It's been 9 months since D day but the betrayal lasted for five years and the pain is still strong as ever

[Shay0104]

I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and I never expected nor saw any of this coming. He would always tell me how happy he was and that he couldn’t picture his life without me. I felt the same. He is the only person in the world that knows all of me. He would express his strong dislike of social media and never saw the reason be apart of it. He would say that a lot of woman are on there looking for the wrong attention. This feeling was expressed by him on multiple occasions. I even deleted my social media early on in our relationship out of respect for him because he did not want men reaching out to me even though I never responded. He started show jealous and insecure Tendencies and I for the life of me could never understand why because I never would never disrespect or make him feel like he was never enough. I even worked from home at one point  because of his paranoia. He would accuse me of checking out men if we were looking at a show or movie. It was ridiculous but I tried to look past it.

 

Then months ago I discovered his secret Instagram page. A page where he followed nothing but half naked women and engaged in sexual conversations. He also sent pictures of his self. He told me that he only made the page 2 months ago and he barely got on it but it showed he had the page for well over 1 year and he logged in everyday following endless amounts of women. I couldn’t believe the person saying those things on that page was my husband. He tried to downplay what he was doing by saying he doesn’t know any of the women and it’s not like he was connecting with women he knew from his past on Facebook and that he would never have a fb page. Then a few days later I found his secret fb page.

 

I found out he was looking up women he slept with from his past and was even talking to a women he use to sleep with before we got married. He had been talking to this particular woman for almost 5 years. She knew about me but that didn’t stop them from exchanging I love you messages, having sexual conversations and discussing where to meet up. My heart sunk when I discovered this and every since then I have been going through a rotation of different emotions. There was a lump feeling in my throat that just didn’t  seem to want to go away. When I first found out I was all over the place, one minute I was in a rage and the next I was extremely sad and sometimes I felt blank. I still feel blank some days.

 

He told me that he never slept with the woman he was conversing with for five years and that he did it because of his “insecurities”. I believe he slept with her and if anyone else read what I discovered, they would too. However even 9 months later still  he adamantly claims he never slept with her and would of never took it that far. rHe also said he never loved her and was just saying that to “mess with her head”. He said he cares nothing about her but how can you talk to someone you care nothing about for almost five years? He went out of his way to keep in touch with her even when he moved. We had sex almost everyday at one point in our marriage but our sex life slowed down just a little because of our new jobs. He said he only did all of these things because he wanted to have sex with me more and was just acting out. He also said he thought I was hiding something in my phone even though he had no proof!!!  I believe he was making that up in his head so he could feel better about what he was doing. He could of easily sat down and told me how he felt but he didn’t even try. I would of been willing to do whatever to reconnect more intimately because that is something that is important to me as well. I found phone numbers from random women and a secret phone. He admitted that he got the phone numbers but never intended to call them. I don’t believe that one bit.

He has deleted everything and cut everything off supposedly. He has literally begged me to stay and said the thought of me being with another man kills him and that he is going to fight for our marriage. He has expressed that he is ashamed of what he did and that is still very sexually attracted to me. He said he refuses to throw away everything we built together. I feel like the person I thought I married is someone else and I can’t believe anything he says. He lied to me through the whole discovery phase and trickled the truth. He was my best friend I truly trusted him 100%. Yes it’s been 9 months since The first discovery but he lived a secret life for 5 years. He tells me that I am crazy for being so upset about this and I need to accept it, trust him again because he “promised it will never happen again” and move on. He just wants me to shut up about it. I’m trying my best to move on but it’s so very hard. The pain never seems to be getting better.  He tells me I better not be talking to or flirting with any men behind his back or doing anything similar that he did to me almost everyday. He continues to downplay what he did and tries to compare our situation to others who he thinks is dealing with something worse.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I love him so much but this pain is still eating away at me. He says he is ok with therapy but he never follows through with me. I don’t want to be bitter or continue to throw what he did up in his face. I’m just broken and exhausted. Some days I want to fight and some days I just want to walk away. I feel stuck, hurt, and confused. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I don’t feel beautiful anymore. I use to be secure in myself but that feeling is long gone. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How did you discover this? It would be best to get to your doctor for STD testing and frank conversations. Often what you uncover in these cases is the tip of the iceberg.

You also need to ask the doctor for a referral to a therapist. Go privately, alone and confidentially. Do not tell him. You need  professional and objective. someone to unpack all this with and cut through the gas-lighting and lies

He is not who you thought he was. He is living a double life. This is his issue (and no not "insecurities) and has nothing to do with you. Denial will be potent in this case because the cognitive dissonance is intense in cases like this.

[schlumpy]

Assume the worst and I see you already have. Smart on your part.

He is not material for reconciliation. There is no remorse only remorse for getting caught. He wants to rug sweep.

Do not offer him R. He has to earn that right.

Get him in individual therapy for himself because until he accepts the blame and takes responsibility for what he did, he will not be able to help you heal.

You did nothing wrong. He chose to cheat. He broke the marriage.  He has to do the heavy lifting. It's up to him to fix it.

Wait until his therapist gives you a green light for MC.

Until then keep divorce on the table because it's your leverage if you want to stay in this marriage.

This could take a long time and nothing will be the same.

Sorry.

[mark clemson]

So, his worries about you communicating with other men are clearly projection.

To me, he sounds like he has significant narcissistic tendencies (although that's by no means a diagnosis).

I would wonder what's on that 2nd phone. Did you ever get the chance to take a look? I'm going to guess you couldn't bear to.

For females, I understand that many times, the "emotional" betrayal hurts as much as a physical one, so yes he's most definitely rug-sweeping that.

