Dumped for not 'giving' enough

[gcp]

I'll try to make this short.  I'll start with our age difference, I am 32 (M) she is nearly 25 (F).  I currently have a very stable career, home etc, she is in nursing school.  We are from the same town, but her nurshing school is a 3 hour drive away, and she goes back in september (covid dependent).

We had been together just shy of a year, would have been a year in September.  We had had some talks in the past, she requires a lot of affection, I thought I was giving enough.  I'll be honest, I am not overly affectionate, I show my love/care in other ways.  It wasn't enough.  On a couple occasions when she was drunk she said some very hurtful things to me about stuff I confided in her about.  Stuff I don't share with hardly anyone.  It really hurt me, I tried to talk about it when she was sober but she basically said, "well its true" and didn't seem to be sorry at all.  I believe I held onto that, maybe why I lost some of my affection for her.   We also had a big fight where she threatened to leave because she had a dream I cheated on her and did reassure her enough that I would never cheat on her when she told me about it in the morning.  I did say I would never cheat on her but I assume I wasn't convincing enough.

Despite her using personal stuff against me to hurt me when she wasn't getting what she needed, I never made a personal attack on her.  I treated her with respect.  Her nursing program went to online only after xmas break.  She was already staying with me during her break, and continued to stay up until now, working on school from my home.  I was always wiling to talk, at times it would be exhausting because nothing I said seemed to make any difference.  At times I did shut down a bit when I was just tired of fighting.  It always seemed that the issue was with me, and I began to feel like nothing I did was enough.  I believe I sort of gave up and it sucks.  I loved her, I did try but I feel some resentment built up and usually our talks were a one way street.  Ending with me needing to change this or do more of this.  She even said today before she left that the ONLY  reason she stayed any longer was because in our last fight I agreed to go to counseling.  I have some childhood stuff I could probably work thru and I also have insecurities which might need some unpacking, who doesn't.  That was a month ago and I have been slammed at work, never making the calls to get an appointment.  

I walked in the door today from work and she said she couldn't do this anymore.  She wasn't happy and I still haven't given her what she needs.  I feel like a complete failure.  While I know I am who I am, I still feel like I am at fault here.  Like I completely neglected her to the point where she couldn't stand me anymore.  She seemed happy and fine and all of a sudden she would be crying and saying we need to end the relationship.  This happened a handful of times and finally this time I didn't fight it.  I let her walk out.  Break ups suck, I don't think I'm a bad guy or a bad boyfriend, I just couldn't sustain what she needed and that stings.  I couldn't give her enough.

[ShyViolet]

She threatened to leave you because she had a dream that you cheated?  Seriously?  That is completely crazy and irrational.  She sounds exhausting and high-maintenance and like nothing you did would ever be enough for her.  It almost sounds like she enjoyed creating drama in the relationship.  I think you're better off without this girl.

[gcp]

She did, and I feel that caused me to pull back a bit, which lead to more fights and so on.  It was exhausting and finally I couldn't fight anymore and I damn sure didn't wanna be affectionate to someone who just threw a bunch of my personal stuff back in my face.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sounds like you just weren't right together. When there's so much drama, it's usually best to go your separate ways. Love isn't always enough. 

[gcp]

It just bugs me that I never raised my voice or intentionally said things to hurt her, gave her a place to live while she did school online, set up and office for her in a spare bedroom, tried to help out when I could, basically I tried to be a good partner and she made me feel like I did nothing, like I straight up neglected her.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like she is going through her own issues. And she seems a bit immature.

Have you read the book Five love languages? Google it. It could help you in the future with someone else.

[gcp]

I am somewhat familiar with the love languages, her's prominent one was definitely physical touch, second would be words of reassurance.  I'm more of the spending quality time together.  I am still working full time in my career during this covid, and not remotely, I have to be there.  My days are long and busy and my free time is important to me.  I valued spending time with her.  Most of the time if I didn't suggest something to do we would just sit on the couch.  She wouldn't really help me out in that regard.  I was good about giving her words of encouragement when her schooling got tough, I would tell her every night and every morning before I left for work that I loved her.  She just would get very insecure if I wasn't basically all over her or constantly telling her she was beautiful. 

In my mind those words carry less weight when you're constantly saying them.  I would compliment her and I MEANT it every time.  I learning a lot through this though.  I am not saying she is all to blame, thats not fair.  But there was no talking, or calm discussion.  She would get very defensive when I would express how I felt about things if she didn't agree with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is a massive headache you don't need in your life, OP. 

There is no pleasing someone like her, and you would have been forever walking on eggshells. Let her stay gone, and next time, don't tolerate so much crap before you decide to cut the cord. 

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, gcp said:

I tried to be a good partner and she made me feel like I did nothing, like I straight up neglected her. [...] She just would get very insecure if I wasn't basically all over her or constantly telling her she was beautiful. 

