I am the most successful I have ever been, and have never been lonelier

[d0nnivain]

Guarded is OK.  Just don't let it become closed off.  Lifelong friendships have ebbs & flows. 

[Kitchen]

17 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Guarded is OK.  Just don't let it become closed off.  Lifelong friendships have ebbs & flows. 

How do you be guarded without becoming closed off? Haha, it's a tough balancing act

[Lucy256]

On 8/11/2020 at 10:35 AM, Kitchen said:

They say true success is measured not by how much money you make, but by how many people love you.

Truer words have never been spoken. I am 32, male, and I over the last year I've both made significant advances in my career and more money than I ever made before.

It's not like my life is dedicated to work, hardly so. I work hard enough but not too hard that it shuns my family and friends. Most of my weekends are free, and I don't think I have put in more than 40-50 hours of work in a week.

I'm well educated, knowledgeable about the world, financially savvy, have good parents and siblings, and we are all close. But otherwise, I am so lonely.

I don't have nearly as many quality friends as I need. When I say "quality" friends, I mean those with whom you can can interact with on regular basis. COVID means no meeting in person, which is fine, but I barely have any text or video interaction. My best friend, let's call him Jose, whom I spent much of my early and mid twenties with moved to a different city a few years ago, and our friendship changed, understandably, when he found a girlfriend and got engaged. 

I've had a few other friends move away as well. I am in a big city, not in the middle of nowhere.

I wish I had a solid group. Right now, all I crave for is a group, of maybe 3-4 buddies with whom I can have a whatsapp group with. That's all I want. I once had that with Jose and a few other guys, like 5 years ago, but we all fell apart. I have a few individual friends who are a part of other groups and have that. I have attempted to create groups with a few people but the chemistry between the group was never there and it never went anywhere.

Ironically, the friendship that Jose and I shared was probably greater than most male friends experience with each other. It was really special. I'm not even longing for that specifically; like I said, it's been about 5 years since he found a girlfriend and moved away. I did find another friend, let's call him Jonathan, whom I formed a close friendship with over the last 3 years, but we haven't talked in some time.

When I was young - grade school, middle, high school, and even early college, I had no friends. It was such a lonely time. My parents were concerned, and then even embarrassed that their son had no friends. That was childhood for me. College like I said, it got better. And then in my twenties my social life exploded. Not just because of Jose, but because of so many other people. I had 2 different big groups. Everything was ecstatic. I literally call that period my "Golden Twenties", and much like what happened in the financial golden twenties, everything seemingly collapsed overnight.

It's not like I didn't try. Pre-COVID I was a frequent user of Meetups and Couchsurfing apps. I would go out many times alone just to meet new strangers through these groups. I've even traveled alone numerous times and met good, fun people. But I'm not looking for metaphorical "one night stands", I'm looking for something much deeper.

What I would give up just to have 2-3 buddies to have beers with regularly or share a Whatsapp Group with, you don't even know.

For anyone who was kind enough to read this, thank you.

I’m sure a lot of people can relate to this! 
I had the exact same problem, everything in my life was solid but I felt I didn’t have any ‘quality’ friends. My best friend for 17 years was still very close to me, but I’d changed so much as a person and she hadn’t so I didn’t feel any deepness to the relationship anymore. 

I know this is super hard during Covid, because meeting people in person is so important to drum up friendship chemistry. It’s not something we’re taught to do, but whenever and wherever you are, if you find someone appealing as a person and would like to be their friend, just ask for their social media. Or ask if they’d like to grab a coffee or a beer sometime. You might be surprised how many people would so appreciate that, and are looking for the same thing. Easier said than done, I know! But the first time a woman I’d been talking to asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime, it was so nice!! And now we are good friends haha. 

I agree wholeheartedly with the advice here too, take up a hobby. Make it one where it’s hands on and teamwork is involved. But also, and this is kind of weird, but do you have a dog? After I got my dog I made 4 amazing new friends, from all walks of life, from the dog park haha! You stand around watching your dogs play, so it’s a good chance to talk to someone for an extended period and you see them on a regular basis. It’s easy to build up a friendship in that situation. Now we all hang out together as a group sometimes.

I also don’t think it’s true that friendships later in life are by definition more shallow than older ones. 

[OrbitalKat]

I think a lot has been said already. Life indeed change and priorities change in friends' lives and that's OK. Friendhsips are not family relationships and some are in our life just for a season.

You can make new friends in your 30s and beyond and you can form close friendships. But you have to work at it and also accept that it takes time, a few years of constant effort. COVID makes it difficult now.

You also need a girlfriend in addition to these friends making efforts. No, they are not fake, it's just like with dating, you have to put yourself out there. If you want something, go get it, don't sit back and wait for it from others and get upset when they don't deliver. 

Significant others and family will always take priority over friends in most people's lives. It just a fact. No use to get angry about that.

A couple of years ago I started to think about what will I do when my child leaves the house and I'm an empty nester. I started to prepare. I joined a book club. I recently also joined a movie club. These meet once a month regularly. It takes time but the book club starts to feel close finally. You can't go to three meetings and decide you're done. I also tried a "mindfulness" group but that didn't stick, I didn't click with the people there. I gave it a chance, I went for about a year. 

I brought another friend to the book club but she says that she doesn't like that she has to read certain books chosen by the club and it feels like work. At the same time, she complains she's lonely too being an empty nester and wishes she had more friends. Well, I don't care to read what I am assigned either and it is indeed like homework. When you made friends in college you were there for homework also in a way , no? I do it and treat it as homework so I can build a group of friends. I also don't  prefer to watch movies (I prefer TV shows) but watch what I"m assigned for the same reason. It's not like I hate to read or watch movies, it's just that I usually read different type of books on my own time and I mostly watch TV shows, and only the occasional movie. But it's not like some horrible hardship to read a book or watch a movie, I like it once I start. I can do it and I think it's worth it. The mindfulness group I decided at some point that I can't take and the personality of people there didn't match mine, so I dropped it. The book club now feels like friends but it's been two years. The movie club is newer but I"m working on it.

In summary, make the effort and make things happen. Everything worth having is outside your comfort zone.

Edited September 2, 2020 by OrbitalKat

[kismetkismet]

Friendships are so hard in adulthood because we're all so busy that it's difficult to see people enough to form a close bond with them. Especially when meeting NEW friends. 

Do you have any hobbies? I find the best way to spend regular time with people is when you have some kind of purpose to have regular meet ups. Sports/physical activity are especially great because then it also has a productive purpose and is easier to make time for. I think my group of friends mainly became close because we had a standing hang out every weds. It started as a bar hangout to break up the week, but as we got older and our livers became more dishevelled we changed it to watching a terrible movie or show that we could laugh at together (featuring: the room, Americas Next Top Model, that movie with Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan). Board games or watching a sports team could be good as well. 

Edited September 15, 2020 by kismetkismet