First relationship at 23- LDR with 5,000 mile distant? Bad idea?

[bananabear9]

Hi! So I am 23 year old female and never been in a relationship before due to multiple reasons. Mainly I have a super low self esteem (like bad), always been super busy with school and work (also have super strict parents), and am very shy. I have gone on dates before but they are all due to dating apps like tinder, bumble, etc. I've never gotten a 2nd date though, usually (in my opinion),  the dates are pretty awkward. I find myself completely deconstructing my date and picking out all their flaws and losing all interest during the date. I am that friend that goes and downloads dating apps and deletes them in a constant cycle at least once every couple of months. I am definitely not going on there for hookups but I have been looking for potential relationship material (did I mention that apart from my very low self-esteem I have pretty high standards- lol just Virgo problems). 

Anyway, around May I used the tinder passport feature to switch my location to Boston, MA to see what people there were like. I matched with this guy from the Netherlands (??) and we started talking. He is very nice and his English is really good despite him not being a native speaker. He was answering relatively quickly at first but later, I asked if he had a sc or instagram or something (usually I don't like talking on snapchat but since he doesn't have an American phone- I can't really ask for his number). He then told me about this app he got due to an ex called KakaoTalk (like Whatsapp). So I downloaded it around July and we have been talking there since.

He replies like once everyday and usually late at night/ really early in the morning. I live in the East coast US so we have a 6 hour time difference between us. He sometimes sent me voice notes of him talking and asking me questions which I liked and after some confidence boosting, I sent him some back too. I don't really know why he takes so long to answer but I know he told me he just started a job at a company where he is the only graduate student but they expect him to do the work the professionals do and he seemed (due to his voice notes) very stressed out. So that may be why he takes long to answer and why he only answers a bit. I would like to reaffirm that due to his age on tinder changing around early June- I have concluded he is a cancer man. I literally do not know any cancers at all so I did some digging on them and found that they really like family-oriented topics, take things pretty slow, and (cancer men in particular) usually have strong connections to their moms.

I have tried to ask him stuff about his life to get to know him better but he doesn't really take lots of hints. Maybe he is just slow to open up? For example, I sent him a picture of my new dog (very cute maltese) and moved onto topics like if he have any pets or siblings. He commented on my dog but didn't really say much about himself. Any advice on what I should do? At first I thought he wasn't very interested in talking to me anymore and was just replying every now and then to be nice but then one day I accidentally ghosted him (I didn't get a notification that he replied to me) and when I apologized he said: "Nooo problem. Just message when you have time to message me okay :)". I thought that was cute and a good sign that he wants me to message him back. So I don't know. 

We have circled around to talking about COVID literally about 5 times because I don't know if going personal (family life, hobbies, etc). would maybe turn him off. I already know where he works, goes to school and what wants to do career related but not much else. Since we have been talking for about 4 months now, how do I ask about these more personal topics without sounding awkward? Also, I keep checking videos on tik tok about LDR and I think I am getting ahead of myself. 

I notice EVERYTHING and want to ask him more things but I don't know if he is comfortable with that. I also don't know how deep this could go relationship wise if he only replies 1x (max 2-3) per day. Like I like slow, I am by no means trying to rush anything, but this is a bit too slow. Maybe this is how dutch guys are? I don't know. 

 

Anyway, anything helps! Thanks  

 

--- BTW- I did do a background check on him (found his LinkedIn) and everything he said checked out. 

Edited August 10, 2020 by bananabear9
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[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like you want to hide behind a screen and this is why you chose this. 

It's ok to have a pen pal, but this is not dating or a LDR. The more you entrench yourself in this cyberpal fantasy the lonelier and more isolated you'll feel in the long run.

[bananabear9]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you want to hide behind a screen and this is why you chose this. 

It's ok to have a pen pal, but this is not dating or a LDR. The more you entrench yourself in this cyberpal fantasy the lonelier and more isolated you'll feel in the long run.

I mean isn't this how most LDR start? You talk online.. hence long distance. But we did meet on tinder, not bible study so I assume he is looking for something in the relationship field. Why else would you join tinder. But thanks for the comment. I do already feel pretty lonely and isolated due to being high-risk in the middle of a pandemic so I don't think that will increase anytime soon. 

[basil67]

People join tinder for all kinds of reasons.  For casual sex, for relationships, for time wasting, for scamming and because they have nothing better to do.    This guy's interactions with you seem to be firmly in the 'they have nothing better to do" category.    

How did you come to the conclusion that this is a LDR?   Did the two of you talk about it and agree it's a relationship?

[bananabear9]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

People join tinder for all kinds of reasons.  For casual sex, for relationships, for time wasting, for scamming and because they have nothing better to do.    This guy's interactions with you seem to be firmly in the 'they have nothing better to do" category.    

How did you come to the conclusion that this is a LDR?   Did the two of you talk about it and agree it's a relationship?