I've known a few women like this. The neediness and expectations are over-the-top because they don't have a solid, secure sense of self at the core. They depend on external sources of supply for homeostasis. It's like trying to fill a bucket with a big hole in the bottom using an eye dropper. They blame you for how they feel, and no matter how hard you try it's never enough. A normal, healthy person needs appreciation, but their fundamental emotional regulation is from within. A healthy person gives and receives in approximately equal measure, whereas with this kind of neediness it's only about them needing more and more, and manipulating you into a situation where it's a full-time job to keep them out of deficit mode. Eventually your constant attention is taken for granted and valued less. At this point they will need to find a new source and start the cycle all over.

Just as you've said, it leaves you feeling like a failure and wondering why your everything wasn't enough. You have to  become aware of how this worked, and what it is about you that cause you to fall into such a pattern with someone like this. When you learn to see it, and learn that meeting needs in a relationship should never be a one-way street, when having your needs met is a priority too... hopefully you will find a relationship where you are appreciated for who you are and not just how much you're willing to give and give and give.

 

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't sounds like a mature adult & she sounds very needy.  

If you need counseling to fix a dating relationship end it. Marriage counseling is one thing but dating, just don't bother. 

When you learned her love language was touch, it wouldn't have killed you to hold her hand, snuggle her or put your arm around her when you were sitting on the couch.  An occasional text when you were on a break at work probably could have re-assured her.  He doesn't do it often but every few months my husband will send me something cute like a kiss emoji or an I love you.  It always brightens my day.  

You are not a failure.  She had a LOT of issues.  Just let her go.  Once she's gone you will be amazed at how much lighter your life is.  

[schlumpy]

It strikes me that this was her way of breaking up without carrying the guilt load. She put that on you.

For some people it matters quite a bit who is at fault for a breakup.

Sorry that you had to take the brunt of it but this wasn't an instant decision on her part. She's been working you for a few months.

Nothing wrong with you except you need to tune your picker to avoid needy women.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree she sounds immature and needy. She hasn't developed her own inner happiness and was expecting you to provide a constant supply of it through certain actions. 

I admit I was somewhat like this in my 20s. I had a rough childhood, had unresolved insecurities and fears as a result, and tended to go from extremes of being too needy or too distant. Your ex might have similar issues at play here. But that stuff takes a long time and probably good counseling and self-work to untangle. You can't fix it for her. 

I think one of the most important qualities in a partner is a happiness that comes from within. If they have that, it's more likely they've resolved their major issues and can withstand the normal ups and downs of life and moderate their own feelings, without burdening you with a constant obligation to reassure and attend to them.

[notbroken]

You dodged a bullet quite honestly.   There is just no way you (and likely anyone) could have been 'enough' for her.   You were incompatible on a few levels.   I suspect she will have trouble finding anyone that is 'close enough' to her Disney fantasy.   Using your childhood against you is dirty.   No thanks.  No doubt it hurts but I really do think you dodged one here.   In 20 years she would have been looking for affection somewhere else. 

[gcp]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She doesn't sounds like a mature adult & she sounds very needy.  

If you need counseling to fix a dating relationship end it. Marriage counseling is one thing but dating, just don't bother. 

When you learned her love language was touch, it wouldn't have killed you to hold her hand, snuggle her or put your arm around her when you were sitting on the couch.  An occasional text when you were on a break at work probably could have re-assured her.  He doesn't do it often but every few months my husband will send me something cute like a kiss emoji or an I love you.  It always brightens my day.  

You are not a failure.  She had a LOT of issues.  Just let her go.  Once she's gone you will be amazed at how much lighter your life is.  

The thing is I did, or at least thought I did.  Whenever we were just hanging out watching Netflix or she was on her laptop sitting on the couch I would snuggle up or put her legs across my lap and give her a little massage, hold her hand etc.  I really tried.  I also told her how much I appreciated it whenever she would help out with chores around the house.  

[kendahke]

14 hours ago, gcp said:

she said she couldn't do this anymore.  She wasn't happy and I still haven't given her what she needs.  I feel like a complete failure. 

Tell her she has to be out by the end of the month.

Let her go treat someone else like this.

You are not a complete failure--you and she are incompatible and she is unwilling to address her shortcomings as far as being a shrill harridan with you. You don't need to bind your life to someone who refuses to examine their own mess.

And that dream is probably her projecting what she's been doing... the guilty always make the most noise.

Before my ex butt dialed me on his way to his new girlfriend's condo, he stood in my hallway with a colossally pained look on his face and asked me if I was cheating on him. In fact a few times he'd been with me, he had this look like he needed to tell me something, but was trying his hardest to swallow his tongue.  I would ask him what was wrong and he'd say "work" or "business".  

