and you decide your out, she can't really blame you. In that time, do not ask her for an answer.  You don't want to pressure and that pressure being the reason she uses to walk out.  Just sit back, do as she wants,  try to enjoy it but pay attention and keep your guard up.  This period of time will be more for your conscious should the day arrive that you decide your done because you will feel doubts/guilt about leaving this will help your conscious justify your decision..that you gave her time.

- Beach

Edited August 6, 2020 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

In the end, I suspect that before summer is over she will find the courage to tell you she wants to pursue a different course.  Right now she's hanging on because change is scary & dating in the time of Covid is not easy.  

That is my inkling too. 

I have to wonder if the other guy was the one who backed off first, OP, prompting her to run back to you. That sometimes happens when the new crush isn't quite as interested as the person thought. 

[lee179108]

38 minutes ago, Beachead said:

Lee,

You have some mistrust in her intentions, her commitment to you, and her loyalty now..and rightfully so.   The lack of answers generates anxiety which in this particular case, is your mind's way of telling you you are in danger of getting hurt.  No matter how cool and collected you pretend to be, these things will tighten you up and make you look for answers, to protect yourself.  It's why you can't shrug it off.   

For you, things are not okay.

At this point, there are no boundaries.  Since you two are not in a relationship, she is free to do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants.  She can talk to you all day and night if she feels like it and she can just disappear without explanation, for a week, to do her own thing with whomever she wants and it would all be fine..because there are no boundaries set for what is accepted and not accepted.  Anything goes.   Here's the beauty of it: If you get angry and frustrated over it,  she can just turn it around on you and say  "I told you we are going with the flow" and she'd be correct, because  what you agreed to.  So, she has managed to silently push you into a position where you can't get answers, because if you do, the pressure might end the relationship.  Because of how you feel for her, you likely you won't risk that.  The whole thing works in her favour where she's leading and in control.  But you are at the mercy of her lead, constantly wondering if this girl will decide she wants to be with you or will just screw you over.   

As I mentioned above, the time you two have already shared with eachother before all this happened should have been enough for her to know what she wanted.  I honestly believe if a person has to put a deadline on someone for an answer about how they feel, the relationship was over a long time ago.  But I know where your head is at right now because I've been there.  That need to know for sure.

So with respect to your plan, my suggestion is make the 17th a quiet deadline for yourself.  Maybe even give her until September.  You want to give her a reasonable amount of time, such that if things don't change and you decide your out, she can't really blame you. In that time, do not ask her for an answer.  You don't want to pressure and that pressure being the reason she uses to walk out.  Just sit back, do as she wants,  try to enjoy it but pay attention and keep your guard up.  This period of time will be more for your conscious should the day arrive that you decide your done because you will feel doubts/guilt about leaving this will help your conscious justify your decision..that you gave her time.

- Beach

The thing is, shes even said we are still together and has never ended it...   like even now when she messages me she seems nervous, maybe because its her prompting it and not me and I take a while to respond. I was thinking before we go on the 17th to ask her what are we and how does she feel and ask if she wants to be a couple and not just go there for the sake of it being my birthday. I know we will have a great time there but yeah, see how it goes I guess. Like I said even last night she told me she loves..  but im definitely playing this cool right now. Like yesterday she messaged me saying she knows I said not to talk much with her but she really wanted to know how i was and how my day went...  again, i took my time in responding. 

Edited August 6, 2020 by lee179108
edit

[Beachead]

Ask if you wish but I wouldn't.  

She has already openly said she doesn't feel you have your own life and that you rely on her too much and she has also suggested to you, that she'd like to take it slow.  If you push her for an answer, that's not taking it slow.  Rather, with a person in this mindset, it'll drive them the other way.

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

The thing is, shes even said we are still together and has never ended it... 

..and despite that, you still feel this need to clarify what you two are.  This should tell you that you don't trust her motives or intentions.  I notice you are focusing on her words quite a bit.  Be real careful doing that.  Words told you as a sole means of proof for how a person feels, is not a good source of evidence.   It should only be considered as a supplement to add or detract the validity of a person's behaviour/actions.  So if I were you, I'd pay more attention to her behaviour and her actions and going a step further, how these behaviour/actions make you feel.   

A general rule that I feel applies to your case is this:

If she's treating you well and then she tells you she loves you or something sweet, you will believe her because you feel it through her behaviour.  The words match her behaviour/actions.  You will feel good and secure. 

