GF wants to chase me and wants that spark back

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry that she is so indecisive & unable to communicate.  Her timing certainly sucks.  She has lied to you too but in "fairness" to her, she was lying to herself too when she said that her feelings for this other guy were nothing & that she doesn't know what she wants.  She wants out but she's too immature so say so. 

You tried.  I give you a lot of credit for that.  When you asked what she had to be nervous about that was the right thing to do.  When you don't know what the other person wants, you need to check in with them.  For her to respond that you should be alone because you don't know how to support her was wrong.  She was punishing you for not being able to read her mind.  That is a terrible thing to do to somebody else.  

Can you modify your trip with her & bring a buddy, then paint the town for your birthday? 

[lee179108]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm sorry that she is so indecisive & unable to communicate.  Her timing certainly sucks.  She has lied to you too but in "fairness" to her, she was lying to herself too when she said that her feelings for this other guy were nothing & that she doesn't know what she wants.  She wants out but she's too immature so say so. 

You tried.  I give you a lot of credit for that.  When you asked what she had to be nervous about that was the right thing to do.  When you don't know what the other person wants, you need to check in with them.  For her to respond that you should be alone because you don't know how to support her was wrong.  She was punishing you for not being able to read her mind.  That is a terrible thing to do to somebody else.  

Can you modify your trip with her & bring a buddy, then paint the town for your birthday? 

No i cant modify the trip or bring anyone else, i dont care bout losing money and stuff though... even this morning she was saying she loves me and all that!! its just since i raised my tone of voice in asking why she has anxiety thats when something inside her switched...  and she said she feels like she needs to be able to come to me when she gets like this...  ive said to her she can and to trust me on that so i dont know. I feel like shes then just said a lot of things... I dont know.. my heads messed up right now as is hers...  like i said im expecting her to say happy birthday next monday but thats it, shes said shes bought me stuff  but i dont know... its like she said she needs to get over this anxiety and depression stage thing and then start clean...  but yeah all i know is i dont know what the future holds....  if she turns around and say to go next week id go and have fun but i highly doubt she will do that now.  Its just so crazy how she was so scared of losing me last night, wanted to kiss me and stuff and excited to see me and was even planning stuff to now going to this. 

Edited August 10, 2020 by lee179108
edit

[ExpatInItaly]

My honest guess?

This guy has told her he wants to give things a try with her, and she wants to explore that. So, she's back to looking for a reason to end it with you. 

Even if he's not a factor, she doesn't have the right feelings for you to keep this relationship going anymore. It's time to let it be done so you can heal and move on from her. She's not the one you're going to settle down with. 

Edited August 10, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Beachead]

@lee179108

A healthy partner would have already figured out by now, with confidence how they feel THROUGH the experiences, the memories, the conversations that they shared with you; through living life with you.  But instead..here she is and here you both are. She caught feelings for another man. She's doubting how she feels.   It means, the time you've spent with her, wasn't enough to convince her its worth sticking around.   Nothing you do or tell her at this point will make a difference for her, except for your ability to handle the breakup.  Your silence an absence from her life, will do more for helping her figure out how she feels, than you being present, trying to make things work.

Her behaviour keeps fluctuating daily because she doesn't know what's going on in her head, so how can she tell you?  Stop asking her to confirm things and stop focusing on her words.  You'll just be giving yourself things to hold onto, that will change the very next day.

 Your relationship is over now.  It's not your fault.

It is not solely up to you to ensure the success of your relationship.  It is up to her as well, and she is not fulfilling her end of the deal because she is no longer invested.  She just hasn't come to terms with that yet because she immature, but there are factors on her end, that are out of your control, impeding the success of your relationship with her.  Things like her insecurities and her fears and her desires which are influenced by her social life, her family, her past baggage and past relationships.  All of it contributes to how she feels about herself and her environment.  How she perceives it.  How she reacts to it.  The choices she makes.   You could be the best boyfriend in the world, and your relationship still would fail because there are several factors in her decision-making process affecting her as well.  It's not just up to you.  She can only fix herself, you can't.

