Dumped for not 'giving' enough

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, gcp said:

I know, I do want to take time for myself, this whole quarantine and working has been quite stressful, add on a failing relationship and I was barely keeping my head above water.  I even told her in one of our fights that I can't be the sole source of her happiness, that is impossible for me and actually and unfair expectation.  Her reply was "you're not even trying though".  

This was likely always going to crash and burn, OP. 

She has unrealistic demands, and seems to look for reasons to complain so she can eventually bail. She takes zero accountability. People like tend to have shorter-lived relationships because nobody can possibly be the person they are seeking - they project their own unhappiness onto everyone else and blame them for their own miserable attitude. The likelihood that this would have lasted much longer than it did was just about zero. She isn't mature enough and doesn't want to do any of the work that long-term relationships require. Her behaviour is reminiscent of a spoiled toddler who needs to be parented and coddled at all times, or she throws a tantrum. 

You can't have a long-term, happy, and healthy relationship with a very large toddler. 

[amerikajin]

2 hours ago, gcp said:

This is day 2 of waking up alone, and to honest, I actually feel better, I was able to actually get some good sleep, woke up, made breakfast, got coffee.  I'm still sad of course, but more at peace with it all.  

I think this line says it all. If you're more peaceful outside the relationship then it's probably not a good relationship - sometimes two people can be good people but not good together. It happens. That's not to say you won't feel sad because there were obviously better times at one point and you're both presumably decent people. But at least it's just a breakup and not a divorce after 10 years and 2 children.

[gcp]

I have a pretty close group of friends and have become good friends with their girlfriends and wives as well.  We would frequently all hang out together and I could tell the other ladies were kind to her, but didn't really get to close to her.  Almost like they could tell something was up.  I noticed that.  She would also get jealous of the friendship I had with these other girlfriends, nothing inappropriate at all, just normal conversation and banter like friends do.  It really bugged her and she brought it up a few times.  I stopped bringing her around them because I didn't want to deal with the headache that would result, especially if alcohol was involved in the situation.  I haven't told any of them yet, but I bet they won't be surprised and I am guessing they will be relieved for me.

Isn't it sort of a red flag when you GF has a tough time making friends with other women?  Or is this normal?  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, gcp said:

This is day 2 of waking up alone, and to honest, I actually feel better, I was able to actually get some good sleep, woke up, made breakfast, got coffee.  I'm still sad of course, but more at peace with it all.  

Excellent. this needed to come to a head and her moving out. You were both unhappy and it simply ran it's course.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, gcp said:

Isn't it sort of a red flag when you GF has a tough time making friends with other women?  Or is this normal?  

Woman here. 

Women can be really hard on each other sometimes; if there's a pre-established "group," it's not always so easy to feel welcome. Having said that, when you take this into consideration with all the other concerning behaviour, then I would say the problem is your ex. She is the common denominator if she struggles to make and keep friends. 

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, gcp said:

Isn't it sort of a red flag when you GF has a tough time making friends with other women? 

How old were these other women?

[gcp]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

How old were these other women?

Lates 20’s

[gcp]

There was also one occasion where we went up to her parents cabin to visit for the evening.  The cabin is an hour drive from house.  I had to be up for work the next day at 5AM.  They proceeded to get intoxicated and have a family heart to heart session, basically her venting about her older sister.  A lot of jealousy towards her older sister.  She also referred to things that sounded a lot like things going on in our relationship and her parents were giving her advice, drunken advice.  It was something I am sure they should have talked about but I definitely did not need to hear it.  It was like I was there but not at all included in the conversation.  Anyways, this went on until 1 AM, I stayed sober to drive us home.  We didn't even get home until a little after 2AM, they all knew I had to be up for work at 5AM.  I was a little pissed.  On the way down I told her I was a little upset that we are getting home so late, even suggested why she didn't suggest I either leave and they could have given her a ride home in the morning.  

She turned it on me, saying I was selfish and that she had a really cathartic talk with her parents and they got a lot out, which is good, but I also told her I felt a little uncomfortable hearing some stuff I probably didn't need to hear.  She basically laid into me the whole drive home, I was furious but held my tongue knowing she as trying to bait me into a fight.  I didn't talk to her really the whole next day, still trying to cool down and process everything.  She claims she didn't remember what she said, and when I told her she didn't seem to think it was a big deal, never really genuinely apologizing for it.  I should have left then.

