How did you do it?

[1hadenough]

HOW?

Maybe my post is a little different. I am ready to separate from my wife for various reasons. 1 on of the many reasons is she is constantly overspending. She pushed us into bankruptcy 11 years ago. We fought and got back on out feet. I see us heading that way again after she has been laid off (Covid lay-off) but the spending hasn't slowed. We have 3 motorcycles and I have put mine up for say to save that monthly payment. I have stopped all my little extra stuff like Starbucks, eating lunch out, etc.

She has said flat out she would not sell her bikes. In my opinion she would rather have them repossessed than sell them. No idea why.

Her is my problem. We are living paycheck to paycheck and I cant afford to move out. I spoke with an attorney who of course wants 3700 up front to even begin. The attorney did tell me I can move out and change the bank account to my name. AS LONG AS I can continue to pay the bills. SOOO I cant afford to move out AND continue to pay the bills. I literally cant afford it.

Cant ask parents, Dont have friends (she pushed them away), Credit cards are pretty much maxed, Cant get a loan as I am still trying to get credit score up.

How have you afforded to move out. I am literally at my wits ends and feel I can never move on. Because of all this I have been diagnosed with depression and I don't want to continue living this way.

[schlumpy]

Get some third party help first. There are financial counselors that will sort out your finances and develop a plan for you to rise from wrack and ruin.

If after a solid explanation from the third party as to why a budget must be respected she says, "hell no," then one alternative is a legal separation where her bills are no longer your bills.

You could still live in the same house.

It's so difficult living with someone that has a spending compulsion and the ease with which you can borrow money doesn't help matters.

Be firm and ignore her threats in pursuit of financial independence.

[Wiseman2]

Check your credit scores. Get on Craigslist and start selling all unnecessary stuff. Get rid of expensive toys, phone and tv plans. Moving out won't help you.

You need to start severing finances. Get separate accounts. Pay off and stop using credit cards.

Get to your bank and accountant.

[d0nnivain]

A credit counselor is probably a good idea but you will have to start hiding money from her.  You also need to tell her that her spending is driving you away & out of the marriage. 

Have you ever sat down with a written budget to show her how bad the hemorrhaging is?    

[BaileyB]

Also my thought - time to separate your finances and “take over” paying the bills. I would severely restrict her access to the money. A lawyer will help you to protect yourself as you begin moving toward separation. 

Edited August 11, 2020 by BaileyB

[JRabbit]

Definitely need an escape plan.  This is not going to be quick so you need to stay focused on the end goal.  Start a new bank account and deposit what you can in there.  Agree with selling everything, sell whatever you can. Every little bit helps. You will only need enough to get you a room somewhere.

Can you ask her to move out? Does she have any idea you want out?

[1hadenough]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have already sold everything I can at the moment. I still have my motorcycle which I am finding do not hold value and most people wont pay the price I need.

As I mentioned we live paycheck to paycheck and squirreling away money is near impossible as the account is either in the hole or only a few dollars available. We also have custody of my 8 year old grandson (my daughters son) so I have to consider him.

She would not move out and when I talked about leaving before she said she would do whatever she could to destroy me. I work for the GOV and it would affect my security clearance if I get into to much financial trouble or if she accused me of anything. 

The lawyer I did speak with did give me some free advice but basically said unless I get paid your on your own.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, 1hadenough said:

She would not move out and when I talked about leaving before she said she would do whatever she could to destroy me. I work for the GOV and it would affect my security clearance if I get into to much financial trouble or if she accused me of anything. 

If you are married, either of you simply abandoning the other doesn't get either of you off the hook financially for all the debt. Does your daughter/the father pay child support for your grandchild? If not petition for it if you have legal custody.

It sounds like you spoke to a divorce attorney rather than your accountant, financial advisors, banks, creditors, etc. A divorce lawyer can't help you with debt incurred during your marriage.

Are you claiming the child on your taxes? It seems like some better financial advice could help you rather than pointing fingers and free consults with divorce lawyers. If you are just arguing about money, also try to come to terms with a better budget. 