It doesn't mean there's NO hope for the future and it doesn't mean there IS hope for the future.  It doesn't mean anything, which is why you cannot sit and wait for her.   You need to concentrate on what you know right now, and proceed accordingly, in a way that's best for you.  And what you know right now is she ended it and its over.  Do not take her back so readily.  Do not be available or present in her life.  This will be hard for you as well.  When a couple of months fly by and you haven't heard from her,  it is going to affect you.  You're going to realize, this girl can live without you and everyday she is not contacting you, is another day that's proving its over.   Your hope is going to slowly be taken away and it will hurt you, and you will need all the energy you can muster to get passed it.  But it is through that process, that you will heal and find yourself again.    But you cannot grieve or heal with her in your life.  If you try, you'll fail and the whole process will linger and drag out.  She has to be removed so pull off of your social media.  Box whatever she bought you or her whatever of hers you have.  Take her number and her pictures or anything that reminds you of her off of your phone.  Get it all out of your sight because out-of-sight, is out-of-mind.  Its time to work on letting go and healing.  

For her, she needs to feel the gravity of not having you in her life to understand how she feels about it.  In doing so, she will figure out what she wants.  That may lead her back to you or it won't.   Leave her be, put your energy into grieving this and healing yourself and let time work out the rest.  

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 10, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

A healthy partner would have already figured out by now, with confidence how they feel THROUGH the experiences, the memories, the conversations that they shared with you; through living life with you.  But instead..here she is and here you both are. She caught feelings for another man. She's doubting how she feels.   It means, the time you've spent with her, wasn't enough to convince her its worth sticking around.   Nothing you do or tell her at this point will make a difference for her, except for your ability to handle the breakup.  Your silence an absence from her life, will do more for helping her figure out how she feels, than you being present, trying to make things work.

Her behaviour keeps fluctuating daily because she doesn't know what's going on in her head, so how can she tell you?  Stop asking her to confirm things and stop focusing on her words.  You'll just be giving yourself things to hold onto, that will change the very next day.

 Your relationship is over now.  It's not your fault.

It is not solely up to you to ensure the success of your relationship.  It is up to her as well, and she is not fulfilling her end of the deal because she is no longer invested.  She just hasn't come to terms with that yet because she immature, but there are factors on her end, that are out of your control, impeding the success of your relationship with her.  Things like her insecurities and her fears and her desires which are influenced by her social life, her family, her past baggage and past relationships.  All of it contributes to how she feels about herself and her environment.  How she perceives it.  How she reacts to it.  The choices she makes.   You could be the best boyfriend in the world, and your relationship still would fail because there are several factors in her decision-making process affecting her as well.  It's not just up to you.  She can only fix herself, you can't.

It doesn't mean there's NO hope for the future and it doesn't mean there IS hope for the future.  It doesn't mean anything, which is why you cannot sit and wait for her.   You need to concentrate on what you know right now, and proceed accordingly, in a way that's best for you.  And what you know right now is she ended it and its over.  Do not take her back so readily.  Do not be available or present in her life.  This will be hard for you as well.  When a couple of months fly by and you haven't heard from her,  it is going to affect you.  You're going to realize, this girl can live without you and everyday she is not contacting you, is another day that's proving its over.   Your hope is going to slowly be taken away and it will hurt you, and you will need all the energy you can muster to get passed it.  But it is through that process, that you will heal and find yourself again.    But you cannot grieve or heal with her in your life.  If you try, you'll fail and the whole process will linger and drag out.  She has to be removed so pull off of your social media.  Box whatever she bought you or her whatever of hers you have.  Take her number and her pictures or anything that reminds you of her off of your phone.  Get it all out of your sight because out-of-sight, is out-of-mind.  Its time to work on letting go and healing.  

For her, she needs to feel the gravity of not having you in her life to understand how she feels about it.  In doing so, she will figure out what she wants.  That may lead her back to you or it won't.   Leave her be, put your energy into grieving this and healing yourself and let time work out the rest.  

