Issues with best friend

[OkHiHo1984]

Hey all. New here and embarrassed that I’m taking to a message board to vent and ask for advice, but I feel like I have no other choice. 
 

My long time boyfriend and I recently started talking about getting engaged and we’ve been ring shopping together. When we first started talking about getting engaged in April I didn’t feel like I could really bring it up to my two best friends because they are both single and both recently went through bad break ups. I don’t want to brag about my relationship, when they are both hurting. I find it unfair that I can’t share my happiness and enthusiasm, but I can’t let it go because I love them. 
 

Recently, I have found myself becoming insecure in my relationship. My soon to be fiancé has been super understanding of my insecurities and he’s doing what he can to not set off land mines within my own mind, but the stronger our bond grows and the deeper I fall in love, the more insecure I become. I’ve had bad, toxic relationships in the past so I think some of those feelings are starting to surface. I’m going to start therapy because I don’t want to bring those issues into our marriage, when we finally do get engaged / married.
 

I reached out to my two best friends (via text) expressing my feelings of insecurity and my fear that maybe he’s getting cold feet and one response was “you’ll be fine. He hasn’t left you yet” I sent a long text and got only a few words in reply. I texted the other friend, hoping for some comfort, and I didn’t even get a response back. 
 

when both of them went through their break ups I dropped everything to be there for them. I took best friend 1 away for the weekend, on my dime no less, to get her mind off her feelings. I have cancelled date night plans and family dinner with my significant other and his family to be There for best friend 2 when she was going through her break up. When best friend 2 does reply, it’s usually not about what I’m talking about - it’s to rehash stuff about her break up (which happened months ago).

I feel lost, saddened, used, (maybe a little childish for caring), and just plain angry that these are the responses I’m getting in return. I’ve been there for them, countless times and I’m disappointed that it’s not reciprocated. I’m disappointed that I can’t share happy news because I don’t want to hurt them. I’m disappointed that I can’t seek advice because I’m either ignored or given half assed responses. 
 

idk what to do but feeling friendless is pretty sh*tty  

Edited August 10, 2020 by OkHiHo1984

[Wiseman2]

A good therapist may be a better option if you have relationship doubts and fears about past toxic relationships. It could also help you not to expect too much from friends. You could also discuss things with your bf.

[OkHiHo1984]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A good therapist may be a better option if you have relationship doubts and fears about past toxic relationships. It could also help you not to expect too much from friends. You could also discuss things with your bf.

I talk to him about everything, and he’s super understanding. My insecurities are deeply rooted in me because of my past. He’s great, but I know that it’ll take more than reassurance from him to work through those issues, hence the upcoming appointment with the therapist. 
 

Also, I don’t think wanting a reply back is expecting too much. I just want a reciprocal friendship. I make myself available, but when I want someone present I get crickets. I manage my expectations just fine and I know not everyone can be a friend all the time, but my point is that when you reach out to someone and they don’t reply at all, its s***ty. 

[ShyViolet]

They're just not being good friends.  I know you said they recently went through bad breakups, but that isn't a reason to be such bad friends.  You also mentioned that for at least one of them, the breakup was months ago.  So I don't buy the excuse that the only reason they're being like this is because of their breakups.  Maybe they've decided that they're not really interested in being friends anymore.  Talk to your therapist about your insecurities, not these friends.  And maybe get some new friends.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, OkHiHo1984 said:

I talk to him about everything, and he’s super understanding. My insecurities are deeply rooted in me because of my past. He’s great, but I know that it’ll take more than reassurance from him to work through those issues, hence the upcoming appointment with the therapist. 
 

Also, I don’t think wanting a reply back is expecting too much. I just want a reciprocal friendship. I make myself available, but when I want someone present I get crickets. I manage my expectations just fine and I know not everyone can be a friend all the time, but my point is that when you reach out to someone and they don’t reply at all, its s***ty. 

It is s***ty. And you have my sympathy.

Now that you know they're not the reciprocating type, it's time to stop doing so much for them. Maybe down the road you will have close friends who are worthier of the title. For now, though, focus on yourself and your relationship.

[MK2020]

Yep, I agree with people who replied previously. Live and learn... but it does hurt when you invest all of the energy into friends and you get no empathy From them when you need it... you mentioned being in toxic relationships before.. sometimes people pleasers (I had issues with being “nice”) and codependents attract people who are toxic.. You therapist will be able to point that to you if they notice that you are being manipulated.  Overall it sounds to me that you did not lose anything... but the two ladies lost a great dependable empathic friend.   Focus on your fiancé and good luck...