Many people question whether sex addiction is real, and they have a point. However, in his case I think some substantial portion of this isn't about either you or these other women, it's about dopamine. The extent of this sounds to me like he's "hooked" on the dopamine hit from his communications (many of which are probably superficial and transitory, but some clearly weren't). That also plays into his "need" to maintain what is no doubt an unhappy marriage for both of you these days. When you pull away, his dopamine levels drop, so he "chases" you, in part, to restore them. Although it may sound weird, I strongly suspect some large component of all this could be viewed as "dopamine-level management" on his part.

Possibly some perspective on the neuropsychology of this would help him get past it. Possibly meta-cognition would just make him more inclined to leave the marriage and continue "using" and discarding attention from women for the dopamine rush. Possibly, at this point, that wouldn't be such a great loss from your perspective.

IMO the bottom line is he's in no way marriage material unfortunately without some substantial reworking of his whole personal psychology. I'm sure that's not news to you at this point, but perhaps some of the above helps give some perspective on all of this. There are other ways to "get dopamine" such as personal success, e.g. at work or via athleticism, and there are other strategies for being content in life. Whether he's interested in pursuing any of them is a significant question. Whether you're willing to take the risk of spending probably years of your life in continued unhappiness on the gamble of letting him try to change is of course up to you.

[BaileyB]

I would walk away.

This man has a serious problem. He is a serial cheat, and the volume and the very nature of the activity scares me. I would never trust him again.

I’m so very sorry.

Edited August 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. This is awful. 

I don't think this is a marriage worth saving. No way would I not divorce someone this dishonest, disrespectful and deceptive. You have never really known him. 

[understand50]

Shay,

One of the hardest things is to come to terms with that facts of what happened.  You also need to keep in mind, that in most cases, the real truth is much worse.  You need to operate from the position, that the worst happened.  It was physical, he is just not telling you the whole truth and trying his best to minimize what really happened.  This is the mental position you should hold.  You know what happened, and then you add what you have good reason to think happened.  I would sit him down and tell him, OK, this is what I know, this is what I think happen knowing you and what you are capable of doing.   Once you have this clear, you can then make decisions on your marriage and life.  I know you are getting the divorce dance right now.  (you should divorce, did you think of divorce? and so on).  My opinion, and for what it is worth, is that you need to think things though and decide what is in your best interest.  Take some time.  Know what decision you are making is what you really want and not what you think society or others may want for you. Let him know that the marriage is in real danger. How he reacts will tell you a lot about him. 

Reconciliation can work out. You will never forget what he did, but you can forgive.  Yes, you marriage and relationship is changed.  You now see him as a flawed individual.  You see him as he always was.   Weather you can live with and love this person is your next question.

I wish you luck.

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Personally I would not reconcile. You have a whole parade of flags here, not the least of which is his insensitivity to the pain he's caused you. This is a hard NO to moving forward with him. And his comments about you better not being doing anything with (an)other man? Wow!

Not only does he have no empathy for you, but he's clearly setting out your second class (or worse) position in this relationship: he can do as he likes and you're supposed to push down your feelings of shock and betrayal, pretending everything is glorious while he tramples all over you and your marriage, but oh don't you dare think for a second about testing the waters with another man! Whoa! So he can go full tilt into cheater land, you are expected to be 100% compliant with that, but he doesn't want you to even think about the possibility of someone else? So gross.

Sounds like he sees you as his property more than his life partner. You are in shock, no doubt. You are married to a grade A a-hole. I'm sorry you've been so deeply deceived and betrayed. I hope you will get some individual counseling to help you process what's happened and happening here. 

Trust yourself and take care of yourself. This is a massive level of betrayal and it's going to take you probably years to move through this. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. And he doesn't deserve you!

[Wade Lamare]

On 8/7/2020 at 8:27 PM, Shay0104 said:

 

I don’t know what to do at this point. 

Well my recommendations are;

1. Go see a lawyer and find out what your options are. You don't need to jump straight into divorce but you need to, as the saying goes, 'get your ducks in a row'. Many lawyers offer a free, short, initial consultation where they can lay out the probable path any proceedings will take.

2. Make an appointment with a doctor and get checked for STDs. Also make sure your husband gets checked too. There are some pretty nasty STDs out there and affair partners very rarely practise safe sex.

3. Mention to the doctor that you are having difficulties dealing with this and that you are, as you mentioned, 'broken and exhausted'. The doctor may be able to prescribe some temporary medication to help you.

4. Armed with the advice of the lawyer (or lawyers as you may want to consult two or three different lawyers) and with the possible help of the doctor take a step back and take a little time to make an initial decision on what you want to do. Your aim is to get out of infidelity. Realistically there are only two ultimate options, reconciliation or divorce.

You don't mention children, are there any in the marriage?

There is an old saying that sometimes "To save a marriage, you have to be prepared to lose the marriage." Your husband will do nothing while he thinks he's got you under his thumb and dancing to his tune. Destroy his self centred little world by pursuing your chosen path with confidence and single mindedness. I don't think anything will happen while he calls all the shots. You may not feel confident enough to pull this off but 'fake it till you make it.'

Living like this is no life, you need to do something as he isn't going to do anything while he's got you so cowed. Constantly feeling like this is not going to do your mental or physical health any good.

Given his attitude I highly suspect he is still up to something, especially considering his burner phone.

Edited August 24, 2020 by Wade Lamare
Formatting.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I just came back to add:

Try to be hypervigilant with your nutrition. The amount of stress from this to your mind and body is overwhelming. Your adrenals can be overtaxed which can lead to significant health issues. Other parts of your body will be responding to this ongoing elevated stress, too. Your immune system will suffer. Give your body plenty of what it needs to protect itself from disease. Nutrition, exercise, meditation, prayer... focus on caring for yourself in this difficult time!