On the other hand,  if she's treating you poorly but tells you she loves you or says something sweet..something will feel off to you.  Like there this disconnection between what she's saying and how she's behaving.  You will find yourself thinking about it a lot, trying to analyze it, because in actuality, her words and her behaviour don't match. 

- Beach

 

 

Edited August 6, 2020 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 I was thinking before we go on the 17th to ask her what are we and how does she feel and ask if she wants to be a couple and not just go there for the sake of it being my birthday. 

Don't do it.  If you want to cancel the trip do that, but seriously stop talking about the status of your relationship.  Go & have a good time but shut up.  If you keep talking this thing to death you will solidify for her that you are weak & insecure.  Let your ACTIONS do the talking.  

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Don't do it.  If you want to cancel the trip do that, but seriously stop talking about the status of your relationship.  Go & have a good time but shut up.  If you keep talking this thing to death you will solidify for her that you are weak & insecure.  Let your ACTIONS do the talking.  

Noted, I will do just that.. although I may not like it lol...  I wanna go there have a great time, but then when we get back what happens next?!  I need to know where I stand so sooner or later I will need to ask. But I agree I need to see what her actions are.  We havent spoken that much today, shes initiated the messaging and ive took hours to respond.. 

[d0nnivain]

After you see how this trip goes you may not have to have the conversation.  You will know if it was a disaster.  If it went well, just keep up that vibe and then in a few more months make a positive statement about how good your relationship is.  Don't ask her Qs.  See how she reacts to your positive statement. 

You say something like "Honey I love you.  I'm so glad we got through that rough patch last summer. "  Do not say "where are we?  how do you feel?" or initially ask Qs.   

[lee179108]

So... this is the summary so far

 

So last week things were going great, i wasnt being as needy, not messaging much and keeping cool... she told me many times she loved me, missed me, sorry for everything and reflected that she does love and miss me and wants to progress and looking forward for our trip away to restart things.  Last night I was out all day and she was paranoid i didnt care for her, i told her thats not true i was just busy.... she even said id love to kiss you right now and cant wait to see you. We even arranged to see eachother today and have fun...  Then this morning she called me, we spoke, she spoke about having anxiety issues and feeling low sometimes and she doesnt know why as its hard to explain... so i asked her but yeah what is there for you to have anxiety about??  i said that in maybe a loud tone of voice... and then she said see this is why i think i should be alone as you just dont understand and i want support!  i then told her im sorry but i didnt mean to come across like that, ive explained to her how il support her through it all and understand her...  and then she wanted me to go see her tonight to cheer her up and i agreed.  30 minutes went by and she said we need to talk, said shes talked to her mom and that she thinks we need a clean break, not speak anymore or see eachother and break up. Said she doesnt wanna go on our trip next week for my birthday and she loves me as a person...  her head is messed and wants to be alone right now, said if she had feelings for someone else thats just not right (even though she told me last night it was completely nothing and no flirting or anything)   So i asked if this is definetly it now and she doesnt wanna see or talk to me again and she said she doesnt know and for me to give her time, its my birthday next monday where we were supposed to go away, she knows ive said to forget all this crap and focus on having fun...   i know shel text me to say happy birthday and if she does do i just reply short with a thank you??   Ive explained to her how il always be there for her through thick and thin and she knows that... i just dont understand how she can go from  being worried that she will lose me last night and loves me so much, cant wait to kiss me.. to now wanting to break up and being alone???  like i said ive said my stance to her, we dont have eachother on instagram anymore as i told her i need to get off it, she can still message me but weve stopped talking now since this morning. Im not expecting any more from her, i just dont get how she goes from all those emotions yesterday to a different thing today! she said shes struggling with anxiety and stuff at the moment, so i dont know if its a case of not speaking, her getting through all that and then she misses me and gets back i dont know??? but im not talking to her now and just leaving her be... weather i hear or see her ever again remains to be seen...  she still has my hoodie, she said last week it was a comfort thing to be reminded of me and she has other things.. its not like she cant be reminded of me.. i still have some of her things here so i dont know.. its like one minute she thinks one thing the next another.. its so confusing.  Then I worry about being alone, 29 next week, living alone and not finding anyone confident and great like she was...  i just wish she would think like last week again and we focus on having fun. But i dont think that will happen now as she sounded clear on the phone that this is what needs to happen. 

Edited August 10, 2020 by lee179108
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