I was incredulous at the suggestion, but he said he'd had a dream that I was with someone else... come to find out, the reason why he was looking the way he was looking was that he knew what he was doing and he couldn't muster up the balls to admit to my face that that's what he was doing behind my back.

The best defense is a good offense. 

Edited August 7, 2020 by kendahke

[gcp]

Possibly, I trusted her, I honestly do.  But her last 2 serious boyfriends both cheated on her, one even gave her an STD (curable one) from a lady he had been messing around with.  She stayed with that guy for a while after that I believe.  Anyways, I know I wasn't has happy, I found myself looking for extra work to do just so I wouldn't have to come home and see her once again just lounging about.  She really had no hobbies or really close friends in town to do anything with, that bugged me.  I felt I constantly had to think of things to do to break up the monotony, and still in the end it was I who wasn't doing enough.  This one doesn't hurt nearly has bad as my last one, so  I will survive.  Thanks all

[Wiseman2]

You'll be ok. She has too many issues and immaturity for the long run. Did she move back home?

[gcp]

She starts back up in school in september, so she moved her clothes out this morning while I was gone.  Left me a note saying sorry how it ended and that she hopes I see this was the right choice.  I'm like "yep, got it, thanks" lol

[mark clemson]

From a LT perspective, I think you've dodged a bullet here. Suggest you "slow fade" with the responses to any future breadcrumbs (such as any emails you might get while she's in school) to the point where you just ignore them completely. Consider going to therapy for you and also moving on as soon as you feel ready. I agree with I think several folks above that you're better off without this person.

[gcp]

43 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

From a LT perspective, I think you've dodged a bullet here. Suggest you "slow fade" with the responses to any future breadcrumbs (such as any emails you might get while she's in school) to the point where you just ignore them completely. Consider going to therapy for you and also moving on as soon as you feel ready. I agree with I think several folks above that you're better off without this person.

I’m sorry, what do you mean by LT?  Thanks.   I’ve gone no contact.  I think that’s best for me now, just try to stay busy and move on. 

[mark clemson]

44 minutes ago, gcp said:

I’m sorry, what do you mean by LT?

Long term 🙂

[gcp]

Just me venting and working things they my head here, but when we broke up part of her reasoning was she didn’t even want to live in this state after she graduated.  Said I wasn’t willing to move.  She knew I had an established career when we started dating.  One that’s fairly region specific.  Honestly I would have been open to the discussion at the appropriate time but it was never really discussed.  She had it in her head that I’d never be willing to move, that I didn’t want 4 kids, that I didn’t want horses.  
None of this was truly discussed openly and honestly.  Maybe mentioned in passing but never a “let’s figure this out” talk.  Quite frankly maybe a little early in the relationship to even begin planning a family and potential state move

Edited August 7, 2020 by gcp

[lana-banana]

Eight years may not seem all that big, but between 24 and 32 it's frankly enormous. There is almost no way you two would be at the same place in your lives in order to appreciate each other (which is more important than a number). You did everything you could have, but ultimately she wasn't yours to keep. I'm very sorry. It would be in your interest to puursue someone closer to your life stage next time. 

[amerikajin]

On 8/6/2020 at 10:52 PM, gcp said:

 I walked in the door today from work and she said she couldn't do this anymore.  She wasn't happy and I still haven't given her what she needs.  I feel like a complete failure.  While I know I am who I am, I still feel like I am at fault here.  Like I completely neglected her to the point where she couldn't stand me anymore.  She seemed happy and fine and all of a sudden she would be crying and saying we need to end the relationship.  This happened a handful of times and finally this time I didn't fight it.  I let her walk out.  Break ups suck, I don't think I'm a bad guy or a bad boyfriend, I just couldn't sustain what she needed and that stings.  I couldn't give her enough.

I think you pretty much summed it up yourself: you couldn't love her the way she wanted to be loved. That's not necessarily your fault. It's just as much on her as it is on you. At some point, you might want to see a counselor once in a while just to unpack all those thoughts and feelings. You'll probably appreciate it more now that you're not under pressure to save your relationship; it'll just be for you, which is really what it ought to be.

Don't feel like a failure. You're still quite young and capable of making someone else happy, but make yourself truly happy and balanced first.

[gcp]

I know, I do want to take time for myself, this whole quarantine and working has been quite stressful, add on a failing relationship and I was barely keeping my head above water.  I even told her in one of our fights that I can't be the sole source of her happiness, that is impossible for me and actually and unfair expectation.  Her reply was "you're not even trying though".  

This is day 2 of waking up alone, and to honest, I actually feel better, I was able to actually get some good sleep, woke up, made breakfast, got coffee.  I'm still sad of course, but more at peace with it all.