GF wants to chase me and wants that spark back

[Beachead]

@lee179108

4 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Not sure why shes telling me this, or why shes gonna let me know how her appointment went??  if she does i will just reply short and say something like, good to see your sorting it out.  

Because she can.  Because you keep on responding to her.   She's gaining confidence knowing she can sideline you, for whatever reason, and you'll always be there on the other line to answer, because you not only assured her of that in words, but because you're showing it.  You're causing your own problems right now, by not respecting yourself and establishing boundaries.

You don't want friendship with her.  You want a relationship with her..but she broke it off.  Yet there you are, still replying to her.  Why?  Are you trying to be a good friend?  You're teaching her she can keep you, without having to commit to a relationship, because what incentive does she have at to want to get back together with you if she can already get all the perks, without the commitment?   You are devaluing your own position.  Now it could very well be this relationship is over, but for the small chance that it isn't, you're killing it, by sticking around.  She will not respect you for it.  She will however, respect you, for doing what any strong person would do which is go your way to take care of yourself, because who wouldn't?  Nobody wants to be put on hold.  Not her either.  

You have feelings which corrupt ones ability to be a genuine friend because they bring expectation and hope, for a desired outcome (To get back together).  Until you rid those feelings by being able to learn how to live without her, a genuine friendship can never be.   And to get there, it takes time.  A lot of time.  Right now,  you're lying to yourself and to her, by masking those feelings, and pawning your conversations/actions with her like you're not being adversely affected by the situation.  That isn't being sincere.  And her?  She's keeping you around, while she sorts herself out, knowing its unfair to you, but she doesn't care, because it benefits her..so she's not being sincere either.  Where's the friendship in that?  Where's the sincerity?

If she wants to break it off to take care of herself, that's good for her, but that means YOU have to look out for you now, because by staying this limbo with her, your life is being put on hold.  It will affect your well-being ultimately.  Leaving is not to coerce her back into your life.  It's not about her.  It's about you and whats best for your future.   If you're worried about leaving because you think you'll be losing a relationship with her..guess what?  You already have.  And if you're worried she'll get upset with you and never talk to you again..she's not justified to feel that way.   She wanted out, you gave it to her.  She doesn't get to have you, in whatever way she feels like it.

Stop replying.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

Edited August 16, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

Well I got birthday cards from her and her mom today, in the one her mom sent was a note saying    that shes in a fragile state right now with panic attacks and depression, these are a regular occurrence to her and when shes been off work for so long its got to her as she needs structure in her life. Said she will get through this and doesnt know what will happen in the future. 

So saturday she told me she would update me on her doctors appointment that she has today... i guess i dont know how to handle this, if shes fragile I wanna be supportive and understanding...  is being short with her right to do?  I dont wanna totally ignore her.  If i say things like  'glad to see youre getting help'   stuff like that  is it ok?

[Wiseman2]

Why is her mother sending psychiatric reports in a bday card?

Consider stepping away from the whole family.

[assertives]

You are slowly inching your way into friend-zone territory. There's nothing wrong if you want to continue to be supportive and understanding towards her. But do not go in with the expectation that this will one day lead to you guys getting back into a relationship again. If you do not want to be a friend, don't. My advise is to step away totally and go NC like for real. All those updates about how her doctor's appointment went, how her day went is just friend-zone territory now.

Edited August 17, 2020 by assertives

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is her mother sending psychiatric reports in a bday card?

Consider stepping away from the whole family.

All of this. 

Your ex's mental health is not your responsibility, and I frankly find quite self-serving to have reported all of this to you in your birthday card. Mom (and ex?) made it about her, rather than about celebrating your special day. What does that tell you?

I think her mental health is part of this, yes, but it's certainly not the whole story. She broke up with you once before, and has another guy in her orbit. He is a factor in this or she wouldn't have mentioned him. Maybe she's stressing because she has done something she shouldn't have with him, and doesn't know how to deal with the guilt. Maybe she didn't cheat, but the guilt of having feelings for someone else is doing her head in anyway. She doesn't seem to know how to cleanly break up with you so she's keeping you around, just in case this other guy doesn't want to date her. I don't think that's very fair. It's still all about her and her needs and her desires. 

What about your feelings? They don't seem to be very important to her, I'm sorry to say. I have a feeling when she's feeling more balanced, she will not need you as her crutch anymore and she will fall off the radar. 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

if shes fragile I wanna be supportive and understanding...  is being short with her right to do?  I dont wanna totally ignore her.  If i say things like  'glad to see youre getting help'   stuff like that  is it ok?

Do you want to be her BF or her shrink?  You can't be both.  If you don't have the education & training you can't be her mental health professional.  You can try to be supportive but it may not keep her in your life. 

While she was broken & her life was a mess, she matched with you to date.  As she gets well, she may outpace you & want more.  

It's a lose lose situation for you.  I would not continue to invest.  

