Additional, Helpful Details

[Kiz]

Prior to this relationship, I was in an extemely abusive relationship and as a result, I have spent the last two years working in intensive therapy on liking and respecting myself. After my relationship ended, I was terrified of men and really thought there was something wrong with me.

 

Fortunately, I had supportive friends/family/and medical personnel who helped me realize that I was worthy. Or so I thought.

 

My guy's former flame is engaged to be married in a year;however, she emails and calls my guy to update him on the wedding plans, ask for his advice, etc. In the past, she's talked to him about her sex life (the fact that when she was 25, she slept with two women at one time, what she calls her "lesbian phase"); her AIDS scare; the sterility problems of her fiance.

 

Granted, she talks about this with other people as well, but now that my guy and I have decided to see each other exclusively and "build a relationship", I am very threatened by this person.

 

This bugs the bejeebers out of me;actually, it pisses me off. I'm terrified he will go back to her. In my mind, she has no morals, no boundaries, etc. To me, anyone who will sleep with TWO other people at once, regardless of gender, could give a damn about my relationship.

 

My guy tells me I'm over reacting. That he was with her when he was 18 and the best thing about her was that she wanted to have sex. He swears that HE doesn't think of her as anything more than a friend. But, having been beaten up by my ex, having his lover call me to tell my how horrible I was in bed, etc, I have a hard time trusting my new guy. I guess all of that therapy didn't help?

 

He refuses to modify his relationship with her and tells me that I AM the most important woman in his romantic life; but I can't help being very hurt by his sharing of "intimate" details with this person. My guy consented to go to therapy with me and is tryng to be helpful, but he insists that I have to accept the relationship as is or else we can never be healthy.

 

I just want to know why I'm not enough for him? What does he get from hearing all of this intimate stuff from her? He tells me that if my relationships hadn't been so bad, I would understand that his staying friends with his former lovers is healthy. But I tell him that maybe is says more about his inability to let go.

 

This is our ONLY problem, but it's tearing me apart and may kill this relationship.

[Buckeyegal]

Sweetheart, first of all, you ask why you're not enough for him...it's a romantic myth that any one person can be EVERYTHING to another, it's also unhealthy. We all need outside interests and friends aside from our loved one, to grow and thrive. That doesn't mean that he loves you any less. You say that SHE calls him, SHE emails him to tell him about intimate things, it didn't sound as though he goes running to her to confide in, right? You have to accept that your boyfriend has a past, we all do and as long as he's being open and honest about it, and is just a platonic friend to this girl, I wouldn't worry about it. As far as not trusting this girl or her motivations for confiding in your boyfriend, again don't drive yourself crazy thinking about it, you can't control what other people do...ultimatetly it's your boyfriend that you have to trust in, if you can't do that, then the relationship is doomed to fail. He's telling you that you're the only woman he wants romantically, and it's a good sign that he's willing to discuss this with you and join you in therapy. I've had some bad experiences in my past as well, and I understand your difficulty with trust issues, it's tough I know. But you have to try to let your past go, don't let it strangle your future. Keep up with the therapy, and remember you can't control others actions, all you can do is love yourself, be at peace with yourself, don't tear yourself needlessly up...it's hard to enjoy life, living like that.