Is it silly to feel absolutely outclassed by another guy?

[rjc149]

I guess you have a taste of what life is like for women lol. How many women suddenly become invisible when a more attractive woman enters the room? And not just in clubs, that's life in general. 

As a man, fortunately, your attractiveness is more multi-faceted than looks alone --

--unless, you're in a 20-something nightclub where it's often way too loud and hectic to effectively convey an attractive personality. It's purely based on physical appearance. And as you've learned, no matter how hot you are, there is someone hotter. Always. 

Also, a woman won't keep up a hard-to-get front if she's actually interested in you. The initial token resistance is usually a sh-t test to see if you're confident. After that, more sh-t tests mean you failed the initial tests, or she just isn't interested. So maybe it wasn't that this UberChad robbed your home run, but rather, you never had this girl in the bag to begin with and she took her exit at the clearest opportunity. 

As a man, basing your entire self-worth belief systems on your physical appearance is quite feminine. We all have insecurities about our looks, but owning yourself is what truly makes you attractive. UberChad is different from you, but he is not better than you.  

But also accept that sometimes, you lose to the hotter guy no matter how attractive your personality or how tight your game is. That's life. 

[Peter1995]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Ah, sorry, the above crossed posts - I was responding to this from Smackie...

 

Ah, okay.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 8/9/2020 at 4:02 PM, Peter1995 said:

Last year I was at a club where I spotted a cute girl, and I decided to try flirting with her. She seemed a bit hard to get at first, but she warmed up after about 10-15 minutes. However, right when I was starting to get along with her, another guy appeared, and he was probably about 6'10 and also very muscular in a proportional way - which was very different from me, since I am 6'0 and have a normal quite slim build - as well as having a very handsome face. And the moment he appeared, I noticed that the girl I was flirting with started eyeing him with great interest, and she actually seemed a little bit shocked by the sight of him. She eventually told me that she was just gonna ask someone something, then walked straight up to him and started flirting with him, even though she had been hard to get around me at first - and not only that, but he also had caught the attention of 3 other girls, and all of them, including the girl that I had been talking to, had immediately started to flirt with him a lot, and started thinking of excuses to get physical contact with him, such as asking if they could feel his arm muscles and asking him to lift them up and things like that. And the fact that he was significantly bigger and more powerful than me made me feel very intimidated by him, so I dared not try to compete with him, and left instead.

Also, his impressive physical size combined with his handsome face made him very attractive - like, very, VERY attractive. I have never felt that outclassed by another guy in my entire life, so it felt hopeless to try competing with him, even if I had dared to do that in the first place.

Is it weird to feel this way when someone who is overwhelmingly attractive shows up like this? Because I felt a bit silly for thinking this way when this happened, but I did feel that he was way too attractive to be a realistic competition, and I could certainly tell that from how those girls melted in front of him so easily.

I usually never feel threatened in the lloks department by other guys like this, but this guy was just too much - I felt very strongly that "no, I have no chance", and I felt that the fact that he had got 4 flirty admirers within seconds by just showing up whereas I had sort of got along with 1 of them after approaching her and making an effort to charm her said a lot. Sure, of course his physical size made a big impact on them at first, but they were definitely into him as well.

If you were a woman, would you get up and leave each time somebody with larger breasts arrived?

 

 

(no matter whether you were leaving a dance hall, a bar, or a relationship)

 

 

[Peter1995]

1 hour ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

If you were a woman, would you get up and leave each time somebody with larger breasts arrived?

 

 

(no matter whether you were leaving a dance hall, a bar, or a relationship)

 

 

I don't think I would do that. In my situation regarding the guy at the club it was actually lots of things all at once that made me feel totally defeated - his one foot taller height, his much more intimidating physique, his fantastic looks, and the fact that he attracted several girls to him without lifting a finger, while I had been working on one of them for a while and taken the first steps.

In some sense it felt pretty insulting how easily he just came and got all those girls like that, even though he of course couldn't help it, since they were the ones who cold approached him.

But then again, I guess this is one part of the lesson that I need to learn in this situation - maybe a guy like him has such an advantage in physical beauty that he will automatically win most girls' affection without helping it, even if I had done my best to try to compete with him.

