Is it silly to feel absolutely outclassed by another guy?

[Peter1995]

Last year I was at a club where I spotted a cute girl, and I decided to try flirting with her. She seemed a bit hard to get at first, but she warmed up after about 10-15 minutes. However, right when I was starting to get along with her, another guy appeared, and he was probably about 6'10 and also very muscular in a proportional way - which was very different from me, since I am 6'0 and have a normal quite slim build - as well as having a very handsome face. And the moment he appeared, I noticed that the girl I was flirting with started eyeing him with great interest, and she actually seemed a little bit shocked by the sight of him. She eventually told me that she was just gonna ask someone something, then walked straight up to him and started flirting with him, even though she had been hard to get around me at first - and not only that, but he also had caught the attention of 3 other girls, and all of them, including the girl that I had been talking to, had immediately started to flirt with him a lot, and started thinking of excuses to get physical contact with him, such as asking if they could feel his arm muscles and asking him to lift them up and things like that. And the fact that he was significantly bigger and more powerful than me made me feel very intimidated by him, so I dared not try to compete with him, and left instead.

Also, his impressive physical size combined with his handsome face made him very attractive - like, very, VERY attractive. I have never felt that outclassed by another guy in my entire life, so it felt hopeless to try competing with him, even if I had dared to do that in the first place.

Is it weird to feel this way when someone who is overwhelmingly attractive shows up like this? Because I felt a bit silly for thinking this way when this happened, but I did feel that he was way too attractive to be a realistic competition, and I could certainly tell that from how those girls melted in front of him so easily.

I usually never feel threatened in the lloks department by other guys like this, but this guy was just too much - I felt very strongly that "no, I have no chance", and I felt that the fact that he had got 4 flirty admirers within seconds by just showing up whereas I had sort of got along with 1 of them after approaching her and making an effort to charm her said a lot. Sure, of course his physical size made a big impact on them at first, but they were definitely into him as well.

[Realitysux]

No and follow your gut because your gut is usually right. Had you had an emotional connection with the women, and this happened then it would have played out differently. What could you have done at that point if she went over to him, and since he had thee other women flirting with him, had he not chosen her and come back would you have wanted her? 

I met this guy, my gut told me that this man does not know you and therfor what he's doing isn't remotely real. I left and he hacked me and found out about me then stopped crushing on me. My gut was right! 

[Wiseman2]

Just forget about him. Talk and flirt with whoever you want and if they're rude, just move on.

[snowboy91]

It happens. There's always someone taller, better looking, etc than you. You just had some rotten luck that this particular guy was in that particular club on that particular night.

Attraction is subjective anyway, I would have just brushed it off and tried to find the next girl that (hopefully) thinks you're the attractive one. 

[Peter1995]

7 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

No and follow your gut because your gut is usually right. Had you had an emotional connection with the women, and this happened then it would have played out differently. What could you have done at that point if she went over to him, and since he had thee other women flirting with him, had he not chosen her and come back would you have wanted her? 

I met this guy, my gut told me that this man does not know you and therfor what he's doing isn't remotely real. I left and he hacked me and found out about me then stopped crushing on me. My gut was right! 

I don't think I would have wanted her if she had come back after being rejected by the other guy.
It was all too obvious that she actually desired him, and I would've definitely felt like a second-hand choice.

Other than this guy's fantastic looks, one main reason why I felt outclassed was because he became a lot more popular a lot more easily.
Also, all those 4 girls showed every possible sign of interest in front of him that I can think of:
fluttering eyes, moistening of the lips, giggling, blushing, playing with their hair, and compliments about his appearance right down to the "you're really really good-looking!" types of comments.
I am not sure if  he showed any real interest in them himself, he mostly seemed proud and slightly amused by the situation, and played along with them.

It was certainly a learning experience, and made me feel very humbled.

  

Just now, snowboy91 said:

It happens. There's always someone taller, better looking, etc than you. You just had some rotten luck that this particular guy was in that particular club on that particular night.

