Even after 7 years I still hope for reconciliation :UPDATE MY STORY SO FAR

[SaltPalpitation]

A few things have happened since my last update. We went on a third date and were intimate again. But as some of you have mentioned he has said in no uncertain terms does this mean we're getting back together. He's still worried i might hurt him like i did in the past. And hes also said although its been 7 hears he still cant unsee what he saw on that video.
When the pandemic hit he moved me back into our marital home, although i have been in the spare room we do spend most of our nights together in his bed but just cuddling - which leaves me confused.

He's still been communicating with his ex (med student in Germany) and she's basically become a hero both my ex and my daughter. (which she honestly she is for being at the forefront of this crisis). She has stated that she is still very much in love with my ex but respects the fact that he chose to end it with her and that hes moved me into our home again.
As for me and my daughter, its gotten better. But still strained. And she still doesnt trust me aswell but at least we are speaking again.
My son however is under the impression that our family is back together again and hes been visibly more excited about life ever since.

I have to live with the fact that i did this but i still hope that this is the foundation for something more in the future. My ex has started going back to his old habits of bringing me coffee in bed and rubbing my head when I have a headache. Basically being his ever-loving and thoughtful self. It hurts that i may be a placeholder at least for now but i wont stop trying.

Once again thank you all for the advice. If you have any tips on how I can move forward please advise.

[schlumpy]

Looks like you are "In Like Flynn."

Consequences can really turn you around.

[mark clemson]

To me this seems like a test run/trying out full reconciliation/being back together with you. It seems to be done very much on his terms, but I guess that's the situation you must accept for now if you want to try. I don't think there is a guarantee of it continuing, but I think certainly it could. I'm not sure what would "tip the scales" back to it being a more "full" relationship, perhaps time/comfort/inertia will accomplish that, not sure.

[Dimjo9]

7 hours ago, SaltPalpitation said:

A few things have happened since my last update. We went on a third date and were intimate again. But as some of you have mentioned he has said in no uncertain terms does this mean we're getting back together. He's still worried i might hurt him like i did in the past. And hes also said although its been 7 hears he still cant unsee what he saw on that video.
When the pandemic hit he moved me back into our marital home, although i have been in the spare room we do spend most of our nights together in his bed but just cuddling - which leaves me confused.

He's still been communicating with his ex (med student in Germany) and she's basically become a hero both my ex and my daughter. (which she honestly she is for being at the forefront of this crisis). She has stated that she is still very much in love with my ex but respects the fact that he chose to end it with her and that hes moved me into our home again.
As for me and my daughter, its gotten better. But still strained. And she still doesnt trust me aswell but at least we are speaking again.
My son however is under the impression that our family is back together again and hes been visibly more excited about life ever since.

I have to live with the fact that i did this but i still hope that this is the foundation for something more in the future. My ex has started going back to his old habits of bringing me coffee in bed and rubbing my head when I have a headache. Basically being his ever-loving and thoughtful self. It hurts that i may be a placeholder at least for now but i wont stop trying.

Once again thank you all for the advice. If you have any tips on how I can move forward please advise.

Hi Salt,

For now you will be a convenient Lay - sounds awful but it is what it is.. Since u are hoping for reconciliation just wait & see.

Your daughter has all the reasons of not trusting u let it be @ be civil.

Healthcare workers ( Dr, Nurses, interns ) are modern day heroes.. U can ask your ExH in all honesty if he still cares for her ? 

For him not conmitting to you is a wise move he’s very careful & learned his lessons.. u might be doing penance for the rest of your life.. This is part of the sacrifice U need to do..

By moving you back to the marital home is like u winning the Lottery.. Huge bonus on your part..

 

 

[Dimjo9]

On 8/10/2020 at 7:02 AM, SaltPalpitation said:

My son however is under the impression that our family is back together again and hes been visibly more excited about life ever since.

Salt, you have to really explain that this is just for the moment & don't expect anything, Be completely honest with your son about what you did. Your whole family was the chips in the gambling table when u did it with OM.. Unfortunately the cards didn't go your way.. " Cheating destroys relationships, what is done in darkness will go into the light"  Him growing up in a broken family is very tough.. Had you weigh everything ( advantage & disadvantage ) you will not entertain the OM.. BTW hows OM now ? Have u told his wife & confessed too ? She has the right to hear it .. 

[Dimjo9]

On 8/10/2020 at 7:02 AM, SaltPalpitation said:

He's still been communicating with his ex (med student in Germany) and she's basically become a hero both my ex and my daughter. (which she honestly she is for being at the forefront of this crisis).

Salt, in the eyes of the Med Student your EXH is also her Hero.. By moving you back to the marital home he became a Knight in Shining Armor.. Your daughter is protective of her father which is normal. Integrity & trust when broken is so hard to restore.. If u are truly remorseful then inform the OM's wife & ask for forgiveness too.. Tell your exH this will show you are serious for penance...

You might want to allow him the freedom of open relationship.. Enjoy the moment & don"t say anything,, This might agitate him.. Until the time he has enough then commitment with you might come.. You already gambled with your family's future nothing to lose for u.. this might work..

 

[assertives]

12 minutes ago, Dimjo9 said:

hows OM now ? Have u told his wife & confessed too ? She has the right to hear it .. 

If I remembered correctly, the OM was single when the affair happened.

[Buffer]

Salt, I am glad you have moved back in with your exH. 
Hopefully, you can build the trust relationship back to a level, where your exH can feel safe with you. Safe, he stills see’s the video, of course he is going to have these triggers. Your action is to make him feel safe, you are sorry for the hurt, pain etc.  He has to see that you IC, is ongoing. Be supportive, he will see this.

 Your exH’s friend is content that he has moved you back. Please don’t think it is a competition. She is a trusted friend to both of exH and DD. Accept this and move fwd with the family. Actively talk about this, but nothing derogatory , that will only get them off side.

Please keep talking through with issues with your DD. She is unsure as to why you hurt her dad, then wants back. 
Good luck, hopefully you all become one family again.
You are R material.

one day at a time

Buffer

 

 

Edited August 13, 2020 by Buffer
Spelling, size six fingers on a size four keyboard

[usa1ah]

Sorry to say but I will stick with what I said before. 
 

I hope his med student returns and they get back together. I can’t see anyway you could ever make up for what you did to your family, not just your husband. Your daughter will start to lose respect for her dad for getting back with you. 

[Dimjo9]

Hi USA1ah,

Her entire family was used as Chips in the gamble she did..

The H is a good man i have a feeling the Med Student won’t let him go.. They are on a cool off period..

By taking her back to the marital home during the pandemic is an act of chivalry & showed the H gentle side..

”Hope Springs Eternal” she will have an entire lifetime to do penance

[understand50]

SaltPalpitation

Look,  hope springs eternal.  Moving back in is a hopeful sign, but it also means you have to keep working on reconciliation.  Your Ex may be open tot he idea, but it will be up to you to show you are a good bet for it.  The fact that your children, want mom and dad back together is a help, but it will not be the only thing.  Here is a question.  Have you changed from the woman your were when you cheated?   Look closely and honestly at yourself.  Cheating, is a self centered thing, both sexes.   Are you willing to put your husband and family first now?  IF not, you should walk away, but if you are willing, you need to find away to show this to your Ex.  We, I, cannot tell you how,   because it is different for every couple and person.   I think it does start by asking yourself hard questions and know why you cheated.  You must play the long game, as this will take time.

I wish you luck....