Will forgiveness fall or adultery prevail !

[Jazz_lost]

Hi,

Me and my wife have been married for almost 11 years now and we have a son who is almost 9 years old. I got married when I was 25 years old.

During my marriage I have been faced by two tough life decision. I’m gonna explain each scenario and my take on those decisions.

Scenario #1:

Everything was going fine but in 2015 I had a suspicion that she is talking to one of her university friend (He is married and has a child-lives in other EU country) and the conversations were out of proportion. I even asked her and she said everything is fine. So, in december 2015 I told her that you should contact your friend for last time and tell him that these calls and messagings should be stopped. I told her that she can talk to him in the other room and say bye once for all. She talked to him on skype that night on laptop. In morning I Woke up and found she was sleeping next to me. I went to the other room and turned the laptop as I had left the recording on before giving to her(can’t confront without proof). Out of curosity when I played it, she mentioned that my husband does’nt know That I travelled and had sex with you. After listening to this I felt my soul left me. So, i confronted her and she apologized and said won’t happen again. I forgave her and moved on.

Wife version before confronted: They both wanted to get married as she loved him and he loved him back too much

His version after last call: It’s difficult because we have family and you know it’s not easy ro leave them

My version: I told my wife before and after, he is using you and eventually will never leave his family. I don’t know how many times they had sex but I didn’t ask any further.

Conclusion: I didn’t take decision in haste and forgave her. I wanted family to be top priority.

Scenario #2:

I am doctor by profession and had to work in an another country due to contract. My wife is working In IT company and the kid is with her. we talk everyday on phone. She told me that a friend also helped him move her stuff. His name is J.So I left in June 2017. I usually visit x2 times in a year. Everything seems fine till August 2020. I visited again and when she picked me from airport we drove home by her car. I was connecting bluetooth for songs and saw J name on the connected devices. I asked her who is this shetild me that tou remember my friend J who helped move my stuff while changing accomodation. He asked me for a favour regarding car as he had to pick his kids(his car was in workshop). That was normal for me to listen songs and connect bluetooth. The guy J has 3 kids, and is not married.
Now what triggered me to look into this matter. I visited my family in december 2019-Feb2020 also. During that time I found something strange. Her behaviour was changed and was also avoiding sex and kisses at that time. So this time I don’t know why after scenario#1, i was feeling something out of proportion. I checked her e-mail and her conversation with that J was mentioned. I know you guys must be curious why not ask her, as i mentioned earlier she told me nothing is going on and everything is fine. Still once i read some part of chat I couldn’t read anymore.

She had told him that she was single mom.

They were in affair from May 2018-June2020(i’m astonished how she hid it)

They had sex alot during these times.

She used pregnancy coil nov-2018-dec2019.

Guys I couldn’t read anymore. I confronted her and she told me that this guy was just time pass.  Next year 2021 she is going to move with me, she said she never thought I could figure out. She told me what happened and explained the she made mistake and wants to repent it. She cried alot. She told me she took medical tests and she is clean.

My take: I love her and forgave her for what she has done. I don’t know but i think family is important and the kid should not be the victim.

Help needed: I know she has commited adultry with x2 men. She has broken me from inside and still I don’t know why I forgive her. What is wrong with me. Why I trying to save my relation always when I have nothing to loose.

Will my forgiveness prove vital or will she commit adultry again. Help me out guys, I’m stuck and can’t take decision.

To be honest my heart says forgive her, which I did eventually.

Sincerely,

deserted_soul

[schlumpy]

The mistake you made was forgiving her when you discovered the first affair that you know of.

No consequences equals repeat behavior. At minimum you should have informed the other mans wife. You taught her that you would tolerate her lovers.

In my opinion you are married to a serial cheater and she will cheat again.

Your choice is to live with it (for the kid, if you need an excuse) or divorce and find someone that has your back.

You lived with the first affair why can't you live with this one? You love her, right? No sacrifice too great.

Your third option is to join in the fun and get yourself a girlfriend that will be loyal to you.

Although your wife might get upset when she sees her security being threatened.

[Wiseman2]

Can you divorce or is that too expensive? She can still have custody of the kids while you work under contract.

[Jazz_lost]

@schlumpy

I informed the other person wife and she also didn’t want her house to be broken. She was tormented like me and eventually everything was fixed.

But the question is why I’m not able to make decision and let her go. Instead forgiving her and making her stay. How confident are you man that she will cheat again. This thing is eating me, will she do it again?

[Jazz_lost]

@Wiseman2

@schlumpy

i forgot to tell one thing. During both confront situations she told me that please don’t tell this to your parents or mine. I’m having these secrets and haven’t shared with anyone.

Yes she can take the custody of kid. I keep thinking she will change and leave all this behind. I am stuck in making decision.

