Tryingloveagain Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 I need some advice and maybe eye-opening.I will start from my past: I have been married to a bipolar man for 12 years, where I was emotionally and physically abused. I have 2 children with that man and about 4 years ago I finally was able to get out...I am realizing now that at the age of 37 I never had an actual relationship with a mentally healthy person...about 7 months ago I met a man through dating app...he is 45, never married, no kids..he is extremely intelligent, great job, and business. He had previous relationships, the last one was also with a bipolar person, but he was able to see the red flags a bit faster than me. He was engaged to that woman, but broke up...from the very beginning we realized that we have similar ideas about the future and family...and from the very beginning we decided we are going to take things slow because of our previous experiences... We like spending time together, have great conversations. It was not only about sex, I do feel we are connected on a deeper level. Now to my concerns....I do realize it has been only 7 months...I also do realize that because of my previous marriage that was living hell I tend to overthink things... 1. He didn’t introduce me to his family..He is 45 and doesn’t depend on their opinion, but why keep his parts of life so separate? He met my kids. I don’t even know if they know about my existence. The family is very positive so I don’t think its his way to protect me or disappoint.. 2. In 7 months - not even one tiny gift...Believe me, I could care less about money or expensive dinners, but when you like someone, don’t you want to make her feel special? 3. He texts me Good morning practically every day and we communicate through the day.. sometimes more sometimes less but every day...but very rarely he would ask about what I am doing and how was my day... mostly about him... if I bring up my day he will listen and react to it , but rarely asks first... 4. He is extremely busy with work and new business and rarely will initiate the get together..there is always something going on...And I hate asking since I don’t want to look clingy. 5. He didn’t tell me he loves me ..and as a result, I am not saying it either . in our conversations about our pasts he told me he never said those words.. and it seems scary .. he is 45! Sounds pretty bad? I don’t know what to do...I really like him... and he said that he thinks we are compatible and he likes spending time with me..and his intentions are long term....what should I do? Thank you ! Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 I find it very odd that you have not met anyone in his family. You have been to his home I gather? I suggest you do some unromantic detective work and at a minimum run his name (it is his real name?) through the online services that look up those things about people that they forget to mention. Such as bankruptcy, criminal convictions or child molestation. Look at your local website for sex offenders. Check to see if the property he lives at is deeded in his name through the local registrars office. In fact I would suggest you get a PI (if you can afford it) to run a check on him as they have access to databases denied to the public. Don't be a fool in love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 How often do you see each other? Do you go on nice dates? Is he cheap or just not a gift giver? Pull back if you are doing too much too soon. Do not try to make up for lost time . What do you know about his friends and family? Keep in mind he runs a business. Perhaps you wish this was the marriage you never had. It's not. You need to adjust to new people. He may not be compatible with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryingloveagain Posted August 5, 2020 Author Share Posted August 5, 2020 Thank you for your reply! I am 100 percent sure there is no criminal background or anything like that. I have been to his house multiple times, he has a very good job and a business. Family is also very well-to-do. There are signs of it his house and he always speaks very highly of them. When he gets together with them, he sends me pictures of events...but I am not invited to them? Sounds to me he doesn’t take it seriously Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 He's more reserved than you are. He is not into the whole family/kids thing so family introductions may not be as big a deal to him as it is to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryingloveagain Posted August 5, 2020 Author Share Posted August 5, 2020 When i had availability of a babysitter and didn’t work because of Covid, we saw echo other 2 times a week. Now it’s less since his business is really going up. He is not cheap, but we both preferred to meet at his place, I am not a big fan of going out, I like staying home and talking and doing things at home Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryingloveagain Posted August 5, 2020 Author Share Posted August 5, 2020 I am trying to make a decision- do I continue with this or break up now Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 He doesn't seem to be the kind of family man you're looking for. If you enjoy his company for now, see how it goes. However you may be more comfortable with a very family oriented single dad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dangerous Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 He is 45 and successful, maybe he is naturally selfish? I have a friend like this, and he will never change. he is married now in his late 40's but still treats his work and money as his biggest love. Depends if this is the kind of relationship you want. btw, I am not really friends with him any more, he's too self absorbed. