Is this just a me problem?

[Kiwifroot]

I have been married for almost 2 years now but I have been with my husband for 8 years in total. I feel like we are still getting in the same fights since we’ve been getting from near the beginning of our relationship. We are very different people. I like doing things and having plans for things, especially big events. I like preparing gifts or food or events for birthdays and holidays. My husband is the opposite. He doesn’t care about holidays, let alone having a plan for one. He likes doing fun things by himself and does not consider asking me to join him or create things to do for us together. 

In the beginning of our relationship, I realized he had no plans for us for Christmas holiday or even a gift. He hardly even mentioned Christmas. I got him a small gift because I wasn’t sure if we were doing gift exchanges. But it became all too apparent that even if I expressed to him that I’d like to celebrate holidays together, this meant I would have to plan and surprise him. He didn’t even think about gifts until I told him I would like to receive one too once in awhile. And none of this stems from trauma related to holidays btw. He was the only child and had parents give and do everything for him. I think he is used to this..

Fast forward a few years and I’ve had enough. From anniversaries to birthdays to even what to eat for dinner, he almost never had input. If I didn’t bring up the idea of gift lists, forget having a gift for my birthday. He even forgot my birthday once because he was busy playing games. And if I don’t make dinner or request we eat out, we aren’t eating. Unless I take initiative, NOTHING happens. I once read similar articles and forums that said maybe I am too controlling and to relinquish control and just leave things up to him. That resulted in every day being the same and him being more than happy about it. No holidays no plans no food. Well, the food part he eventually started making ramen noodles all the time and that’s when I had to draw the line. 

We eventually had a discussion and I told him that I don’t feel cared for and that I wished he could have more input so I could feel less stressed. He told me that he does not feel stressed about it and that he doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal. I told him that I can just live the way he is comfortable with when it is making me so uncomfortable, esp when he makes no effort to accommodate me. I told him even flowers or chocolate on a whim would be nice and he told me those things are a waste of money. I was shocked. I asked him why he couldn’t do that for me if it would make me happy, and he told me it’d make him unhappy. 

So for the majority of our relationship I’ve just let him have his way but pointed out when I felt he wasn’t thinking about me in the things he did. He would apologize, but after a few weeks he’s back to thinking of always him first and not of us or me. I am honestly growing frustrated at advice of people telling me that I can only change myself and not him. Haven’t I been changing myself to accommodate to him? When does he need to start putting in effort to accommodate me? Am I asking for too much? 

[Wiseman2]

You need to pull back. Do not make food, plan, household stuff for him. If he wants to live like a bachelor or spoiled child, let him. Sadly he is not mature enough to act like a partner or part of a family, except in a child role where Santa, the Easter bunny and his mom and dad do everything for him.  He is very disrespectful and harmful to your psyche and happiness. Consider divorce before  you sentence yourself to a lifetime of being someone this self-centered. Is he pathologically cheap in other ways? 

[introverted1]

Was your husband different for the 6 years before you got married?

[Kiwifroot]

To be honest, he is really nice otherwise. He says loving things to me and is kind. He’s just so dense. He is sad and shows remorse once I voice out my concerns, but he still does the same things he know will upset me. I’ve even asked him to reconsider doing some activity with his friends because he had promised he would spend time with me. And he nonchalantly chose to do what was more fun for him, which resulted in me spending an evening alone thay I carved out time to give my full attention to him. 

He has been the same way since we got together. But I think I was blindsided by all of the nice things he would say and the verbal love and loyalty he showed me. He always promised to do things differently and think of me in his actions too, and I really wanted to believe him but he always reverts to putting me last in his priority list. Like I’m a chore. 

I’ve spent too many years thinking that I’m overthinking and just being a nag, but I think some things are not worth brushing under the rug? And now that I’m typing out this reply, I think I’ve been a fool to believe in words and not his actions  The sadder part is that I really think he does mean those things and apologies, but I don’t know why he still puts me on the back burner when I know he doesn’t want to lose me either...?

[d0nnivain]

You are asking for too much.  You want him to be like you.  He's not.  Learn to accept the way he does express his love & concern for you.  

My husband is like your husband.  I plan.  He tags along.  If I try to get him to plan, I end up being annoyed because it usually wasn't a well thought out plan.  It's easier for me to plan.   

His father is the same way.  Early on my step-MIL told me to never give him unlimited options; instead make everything multiple choice.  Never ask "what do you want for dinner?"  Instead ask "do you want steak or chicken?"  When I followed her advice there was peace in the kingdom.    

For holidays I remind DH in advance.  Because I still want somewhat of a surprise, we exchange wish lists.  I give him a list of 5-10 things I would like to receive including sizes & colors.  I now give him links because the 1st list he gave had links.  The happy sigh of relief I got from him when I gave the links was palpable.  He's gotten better after 12 years of marriage so now I can say I want earrings without having to actually pick out the specific pair myself & there have been a few happy surprises but that is not the norm.  The norm is closer to what you are going through. 