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So the latest is that she messaged me, said shes spoke to her mom and older sister about how shes feeling depressed, low anxiety and how shes at breaking point... shes now referred herself to counselling or some doctor support  to see if theres something wrong with her. She said it may take a few months but needs to be selfish and do this for herself alone to get through it because she has his and lows.... like last night and this morning.   Said she doesnt know why she feels like this, weather its because shes not busy and off work as she loves her job (she was like this last year as well at the exact same time being off work)   or weather its something else... but shes going to see someone to check it out. I offered my support and said i would go with her but she wants to do it all alone and get through it herself. She said she promises she will contact me to speak about everything that the councillor says and stuff and is speak to me to see where im at, if i understand it and if we can move forward or go our separate ways. She said she promises she will contact me when shes ready but wants the time to figure out whats wrong with her....  so ive left her to it. 

[d0nnivain]

Well I'm glad she's getting therapy but don't hold out much hope for a reconciliation. 

Of course Covid & being out of work are taking a toll on her.  However in a good relationship when the chips are down, you lean on your partner for support.  You don't push the person away to be alone.  

You can't go to the mental health appointment with her.  It will most likely be virtual anyway but she's behaving like somebody who wants out.  Sorry

[Wiseman2]

Enjoy the vacation. Don't worry to much about her state of being, she needs to manage that and work through it.

[lee179108]

Yes, im leaving it all be now... ive removed photos, instagram and all that..   Its this exact time last year she played about, when she was off work and it messed her head...  but yeah ive told her before to go and seek therapy but this time she's actually doing it. She just said she needs to get through this on her own and be selfish in that respect, then when shes ready she will contact me to talk about it all, what was said in therapy, if i understand and will support her in future and if we can move on  or go our separate ways..  i said i will support her and leave her be... and that was that.  So I dont know if wel ever talk again, i mean she said to give her time and she will contact when shes ready.. but i dont know...  I just dont know what the future holds, obviously im hurt but trying to keep it all together because i love her and want her to lean on me... i just dont think shes ever been at this stage before where she goes for help and has a partner who will support her through it all... i dont know i guess i will see what happens.. but dont know how long that will be. 

[healing light]

It sounds to me like she was feeling smothered/needing space/felt the situation was too clingy and you were too available on some level. This probably turned her off and then being attracted to another guy made her realize something was missing from the relationship. So she asked for you to give her more space effectively (by not wanting you to always be right there at her beck and call), except this sudden change and the delay in responding/short answers then made her insecure. She didn't communicate her need for space well nor did she realize what that would look like, so when you gave it to her in the form of short answers it gave rise to anxiety in her because she didn't actually want space in that way. I think what she really wants is for you to have more things outside of the relationship for yourself--friends, hobbies, etc. so she doesn't feel pressure or like she's responsible for your happiness.

I have felt this way before in the context of a relationship in my distant past, could tell the guy was brooding over me all the time with no outside interests and always twisting the time we had together so I felt under a microscope and it ended up killing my attraction that was still in the building phase. It was exhausting even when he wasn't in contact with me.

I'm not blaming you or anything. You gave her what she asked for but I don't think she wanted what she asked for in that particular form, it just left her feeling unsupported rather than meeting her baseline for personal space. I think the best thing you can do is cut this woman loose and focus on building your life so that you feel really good and confident in your own skin regardless of your relationship status. That will be quite attractive to whoever is your next partner.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

She is right about one thing, she needs time alone to sort herself out.  You cannot be there for her.

She can't promise you anything because she doesn't know what she's going to feel tomorrow.  Although she may mean well, she's making you attached to the outcome of expecting to hear from her which will make you hold on and wait, which is the exact OPPOSITE of what you should be doing.  

Look after yourself now because if you don't do that, this limbo she's is putting you in, is going to break you down and affect your mental-state, which will eventually bleed into other parts of your life...and it will ultimately affect your future.  Believe that and don't underestimate it.

For her to know what you and this relationship meant to you, she's going to have to lose it, but keep this in mind..do this to help yourself move forward..not to win her back.  Do this because you care about your well-being and your future and you want to make sure you realize the best one for yourself.  

If she ever comes back you want to in a good place, mentally, to handle it.  And if you meet someone new, you still want to be in a good place mentally to handle it.  And if you don't want to date and just focus on yourself, you still need to be in a good place mentally, to take on the challenges that life brings.  So take care of yourself.  It's the move that makes sense in all 3 scenarios.

- Beach

Edited August 10, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

44 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

She is right about one thing, she needs time alone to sort herself out.  You cannot be there for her.