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 Don't break up before you discuss your concerns. Why not suggest having his family over for a meal? Tell him you would appreciate it if he initiated a date once in a while so you can feel more included. Ask about his gift giving practices / concerns. Sticking up for yourself so your needs get met in a relationship is not clingy. It's assertive & shows good self care. Suppressing your needs just to keep some SO is unhealthy. Do be cautious because frankly he sounds like an emotionally distant person. My husband was closed off like that but we talked about my expectations. Slowly but surely he came around. Don't give up without at least trying to talk about thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 Just on the family thing , not meeting them yet after only7 mths is nothing . lt doesn't even sound like your that close yet in communication or in only seeing each other once or twice a wk so far . He hasn't even needed to met your kids really yet not like you two are a 24 7 thing and racing down the isle. Your kids might have to meet 10 more men yet , you don't want that, his family might've met a dozen of his ex's over the yrs, l mean who cares they wouldn't be interested in that or do your kids need it. You only bother with the big one and you guys are a fair way from that yet. 7mths is nothing . l'm not sure how into it he is it's a little hard to tell if he's so busy. He might not wanna rush things, or just be so busy. He could also be unaware of his bad habit of not asking you many things , some people just aren't but if you talk about it they realize- or they're just self centered and don't really care- either way , talk about it. l'm thinking he's stuff could go either way it's a bit hard to tell. But l'd be thinking if you really get along and are feeling things and it seems to be both ways in other ways, then give it a bit more time. Spend some more time together just for now, talk more about all this stuff you've said here too and anything and everything else on your mind, see how it all goes and how your feeling , what he has to say and efforts first, before making a decision 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted August 7, 2020 Share Posted August 7, 2020 After going true so much you need to be careful and take time to heal and rebuilt yourself and the kids. Just leaving and go by your daily life is not enough or healing process. You have young kids, maybe best is to wait till they 18 to start dating and bring man around. On your situation, talk to him about ehat you want and like.This should have been way before sex. Once sex is involved it mess up your mind specially if only one person catch feelings. Him not telling you he love you is not wrong atall.You cant love no onr romanticly in few months.Love is something that CAN grow with time and years. Only thing he may tell you if so is that he is inlove with you. Meeting family or friends....you shoulda meet his people and stuff way before bringing your kids into it.So you can see who he is and come from. By this time maybe he coulda let you meet atleast friends his. Talk to him about it ,ask him about it, let him know your wishes and wants. And see how he react and act on it. Only him can answer you why.And he been true same as you he said so maybe he more careful who he brings around.7 months is not a long time either. But its the time you should be get to know eachother etc. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted August 8, 2020 Share Posted August 8, 2020 Sounds like he doesn't want an actual relationship with you, just someone to chat and have sex with at his convenience, who will accept little effort on his part. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2020 Share Posted August 8, 2020 On 8/5/2020 at 1:06 AM, Tryingloveagain said: Family is also very well-to-do. There are signs of it his house and he always speaks very highly of them. When he gets together with them, he sends me pictures of events...but I am not invited to them? Yes he may not be taking this seriously or he may have another reason for hiding you away? Mama and Papa may not approve of their son getting involved with a divorcee with kids... What about religion /ethnicity? Sometimes that can be another reason for not introducing gf/bfs to family. Or maybe they loved his last gf and not too keen on meeting another. Or they are really not interested in his parade of gfs that never go anywhere.. Who knows? but it is not a good sign IMO Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted August 8, 2020 Share Posted August 8, 2020 (edited) All of those are bad signs but the fact that he never initiates seeing you is pretty telling. A great way to gauge real interest is to see if they initiate seeing you regularly. Would you even see him at all if you never initiated? I would not suggest to him to initiate. That’s totally on him. I would back off and observe what he does as well as detach yourself emotionally. I don’t think he really wants a serious relationship with you. Edited August 8, 2020 by hippychick3 Link to post Share on other sites
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