Edited August 11, 2020 by Peter1995

[assertives]

I think it really depends on what you are looking for. If you are just looking for something casual or just to get laid, then the looks and charisma department definitely makes up the bulk of "decision making" process, and I can see why you may feel inadequate compared to him. But if you are looking for something serious, and for someone to build a life/relationship with, alot of other attributes are actually much more important that physique and looks. That would be competing in a total different arena and you (as much as the next guy) would stand an equal chance. 

[Peter1995]

3 hours ago, assertives said:

I think it really depends on what you are looking for. If you are just looking for something casual or just to get laid, then the looks and charisma department definitely makes up the bulk of "decision making" process, and I can see why you may feel inadequate compared to him. But if you are looking for something serious, and for someone to build a life/relationship with, alot of other attributes are actually much more important that physique and looks. That would be competing in a total different arena and you (as much as the next guy) would stand an equal chance. 

Yes, it just felt strange to have had a lifelong experience of not feeling too much rivalry in terms of looks, so I had got used to the scenario that I was generally considered to be somewhere in the "upper percentile". That was just something that I had started assuming, since everything had indicated that in other situations.

But then again, I guess that there can always be someone like the guy at the club, who is a far outlier who is still dramatically more attractive than me, and that I hadn't run into in the past.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered using Tinder?

[rjc149]

4 hours ago, Peter1995 said:

Yes, it just felt strange to have had a lifelong experience of not feeling too much rivalry in terms of looks, so I had got used to the scenario that I was generally considered to be somewhere in the "upper percentile". That was just something that I had started assuming, since everything had indicated that in other situations.

But then again, I guess that there can always be someone like the guy at the club, who is a far outlier who is still dramatically more attractive than me, and that I hadn't run into in the past.

In your dating experience, have your relied primarily on your looks to get girls? 

I've known good-looking guys who were pretty wooden and blah, or obviously insecure, when they actually opened their mouths. Girls would chat them up, and after a few minutes, lose interest. Like, these guys actually struggled with women because they didn't know how to generate attraction beyond being nice to look at. As a guy, being good looking gives you more opportunities, but your confidence and game is still what gets the girl. Appearance is important, but doesn't serve the same function in attracting women as it does for men. 

[assertives]

6 hours ago, Peter1995 said:

Yes, it just felt strange to have had a lifelong experience of not feeling too much rivalry in terms of looks, so I had got used to the scenario that I was generally considered to be somewhere in the "upper percentile". That was just something that I had started assuming, since everything had indicated that in other situations.

But then again, I guess that there can always be someone like the guy at the club, who is a far outlier who is still dramatically more attractive than me, and that I hadn't run into in the past.

I think you are focusing on the wrong things. Looks are only skin deep. At the end of the day, you should be working on or "worrying" about who you are as a person, and what kind of qualities you have or hope to develop/horne to someday share it with another person. Any attraction that those girls feel for that guy is also superficial and I seriously doubt any of them is seriously thinking of something meaningful or long-term with him.

Of course if yours, he's and those girls' goal is just to hook up or look for something casual, then yes, looks probably does mean more than other attributes. But that said, there are also alot of not very conventionally attractive guys who get laid frequently or have fwb arrangements. So looks really isn't a be all end all attribute. 

[elaine567]

You may be "top tier" looks wise, but  you were struggling to gain the attention of that girl, so maybe she took the opportunity of the hotter dude showing up, to ditch you
I have never been a pursuer of random hot dudes,  but if I was trying to shake a guy loose I may have joined in in that throng too...

[Wiseman2]

Hot or Not is a rating site that allows users to rate the attractiveness of photos submitted voluntarily by others. The site offers a matchmaking engine called 'Meet Me' and an extended profile feature called "Hotlists". 

[nibelheim89]

On 8/9/2020 at 8:02 PM, Peter1995 said:

Last year I was at a club where I spotted a cute girl,

This is where it goes wrong for you, meeting girls at clubs.

Best to look for potential partners elsewhere as you won't be fishing at the top of the barrel at a typical club.

[Trail Blazer]

Damn, bro!  You had some bad luck there.  I don't think it's "silly" to acknowledge that you can't keep up with .01 percent of the population.  Sometimes, some people are just born lucky!

How often are you going to come across a man who can literally make every girl in the club moist?  Yeah, not that often!  Don't let this experience get you down!  Just roll with the punches and move on!  