[gcp]

19 hours ago, gcp said:

There was also one occasion where we went up to her parents cabin to visit for the evening.  The cabin is an hour drive from house.  I had to be up for work the next day at 5AM.  They proceeded to get intoxicated and have a family heart to heart session, basically her venting about her older sister.  A lot of jealousy towards her older sister.  She also referred to things that sounded a lot like things going on in our relationship and her parents were giving her advice, drunken advice.  It was something I am sure they should have talked about but I definitely did not need to hear it.  It was like I was there but not at all included in the conversation.  Anyways, this went on until 1 AM, I stayed sober to drive us home.  We didn't even get home until a little after 2AM, they all knew I had to be up for work at 5AM.  I was a little pissed.  On the way down I told her I was a little upset that we are getting home so late, even suggested why she didn't suggest I either leave and they could have given her a ride home in the morning.  

She turned it on me, saying I was selfish and that she had a really cathartic talk with her parents and they got a lot out, which is good, but I also told her I felt a little uncomfortable hearing some stuff I probably didn't need to hear.  She basically laid into me the whole drive home, I was furious but held my tongue knowing she as trying to bait me into a fight.  I didn't talk to her really the whole next day, still trying to cool down and process everything.  She claims she didn't remember what she said, and when I told her she didn't seem to think it was a big deal, never really genuinely apologizing for it.  I should have left then.

Was I being unreasonable here for being upset?  She got very dark on the way home and after that I sort of saw her for who she was when she was drunk, and I pulled back my affection and intimacy probably for self preservation.

I got close to her and told her some personal stuff and she used it as ammunition against me when she got upset.  I couldn't bring myself to open up to her anymore on that level after that.

Edited August 10, 2020 by gcp

[Ruby Slippers]

On 8/8/2020 at 12:08 PM, gcp said:

This is day 2 of waking up alone, and to honest, I actually feel better, I was able to actually get some good sleep, woke up, made breakfast, got coffee.  I'm still sad of course, but more at peace with it all.  

This is how I've been feeling since my breakup a couple months ago. I loved the guy, we had some great times, but in the end he was kinda dragging me down.

20 hours ago, gcp said:

 Anyways, this went on until 1 AM, I stayed sober to drive us home.  We didn't even get home until a little after 2AM, they all knew I had to be up for work at 5AM.  I was a little pissed.  On the way down I told her I was a little upset that we are getting home so late, even suggested why she didn't suggest I either leave and they could have given her a ride home in the morning.  

This woman sounds way too demanding and I think it's a good thing you're moving on. But if I see anything you could learn for next time, this story suggests to me you were a bit of a doormat. Now, maybe you're normally not like that but you were bending to try to keep the peace. But setting and establishing boundaries is very important. For me, I can't focus at work unless I get a good night's sleep. So when it was time to get going, I would have politely said I need to get home because I have work early, so she could figure out if she wanted to go with you or have someone else drive her home. In fact, I would have made sure before we even went there that she knew what time I'd be leaving. You can't really be mad at someone for not respecting a boundary you never made clear. That's on you.

[amerikajin]

14 minutes ago, gcp said:

Was I being unreasonable here for being upset?  She got very dark on the way home and after that I sort of saw her for who she was when she was drunk, and I pulled back my affection and intimacy probably for self preservation.

I got close to her and told her some personal stuff and she used it as ammunition against me when she got upset.  I couldn't bring myself to open up to her anymore on that level after that.

There are often two sides to a story, but based on what you're saying, she seems a little on the self-absorbed and immature side of the scale.

Regardless, it seems like you two were never meant to be as a couple and that it's for the best that you two aren't together.

p.s. I wouldn't take her back if she has second thoughts.

 

 

[gcp]

8 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This is how I've been feeling since my breakup a couple months ago. I loved the guy, we had some great times, but in the end he was kinda dragging me down.

