Is this bad boundaries or am I over-reacting....

[MK2020]

I (33 yr old female) met a new friend (34 yr old single lady) through a group of other mutual friends and we immediately had good chemistry. She found me funny, appeared to genuinely want to find out more about me and my background,  and she would always sit next to me and would even occasionally rest her head on my shoulder.  I enjoyed her company too... I felt like she was kind, smart, and a good listener. We would always hang out with other people. However the fifth time I saw her we hung out together alone for the first time. She decided she wanted to cook for me and after dinner we watched tv in her living room. Our conversation was kind of boring but not super uncomfortable. After all I liked her but I did not know her that well.   At one point, out of nowhere she disconnected eye contact and started staring at the floor kind of tearyeyed but not crying.  And she started telling me how she thinks that when she was a kid her dads friend abused her but that she does not remember much.  Supposedly she repressed whatever happened.  That took me by surprise and I did not even know how to reply to that.  I tried to comfort her the best way I knew how.  And then she said something like I just wanted you to know what kind of girl I am (in a mushy soft type of voice).  She seemed happy and fine as soon as she realized I did not freak out or run away from her.  She gave me a hug and we went out to meet up with some other people.  Also before we left her house she asked me if I would come to visit her agin (we live in different states). 

Can somebody elaborate on this behaviour?  Has anyone had similar experience?  Is this a red flag or “normal” behavior?  Why did she confess to me out of the blue (especially since I am still getting to know her, etc)? I would really appreciate some input.  Thanks in advance.

[MK2020]

🧐

[d0nnivain]

She is not a great prospect for  being somebody you can trust or emotionally rely on.  Putting her head on your shoulder so soon after meeting you is overstepping a BIG boundary.  On your 5th meeting to divulge all that super personal stuff to you out of nowhere is way over the top.  The woman has no boundaries & can't keep her own counsel.  

Be her friend but understand she is an emotional siphon.  She has some deep-seated psychological problems.  Whatever abuse she suffered has damaged her to the point where she's desperate for love.  Do be kind to her but understand you can't fix her & she will suck energy out of you.  

Whatever you do, do not trust her with secrets or confidences of yours.  She will most likely be quick to spill any gossip.  She has poor boundaries & little filter. 

I genuinely feel sorry for her & hope she gets meaningful help.  Your friendship is no substitute or psychotherapy,  

Edited August 11, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, I've heard it said that a counselor is a paid friend. 

It would have been more "proper" for her to share this with a more established friend than a brand new one, or to discuss it with a counselor. But she's not forcing anything on you.

It's become clear that sexual abuse is an extremely pervasive problem. I think it's healthy to get this out in the open and be supportive of friends who've gone through it so they can heal. Sounds like she isn't sure how to deal with it, but wants to feel OK after what she's been through - which seems to be how it went with you.