Am I being used?

[Hoggy5221]

So gonna make this as short and to the point as I can.

Got back with an ex after being 2 years apart, I had given her 2 chances 2 years ago and each time she ended up dissappearing out of contact then reappearing again, her explanation was she was messed up mentally and resorted later on after we finished to therapy sessions.

So she's back since 4 months ago and I have seen a difference in her, tbh I almost felt she's too good to be true and thought initially she got back with me as she had just got out of a 2 year relationship ... even though she claims she always loved me and always thought about me and knew she would contact me again, she even created a fake fb profile to keep tabs on me within these 2 years.... another part of me thought cos it was during first lockdown stage I felt maybe I was entertainment for her ...

Anyway things did seem to be going really good, however I do have major trust issues cos of how people end things with me, have used me or cheated on me in the past, and due to her messing up in the past I still had a trust issue there....

So it got to point where I was questioning her most of the time and even started getting jealous when she was always with a particular friend who she spoke about constantly to me over the phone....I know I was a bit OTT...

Anyway it got to point she got really mad with me and says she feels like she can't do anything right and she always feels guilty when she's done nothing wrong.

So I said I will work on myself and change, the next morning I got a strong gut feeling she had been back on a dating app she used where she had met me, so I installed it and when I logged in her profile came up straight away .... I found that she was online that morning and she had uploaded new photos....photos she had sent to me 2 months into being back together.

So I asked why are you still on that dating app, she then turned it round on me saying she wanted to see if I'd check and now she knows I won't change, so I said to her it's a cruel test to do considering my trust issues anyway and if it was a test then why upload new photos??? She also said she logged in the night before to see so I said why were you online straight away when you woke up ... she never answered that one.

When I kept telling her to leave me alone she then changed her tune from being abrupt and nasty towards me to "we can work through this, everything will be OK. ..I only want you I don't want anyone else, if I did I could" ...

So I don't know what to do... was it a test or is she looking for someone better and just holding onto me until she does... her city is currently in lockdown where as mine isn't and we live a 2 hour train ride from one another, last time I saw her was a month ago with all this going on. 

Thank you. 

[d0nnivain]

You can't judge 1 person based on how somebody else treated you.  It's unfair.  Everybody should be assessed on their own merits.   If you assume your next GF will act like her or whoever else hurt you in the past you will never have a solid relationship with anybody.  

Two things scream at me that she's not mature enough to be in a relationship with now:  the fake FB profile to keep tabs on you  this sh*t test with the dating app.   Each of those alone would send me packing.  Both --- good riddance.  

Meanwhile you need to work on your trust issues.  On some level you are your own worst enemy.  You start out so convinced every relationship is going to end badly that you cause the drama.  

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Hoggy5221 said:

So I don't know what to do... was it a test or is she looking for someone better and just holding onto me until she does...

Okay, let's entertain for a few minutes the fairy-tale notion that it was a shyte test. It takes a twisted perspective of relationships to even conceive of doing such a thing. So, at best, you have yourself a manipulative relationship partner who will go out of her way to hurt you deeply and undermine the basis for trust in your relationship just to prove that she was right. The only correct response to that is to end the relationship.

Now let's return to real life... It wasn't a shyte test. You actually got concrete evidence that your GF was not invested in you or your relationship and was actively searching for someone new to monkey branch to. I suspect that's exactly what happened in the past when she disappeared on you. She moved on to someone new, then when that ran it's course, she ran back to you because, unfortunately, your arms seem to be perpetually open to her.

Even now, you say she jumped back into a new relationship with you immediately after ending a 2-year relationship. It fits the pattern. She's basically using relationships to fill a vacuum in her life. No wonder you thought (however briefly) that she was linking up with you to entertain herself during the lockdown period. You were essentially right, you know? That was your intuition talking.

Likewise, your intuition was talking when you developed the strong feeling that she was on the dating app. If there's anything you should take away from this experience, it's that you have a powerful sense of intuition and you need to listen to it more often, especially where this woman is concerned. Listening to your intuition means acting to protect yourself when the alarm bells ring so loudly: end the relationship. Don't engage in debates about what she said or did. Just end the relationship.

I have no idea whether she actually underwent therapy. If she did, it can't have been very successful because she spent two years stalking you online with a fake account. To me, that suggests she is highly manipulative and potentially controlling. And the evidence for that abounds, doesn't it? 

Regarding your trust issues, I think it's worthwhile asking whether the problem is actually that you're a lousy picker and you go out of your way to date women who are not trustworthy. If that's the case, then of course you're gonna second-guess these women and yourself every step of the way. To take responsibility for your part in things, you need to ask yourself why you keep making such choices. You should definitely consider individual counseling. And you should take a long break from dating too. It sounds like your self-esteem is shot (I say that because you caught her preparing to cheat and you don't have the confidence to accept what your own eyes are showing you), so you really are in no position to make good relationship choices.

Edited August 7, 2020 by Acacia98
Correcting a typo

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. On/off relationships are fraught with conflicts. Whatever issues there were are still unresolved.

Add to that long distance and a lack of trust. 

It would be best to end this once and for all. You're incompatible and there's too much bad blood.

Work on your own happiness and don't expect any revolving door GFs to fulfill you.

 No one used you. Just say no to all this soul draining drama.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sometimes things are too just toxic and broken to put back together again.

This is one of those times. 

You need to cut her off completely, for good.