This woman sounds way too demanding and I think it's a good thing you're moving on. But if I see anything you could learn for next time, this story suggests to me you were a bit of a doormat. Now, maybe you're normally not like that but you were bending to try to keep the peace. But setting and establishing boundaries is very important. For me, I can't focus at work unless I get a good night's sleep. So when it was time to get going, I would have politely said I need to get home because I have work early, so she could figure out if she wanted to go with you or have someone else drive her home. In fact, I would have made sure before we even went there that she knew what time I'd be leaving. You can't really be mad at someone for not respecting a boundary you never made clear. That's on you.

Very true, I did mention a couple times that night that we should get going, they would acknowledge it, then go off on another tangent.  Still trying to be respectful of her parents, I endured, I should have suggested I leave and she could get a ride home in the morning with one of them.  That is on me, but the tongue lashing I got on the way home was dark, she got real dark.  I attributed it to the alcohol, but the more I saw that side of her, I began to withdraw.  She would bring up my exes and past relationships and that killed my libido, at least towards her.  It was very unattractive, and she is a very beautiful woman.

 

8 hours ago, amerikajin said:

There are often two sides to a story, but based on what you're saying, she seems a little on the self-absorbed and immature side of the scale.

Regardless, it seems like you two were never meant to be as a couple and that it's for the best that you two aren't together.

p.s. I wouldn't take her back if she has second thoughts.

 

 

I agree, you all are only hearing my side.  She did have good qualities.  I do believe she was faithful and I trusted her.  And we did have our good moments.  But when she got upset, or wasn't getting the attention she needed, the gloves came off.  I would withdraw, she would get insecure that I wasn't attracted to her anymore, when in reality it was her personal attacks and jealousy that turned me off.  It starts to wear on you when all you hear is whats wrong with you, or what you aren't providing.  I did attempt talking with her, calmly, I tried to listen to her, and could relate to what she was feeling and recognized, ok yes I have fault in all of this.  When I would voice my side of it, she would get defensive and have a rebuttal to basically everything I said.  I told her I love her, but sometimes I do need a few moments to myself to just decompress or clear the mind, not days, just a few hours here and there.  She took it personal when in reality it was nothing to do with her and all to do with me.  I also told her that the personal attacks just to hurt me were not ok.  She can't use my stuff against me to hurt me when shes upset, I told her when she does that it feels as if she doesn't even respect me as a person let alone a romantic partner.  

The best I can describe it is, she would make a decision in her mind as to what I wanted, how I felt, what I was thinking and nothing I said to her would convince her those thoughts were just not true.  She made up my mind for me and thats the way it was, that was her reality.

[healing light]

On 8/9/2020 at 11:38 AM, gcp said:

She turned it on me, saying I was selfish and that she had a really cathartic talk with her parents

Okay I haven't even made it all the way through your thread yet but by the first post I was thinking this woman has some kind of personality disorder. This right here is called DARVO (Deny attack, reverse victim and offender). It's an emotional manipulation technique designed to sweep your legitimate concerns under the rug and turn any concern you have around on you so you don't challenge a gas lighter. Look up gaslighting if you don't know what it is, but it sounds like you were subject to it given how much you started to doubt yourself in the end.

This woman has been giving several red flags and no amount of attention would likely be enough. From being angry about you regarding her own dreams, to baiting you for fights, the circular arguing, the DARVO above, difficulty making friendships,  dismissing hurtful comments that she said to you, and having you think you were a s***ty neglectful person. Sounds like there is enough there to unpack that this would not have ended well no matter who the partner was.

Look up narcissism and BPD. I'm not saying this girl has these disorders, but you will find that Cluster B's in general use a lot of the same emotional manipulation techniques and it's important to recognize them for future relationships so you don't get stuck draining your life force and confidence over someone who was never healthy for you.

Edited August 11, 2020 by healing light

[healing light]

On 8/9/2020 at 11:38 AM, gcp said:

I didn't talk to her really the whole next day, still trying to cool down and process everything.  She claims she didn't remember what she said, and when I told her she didn't seem to think it was a big deal, never really genuinely apologizing for it

This is an example of gaslighting. The old "I didn't say that," "that didn't happen," "I don't remember that," "if it did happen, it wasn't a big deal," "you're too sensitive."

