On break - fights and fighting

[Kev Mak]

I have been in a 2 year relationship with a girl (we don't live together)

I see many good qualities in her but i just can't take the bad. 

What i'd like to understand here is if i am reasonable to want to fight less so that i can understand what is and isnt normal in a healthy relationship. I feel she is the one picking fights in our relationship.

Once she asked me to get bread at the local store, i said i didnt really want to go again as i had just been in the morning only a few hours prior. She got really mad and stormed off into the other room when i said no.

When we fight i also ask for space so that we can discuss things when we are calmer, she then does the opposite and peppers me with questions in order to "finish" the fight. 

I have a bit of a larger chest which i am conscious of. Once she said "I give her a run for her money", i got a bit mad when she said that, and she just goes "oh i was just playing". 

She also does something which is regular that i cannot stand, she will say i don't love her when she doesnt get the response that she wants to something. 

She also has a number of mental health issues, stemming from supposedly prior abusive relationships and a harsh and supposedly abusive father. She has done a few suicide threats which have left my own mental health in anxiety at times, she says she is trying to get help, i feel i dont have to be the one to help her, and that she doesn't really know what it feels like to hear a significant other say things like "What if i wasn't around one day? Would you wish you had spoken to me better?".

However, she acts perfect when we are on break or when i am nearly out the door. 

Is any of the above healthy or can it even be worked through?

 

[d0nnivain]

Stop with the BS breaks.  There is no such thing as time off from a relationship.  You are either together, dating & working on solving your problems together or you are broken up.  There is no middle.  The fact that you do this yo yo on again off again thing indicates that your relationship is dysfunctional.  

If she wanted bread & you didn't want to go get it, I can see her being miffed but to storm off is over the top.   Her crying that you don't love her when she doesn't get her way is petulant.   

[Kev Mak]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Stop with the BS breaks.  There is no such thing as time off from a relationship.  You are either together, dating & working on solving your problems together or you are broken up.  There is no middle.  The fact that you do this yo yo on again off again thing indicates that your relationship is dysfunctional.  

If she wanted bread & you didn't want to go get it, I can see her being miffed but to storm off is over the top.   Her crying that you don't love her when she doesn't get her way is petulant.   

I see you're point, you're right that the breaks dont really make sense and we shouldnt be in this "middle". I guess what i'd like to understand if that behaviour is normal or not. First relationship.

[Kev Mak]

The main thing i'm trying to find is if im going crazy or not with my own expectations of frequency and severity of arguements. I'd say it happens 3/4 times a month, and we see each other every weekend and maybe once during the week if we are not busy at work.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Kev Mak said:

I see you're point, you're right that the breaks dont really make sense and we shouldnt be in this "middle". I guess what i'd like to understand if that behaviour is normal or not. First relationship.

No, it is not normal. 

She is emotionally immature and manipulative. You need to end this; it's not a good relationship. 

[snowboy91]

It's less an issue of how much you fight as it is about how you fight. 

But in this case she sounds really selfish and prefers to try and "win" fights for her own gratification rather than come up with solutions that work for you both. If she chooses to treat you poorly, you have the choice to not be in contact with her and protect your sanity.

[Kev Mak]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, it is not normal. 

She is emotionally immature and manipulative. You need to end this; it's not a good relationship. 

I see, ok I think i understand the picture. 

[Kev Mak]

29 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

It's less an issue of how much you fight as it is about how you fight. 

But in this case she sounds really selfish and prefers to try and "win" fights for her own gratification rather than come up with solutions that work for you both. If she chooses to treat you poorly, you have the choice to not be in contact with her and protect your sanity.

Yeh basically it feels like she doesn't want to be abandoned but acts in a way that makes abandonment virtually certain. 

It is like she loves a childhood bunny but squeezes it so tight the head of the bunny falls off.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Kev Mak said:

It is like she loves a childhood bunny but squeezes it so tight the head of the bunny falls off.

Unfortunately you are incompatible. You don't respect or even seem to like her.

Stop the madness and the "breaks" and have the courage to end it.

[Kev Mak]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you are incompatible. You don't respect or even seem to like her.

Stop the madness and the "breaks" and have the courage to end it.

Thanks for all the honesty, its true I dont think we are compatible any more, i just wanted to find out if i wasn't going crazy to expect more in a relationship since its my first one.

 

I can clearly see no future and will end things.

[d0nnivain]

You are not going crazy.  3/4 fights per month is a Problem.  If you have more then 1 fight per year it's a problem.  That is not to say a couple won't disagree from time to time but open communication which involves listening to the other's point of view & finding a middle ground is the key.  In the example where she asked you to go to the store, you said no & she stormed off that was a bad thing.  When you realized how much the bread meant to her, you should have been more willing to be inconvenienced but when she realized that you had already gone to the store & were grumpy, she should have gone to the store herself.  