[Wiseman2]

Don't tell her parents, tell your attorney. She's not going to change. One day you may be raising a child you won't even be sure is yours 

Is divorce allowed in your culture? You're a physician, you shouldn't have a problem finding decent honest women

[Jazz_lost]

@Wiseman2

Yes, divorced is allowed in our culture. Man why is that I have given everything of my life to her and she stabbed me twice. Is being honest that rare in relationship. So silent betrayel

[schlumpy]

I understand. You love her. Leaving her behind would be like cutting off your own arm.

Look up a program called the 180. If you type "cheating 180" into google and a list of sites should come up that carry different versions of it. This is regimen designed to get you detach your feelings for you wife, so you can make good decisions for yourself. It will take time to take effect and it's effectiveness will depend on how much effort you make to follow the program.

Right now you should not offer reconciliation. Let her hang.

Do not go to marriage counseling. It won't work unless she is truly remorseful and that is not represented by her manipulating you with tears because she got caught. You could get her into individual counseling and then branch into marriage counseling later if her counselor gives his\her stamp of approval.

Meanwhile it's time to play detective.

She must give you access to all her media accounts. Complete transparency is a must. If she balks then you file for divorce. and tell the family.  That is your leverage but if she truly remorseful she will offer this to you without prompting.

Put a GPS in her car and a hidden voice activated recorder (unknown to her) and have location on her phone active at all times. Install cameras (unknown to her) in you home as well as hidden voice activated recorders in areas where she makes phone calls. These will provide intel that you can use personally but probably not in a court of law.

Try to recover all text from her phone and other media devices. I suggest you get an expert for this.

Never tell her how you are finding out things. Do not give up your sources. Sometimes the laws about recording are against you so I suggest you only do it to gather information. 

Start digging into the past through phone records. I don't think these two affairs are all there are. She may have friends or neighbors that will tell you what they know about her behavior. 

What you have to figure out is does she love you or are you just a meal ticket while she pursues fun times with guys she finds exciting. Once you know that answer your decision will be very quick to form.

You should also DNA test your child. I know this is repulsive but it accomplishes two things. One it will let wife know how serious you are and two it will ease you mind.

If she doesn't like it then throw a copy of divorce papers on table in front of her and ask her to sign them.

You have to be prepared to lose her. If she agrees to divorced then it was only matter time anyway. She was just looking for the right exit.

Good luck and don't give up. There are women that will be loyal to you if you are loyal to them. 

 

[elaine567]

First time no idea really, but doctors work a lot, are tired a lot and can be no fun... add in the "love of her life " and she took the opportunity...
Second time you left and worked in a foreign country visiting her twice a year!!!!
I am not that surprised she went looking for solace elsewhere...
Women do not thrive  under neglect, they will seek support and emotional connection somewhere else.
They may immerse themselves in family, friends, hobbies, volunteering etc. or drown themselves in alcohol or get high...
Your wife instead sought out the company of other men...
Unless you can somehow fill that gap in her life and be able to connect with her on a deeper level, I believe she will cheat again.
 

[Wiseman2]

Your don't need to play detective and get a bunch of spying devices to know she's cheating. She already told you she is.

The next step is a consultation with an attorney to review your options. Skip the recorders, tracking devices, threats, etc. Makes you look paranoid and crazy.

Just cut to the chase and divorce her.

[Jazz_lost]

Thankyou guys for giving me positive vibes. I appreciate it alot. I’ll see the situation closely for next 10-15 days. 

I’m open for more suggestions mates.

[notbroken]

You'll likely never trust her again - nor should you quite honestly.   She is a serial cheater.  Plain and simple.  Likely incapable of monogamy in spite of what she says.  Do yourself a favor and divorce her.  If not, just don't expect monogamy from her and all the problems, jealousy, wondering, and hits to your self esteem that will likely bring.  She has proven to you who she is.  Believe her. 

[JRabbit]

as someone who grew up with divorced parents, never ever stay "for the kids".  Kids are not dumb, they know a loveless/troubled marriage when they one. They will lose all respect for you and the mother if you both stay.  No child wants their parents to be together over their parents being happy.

Will she cheat again? Yes. Unless she enters therapy now and finds out why she does this and actually WANTS to stop she will never stop. She only is saying these things because she got caught. If you didnt catch her it would have continued.

[justbrowsing85]

Sorry you are here.  there is love and there is blind love.  i understand how you feel about breaking up the family but the resentment will only grow in my opinion.  If she isn't already get herself into counseling without you bringing it up,  i wonder what is there to save.  The fact that she doesn't want you to expose the A shows you she is still in self preservation mode, not helping you to heal.   As others have mentioned, she is a serial cheater and that most likely will never change.  