[Commongoal123]

On 8/9/2020 at 7:02 PM, Peter1995 said:

Last year I was at a club where I spotted a cute girl, and I decided to try flirting with her. She seemed a bit hard to get at first, but she warmed up after about 10-15 minutes. However, right when I was starting to get along with her, another guy appeared, and he was probably about 6'10 and also very muscular in a proportional way - which was very different from me, since I am 6'0 and have a normal quite slim build - as well as having a very handsome face. And the moment he appeared, I noticed that the girl I was flirting with started eyeing him with great interest, and she actually seemed a little bit shocked by the sight of him. She eventually told me that she was just gonna ask someone something, then walked straight up to him and started flirting with him, even though she had been hard to get around me at first - and not only that, but he also had caught the attention of 3 other girls, and all of them, including the girl that I had been talking to, had immediately started to flirt with him a lot, and started thinking of excuses to get physical contact with him, such as asking if they could feel his arm muscles and asking him to lift them up and things like that. And the fact that he was significantly bigger and more powerful than me made me feel very intimidated by him, so I dared not try to compete with him, and left instead.

Also, his impressive physical size combined with his handsome face made him very attractive - like, very, VERY attractive. I have never felt that outclassed by another guy in my entire life, so it felt hopeless to try competing with him, even if I had dared to do that in the first place.

Is it weird to feel this way when someone who is overwhelmingly attractive shows up like this? Because I felt a bit silly for thinking this way when this happened, but I did feel that he was way too attractive to be a realistic competition, and I could certainly tell that from how those girls melted in front of him so easily.

I usually never feel threatened in the lloks department by other guys like this, but this guy was just too much - I felt very strongly that "no, I have no chance", and I felt that the fact that he had got 4 flirty admirers within seconds by just showing up whereas I had sort of got along with 1 of them after approaching her and making an effort to charm her said a lot. Sure, of course his physical size made a big impact on them at first, but they were definitely into him as well.

I hear a whole lot of unaddressed insecurity bubbling up on this.

With that said, you could just drag a big wooden club across the club floor and hit him over the head with it.

[JS84]

Not a huge mystery. A guy triggered insecurities you didn't know you have and it threw you off. At least you have the insight to acknowledge, question and reflect on it. 

There's nothing wrong with being a bit insecure, despite the fact that most people act like having them is some sort of character defect (especially if you're a male).

Edited August 29, 2020 by JS84

[basil67]

Where you were before this incident strikes me a an unhealthy level of egotism.   Seems to me like you've just had a reality crash hit and your mind is catching up.   Hopefully you'll come out of this experience with a little more humility.   And a healthy degree of humility is attractive.

[Peter1995]

On 8/30/2020 at 2:07 AM, basil67 said:

Where you were before this incident strikes me a an unhealthy level of egotism.   Seems to me like you've just had a reality crash hit and your mind is catching up.   Hopefully you'll come out of this experience with a little more humility.   And a healthy degree of humility is attractive.

Yes, it just felt quite disheartening when he appeared and towered over me, and also was the most good-looking man I had ever seen in my life.
I felt completely invisible as soon as the girls noticed him and started flirting wildly with him.

But I guess that I should expect that some men are exceptionally attractive and will easily steal all attention like that, even though I have always been considered very handsome myself?

[central]

Being average looking means I don't get much attention, so have to rely on other traits and methods of meeting women.  Once I was in a relationship, this sort of thing no longer mattered; we'd chosen each other for good reasons, so while very attractive people may get our attention briefly, they can't keep it or take away what we already have.

When you are one of those very attractive people, things seem easy - until someone even more-so comes along to provide perspective.

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, Peter1995 said:

Yes, it just felt quite disheartening when he appeared and towered over me, and also was the most good-looking man I had ever seen in my life.
I felt completely invisible as soon as the girls noticed him and started flirting wildly with him.

But I guess that I should expect that some men are exceptionally attractive and will easily steal all attention like that, even though I have always been considered very handsome myself?

Of course you should expect that.   You're going to get old and younger men will come along with youth and vigour and great looks.   If all you have to rely on is your looks...and those looks are gone, you are going to fall way behind the men who have learned to use personality.   Time to rethink which tools you use.