[Blind-Sided]

On 8/10/2020 at 8:13 PM, 1hadenough said:

........... I spoke with an attorney who of course wants 3700 up front to even begin. .......

Cant ask parents, Dont have friends (she pushed them away), Credit cards are pretty much maxed, Cant get a loan as I am still trying to get credit score up.

How have you afforded to move out. I am literally at my wits ends and feel I can never move on. Because of all this I have been diagnosed with depression and I don't want to continue living this way.

First.... I'm sorry you are in this position.  

Second... Your lawyer wants too much.  I understand that lawyers will want to be paid... but it sounds like yours is asking too much.  There are A LOT of lawyers out there.  Go talk with another one, and DO NOT be sacred to ask how much it will cost. AND... make it clear that you don't even have the $$$ to move out.  I told my lawyer I didn't want to be "Nickled 'n Dimed" for every phone call, or question I had because I didn't know how money would be once things started moving.  (Unlike you, I was on the defense, as it was the exW who wanted out)  So, we came up with a price that would be a total... start to finish.   Since my divorce, I have talked with a few people who didn't talk about $$$ with the lawyer up front, and they would get random bills in the mail for $400 to $700 just because they had a phone call with them. 

Since the cards are maxed out... then you need to shut the current cards off !!  call each of them, and say... "I am going through a divorce, and this card needs to be locked of all spending."   The next thing will be to get a new card in your name so you have some money at your disposal.   While this wasn't really an issue in my divorce... the procedure was the same.  Spending on the "Joint" cards was suspended, and the exW and I both got cards in our own name. 

Unfortunately... If you can't afford to move out... then you just can't.  In my observations... most people can't, until the bills and debts start to get separated. Get an air mattress, and a sleeping bag... and just sleep in another room of the house..

 

On 8/12/2020 at 4:11 PM, 1hadenough said:

 I still have my motorcycle which I am finding do not hold value and most people wont pay the price I need.

The lawyer I did speak with did give me some free advice but basically said unless I get paid your on your own.

Unfortunately.... that's how it's always been.   Heck... even with a car.  You normally owe more than it's worth.  Not to mention... right now... people don't have the cash to buy a high $$$ motorcycle.  It's easier to go buy new, and just get a loan. (sorry about that)

With the GOV job, and the grandson... then you need to get a lawyer involved.  Make some calls, and tell them cash is tight, but you need to protect the kid.  Someone may take the case and keep it at a minimum. 

[Wiseman2]

You need a bankruptcy attorney, not a pricey divorce lawyer. Getting divorced will cost you and won't absolve marital debts 

The issue is your grandchild and too many adult toys and stuff. Why do you have custody of a grandchild and where is the child's father and child support?

[FudgeSwirl]

I really sorry about your situation with your wife and her intent to want to destroy you.  It's going to get her in the end because she is still going to be required to help pay off whatever debt she keeps putting you both in even with a divorce.

I know divorcing couples who temporarily lived in their marital house as roommates until they could secure a place to live and/or be there until the sale of the house.  While it is not a desirable situation it does happen and in your case I am sure it won't be a permanent arrangement.

If you don't have your own bank accounts separate from her, establish them with your current bank.  Then electronically transfer half of what are in your mutual accounts into those accounts and get a receipt as proof that you split the money with her.  When you see the balance is 0 from her overspending in your mutual accounts, close them.  Both parties do not have to be present to do this and when the banks questions the reason for the closure of these accounts you can be honest and say you are getting a divorce.

Cancel all your credit cards and get a couple only in your name.  Even if she has run your credit to the ground you will still be able to get new ones. 

If you live in the US, you don't need a lawyer to get divorced.  You can get a mediator (much cheaper) or do it on your own by accessing all the required papers online through your county's courthouse.  

Unfortunately if that is your lawyer's retainer fee that sounds about right and some will even ask for $5,000 up front but there are lawyers whose retainer fee are much lower.   Although you already have an established job maybe you can take also take on something part time just so you can afford the divorce expenses and  someone like a financial advisor.