I don't think it is LDR. Maybe I should change the title. English is not my first language either so I think the way I wrote it translated weird. I am just asking about how I can talk to him in to get to know him better. I thought long distance relationships meant friend relationships too. I am sorry 

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't want to talk as much as you do. Why did you seek out someone you'll never meet and don't even speak the same language as?

You are trying to build something out of nothing.

A better approach would be to ask your parents to take you to a doctor for an evaluation of your social withdrawal and a referral to a therapist for your self esteem issues.

You can't get better by catfishing or being catfished.

 

Edited August 10, 2020 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

No problem with the language divide.  Thanks for the explanation.

He's not interested enough to bother pursuing anything with him.   Just do a fade on him.  

[bananabear9]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

No problem with the language divide.  Thanks for the explanation.

He's not interested enough to bother pursuing anything with him.   Just do a fade on him.  

do you mean to ghosted?

[bananabear9]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't want to talk as much as you do. Why did you seek out someone you'll never meet and don't even speak the same language as?

You are trying to build something out of nothing.

A better approach would be to ask your parents to take you to a doctor for an evaluation of your social withdrawal and a referral to a therapist for your self esteem issues.

You can't get better by catfishing or being catfished.

 

hmm I will call my doctor now. thank you. also, I did think his pictures looked familiar so i reversed googled search him and found he is catfishing with pictures of someone named Jake Gilinski. thanks for the tip!you were 100% right. i will discontinue chatting with him since he may be a 45 year old rando

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, bananabear9 said:

Anyway, around May I used the tinder passport feature to switch my location to Boston, MA to see what people there were like. I matched with this guy from the Netherlands (??) and we started talking. He is very nice and his English is really good despite him not being a native speaker. He was answering relatively quickly at first but later, I asked if he had a sc or instagram or something (usually I don't like talking on snapchat but since he doesn't have an American phone- I can't really ask for his number). He then told me about this app he got due to an ex called KakaoTalk (like Whatsapp). So I downloaded it around July and we have been talking there since.

Does he not use What's App? Or do you not? I live in Europe as well and everyone and their grandmother uses What's App here. I have an Italian number and use it all the time to talk to friends and family at home in Canada. Not having an American number doesn't mean you can't use a foreign number with the app - unless he doesn't want to give you his number. Maybe he is married. Maybe he just wasn't that interested. 

Anyway, it appears as though you've discovered that he's not who he says he is. Now that you know that you should forget him, take it as an important lesson: don't try to start something with an online stranger, especially one that's so far away. It's not the way to build a good relationship because you can't really get clear sense of who the other person is, nor can you spend enough time together in person to develop a proper relationship. It is far too difficult to make something like this work, which is why the majority of these very long-distance, online situations fail. 

Date local guys instead. 

[d0nnivain]

Good for you for figuring out this scam. 

What you described wasn't a Long Distance Relationship.  An LDR is where people start out dating conventionally & somebody moved away for school or a job but they try to keep the connection going & they meet.  You tried to have a OLR -- on line relationship where you never meet & there are no meaningful chances you would ever close the gap.  OLRs are bad & almost always lead to heart break. 

With Covid & the lock downs, OLD is about the only way to meet but it's not a great idea.  Something organic that develops after a real life connection is generally preferable, reduces ghosting, & lands you a less flaky match. 

You have had dates so that is good.  You need to be way less intense about things.  Your stress is probably what makes the dates awkward.  You need to develop more of a go with the flow attitude.  A 1st meet off OLD is solely to decide if the person is worth going on a an actual date with.  A 1st date is solely to determine if they are worth a 2nd date.  The system weeds out unacceptable people but gives you no more then a glance into the next date, possibly next week.  You don't have to figure out if you will spend the rest of your life with somebody through these early dates so stop trying.  

When you have a non-responsive person like this catfish guy then you know he's not interested enough so you detach & move on.  

Happy hunting.  

[ShyViolet]

I think it's a horrible idea for you to get involved or invested in a long distance relationship.  You say that you have low self-esteem and you've had trouble with normal dating, that it's been very awkward.  I almost wonder if you chose to pursue a LDR in order to subconsciously avoid having to interact with someone in-person, to hide behind a screen because that's more comfortable for you.  Having a LDR is going to reinforce your social difficulties.  What you really need to do is date locally and interact with people.  You need more practice in normal, in-person dating.  You will get better at it.  But there's no way you'll get better at it if you avoid it.

[Redhead14]

A first in-person relationship is difficult to navigate.  Adding the layer of LDR to it, will cause extreme anxiety and will lack the real foundation it needs to flourish.  LDR is difficult unless the relationship has been well rooted and stablized before the LDR comes into play.  Good luck wid dat.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, bananabear9 said:

hmm I will call my doctor now. thank you. also, I did think his pictures looked familiar so i reversed googled search him and found he is catfishing with pictures of someone named Jake Gilinski. thanks for the tip!you were 100% right. i will discontinue chatting with him since he may be a 45 year old rando

Excellent. Be careful and you have now had a great lesson why.