[Wiseman2]

🤔Peter, Peter, Peter You need to get over him and over yourself.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I've only read about a third of this thread so hope I'm not jumping in at a weird time for this comment, but...a 6' guy is much more appealing to me than a 6'10" guy. 

That said, I know a guy like you described, and know him well. He's not 6'10 but he's well over 6', gorgeous, and even little kids comment saying stuff like "you look like movie star" when they first meet him. I can't tell you how often I've heard someone say that to him or about him. THAT SAID, he has some neurological issues very few people know about (he functions extremely well) that bother him every day of his life and that make it difficult for him to have a long term relationship. He has sought treatment from many places and it seems none is available. 

Do people know this about him? No, he masks it very well. But, I'm sure he would give up his good looks to be normal in the area that he is not. 

One time a comment was made to him about all the women who throw themselves at him and I heard him reply (i would write he said it longingly because he did,  but it sounds  too dramatic), "But I just want one, all I want is one." 

Think about that. The guy you saw was having some moments of admiration but that isn't what a good and satisfying life is comprised of. You can be sure he has his own trials, even though  you couldn't see them.

[Peter1995]

On 9/2/2020 at 11:47 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

I've only read about a third of this thread so hope I'm not jumping in at a weird time for this comment, but...a 6' guy is much more appealing to me than a 6'10" guy. 

That said, I know a guy like you described, and know him well. He's not 6'10 but he's well over 6', gorgeous, and even little kids comment saying stuff like "you look like movie star" when they first meet him. I can't tell you how often I've heard someone say that to him or about him. THAT SAID, he has some neurological issues very few people know about (he functions extremely well) that bother him every day of his life and that make it difficult for him to have a long term relationship. He has sought treatment from many places and it seems none is available. 

Do people know this about him? No, he masks it very well. But, I'm sure he would give up his good looks to be normal in the area that he is not. 

One time a comment was made to him about all the women who throw themselves at him and I heard him reply (i would write he said it longingly because he did,  but it sounds  too dramatic), "But I just want one, all I want is one." 

Think about that. The guy you saw was having some moments of admiration but that isn't what a good and satisfying life is comprised of. You can be sure he has his own trials, even though  you couldn't see them.

Yes, I guess the guy that I saw at the club would have a similar problem:
all the girls who had started hitting on him were definitely super-into him, and they seemed to compete for his attention and barely even notice each other.
Of course, they would be focused on his looks at that point, since they didn't know him, but they did look at him with a really tender a flirty gaze and gave him compliments, tried to find excuses to touch him, and were giddy in general, so it wouldn't surprise me if those who may have ended up dating him got a mad crush on him later.
Two of them also directly invited him to do something with each of them, but he seemed to mostly give a flattered laugh as a response.

I am not sure how he handled that situation, since he seemed to find all of them attractive, but maybe he dated each of them at a time.

Edited September 4, 2020 by Peter1995

[basil67]

@Peter1995 you started this thread nearly a month ago and you're still ruminating over him.   You need therapy.   Not just to let go of your obsession with this other guy, but to correct your own warped sense of self.  You may be pretty, but by the way you speak, it sounds like your only value is your appearance.

When you become more than just your looks, you'll find that you will be above this kind of shallowness...and be far more attractive to boot.   

 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Peter1995 you started this thread nearly a month ago and you're still ruminating over him.   You need therapy.   Not just to let go of your obsession with this other guy, but to correct your own warped sense of self.  You may be pretty, but by the way you speak, it sounds like your only value is your appearance.

I was going to say the same. 

Respectfully - this level of fixation over something quite minor that happened ages ago indicates there are deeper issues going on with you, OP. 

[smackie9]

On 8/10/2020 at 12:35 PM, Peter1995 said:

Yes, that's true.

It was however a bit shocking when I had got used to always being considered one of the most good-looking guys in every situation, and then a guy who is much much more good-looking still, much taller AND much more physically intimidating makes an entrance and takes over all attention in the room with ridiculous ease like that, and makes me feel completely invisible.

I guess that it served me well to have that experience, and be taught once and for all that someone like him does exist.

This is what is called a "Humbling experience." Karma was putting you in your place. I say it's a message to set more focus on other attributes, and stop relying on your looks so much....getting a little too puffed up.

Edited September 5, 2020 by smackie9