[lee179108]

Right, as I thank you all for giving advice on here I am now totally coming off this because Its making me feel even worse. I want to find out whats going to happen myself, make my own choices weather they will be good or bad and then learn from them. A few things I need to mention here,  her mom put a note in the bday card saying that because I sent her one last week and said i would support her. I 100% believe she didnt cheat and that she has feelings for me, otherwise she wouldnt continue talking to me and say she misses me. Her head is all over the place with this and it has been a few times before.  I blame myself partially for not being understanding towards mental health, but believe I've told her and showing that I do understand and showing support by leaving her alone. You can all say for me to ignore her and leave her or whatever but the fact of the matter is that she is the one I love, thats not to say im going to wait around for months and months on end.. but if she messages me now I will reply in an understanding short way. I wont initiate long conversations.   She knows I wont just be a friend. 

Its her birthday mid September, im not sure yet weather to send her a birthday card or just leave it... i guess I will have to wait and see how I feel... weather you all think thats bad i dont care anymore. Im 29 and I will make my own decisions and learn. One part of me says not to send it as that makes her curious and shows im moving on.. other part says send it as that will remind her and make her reflect. 

She messages me this morning to say happy birthday, i just said thank you.  She hasnt updated me yet of her doctors appointment but i dont expect her to do it today as its my birthday.. if she does this week i was just going to say i understand, I'm glad you're getting help through this rough patch and then stay quiet. Wait for her to initiate conversation.. I have read a lot about mental health recently, and even the sufferers say the most important thing is to listen and be patient. 

 

So whatever all of you think I really dont care right now, im willing to fight for this, be patient and supportive. Yes you could all be right and this may end up hurting me more, but if I dont try and learn then i will never forgive myself. 

 

Thanks for your replies to my situation, if things end up well i may just come back on here to update you all how it went. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I get it.  You love her & want to help.  I hope that works out for you.  I think your compassion is a sweet thing. 

But I have been where she is & when I pushed the men in my life away in that state, I wanted them gone.  In my head I knew I couldn't be a good partner & when I got better I never got past the idea that they stayed out of pity.  Healthy me saw them & they reminded me of sick me which I didn't want to be reminded of so I resented the guy.  

My husband stuck by me in my last bout with this but now that I'm going through it again, I want to push him away.  I know I'm not thinking logically.  He's also not so much of a reminder because we started when I was in a good place.  

As for her birthday, see how you feel next month. 

If you want to be with her, stay a steady presence in her life.  The disappearing so she will miss you thing is BS game playing. In her present state of mind, you go dark on her you won't be able to come back because she will have concluded that you disappeared because she's not worth it & you don't care enough. 

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

I have read a lot about mental health recently, and even the sufferers say the most important thing is to listen and be patient. 

That can be true, and keep in mind that many of us here speak from personal experience of having a loved one with mental health issues. Some posters suffer themselves. All we can do (and are doing, I feel) is giving our thoughts based on personal observations and experience. The same goes for posters who have been in similar on-off-on-off relationships like yours.  Many are giving their perspectives from the around the corner you have haven't yet turned. 

Whatever the case - take a load off today. Enjoy your birthday and have fun. Put her out of your mind and focus on you. You deserve the happiness that should come with a birthday celebration. 

[lee179108]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That can be true, and keep in mind that many of us here speak from personal experience of having a loved one with mental health issues. Some posters suffer themselves. All we can do (and are doing, I feel) is giving our thoughts based on personal observations and experience. The same goes for posters who have been in similar on-off-on-off relationships like yours.  Many are giving their perspectives from the around the corner you have haven't yet turned. 

Whatever the case - take a load off today. Enjoy your birthday and have fun. Put her out of your mind and focus on you. You deserve the happiness that should come with a birthday celebration. 

Thank you, i cant enjoy anything right now due to this but trying to keep it together. I wont ignore her completely, and I will send her a birthday card in September as ive took on board what was said about ignoring her and her then maybe thinking i abandoned her. Bye for now guys... 

[Top10point5]

11 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I get it.  You love her & want to help.  I hope that works out for you.  I think your compassion is a sweet thing. 

But I have been where she is & when I pushed the men in my life away in that state, I wanted them gone.  In my head I knew I couldn't be a good partner & when I got better I never got past the idea that they stayed out of pity.  Healthy me saw them & they reminded me of sick me which I didn't want to be reminded of so I resented the guy.  

My husband stuck by me in my last bout with this but now that I'm going through it again, I want to push him away.  I know I'm not thinking logically.  He's also not so much of a reminder because we started when I was in a good place.  

As for her birthday, see how you feel next month. 

If you want to be with her, stay a steady presence in her life.  The disappearing so she will miss you thing is BS game playing. In her present state of mind, you go dark on her you won't be able to come back because she will have concluded that you disappeared because she's not worth it & you don't care enough. 

Hi,

Im going through something similar as OP and even made a thread about it.

When you pushed people away, did you hate when they tried to initiate contact with you or did you appreciate that they at least took an attempt to try to be there no matter how much you pushed?