Our compromise is that he is exclusively in charge of planning the anniversary dates. We celebrate the anniversary of our 1st date & our wedding date.   I figure 2x per year won't overly tax him but I do give him 30+ days notice that they are coming up.  This year with Covid he really stepped up to the plate.  We went out for ice cream to a place we frequented while we were dating but hadn't made it back there in years. 

You also have to be specific & can't assume he knows how or wants to do it your way.  My "thing" was I liked cards for occasions.  He thought there were frivolous & didn't get me one.  I got upset.  We talked about.  He still finds it silly but because it's important to me, I now get a card.  He view point didn't change but his actions did because I spoke up & laid out my specific request. 

There is hope for your guy.  Don't give up on him or your marriage.   I hope our solution gets you closer something that will work in your marriage.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Don't play games like pulling back. You knew he was like this from the very beginning. Either accept him as is or leave. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Kiwifroot said:

 he nonchalantly chose to do what was more fun for him

He always promised to do things differently and think of me in his actions too, and I really wanted to believe him but he always reverts to putting me last in his priority list. Like I’m a chore. 

 I’ve been a fool to believe in words and not his actions  

It sounds like he is good at lip service. Google "passive aggressive". In a nutshell is is surface compliance with a completely different agenda underneath. This is why you need actions not word to combat this.

[introverted1]

18 hours ago, Kiwifroot said:

He has been the same way since we got together.

You dated for 6 years before marrying him and you had a clear insight into who he is and how he is.  If you want to change the rules of engagement now, it's going to be difficult.  Read @d0nnivain's post again as she has good insights.  It's naive to think that others just know what we like or, even if they do "know," that they understand how to translate that knowing into action. You might even want to look into couples counseling to help you both communicate what you want out of the relationship; don't assume he's any happier than you are.

[elaine567]

I guess he is literally not an "idiot", so I presume he knows full well what you want, yet he simply doesn't want to give it to you, so he chooses what he wants to do instead, even when he knows it upsets you...
 Some men are often pretty good at this game...
They profess ignorance and get their own way.
Women try to bend over backwards and "spell it out" as if he is 5 years old, but all usually to no avail because HE has no intention of playing that game when he is more interested in playing HIS game to get his own way.
You are trying to be priority #1 to him when the fact is you are way down that list.
You come below himself, below his friends and below "fun"...
You think you are a chore to him and you would be correct...
He tells you what you want to hear and then he goes off and does the opposite, if what you want doesn't suit him.
You are bashing your head up against a brick wall.
Waste of your time, waste of a life.

[Crazelnut]

I totally agree with elaine567. Quite simply, he doesn't care what you want. He always does what HE wants.  Can you live with that? 

[ExpatInItaly]

If nothing changes, can you live for another 10 years this way? 

[kismetkismet]

I think you just need to ask yourself whether you want to live this way for the rest of your life. He's had more than enough chances to change his behaviour, you've communicated to him exactly what you need and why, and he actively CHOOSES not to do those things. 

Not being big on holidays isn't the problem here, the problem is that he doesn't think of you and your needs. It doesn't occur to him, "Oh, Christmas is coming up and the person I love loves Christmas so I should get them a gift." Or simply remembering that he has plans with you and taking the time to spend quality time with you.. Now, if you were expecting him to organize a grand extended family Christmas dinner, that would be a bit much. But asking for his acknowledgement, his input on the relationship, and his time is the bare minimum. 

He is good at telling you what you want to hear. But really, how much effort does that take? To say I love you and I'm sorry. An apology without change is just manipulation.

[OrbitalKat]

I also think you're asking for too much and you basically ask him to change his personality. I disagree with posters that say that he's doing this maliciously or whatever. You have to remember that people never change their core personality. They will make temporary changes and then resort to what's most natural to them. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If you divorce him, I guarantee you'll meet someone who will have other issues, maybe worse.

I think you should work on yourself on accepting him the way he is and let go of the script that is in your head about how things should be. I know it is hard. Distance yourself a little fro the problem. These are not big issues, in my opinion they are rather minor. 

[usa1ah]

Still having a hard time understanding why you married him if he has ALWAYS be this way?!?!?!?!

 

This is who he is, some men are like this as the old cliché says. Some men remember everything and enjoy the planning also. 
 

The thing is this, you knew full well that your husband is this way. If you thought you could change this behavior, you were wrong. He has to be the one to change this. Him not changing this knowing how important it is to you speaks volumes. He can’t even put reminders on his phone to help him remember. He doesn’t plan things to do with you. He is acting as though he is still single and you have taken the place of his mom cleaning up after him and cooking his meals. Shame on his parents for never having him do chores. We taught our kids to do their own laundry when they turned 12. They started helping with dishes at 6 or 7. All three know how to cook and clean ( 1 daughter 2 sons ).
 

You have to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.