Husband never satisfied

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, TheTruth711 said:

Those long sessions do nothing for me at all in terms of pleasure. I agree to it because it’s my duty as a wife.

Sorry to hear this. Keep your personal pleasures private and do not discuss that with him. Tell him you need foreplay. Are you in a cult that advises painful sex, no matter what? Sorry to hear this.

[TheTruth711]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Keep your personal pleasures private and do not discuss that with him. Tell him you need foreplay. Are you in a cult that advises painful sex, no matter what? Sorry to hear this.

I tried having my own private time but ended up wracked with guilt. I also found that I was being drawn to pornography in these times. 

So as a Christian these apparently open doors for evil to enter you and your family’s lives. So you can imagine the guilt and condemnation I felt after. Yet I could not escape from my natural urges. He told me not to ‘do my stuff’ while our child was home. He’s always home since schools are still closed! 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, TheTruth711 said:

 But he doesn’t want to me to ‘dictate’ what settings/intensity I prefer. He seems to get offended when I bring up anything that may challenge his performance. Even when I try to show him what feels good or ask him not to squeeze too tight, these things offend him! 

What the hell?  He is abusive.  It's sad that you are allowing this.

[Ruby Slippers]

While Christian doctrine does say the man is the head of the household and ultimately has the final say, it also says he has an obligation as the leader to be a good, kind, loving husband, to love his wife with honor, as he loves his own body, etc. Tons of scripture about a man's duty to honor and respect his wife, which he's clearly violating in many ways.

[JRabbit]

2 hours ago, TheTruth711 said:

That’s the thing, this all happens at night. After 10-11pm. Sometimes we’re done after 1am. We have a young child in our small apartment so daytime isn’t possible.

At night I'm usually very tired and just want to sleep really. I’m usually not horny, I actually am a morning person but he’s not. 

once something starts effecting your life (like not getting enough sleep) it is a problem.  This is a ridiculous request of him, to expect you to be up till 1 or 2 am every night while he pounds away and you get nothing in return?  Why does it take so long, or does he purposefully make it last that long?

If you can not talk to him about sex without him getting offended that is usually a sign you aren't ready to even be having sex.  I would consider taking sex off the table, until you can sit down and have a grown up adult conversation about both or your likes/dislikes etc.  It is not his world, its both of your worlds and you both deserve to enjoy sex, not just him.

[regine_phalange]

Can I ask something, is he helping you out with the house, with your child etc? Do you both work? I'm just wondering where does he find so much energy. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

6 minutes ago, regine_phalange said:

Can I ask something, is he helping you out with the house, with your child etc? Do you both work? I'm just wondering where does he find so much energy. 

If someone has an ultra high sex drive, they find the energy.

[TheTruth711]

5 hours ago, regine_phalange said:

Can I ask something, is he helping you out with the house, with your child etc? Do you both work? I'm just wondering where does he find so much energy. 

Most offices are still closed so he’s working from home. But he’s always been like that, sex for him has to go on for hours. 

[major_merrick]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

I noticed in your previous post where you said "He told me his pleasure comes from seeing me satisfied".   Because it sounds to me like you're not only dissatisfied, but being left in pain too.   Have you told him that between his lack of foreplay and pumping away for two hours that you're not getting pleasure?  

I hadn't seen that thread, or at least I don't recall it.  But it explains EVERYTHING!!!

I've always said, the #1 rule of heterosexual intercourse is:  GIRL CUMS FIRST.  If you aren't getting foreplay and getting off a couple of times, of course getting pounded for two hours is gonna hurt.  I don't know how to teach this guy a lesson, except perhaps to give some kind of ultimatum regarding the RULE above.  And lay in bed with a clicker to reinforce the idea that you're counting the O's until you're ready for the pounding. 

9 hours ago, TheTruth711 said:

Those long sessions do nothing for me at all in terms of pleasure. I agree to it because it’s my duty as a wife.