She can't promise you anything because she doesn't know what she's going to feel tomorrow.  Although she may mean well, she's making you attached to the outcome of expecting to hear from her which will make you hold on and wait, which is the exact OPPOSITE of what you should be doing.  

Look after yourself now because if you don't do that, this limbo she's is putting you in, is going to break you down and affect your mental-state, which will eventually bleed into other parts of your life...and it will ultimately affect your future.  Believe that and don't underestimate it.

For her to know what you and this relationship meant to you, she's going to have to lose it, but keep this in mind..do this to help yourself move forward..not to win her back.  Do this because you care about your well-being and your future and you want to make sure you realize the best one for yourself.  

If she ever comes back you want to in a good place, mentally, to handle it.  And if you meet someone new, you still want to be in a good place mentally to handle it.  And if you don't want to date and just focus on yourself, you still need to be in a good place mentally, to take on the challenges that life brings.  So take care of yourself.  It's the move that makes sense in all 3 scenarios.

- Beach

Yeah she needs to sort her own mental state out and I will leave her alone to do that. Its just confusing when she messaged me tonight to explain she's seeking help for anxiety, depression as she's not herself right now, having anxiety attacks and just low with everything and depressed.. she doesn't know if its due to being off her work as she loves her job etc and she feels like she's at breaking point.  I just found it weird her saying  she's going to sort this out herself now as selfish as that sounds, then saying she promises she will contact me when shes ready and see where im at and talk to me about what the professionals tell her and see if im willing to understand and support her when she gets like this and then we can see if we can move forward from there or go our separate ways. She just said for me to be patient and give her time  although she doesnt know how long it will take and she will contact me when shes ready. I've told her I will support her and give her time, I will understand and never give up on her.  We have spoken before about this at the exact same time last year when she was off work, and I mentioned that she could have mental health issues and it may be good to seek help but this is the first time shes actually going through with it and seeking that help. Last year after she started working 2 months went by and she missed me like crazy, she missed me last week so im curious to see if she will miss me again. Im not saying im gonna wait around for a long time for her, but at the end of the day im willing to be there for her as i love her. I mean, she didn't have to even tell me all this tonight but she did. I think she will message me next monday to say happy birthday, or say thank you for me sending her mom a gift as its her moms birthday this week too. If she does I will reply short and say youre welcome or thanks or something like that.  But I will leave her alone now and just trust that she will contact me again when she's ready to talk. 

[schlumpy]

Did she also tell you the name of the counselor or therapist she is seeing?

 

[lee179108]

21 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Did she also tell you the name of the counselor or therapist she is seeing?

 

No, I didnt ask that.. her sisten works at a hospital and her mom used to be a nurse....  she told me she spoke to them about everything and she self referred and has been given various telephone numbers to call tomorrow to sort it out and seek help. I believe her on that too, theres no way she would lie over something like that.  

[lee179108]

So after 2 days of no contact, she texted me tonight to say this 'I have sent you a birthday card as has my mom as we wanted you to have something on the day'  I just replied by saying thank you.  Not sure why she felt the need to text me that instead of just doing it.. but oh well.  Just leaving her alone now until she's ready to talk, if ever she is.

Edited August 14, 2020 by lee179108
edit

[Beachead]

@lee179108

As nice of a sentiment sending you a card for your birthday is..you two are no longer a couple, you're not genuinely friends and you're not family.  You fit nowhere.   If this breakup persists and the months go on, this will become more and more evident to you.   Right now, it seems she's attempting to put you on hold, until she figures out what she wants to do with you, under the pretence of "figuring out what's wrong with herself." While she may be telling the truth, keep in mind, without the relationship title, she is completely justified to date someone else and do whatever she wants, without considering your feelings about it.   Don't think this girl isn't capable of doing something unexpectedly painful.   

If I were you, I would stop replying to her after this.  She wanted out and she got it.  Take care of you now and let her take care of herself.  She's got her own support.

- Beach

 

 

Edited August 14, 2020 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, lee179108 said:

So after 2 days of no contact, she texted me tonight to say this 'I have sent you a birthday card as has my mom as we wanted you to have something on the day'  I just replied by saying thank you.  Not sure why she felt the need to text me that instead of just doing it.. but oh well.  Just leaving her alone now until she's ready to talk, if ever she is.

