Over 4 months post break up and am feeling worse

[Uptown182]

So my ex basically broke up with me/disappeared a little over 4 months ago.  Initially I was heart broken, in shock, depressed all the normal things associated with a breakup.  By June I’d say I felt like I was on the mend, I still missed him and thought about him a lot but I felt like I was making strides and moving on.  However by mid July I went back to square one and haven’t been able to get out of it.  I try to keep myself busy with work, see my friends as much as I can, even went on a few dates but nothing helps.  It’s like when I do these things I feel like I’m not really present most of the time (other than work stuff).  I even did a beautiful staycation at a hotel in the area with one of my close friends, had a really nice time but it still wasn’t the same, and when I got home last night I again got that pit on my stomach and was missing and thinking about him.  At times it just overwhelms me and I don’t know what to do, I’m even ashamed to say that I get moments where I just want him back which is crazy!  He did text me in the beginning of July and I never responded and then a few weeks later I had seen that he updated his pics on the dating app we met on so that may have triggered this but I don’t know, I still thought I’d be doing way better by now!  I know a big part of it is how he went about it without really giving me much of an explanation and just disappearing.  I never chased or texted him, went right into NC and that’s where I stayed.  However looking back on it now I start thinking maybe I would’ve been better off if I had contacted him in those early days and asked for an explanation.  Just a vent I guess, but any advice on how to feel better would also be greatly appreciated.

Edited August 7, 2020 by Uptown182

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

 However by mid July I went back to square one and haven’t been able to get out of it.  He did text me in the beginning of July and I never responded and then a few weeks later I had seen that he updated his pics on the dating app we met on so that may have triggered this but I don’t know

Sorry to hear this. It may be best to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media, messaging apps, devices and contact lists. This way unwelcome intrusions on your healing and peace won't happen.

Edited August 7, 2020 by Wiseman2

[kendahke]

There's a saying: "it's always darkest before the dawn".

Your psyche, more than likely, is on its last leg of throwing out the old memories and cutting the ties that bind.  It sometimes gets really rough right before your emotions are finally done. 

Trust the process.

[kendahke]

26 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

 However looking back on it now I start thinking maybe I would’ve been better off if I had contacted him in those early days and asked for an explanation.

Do you think it would have made you feel better about being dumped? And would he have given you the honest answer?

I think how you handled this was in your best interests.

[Uptown182]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. It may be best to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media, messaging apps, devices and contact lists. This way unwelcome intrusions on your healing and peace won't happen.

I am not friends with any of the people in his life on social media or in any other capacity.  As far as seeing him on the dating app, that’s out of my control.  I only saw him because he came up in my queue but I don’t know that there’s a way to block him on there, either way I swiped left so doubt I’ll see him on there again.  I have not blocked his number but other than that one time he hasn’t reached out to me again so I’m not really concerned with that.

[Uptown182]

30 minutes ago, kendahke said:

There's a saying: "it's always darkest before the dawn".

Your psyche, more than likely, is on its last leg of throwing out the old memories and cutting the ties that bind.  It sometimes gets really rough right before your emotions are finally done. 

Trust the process.

Thank you, yes I’ve heard this before.  I guess what scares me is when I hear people still saying they miss someone like crazy a year after a breakup.  So I’m hoping you’re right.

[Uptown182]

29 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Do you think it would have made you feel better about being dumped? And would he have given you the honest answer?

I think how you handled this was in your best interests.

I don’t know the answer to any of those questions.  In the moment it might’ve made me feel worse but sometimes I think maybe had I gotten a concrete answer from him (which I agree was highly unlikely) I may have been better off now.  I also think what bothers me is that he’s probably dating someone new by now and I’m still here being an emotional wreck thanks to him. 

[kendahke]

I went through this with my ex... right before I was well and truly emotionally done with him (after a 13 yr relationship), I went through a whole lot of "what ifs" and missing him, etc., before indifference finally settle in.