First relationships are tough because you are both learning.  The lesson here is an abject study in what not to do.  Now that you know this is a failure end it.  

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, Kev Mak said:

She also has a number of mental health issues...can it even be worked through?

So, IMO you need to recognize that someone with abuse issues who threatens suicide is above your paygrade in terms of the help she needs. You can't be her therapist - even IF you were qualified you'd have to recuse yourself due to the relationship.

Personally I don't think you should stay, as I think you will continue to be miserable with her on/off tendencies. I don't think she'll change without substantial therapy. Whether you stay or go, the bottom line is this woman needs therapy from a qualified therapist. Do you and her a favor and recognize this.

This is NOT a diagnosis, but some of what you describe sounds like borderline tendencies to me. IF it's that, well, those people are a true mindf**k from what I understand. She sounds like more than a bit of a mindf**k regardless of what her actual diagnosis might be.

[Kev Mak]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not going crazy.  3/4 fights per month is a Problem.  If you have more then 1 fight per year it's a problem.  That is not to say a couple won't disagree from time to time but open communication which involves listening to the other's point of view & finding a middle ground is the key.  In the example where she asked you to go to the store, you said no & she stormed off that was a bad thing.  When you realized how much the bread meant to her, you should have been more willing to be inconvenienced but when she realized that you had already gone to the store & were grumpy, she should have gone to the store herself.  

First relationships are tough because you are both learning.  The lesson here is an abject study in what not to do.  Now that you know this is a failure end it.  

Yeah its a first rel for me not for her. But yeah I realise now none of whats happened is working at all. I will be ending it no doubt.

[Kev Mak]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So, IMO you need to recognize that someone with abuse issues who threatens suicide is above your paygrade in terms of the help she needs. You can't be her therapist - even IF you were qualified you'd have to recuse yourself due to the relationship.

Personally I don't think you should stay, as I think you will continue to be miserable with her on/off tendencies. I don't think she'll change without substantial therapy. Whether you stay or go, the bottom line is this woman needs therapy from a qualified therapist. Do you and her a favor and recognize this.

This is NOT a diagnosis, but some of what you describe sounds like borderline tendencies to me. IF it's that, well, those people are a true mindf**k from what I understand. She sounds like more than a bit of a mindf**k regardless of what her actual diagnosis might be.

true, I have felt way out of my depth in handling such issues. She has been seeing a therapist but I realise it may take decades before she is better.

 

Thanks for all the insight. 

[chillii]

Thing is , whatever the reasons and excuses  , with someone like that what your seeing is what you'll be getting , a nice happy life of misery , they usually can't help themselves.

Edited August 12, 2020 by chillii

[Kev Mak]

On 8/12/2020 at 11:40 PM, chillii said:

Thing is , whatever the reasons and excuses  , with someone like that what your seeing is what you'll be getting , a nice happy life of misery , they usually can't help themselves.

Update: I ended things with her. She said that she has changed all of a sudden and that she'd be open to getting back together. Given how we were during the relationship, I will be going no contact so that she can move on.  

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Kev Mak said:

Update: I ended things with her. She said that she has changed all of a sudden and that she'd be open to getting back together. Given how we were during the relationship, I will be going no contact so that she can move on.  

Good for you, OP. 

She hasn't changed and this was a relationship with no future. You're going to be much better off. 

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, Kev Mak said:

She said that she has changed all of a sudden and that she'd be open to getting back together.

That's her trying to get her status quo back.  Typical manipulation tactic.  If you took the bait, you'd be back to fighting within a week.

Stick to your guns. You made the best decision.

Edited August 14, 2020 by kendahke

[basil67]

On 8/11/2020 at 6:30 PM, Kev Mak said:

Yeh basically it feels like she doesn't want to be abandoned but acts in a way that makes abandonment virtually certain. 

It is like she loves a childhood bunny but squeezes it so tight the head of the bunny falls off.

When someone has a history of terrible relationships, it must be considered that the person you are with was the cause.   In this case, when you end it, expect your name to be added to the list of terrible exes.   

In future, give someone with terrible stories about their dating history a wide berth.

[Kev Mak]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

When someone has a history of terrible relationships, it must be considered that the person you are with was the cause.   In this case, when you end it, expect your name to be added to the list of terrible exes.   

In future, give someone with terrible stories about their dating history a wide berth.

Yeh in the end now that I've come out of it for 2 days or so. I actually feel peaceful for the first time in a while. Too much conflict, dont know the extent of her pain from her past relationships etc but it was heavy, i could feel it.