Attraction is subjective anyway, I would have just brushed it off and tried to find the next girl that (hopefully) thinks you're the attractive one. 

Yes, it was unfortunate for me for sure, haha.
It felt absolutely unfair that he was so much more good-looking, and I am saying this as a guy who is usually considered very handsome myself.
It was like a hit in the stomach the moment he appeared, like "oh dear, I have no chance at all now".
And I accepted that.

Edited August 9, 2020 by Peter1995

[Peter1995]

6 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

You're not always going to be the smartest, richest, most successful, or best looking guy everywhere you go. There will be times when you are completely outclassed when it comes to this sort of thing. Not everyone gets to be like Ryan Reynolds! I wouldn't think much of it though. I will say this much, as a guy that used to hit the bars for ladies in my early 20's, if there was such a guy there that night, I would just leave and try again another night. I have noticed that even the most homely of ladies will most often swoon over some unattainable guy across the room before they would entertain someone that might actually be interested in them. I won't sit there and try to peel her eyes off some other guy. Best to move on for the night. 

Yes, I did that as well that night.

I guess sometimes it is better to just accept that one particular guy is going to rule the field and melt all women's hearts there without even trying.
That's what this guy did.
And even though he outclassed me like this, I still found myself giving him a little smile before I left, since he gave me feel-good vibes just because he was so good-looking.

Edited August 9, 2020 by Peter1995

[schlumpy]

Compete in a different arena.

[ShyViolet]

There is always going to be someone else taller, more muscular, and better looking than you.  Don't waste your time comparing yourself to other people.  This is all very shallow stuff you are talking about.  This sounds like something out of a 1950's Archie comic strip.  Any girl who would be talking to one guy and then another bigger, more muscular guy comes along and she just walks away and goes up to him and starts asking to feel his muscles..... that sounds like a ridiculously shallow person who you wouldn't want to get to know anyway.  Believe me when I say that a muscular, super attractive, "popular" type of guy is NOT every girl's type.  There are girls out there who are into all different types of guys, and you will definitely find girls who would be into you, if you just look in the right places.

[Peter1995]

3 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Compete in a different arena.

Yes, I certainly wasn't gonna stay at that place after he had arrived.

It was quite overwhelming, though;
there I was trying to get a hard-to-get girl develop interest in me, and sort of succeeded after some effort, and then within seconds she was standing with 3 other girls in front of this super-hunk and swooning over him, so that she had started to try to make a flirty impression in front of someone.
It felt unreal to see her so enamored by someone who hadn't said a word to her, when she just a moment earlier had struck me as a hard-to-get type, even though I could tell that she was actually interested in me as well in the beginning (until he appeared).

Edited August 10, 2020 by Peter1995

[lana-banana]

8 minutes ago, Peter1995 said:

Yes, I certainly wasn't gonna stay at that place after he had arrived.

It was quite overwhelming, though;
there I was trying to get a hard-to-get girl develop interest in me, and sort of succeeded after some effort, and then within seconds she was standing with 3 other girls in front of this super-hunk and swooning over him, so that she had started to try to make a flirty impression in front of someone.
It felt unreal to see her so enamored by someone who hadn't said a word to her, when she just a moment earlier had struck me as a hard-to-get type, even though I could tell that she was actually interested in me as well in the beginning (until he appeared).

Overwhelming, maybe, but probably inevitable to some degree unless you're the most handsome and striking man in the world???

These things happen. If she's into you, she'll be into you regardless. Otherwise don't sweat it. I am sure if I tried to approach men at a party they'd easily be wowed by sexy female supermodel-types if they showed up.

[schlumpy]

3 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I am sure if I tried to approach men at a party they'd easily be wowed by sexy female supermodel-types if they showed up.