[TeddyBundy1993]

I believe you didnt get a closure. And on the other hand 4 months may not be enough to heal.  But atleast you are trying and thats what matters. Your ex has a different life now and sure he will be dating someone in future. You will too!. But before heal and accept what has happened has happened for the best. Life is not over, and you get the chance again. For now learn from what went wrong and deal with your feelings. You are a human so it's also ok to be sad sometimes as you have lost something precious.  But treat it as a part of life. With time you gonna heal, also you'll understand what happened was inevitable and happened for good. Rest keep doing what you doing.  Keep self worth and self respect high protect your feelings from what you think can harm you.  As said above get rid of his social media if it triggers negative feeling. You'll be fine slowly.  It takes time and such roller coaster of sadness and missing your ex is natural for some time. Stay positive.  Good luck 

[Uptown182]

3 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

I believe you didnt get a closure. And on the other hand 4 months may not be enough to heal.  But atleast you are trying and thats what matters. Your ex has a different life now and sure he will be dating someone in future. You will too!. But before heal and accept what has happened has happened for the best. Life is not over, and you get the chance again. For now learn from what went wrong and deal with your feelings. You are a human so it's also ok to be sad sometimes as you have lost something precious.  But treat it as a part of life. With time you gonna heal, also you'll understand what happened was inevitable and happened for good. Rest keep doing what you doing.  Keep self worth and self respect high protect your feelings from what you think can harm you.  As said above get rid of his social media if it triggers negative feeling. You'll be fine slowly.  It takes time and such roller coaster of sadness and missing your ex is natural for some time. Stay positive.  Good luck 

Yes I agree, I didn’t get closure.  I was always of the belief that closure was something you gave yourself, but now I don’t know.  I don’t think if he had told me why it would’ve made it easier at the time, but perhaps months later it would have.  Plus I always thought if he’d ever reach out to me he’d give me the reason, but all he said was that he was very very sorry without giving an explanation.

Edited August 7, 2020 by Uptown182

[Sinful]

5 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

I don’t know the answer to any of those questions.  In the moment it might’ve made me feel worse but sometimes I think maybe had I gotten a concrete answer from him (which I agree was highly unlikely) I may have been better off now.  I also think what bothers me is that he’s probably dating someone new by now and I’m still here being an emotional wreck thanks to him. 

Ultimately you just have to let it all go and move on with your life. Until you're able to go through your emotions and get to that point you'll never really get passed the breakup. I know for me I had a lot of pent up anger and resentment towards my ex, and rightfully so for what she did to me. But eventually I had to come to the realization that by holding that anger and resentment towards her, I was only torturing and hurting myself more. When you finally get to the point where you can just let it all go... and that's not to say that you justify what he did. You're not saying what he did was OK, cause it wasn't. But I describe it as like being in a cold war with that person. What are you fighting a war for with someone who could obviously care less, and will ultimately have little to no effect on them or their daily life? That internal war we go through is stressful and toxic. It's unhealthy. When you can finally come to terms with things and put an end to the war, then you can truly heal and move on with your life. 

Hurt people, hurt people. I'm not a religious person, but all you can do is pray for them and move on. 

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, Sinful said:

Ultimately you just have to let it all go and move on with your life. Until you're able to go through your emotions and get to that point you'll never really get passed the breakup. I know for me I had a lot of pent up anger and resentment towards my ex, and rightfully so for what she did to me. But eventually I had to come to the realization that by holding that anger and resentment towards her, I was only torturing and hurting myself more. When you finally get to the point where you can just let it all go... and that's not to say that you justify what he did. You're not saying what he did was OK, cause it wasn't. But I describe it as like being in a cold war with that person. What are you fighting a war for with someone who could obviously care less, and will ultimately have little to no effect on them or their daily life? That internal war we go through is stressful and toxic. It's unhealthy. When you can finally come to terms with things and put an end to the war, then you can truly heal and move on with your life. 

Hurt people, hurt people. I'm not a religious person, but all you can do is pray for them and move on. 

I don’t even feel like I’m angry at him anymore and I’m not trying to be in a war with him or play some game with him, that’s over.  I’m still hurt by what he did, and I think I will be for a while.  I am trying to move on, but I guess it’s just easier said than done.  I think this pandemic isn’t making matters easier either.  Ultimately if there was some magic pill I could take or something I could do that would make me move on I’d do it in a heart beat, but I guess I just have to ride this out.  

[TeddyBundy1993]

16 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

 I don’t think if he had told me why it would’ve made it easier at the time, but perhaps months later it would have.  Plus I always thought if he’d ever reach out to me he’d give me the reason, but all he said was that he was very very sorry without giving an explanation.

You need to stop thinking what he did and why. It's not good for yourself to read his head and anticipate his move. He seems to be over you.  Although giving no explanation is mean. You are right closure comes from within, when your own heart understands that it wasnt mean to be no matter what he said and what explanation he gives or doesnt. He left, moved on and you should do the same. Slowly you'll be out of it I promise you.  It's a rough patch almost every dumped person goes through. Everything changes,  the way you feel will change too after a while.