[healing light]

1 hour ago, gcp said:

The best I can describe it is, she would make a decision in her mind as to what I wanted, how I felt, what I was thinking and nothing I said to her would convince her those thoughts were just not true.  She made up my mind for me and thats the way it was, that was her reality.

Look up Dr. Ramani on YouTube and start going through some of her videos. You'll see her address some of your comments about how this relationship left you feeling verbatim through her videos.

[gcp]

I have a close friend, like one of my best childhood friends, that works in the mental health field.  He knows the type of guy I am and I told him a bit about the relationship and he was basically speechless.  He was not a fan of her and wasn't easy on me either.  I'm glad I'm not constantly being reminded how I'm not "enough".

[elaine567]

On 8/9/2020 at 3:17 PM, gcp said:

Lates 20’s

So they are not in her age group  and they are an established older clique, that can be difficult to break into even if she wanted to.
She may have not wanted to.
The gfs  of your friends may have held no interest for her.
 

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, healing light said:

This is an example of gaslighting. The old "I didn't say that," "that didn't happen," "I don't remember that," "if it did happen, it wasn't a big deal," "you're too sensitive."

Maybe but they were all extremely drunk. I wouldn't  be surprised if she  didn't remember it all.
She was out there having a drunk, "cathartic" talk with her parents,  she probably felt really good and then the sober and pissed off bf ruined it... so she went on the attack.
Seems to me this is basic incompatibility, the OP does not understand her and she doesn't understand him.
They lived together far too soon due to lockdown, but whilst it probably suited both at the time, it was not a match made in heaven and so it quickly unravelled.
She held a lot of resentment  and discharged it intermittently. His instinct was to withdraw but it just fuelled more resentment. She wasn't happy she couldn't take it anymore, her needs were not being met, so she left....

And now we have the almost obligatory "my ex was crazy" and whilst that is all part of the healing process, it is best not to get too bogged down in that.
Truth is the "craziness" of the ex is usually completely cured by getting out of a bad and unhappy relationship.  
Forget the "she did this", "she did that" and trying to assign "blame",  and instead concentrate on why you tolerated it for so long, so you don't do that again...
 

[Wiseman2]

Be glad she's gone. Sounds like you'll have a lot more peace in your life.

[gcp]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe but they were all extremely drunk. I wouldn't  be surprised if she  didn't remember it all.
She was out there having a drunk, "cathartic" talk with her parents,  she probably felt really good and then the sober and pissed off bf ruined it... so she went on the attack.
Seems to me this is basic incompatibility, the OP does not understand her and she doesn't understand him.
They lived together far too soon due to lockdown, but whilst it probably suited both at the time, it was not a match made in heaven and so it quickly unravelled.
She held a lot of resentment  and discharged it intermittently. His instinct was to withdraw but it just fuelled more resentment. She wasn't happy she couldn't take it anymore, her needs were not being met, so she left....

And now we have the almost obligatory "my ex was crazy" and whilst that is all part of the healing process, it is best not to get too bogged down in that.
Truth is the "craziness" of the ex is usually completely cured by getting out of a bad and unhappy relationship.  
Forget the "she did this", "she did that" and trying to assign "blame",  and instead concentrate on why you tolerated it for so long, so you don't do that again...
 

I never said she was crazy.  And actually writing out all the “she did this” “she said that” is helping process everything.  
 

Thanks for the advice.

[gcp]

I'll give you the cliffnotes of the "cathartic" talk.  I left a lot of it out, but it made me feel very uncomfortable.  Her younger sibling is transitioning right now.  My ex's mother began crying saying "she's dead, *blank* is dead as we know her."  The father basically reaffirmed that said sibling is basically cut off from the family.  

It transitioned to how her older sister always treats her like she doesn't know anything, always telling her she doesn't know how tough things are and to wait until she has 3 kids, etc.  Also how she is jealous of her stay at home life style.  They then began talking about the oldest sister who married a rich banker and how they don't think he is a good man but she has never wanted for anything... so its ok.  

It was super uncomfortable.  Look , I'm not perfect.  Hell yes did I withdraw from the relationship.  I own that, and it most definitely lead to more outbursts.  But I never intentionally disrespected her or used her personal stuff to cut her down.  I should have never put up with that.  But just enough time would go between them that I thought maybe it was just stress from school, or stress from covid or stress from family.