Whatever path you choose, make sure you think about yourself too (if not first), not just the kids and especially not her.   Strength to you brother. 

[notbroken]

You will find that your wife blames you for her cheating.  Yes, you read that right.  She will blame you.  She likely won't blame herself and will see you as 'the bad guy'.  You will be made guilty of anything and everything - even stuff there is no way you could have done.  She will do that to justify what she has done in her own mind.   Eventually, she may leave you because you can do no right.   Everything you do will be wrong.  Save yourself that heartache.  Leave her.  Quickly.   Now is not soon enough. 

[Jazz_lost]

Thanks alot for keeping the positivity prevail guys.

She just told me that she wants to continue this marriage with first step of counseling. She told me that she is willing to bring change in relationship. She is crying and hugging me alot.

Guys should I give her chance? The only thing which I fear is that I’m kind hearted and I love her. If she is really remorseful and devoted that will be plus point eventually but if things reverse my heart will be cold stone foreva.

I know that it’s a difficult situation but at the same time it’s matter of my life’s hardest decision .

Your wise suggestions will be appreciated guyz.

 

[elaine567]

42 minutes ago, notbroken said:

You will find that your wife blames you for her cheating. 

Probably but as he lives in a foreign country and only visits his wife and child twice a year, then how many would be completely faithful with that arrangement?

Edited August 6, 2020 by elaine567

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Jazz_lost said:

She just told me that she wants to continue this marriage with first step of counseling. She told me that she is willing to bring change in relationship. She is crying and hugging me alot.

Guys should I give her chance? The only thing which I fear is that I’m kind hearted and I love her. If she is really remorseful and devoted that will be plus point eventually but if things reverse my heart will be cold stone foreva.

I know that it’s a difficult situation but at the same time it’s matter of my life’s hardest decision .

Your wise suggestions will be appreciated guyz.

 

You're in a tough spot. No one wants a divorce yet no one wants to be looking over their shoulder with worries and doubts. Go for the therapy, but also confidentially see what an attorney has to say in the event that you eventually choose this route. Does your work take you away fro extended periods?

[Jazz_lost]

@elaine567

Update from Her: She is planning to move with me along with kid in March 2021 after winding all the stuff (sell car, house and kid from school).

 

[Jazz_lost]

@Wiseman2

Actually the contract of project is gonna finnish in August 2023. So I am bound to work and take holidays off in summer and in winter (month each).
 

Update from Her: She is planning to move with me along with kid in March 2021 after winding all the stuff (sell car, house and kid from school).

[amerikajin]

10 hours ago, Jazz_lost said:

Hi,

Me and my wife have been married for almost 11 years now and we have a son who is almost 9 years old. I got married when I was 25 years old.

During my marriage I have been faced by two tough life decision. I’m gonna explain each scenario and my take on those decisions.

Scenario #1:

Everything was going fine but in 2015 I had a suspicion that she is talking to one of her university friend (He is married and has a child-lives in other EU country) and the conversations were out of proportion. I even asked her and she said everything is fine. So, in december 2015 I told her that you should contact your friend for last time and tell him that these calls and messagings should be stopped. I told her that she can talk to him in the other room and say bye once for all. She talked to him on skype that night on laptop. In morning I Woke up and found she was sleeping next to me. I went to the other room and turned the laptop as I had left the recording on before giving to her(can’t confront without proof). Out of curosity when I played it, she mentioned that my husband does’nt know That I travelled and had sex with you. After listening to this I felt my soul left me. So, i confronted her and she apologized and said won’t happen again. I forgave her and moved on.

Wife version before confronted: They both wanted to get married as she loved him and he loved him back too much

His version after last call: It’s difficult because we have family and you know it’s not easy ro leave them

My version: I told my wife before and after, he is using you and eventually will never leave his family. I don’t know how many times they had sex but I didn’t ask any further.

Conclusion: I didn’t take decision in haste and forgave her. I wanted family to be top priority.

Scenario #2:

I am doctor by profession and had to work in an another country due to contract. My wife is working In IT company and the kid is with her. we talk everyday on phone. She told me that a friend also helped him move her stuff. His name is J.So I left in June 2017. I usually visit x2 times in a year. Everything seems fine till August 2020. I visited again and when she picked me from airport we drove home by her car. I was connecting bluetooth for songs and saw J name on the connected devices. I asked her who is this shetild me that tou remember my friend J who helped move my stuff while changing accomodation. He asked me for a favour regarding car as he had to pick his kids(his car was in workshop). That was normal for me to listen songs and connect bluetooth. The guy J has 3 kids, and is not married.
Now what triggered me to look into this matter. I visited my family in december 2019-Feb2020 also. During that time I found something strange. Her behaviour was changed and was also avoiding sex and kisses at that time. So this time I don’t know why after scenario#1, i was feeling something out of proportion. I checked her e-mail and her conversation with that J was mentioned. I know you guys must be curious why not ask her, as i mentioned earlier she told me nothing is going on and everything is fine. Still once i read some part of chat I couldn’t read anymore.