Since you are a Christian, I'm assuming that he is too?  If so, do you have any recourse through your religious community?  At least in my community, if I had a serious marital dispute like this and my husband was unwilling to negotiate at all, I could appeal to the elders for help and counseling on Biblical grounds.  Yes, sex is your duty as a wife.  Sometimes I have sex out of duty.  But it is also the husband's duty to please his wife.  God intended sex to be pleasurable to both parties, or he wouldn't have given women a sensitive clitoris and the ability to multi-orgasm.  Apparently your husband hasn't read the full text of 1 Corinthians 7:

" 3.  Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." 

That passage (and the verses that follow) make it abundantly clear that sex is a two-way street in marriage.  AFFECTION is due, not pounding.  Continuing on to 1 Corinthians 13, there's all sorts of descriptions about what love is and what love isn't.  While I don't advocate just slapping your husband in the face with a Bible chapter, if he is a believer there's got to be somebody in his life with some influence over him.  If not, he's not much of a believer.  My husband frequently says, "I have authority because I am given authority.  I am only given authority because I am UNDER authority."  That's the ideal, anyways.  A patriarchal system can only succeed if there's some checks and balances, and ways of mitigating bad behavior. 

[TheTruth711]

7 hours ago, JRabbit said:

once something starts effecting your life (like not getting enough sleep) it is a problem.  This is a ridiculous request of him, to expect you to be up till 1 or 2 am every night while he pounds away and you get nothing in return?  Why does it take so long, or does he purposefully make it last that long?

If you can not talk to him about sex without him getting offended that is usually a sign you aren't ready to even be having sex.  I would consider taking sex off the table, until you can sit down and have a grown up adult conversation about both or your likes/dislikes etc.  It is not his world, its both of your worlds and you both deserve to enjoy sex, not just him.

Putting off sex does get me some results, true. Thing is I know he’s doing all these things in desperation just to get back in my pants. After we do it, he’s okay the next day, or until I reject his advances. 

[TheTruth711]

22 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

I hadn't seen that thread, or at least I don't recall it.  But it explains EVERYTHING!!!

I've always said, the #1 rule of heterosexual intercourse is:  GIRL CUMS FIRST.  If you aren't getting foreplay and getting off a couple of times, of course getting pounded for two hours is gonna hurt.  I don't know how to teach this guy a lesson, except perhaps to give some kind of ultimatum regarding the RULE above.  And lay in bed with a clicker to reinforce the idea that you're counting the O's until you're ready for the pounding. 

Since you are a Christian, I'm assuming that he is too?  If so, do you have any recourse through your religious community?  At least in my community, if I had a serious marital dispute like this and my husband was unwilling to negotiate at all, I could appeal to the elders for help and counseling on Biblical grounds.  Yes, sex is your duty as a wife.  Sometimes I have sex out of duty.  But it is also the husband's duty to please his wife.  God intended sex to be pleasurable to both parties, or he wouldn't have given women a sensitive clitoris and the ability to multi-orgasm.  Apparently your husband hasn't read the full text of 1 Corinthians 7:

" 3.  Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." 

That passage (and the verses that follow) make it abundantly clear that sex is a two-way street in marriage.  AFFECTION is due, not pounding.  Continuing on to 1 Corinthians 13, there's all sorts of descriptions about what love is and what love isn't.  While I don't advocate just slapping your husband in the face with a Bible chapter, if he is a believer there's got to be somebody in his life with some influence over him.  If not, he's not much of a believer.  My husband frequently says, "I have authority because I am given authority.  I am only given authority because I am UNDER authority."  That's the ideal, anyways.  A patriarchal system can only succeed if there's some checks and balances, and ways of mitigating bad behavior. 

Thank you for spending time to write me such a long message, greatly appreciated! 

My type of satisfaction comes from cuddling kissing holding hands...these things he avoids like a plague. He will quickly side hug me while I’m seated(like a cat brushing against your leg) when we wants sex that night. He would literally rush out the door on his way to work when I asked if he could hug me before he leaves each morning. I gave up asking. 

I don’t care for sex anymore, I long for quiet nights and peaceful sleep. These days I sleep either feeling guilty or extremely sore and exhausted. 