So, it would take a supermodel to outclass you? 🙂

[Peter1995]

26 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

There is always going to be someone else taller, more muscular, and better looking than you.  Don't waste your time comparing yourself to other people.  This is all very shallow stuff you are talking about.  This sounds like something out of a 1950's Archie comic strip.  Any girl who would be talking to one guy and then another bigger, more muscular guy comes along and she just walks away and goes up to him and starts asking to feel his muscles..... that sounds like a ridiculously shallow person who you wouldn't want to get to know anyway.  Believe me when I say that a muscular, super attractive, "popular" type of guy is NOT every girl's type.  There are girls out there who are into all different types of guys, and you will definitely find girls who would be into you, if you just look in the right places.

This particular behaviour from those girls is probably unusual, but the guy that appeared was so over-the-top good-looking in every way that I guess that the girls' primitive instincts took over. And the fact that he got 4 admirers like nothing pretty much immediately after showing up whereas I had struggled to charm 1 of them (who also seemed to just pretend to be a challenge) reflected that all too clearly.

And sure, his physical size made him stand out, of course, but it was very obvious from all those girls that they were highly attracted to him.

Edited August 10, 2020 by Peter1995

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

I have noticed that even the most homely of ladies will most often swoon over some unattainable guy across the room before they would entertain someone that might actually be interested in them. 

Stating the obvious, but "homely" men do the same thing. 

At a club where most people are just looking for fleeting thrills, looks rule, so it makes sense you'd lose steam when a more effective peacock enters the scene. 

[lana-banana]

18 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

So, it would take a supermodel to outclass you? 🙂

I could be outdone but maybe not outclassed by a 6 out of 10. I'm kinda cute but let's be reasonable.

I am weirdly glad my looks were never a huge selling point. A few college friends were very attractive, and when they hit about 30 (when creeps and guys at bars stopped immediately noticing them, even though they still got tons of attention from others) they had an existential meltdown. It's good to be able to know your worth outside something fleeting.

Edited August 10, 2020 by lana-banana

[ShyViolet]

9 minutes ago, Peter1995 said:

This particular behaviour from those girls is probably unusual, but the guy that appeared was so over-the-top good-looking in every way that I guess that the girls' primitive instincts took over. And the fact that he got 4 admirers like nothing pretty much immediately after showing up whereas I had struggled to charm 1 of them (who also seemed to just pretend to be a challenge) reflected that all too clearly.

And sure, his physical size made him stand out, of course, but it was very obvious from all those girls that they were highly attracted to him.

The scene you're describing just sounds so ridiculous, like something out of a cartoon.  Do you want to date shallow people like that, or do you want to date someone with character who you can actually have a conversation with?  Maybe you should stop looking for potential dating partners at clubs/bars.  Maybe try dating apps where you get a one-on-one interaction.  

[Peter1995]

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

The scene you're describing just sounds so ridiculous, like something out of a cartoon.  Do you want to date shallow people like that, or do you want to date someone with character who you can actually have a conversation with?  Maybe you should stop looking for potential dating partners at clubs/bars.  Maybe try dating apps where you get a one-on-one interaction.  

I remember sort of asking myself when the guy at the club appeared how things would be like for someone like him regarding girls. A guy like him must have tons of confidence in his looks and have major problems having a longer relationship.

Edited August 10, 2020 by Peter1995

[Ruby Slippers]

@enigma32, I have a similar mindset. I never tried to meet people in clubs... but I've always sized up the man across all aspects, including likelihood that interest will be mutual and potentially lasting. 

Edited August 10, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Peter1995]

54 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Stating the obvious, but "homely" men do the same thing. 

At a club where most people are just looking for fleeting thrills, looks rule, so it makes sense you'd lose steam when a more effective peacock enters the scene. 

I will admit that I have always felt like one of the more attractive guys in general, and I have got a lot of validation on that through the years and only maybe felt a little bit "threatened" by other guys a few times.