She feels guilty for hurting you and this is her way of soothing her own conscience. 

As Beachead suggested, I would stop replying to her now. You are going to need time and space away from her - completely away - to heal. This story is very unlikely to have a happy ending, given all the back and forth, and it would be best for you to concentrate on moving on. 

[lee179108]

Yes I know that and now im backing off, trying to move on etc and not talking..  I just dont understand how one minute she says to break up then that same day she later tells me how shes putting things in place to work on her issues as shes getting counselling for mental health. She didnt have to tell me any of that, like she didnt have to tell me that she sent me a birthday card as she wants me to have something.. its just weird.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

I just dont understand how one minute she says to break up then that same day she later tells me how shes putting things in place to work on her issues as shes getting counselling for mental health.

That's probably because she's not telling you the whole story. 

[schlumpy]

Allow me to reinforce that thought.

Whenever you don't understand something that could be resolved by a yes or no than it's likely you don't have all the pieces to the puzzle.

You immediately turn inwards and blame your own lack understanding where no one can in this world (except Sherlock Holmes) can put together the real picture without the plain facts.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

• Either you're not getting the whole story.
• She herself doesn't even know why she's doing what she's doing, because she's that unaware of herself.   
• She's unsure she feels the same.  She needs time, so she keeps you hooked on her, until then. 
• She doesn't feel the same anymore.  She knows you're a good guy so she feels guilty by it, and does "nice" things to soothe her conscious.

No matter the case does the "why" really matter anymore being she's already broken it off with you?  No matter how much you stress on it, you're not going to figure her behaviour out.   If you ask for clarification from her, you'll be given an answer, and then shortly following it, she'll do something contradictory again, just like she did before.  Then you're back to confusion.  Back to the same spot.  It happens so often, its to the point where she is unreliable.  If she's unreliable, you can't count on her as a partner.  How can you when you don't know what to expect from her?  Today she might be fine, but how will tomorrow be?  You'll always be in a state of anxiety because of it.  Can you live like that?   

Think about it like that.

Edited August 14, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

25 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

• Either you're not getting the whole story.
• She herself doesn't even know why she's doing what she's doing, because she's that unaware of herself.   
• She's unsure she feels the same.  She needs time, so she keeps you hooked on her, until then. 
• She doesn't feel the same anymore.  She knows you're a good guy so she feels guilty by it, and does "nice" things to soothe her conscious.

No matter the case does the "why" really matter anymore being she's already broken it off with you?  No matter how much you stress on it, you're not going to figure her behaviour out.   If you ask for clarification from her, you'll be given an answer, and then shortly following it, she'll do something contradictory again, just like she did before.  Then you're back to confusion.  Back to the same spot.  It happens so often, its to the point where she is unreliable.  If she's unreliable, you can't count on her as a partner.  How can you when you don't know what to expect from her?  Today she might be fine, but how will tomorrow be?  You'll always be in a state of anxiety because of it.  Can you live like that?   

Think about it like that.

Very true, shes mentioned she suffers from anxiety before but never really gone into detail about it...  she also thinks I just dont understand it and she only has deep discussions with her mom about it. All She said this week was she needs to sort herself out with this problem by seeking help and then contact me when shes got through it and ready.. she sent me a voice message and it did sound really genuine where she has issues. I guess I will just have to see how it all plays out...  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's probably because she's not telling you the whole story. 

Agree. Unfortunately sound like someone else may be in the picture.

[lee179108]

So she messaged me last night saying this

have a good night, 'im going to the doctors on Monday and ive got a counselling assessment on the 1st of September, moving things forwards should be better once im in work ha ha, just thought id give you an update but will speak more once ive been to the doctors, i miss you too'  

I just replied by saying I understand. 

 

Not sure why shes telling me this, or why shes gonna let me know how her appointment went??  if she does i will just reply short and say something like, good to see your sorting it out.  

[ExpatInItaly]

You sound like such a lovely guy, OP.

Don't waste more energy on her. She isn't the one. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Not sure why shes telling me this, or why shes gonna let me know how her appointment went??  if she does i will just reply short and say something like, good to see your sorting it out.  

It's friendzoning talk. Keeping you in the loop like all her friends.