She had told him that she was single mom.

They were in affair from May 2018-June2020(i’m astonished how she hid it)

They had sex alot during these times.

She used pregnancy coil nov-2018-dec2019.

Guys I couldn’t read anymore. I confronted her and she told me that this guy was just time pass.  Next year 2021 she is going to move with me, she said she never thought I could figure out. She told me what happened and explained the she made mistake and wants to repent it. She cried alot. She told me she took medical tests and she is clean.

My take: I love her and forgave her for what she has done. I don’t know but i think family is important and the kid should not be the victim.

Help needed: I know she has commited adultry with x2 men. She has broken me from inside and still I don’t know why I forgive her. What is wrong with me. Why I trying to save my relation always when I have nothing to loose.

Will my forgiveness prove vital or will she commit adultry again. Help me out guys, I’m stuck and can’t take decision.

To be honest my heart says forgive her, which I did eventually.

Sincerely,

deserted_soul

It seems that she keeps looking outside the marriage for something that she seem to see inside the marriage. Please understand, I'm not blaming you; I only point that out because I think that an honest conversation will get you closer to the truth, and then you can make your decision.

I would ask her, "Why do you keep looking for love and sex outside our marriage?" I know it's hard, but brace yourself for an honest answer and try to listen first before reacting. Brace yourself for the truth, and try to listen. When she's done talking, you can certainly give her your side of things. And yes, it's wrong to have an affair outside the marriage. No matter what 'wrong' she accuses you of, affairs are a terrible solution to any problems in a relationship.

But I think you need to hear why she keeps going out of the relationship and then both of you have to think about whether it's fixable.

 

 

 

 

[schlumpy]

She's trying to bull her way through it because she knows she can wear you down. She's done it before.

That's not remorse. That's not regret. That is not an understanding of what she is doing to you and the family.

Don't let her rug sweep. 

 

[d0nnivain]

You are a scientist, a doctor.  What does the evidence tell you?  

It tells me she is a cheater & a liar.  You gave her a 2nd chance after you found out about the 1st guy from college.  She blew that 2nd chance by cheating on you with J.  Your wife is not trustworthy.  By staying with her & accepting this you are sending your kid the message that it's OK to break vows.  

If she is truly committed to making this marriage work a few things will have to happen. 

Step one is she needs to move to you immediately (or at least as soon as she can with Covid).  Waiting until March gives her 8 more months to cheat. You can sell a house & car remotely.  It's also a hot market.  Houses are selling in days.   It's got to be now or never.   

Step two you need marriage counseling.  You are never going to rebuild trust without professional intervention.  Her cheating is a cancer on your marriage.  As a doctor you certainly wouldn't tell a patient to treat their cancer without a doctor's help.  You marriage deserves the same professional intervention. 

Step three she needs to be transparent in all her communications & with all her devices, although as an IT person she could easily hide a burner phone from you so be careful.   

[Jazz_lost]

Update:

As counselling is in progress and she has opened herself to me alot. She has told me everything and is remorseful for her actions. She has even texted that guy in front of me saying that she wants to return his and take her things back on this Wednesday. Everything looks fine till now.

As we have one kid and I always thought of more kids. She is willing to go for it. As I told her earlier that if we have more kids your mind will be at peace and you will think more about our family that will make us closer.

-The only thing that bothers me is that she told me you want more kids but I don’t. As another kid will make your mind satisfied and at peace that i’m with you. Even if she is willing to go all through this for 9 months Is their any hidden agenda?
I cannot even imagine if someone can have a hidden motive behind it. Is it because I have told her that it will make us closer or maybe she really doesn’t want more kids(am i forcing her for more kids). Am i overthinking too much?

-Guys don’t worry about dad stuff the kid is gonna be mine. She has also gone through medical examination and everything is fine.
 

I mention here that she has opened to me alot during this time and is giving her best to be faithful wife. She is even updating me where she is going and also sending me screenshots throughout the day.

From my point of view, i have seen her throughout these 11 years and she is behaving like a faithful wife. Am I missing something?

What should I care ahead? Valuable advice shall be appreciated. 

What you think how things are gonna turn out in future, so that I have an idea about it.

[Crazelnut]

Do NOT have another child with her! That won't keep her from cheating on you. The one that you already have certainly didn't keep her from cheating on you. She doesn't even want another kid. This is all just wishful thinking on your part.

Why are you still married to her. Serious question. You never see her. She cheated on you TWICE. Why?