Social anxiety around my own friends

[moff_1993]

I know this is odd, because the very word 'friend' suggests enjoying and wanting to spend time with you, but I have such profound social anxiety and low self-esteem that I cannot work up the nerve to ask my 'friends' to hang out or do anything. As such, friendships I do form fade. I also struggle with even maintaining basic contact with them for fear of rejection. For example, my mobile phone recently broke and I had to get a new one, though all of my old contacts were lost and could not be transferred over. It is virtually impossible to consider saying something along the lines of: 'Hey, my old phone broke and I lost your number. Mind if I plug it in to my new phone?' 

This is not meant to be a pity party, but I do wish I could learn to like myself a little better. After all, it's hard to be a good friend/boyfriend/etc. to someone else when you don't even like yourself. And yet, whenever I try to maintain the friendships I do make, I find myself plagued by thoughts of:

1. 'I can't ask them to do [activity], they probably know far more interesting people than me, so they'll most likely say no.'

2. 'Being rejected is so humiliating, I'm better off playing it safe and hoping they make the first move.'

3. 'I can't consider texting them, they probably think I'm boring. I'll just leave it.'

You get the idea. As you can see, the common theme here is a lot of self-criticism and petty worries that get in the way of being a normal, well-adjusted person. And these negative thoughts become self-fulfilling, as, like I have said, friendships invariably fail unless both sides make an active effort to keep them going, which I clearly do not.

And even though people have told me I'm 'funny,' and 'cool,' I simply don't believe it, and believe I am largely a dead weight on the people around me. How can I overcome the fear of rejection and maintain my friendships? 

Edited August 8, 2020 by moff_1993

[d0nnivain]

You need to take steps to improve your self esteem & self confidence.  If you are not ready for therapy, at least read some self help books on the subjects

[Wiseman2]

Only a doctor and therapist can help you with this. You need an evaluation, possibly medical treatment as well as follow up therapy with a qualified licensed psychologist.

[ShyViolet]

This problem is severe enough that you should definitely go to therapy.   We can't really give you much advice besides that.

[MK2020]

How old are you?  Maybe find a hobby.  Go work out, start hiking, or start building things. Friendship is not just about you listening to other people about their interests.  It is also about finding friends who share similar interest with you.   Once you find you have a lot in common with your friends it will not be hard for you to relate to them.  Get excited about your life.  Also friends come and go.  You got nothing to lose by changing your mentality.  Be yourself.  If people do not like who you are they will leave anyway so you got nothing to lose. Also if you do not share yourself with others they will never know who you are. You have a lot to offer.  Don’t sell yourself short.  Take chances.  Get out of your comfort zone and learn from failures. I wish you the best of luck! 

[FMW]

The guy I'm seeing suffers from social anxiety.  He's a musician with a busy performing schedule, is always "on" on stage, very popular, only people very close to him know about the anxiety issue.  He's on medication which keeps it under control, but still has times when he just wants to get away from all the interaction and conversation.  He has a small group of people, thankfully including me, that he enjoys being with. But it's because he knows we all understand and love him just as he is so he can relax with us and doesn't have to worry that we're going to judge what he says or does.  I was amazed to learn of the insecurities that his social anxiety bring about, everyone thinks he's a great guy and seeks out his company.  

Similarly, your worries about what others are thinking about you likely have no basis in reality.  If you haven't, definitely talk to a therapist and see if your issues might be helped with medication.  Beyond that, as has already been suggested, start reaching out to others in small ways and see if you can build up your confidence and comfort level little by little.