Hes a Christian as well. I’ll point him to those verses. Thanks 

Edited August 11, 2020 by TheTruth711

[basil67]

@TheTruth711, when you say No to him, are you honest about the reasons why?  For example "It will be painful because I'm still sore from two days ago and my physical needs aren't being met"

[major_merrick]

39 minutes ago, TheTruth711 said:

My type of satisfaction comes from cuddling kissing holding hands...these things he avoids like a plague. He will quickly side hug me while I’m seated(like a cat brushing against your leg) when we wants sex that night. He would literally rush out the door on his way to work when I asked if he could hug me before he leaves each morning. I gave up asking. 

I don’t care for sex anymore, I long for quiet nights and peaceful sleep. These days I sleep either feeling guilty or extremely sore and exhausted. 

Hes a Christian as well. I’ll point him to those verses. Thanks 

You two DEFINITELY aren't speaking the same "love languages."  Has he always been so averse to non-sexual physical contact?  What made you fall in love with him in the first place? 

If I'm giving out relationship advice to guys, I always tell them to initiate non-sexual physical touch frequently to make a girl comfortable.  There's only a handful of "wrong" times in life for that.  I'm fortunate to have a husband who knows that even when I'm angry....pick me up and hug me and its usually the right answer.  I can't imagine living without that.  Even the cats around here do more than just brush up against me....my husband is affectionate with them and they respond!  When a guy sets the tone in a relationship, it literally affects the whole household either for good or for ill. 

I don't know if anything you do will change him.  Bible verses are great, but he has to be willing to receive them.  Someone else might be able to deliver the message more effectively.  You need 3rd-party help.  Pastor, Elders, Christian counselor, or some combination of the above.  Find somebody to talk to, make an appointment, whatever you've gotta do.  Pay whatever it takes.  Try to convince him to go.  If he won't, you set the example and go on your own.  You need Christian help to save your marriage, because secular folks are going to pressure you into thinking about divorce. 

Make sure you're following the conflict resolution steps that Jesus gave us.  Your husband is also your brother in Christ. In Matthew 18, we're told:

"15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."

It seems you're in the process of the first step, and he's not hearing you.  The next step is to go to him, but bring "one or two more" whom you can confide in, who can help to confront him in a respectful manner.

He's totally unaware of his duty as a husband to LOVE his wife.  He's got zero concept of how to do it.  Love is actions, not feelings and words.  He's got zero concept of sacrificing anything for you.  You see, there's a big difference between men and women when it comes to sex.  Most men need sex to feel loved (he's sort of getting that part.)  Most women need love to want sex (and you aren't getting that at all.)  When there's a libido mismatch, often the woman is feeling unloved in addition to poor sexual technique.  You've got both going on. 

Edited August 11, 2020 by major_merrick

[healing light]

On 8/9/2020 at 5:37 PM, TheTruth711 said:

When my husband and I make love, it lasts for at least two hours.

My ex was like this. 75-90+ minutes of straight intercourse. For him, it was tied into a ton of supplements he was taking. When he got off of them, he had no problem climaxing in a "normal" time frame. I don't climax from intercourse, so I sympathize with what you must be going through. When I tried to broach this topic with him, he also was upset and was talking to me about how I'm the only woman who wouldn't be elated by that scenario.

Found out my friend's boyfriend had the same issue when he also took these kinds of workout supplements. Just something to think about in case it is some kind of medication that he is taking.

However, it sounds like you have bigger issues with him in general that bleed into the bedroom.

Edited August 11, 2020 by healing light

[basil67]

2 hours ago, healing light said:

When I tried to broach this topic with him, he also was upset and was talking to me about how I'm the only woman who wouldn't be elated by that scenario.

He's clearly never been privvy to drunken, oversharing conversations of women 😂

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, TheTruth711 said:

 Hes a Christian as well. I’ll point him to those verses. Thanks 

You need to get out of this abusive cult if you think painful humiliating sex is your "wifely duty".

