compulsive or predatory flirting

[merrmeade]

Many of you know I've posted on this forum for a while. After discovering my husband's infidelity, I began to dig more deeply into the psychology behind his actions to understand. By understanding, I could not be gas lighted, and I recognized what was going on when he denied and minimized. It all is because of insecurity and inadequacy but not the kind that makes you sympathetic. In fact, his lack of awareness combined with arrogance makes it easier to be objective about his problem and not take it personally (I mean when I'm not picking up the pieces after an affair). He was terrible at marriage counseling - could not/would not/ did not know how to open up and be vulnerable (nevermind truthful) and trust a professional therapist. He knew what was expected of him, but even then could not let his guard down. It was one of my first eye-openers about his problems. 

Recently our neighbor and her husband sold their house and moved. Both my husband and I were friendly with them, but my husband and the wife talked far more. She's a nurse and helped once when my husband his head. I don't think her husband and I have ever exchanged more than five words. My husband advised about little things they had to fix in the house. He was also friends with her father. She's probably middle-aged; we're older, retired. I warned him a few months ago that I was uncomfortable with the level of friendliness between them. I got typical denial and irritation but didn't care. He got the message. When they left, they came over to say good-bye. We asked them to send us pictures. Tonight, my daughter was visiting and glanced at his phone while he was out of the room and asked me, "Who is [neighbor's name]?" I told her and said they'd moved. She asked why she was still texting. I tried to downplay and said because we asked them to send us pictures of their road trip - but later read the messages. There were a number of pictures of their road trip. Then I went back through the messages and found some flirting: About a month ago, he gave advice to solve some repair problem easily and she wrote back, "I would kiss you if it weren't for covid." He wrote back, "Sorry I didn't do it sooner but was waiting to make sure you were home in case I needed CPR. Just kidding. I hope it wasn't too expensive as all I was getting was a virtual kiss." She said something else, then he added that they could put on hazmat suits and share a hug. 

So f-king annoying these people, I thought. It's like compulsive flirting. wtf. He just HAS to do it back when a woman makes an opening? Now mind you, I am not posting this because I think he's going to have an affair again. He's too old and doesn't have the looks he used to (or teeth). One might think it's because it's because of aging, but nah. He's always done it. It's who he is. Before, however, I couldn't allow myself to acknowledge the sexual nature of his repartee, especially how they'd pointedly exclude me. Of course, as we know now, in some instances these indiscretions proceeded to outright infidelity. Anyway, because of all the history, I started searching and reading about compulsive flirting and - what do you know! - it's a sex addiction or can be! (It is.) One article called it predatory flirting. Yep. Here are the highlights of this type of behavior:

• making off color remarks more than other people     
• throwing out a lure while at the same time pretending that there is no such thing going on
• seemingly suggestive remarks or suggestive of something but hard to pin down 
•  a way to create a feeling of connection and private, personal intensity but without actual intention
• over-attentive or caring toward women or a woman to get the woman’s attention   
• gives running commentary on people’s looks, their age, their bodies    
• hooked on the rush of feeling liked and appreciated
• makes him feel attractive while being exploitative and insincere  
• deep insecurity and the fear of intimacy

Yep, yep and yep.

Obviously I have to sit him down - again - and have one of those unpleasant conversations. Has to be done.

The topic is compulsive flirting as a precursor to infidelity. 

[merrmeade]

We had the talk. Expected reaction but he did own it and agree it was out of line. Which changes little. Pathetic, boring  and apparently uninteresting 

[Wiseman2]

You seem quite contemptuous of each other. Do you want to stay married?

If so have you tried marriage therapy?

[elaine567]

Flirtatiousness is the number one personality trait that indicates a predisposition to cheating.
Flirting is about looking for validation that they are desirable, and it is about seeking out opportunity.
The buzz they get from flirting can then lead them to cheating.

"He/she flirts with everyone, it is harmless..." , is not a sensible assumption to make. 

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Flirtatiousness is the number one personality trait that indicates a predisposition to cheating.
Flirting is about looking for validation that they are desirable, and it is about seeking out opportunity.
The buzz they get from flirting can then lead them to cheating.

"He/she flirts with everyone, it is harmless..." , is not a sensible assumption to make. 

^^this

[basil67]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Flirtatiousness is the number one personality trait that indicates a predisposition to cheating.
Flirting is about looking for validation that they are desirable, and it is about seeking out opportunity.
The buzz they get from flirting can then lead them to cheating.

"He/she flirts with everyone, it is harmless..." , is not a sensible assumption to make. 

This was me as a young women.   Stopping both flirting and close friendships with the opposite sex was the key to sorting myself out.  

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/7/2020 at 11:39 AM, merrmeade said:

Obviously I have to sit him down - again - and have one of those unpleasant conversations. Has to be done.

Do you sincerely believe it's going to change anything?