This is one reason why the night at that club made such an impact on me - that was the first time I had felt not just rivalry, but complete hopelessness in regards to my relative looks. It was really an eye-opener for me, and I truly accepted deep down inside that a guy like him could reduce me to nothing in terms of attractiveness - in front of him, that is. So I feel like he did me a favour, in a way - he really humbled me, and left me with complete conviction that "yes - you are the hot guy here", and I gave in completely.

Edited August 10, 2020 by Peter1995

[Ruby Slippers]

12 minutes ago, Peter1995 said:

So I feel like he did me a favour, in a way - he really humbled me

Yes. Releasing the attachments of the ego is always a good thing.

Ego says "I'm superior to this person." But ego also says "I'm inferior to that person."

Better not to compare at all, but take the loving approach, which says we ALL have value no matter where we fall on the scale of looks, intelligence, physical prowess, money, and so on 🥰

[Peter1995]

19 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yes. Releasing the attachments of the ego is always a good thing.

Ego says "I'm superior to this person." But ego also says "I'm inferior to that person."

Better not to compare at all, but take the loving approach, which says we ALL have value no matter where we fall on the scale of looks, intelligence, physical prowess, money, and so on 🥰

Yes, I think the same way, and I haven't really consciously compared myself to other people like that too much. It just struck me so hard when the guy at the club arrived that I couldn't compete with him at all.

Edited August 10, 2020 by Peter1995

[thefooloftheyear]

I think many people fail to realize that ...

A) there are billions......billions... of the opposite sex out there...That makes for pretty good odds..

B) anyone out there really only need a few(potentially only 1!) in a typical adult life to think that you are the hottest specimen on the Earth,,, still phenomenal odds.

Getting into these dick measuring contests is an idiot's pursuit.....for any guy....The way it's thought of and described is that the OP and this guy are the only two males on a deserted island with one woman....

For all you know, that guy could be a jerkoff, hung like a gnat, or any variety of things...I get completely where you are coming from, and it can be demoralizing when it happens right in front of you,  but just put it into perspective and realize that its completely  un-necessary to be universally accepted/desired to have a happy and fulfilled life/relationship.....Not even close..

TFY

Edited August 10, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[Wiseman2]

Maybe it's time to focus on your personality. Try not to worry so much about what's in the mirror. These girls may have sensed that you were there for validation for yourself rather than interest in them.

[Peter1995]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe it's time to focus on your personality. Try not to worry so much about what's in the mirror. These girls may have sensed that you were there for validation for yourself rather than interest in them.

I think my problem has been that I have always been validated for my looks, and also never experienced any particular rivalry. It has always been easy to get girls' attention even when other handsome guys have been nearby, so it has been something that I have taken for granted. So the impression that this other guy made on the girls there when he appeared was really discouraging.

I am sure that you can understand my feelings about all this - I had approached one of those cute girls, taken the first steps and tried to be as charming as possible and she seemed "quite" interested after a while, and then suddenly this much taller and much more powerful-looking guy simply shows up without taking any initiatives at all, and he almost instantly gets both that girl and 3 other girls to gather in front of him and flirt wildly with him, purely because of his looks, so he hadn't tried to charm them or anything at all like that. This was the first time I had ever felt completely eclipsed by another guy, and I felt utterly humbled and could comfortably admit to myself that he was much, much more attractive than me, even when I was used to always having been considered very handsome and charming in all other situations.

I guess a lesson like this was good for me, so that it truly dawned on me that there exist guys like him who are not simply more attractive, but much, much more attractive to the point that I don't stand a chance at all and become totally invisible - and he was that guy, for sure.

Edited August 10, 2020 by Peter1995

[Wiseman2]

Vainity is a weakness. It cripples you exactly in this way with this mirror mirror on the wall obsession. Once you stop obsessing over your looks, you may start enjoying life and getting dates.

[Realitysux]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Vainity is a weakness. It cripples you exactly in this way with this mirror mirror on the wall obsession. Once you stop obsessing over your looks, you may start enjoying life and getting dates.

Who can't get dates? I'm confused. Who is it that can't get dates? I'm shallow and your words aren't going to change that about me personally