Can you get divorced? Can you flee? Are you being held hostage?

[JRabbit]

11 hours ago, TheTruth711 said:

Putting off sex does get me some results, true. Thing is I know he’s doing all these things in desperation just to get back in my pants. After we do it, he’s okay the next day, or until I reject his advances. 

I wouldn't even consider it withholding. More of, "if you aren't willing to meet me in the middle where I get pleasure too and also wrap it up in a decent timeframe, then we are just going to have to put intimacy on a hold until we can figure something out that works for both of us".

Be brave, have the talk. In no way shape or form in 2020 should a woman be living under a mans rule regarding sex.  Sex is a two way (or more lol) street.  He doesn't own you and you do not owe him sex. Especially when your needs are not being met at all whatsoever.

[major_merrick]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to get out of this abusive cult if you think painful humiliating sex is your "wifely duty"

Her faith is NOT the problem.  Her husband is actually not obeying the teachings of the faith, as I have pointed out.  Intervention by her community of faith could help.  

[Mystery4u]

Having a wife who doesn't want to have sex every day would be a nightmare for me. 2hrs is way too long though so I understand why you don't want to.

If talking to him and explaining your feelings about the pain etc doesn't make him change so it's more comfortable for you, then his selfishness is as good a reason as any to end things.

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Having a wife who doesn't want to have sex every day would be a nightmare for me.

Is that not a bit  boring?
Sex daily like clockwork, whether she really wants to or not...
Brush the teeth, comb the hair, have a shower, have sex... routine = boring and predictable.
I get that people get into ruts but sex every day, sounds like it could quite easily become a chore...

[Ruby Slippers]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I get that people get into ruts but sex every day, sounds like it could quite easily become a chore...

It's about compatibility. I have high drive and am happiest when I'm having sex every day, even happier if it's more than once a day. One of the things that was very close to ideal for me in my last relationship was our sex life. We had sex every day, sometimes more than once a day, and we were both totally into it and happy with it. It was never once a chore. One time toward the end, he was going on about how every time with me felt like the first time, which was super hot. Sex with the same person can be a beautiful and very sexy ritual, when done well - that's how it should be.

However, I would have zero interest in having sex with a guy who wasn't being sensitive to my desires and aiming to fulfill them, just as I do with him. We only had sex when both were 100% enthusiastic and hot for it.

4 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Her faith is NOT the problem. 

Agreed. Christianity is one of the most stable frameworks for marriage and family - assuming both husband and wife are striving to be Christ-like in their relationships with other family members, as he obviously is not.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/10/2020 at 12:47 PM, TheTruth711 said:

Those long sessions do nothing for me at all in terms of pleasure. I agree to it because it’s my duty as a wife.

According to what/who?

[Els]

Pretty much the only thing that matters here is that your husband has consistently valued his pleasure over your consent, health and well-being.

Everything else pales in the face of that truth. I know you said you don't want to divorce, but is this really the kind of marriage you want your children to grow up seeing? What does it tell them about relationships? Do you want your son to grow up just like him, or your daughter to marry a man just like him?

No, not all men are like this. I daresay not even the majority of men.

Edited August 11, 2020 by Elswyth

[Mystery4u]

13 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Is that not a bit  boring?
Sex daily like clockwork, whether she really wants to or not...
Brush the teeth, comb the hair, have a shower, have sex... routine = boring and predictable.
I get that people get into ruts but sex every day, sounds like it could quite easily become a chore...

That's a lot of assumptions... 

Firstly I said I would want a wife who wants it every day, same as I do.

Not sure where you get the idea of clockwork, routine, boring and predictable just because we would want to do it every day? Sure the most common time would be when in bed together but when you are sexually matched with someone and enjoy it with them, it's never a chore.

Fortunately my girlfriend is on the same page as me. She once told me it was her duty to take care of me and look after me at home by cooking for me etc. When I asked her what my duty was for her? She told me "**** me good every day" with a cheeky smile. Yea I'm gonna marry her one day.

Edited August 12, 2020 by Mystery4u