Married someone you were never attracted to

[QuietRiot]

A good friend of mine had a marriage end a couple of years back because her husband never had an attraction to her in the first place. Surprisingly, they had 2 kids together, so obviously his physical needs were being met. I was kind of surprised that this was the news he shared with her as she said it was he was simply lonely and desperate for companionship...which was the driving factor to marrying her. 

A long time ago, I came across a woman on a dating site that was going through a divorce, married approx. the same amount of time, no kids though, but she stated she never was ever attracted to him since the beginning.

I was thinking, "I wonder how that honeymoon went?"

But I think it was the pressures of her other friends marrying their high school sweet hearts. You see, around here, everyone gets married soon after they graduate high school, and it's typically to whomever they dated in high school. It was just something that happened in small towns.

Then I recall another that married a guy, had a kid with him, then divorced him. Admitted to having never been attracted to him since the beginning. Made me wonder if she did it just so she could have the kid? I don' t know, but what are your thoughts on this? You know people that had been married for a long time, only to reveal that since the beginning, they've NEVER had an attraction to their partners?

[basil67]

Marrying for attraction or love is a relatively new fashion.   Traditionally, marriage was a financial arrangement.

[Wiseman2]

Are these your friends or people you dated?

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

I don' t know, but what are your thoughts on this?

It certainly can happen. I think some folks feel social, financial, or possibly other pressure (such as the desire for children) and marry more due to that than to actual "love" for their partner.

It's also useful to keep in mind that not everyone has particularly realistic views of what "love" or "attraction" should be.

As one example if they had full-fledged limerence for someone they couldn't have, and (like probably the vast majority of people) don't understand that brain chemistry changes normally prevent that from happening again any time soon. If these people are judging a normal, healthy relationship against the addictive "need" of limerence, their idea of "love" may be vastly skewed and they may feel they "never really loved" their partner or what have you, even though it was actually a perfectly good relationship.

As another example, there are people who unrealistically expect "100% compatibility" from a partner, etc.

So there are a lot of ways this sort of thing can happen. Including, in some cases, just picking whoever's available and marrying them because "it's time" and they're hoping to have a family one day, etc.

Edited August 11, 2020 by mark clemson

[Ruby Slippers]

I've dated a few older divorced men who realized during their marriage that their wife married them primarily because they made a lot of money, never had any real feelings of affection or maybe even attraction. I think it's very common. Like most women, I've had those opportunities, but I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror every day, using some guy like that.

A lot of men do similar, marry the first woman who'll have him because he's insecure, desperate for reliable sex, scared he'll never be able to find better.

Many people are in relationships of heavy compromise. I feel extremely thankful and lucky that I live in a time and place and have the means to choose something better for myself.

Edited August 11, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[regine_phalange]

This would be my worst nightmare, whether I was the attracted one or not. But I can see it working for asexual or/and aromantic people. 

[elaine567]

I think a lot of people find they are "in a relationship" when the right time to marry comes along.
They may not be head over heels, but a relationship is better than having no-one, so they opt for the bird in the hand as  opposed to throwing themselves back into a dating jungle looking for the mythical birds in the bush... 
They weigh up their options and accept they are likely to not find better or they are too lazy or even scared to test the waters.
On hindsight they feel they could have done better but realistically maybe not.... 

[Caauug]

Good topic. This could go really deep if you want to get into the meanings of some of the words. Attraction, Value, Lust and Love. They could mean different things to different people or to the different sexes as both males and females love differently and in different ways. 

On 8/11/2020 at 6:04 PM, QuietRiot said:

….another that married a guy, had a kid with him, then divorced him. Admitted to having never been attracted to him since the beginning. Made me wonder if she did it just so she could have the kid?

Likely Yes.... Because she can. Next question was the kid his? Or was the marriage to cover the ONS/fling with Chad/Tyrone and to get a "Daddy Provider" on the hook to support the child growing up? 

[Weezy1973]

My first long term girlfriend was someone I wasn’t particularly attracted to physically. Mentally she was great; we had a ton in common and it was a really good relationship. Except of course for the physical aspect. And ultimately that’s why it ended. 
 

My next girlfriend I was extremely attracted to and the physical elements were off the charts, however we never really connected mentally and the relationship as a whole was pretty dysfunctional.

 

If I had to choose, I’d take the first relationship hands down. Luckily I eventually met someone who checked all the boxes, but it took long time to do so...

[Lotsgoingon]

A lot of people feel such pressure to get married ... and let's face it ... older people aren't exactly helpful in talking about the importance of attraction and sexual connection ... so this is an easy mistake to make. 

Very easy to end up with someone you're not attracted to when that person has a ton of good qualities and when you think they're good looking. The problem is me thinking someone is good looking does not mean I'm attracted to them.

OK, we need to clear up something. 

A good friend of mine had a marriage end a couple of years back because her husband never had an attraction to her in the first place. Surprisingly, they had 2 kids together, so obviously his physical needs were being met.

There is nothing surprising here. People, men and women, can get aroused with people they are very unattracted to ... they fantasize about being with another person ... just connect with the immediate physical sensation as opposed to the delight of being with a person ... So having two kids or ten kids does not indicate someone "getting physical needs" met. Sex is not a need like food. And having sex with someone doesn't mean you're attracted to them. 

 

 

 

[QuietRiot]

On 8/11/2020 at 1:34 PM, elaine567 said:

I think a lot of people find they are "in a relationship" when the right time to marry comes along.
They may not be head over heels, but a relationship is better than having no-one, so they opt for the bird in the hand as  opposed to throwing themselves back into a dating jungle looking for the mythical birds in the bush... 
They weigh up their options and accept they are likely to not find better or they are too lazy or even scared to test the waters.
On hindsight they feel they could have done better but realistically maybe not.... 

Funny you mentioned this, the bolded made met think of a previously married woman that was married for about 20 years. She was a part of our social circle, beleive it or not, and was the only MARRIED woman in our group. Not sure if anyone has heard of the "Meetup" site, but she was part of a small town social club. Her husband apparently worked weekends (Mainly Fri and Sat nights) and she had nothing to do those nights, but spend her time among single people in the group.

She was very attractive, but sadly, single men who rushed to talk to her were disappointed to find out she's married. I did find it odd that she would continuously go out without her husband. As she got to know some of the gents there, she'd even get a little flirty over time with us.

I was chatting with her online, talking about the dregs of being single and dating. She told me she was a designated driver for her single gal pals a few time when hitting the dance clubs with her middle-aged friends. lol. She would hear the nightmarish horror stories her single friends would experience in the dating world.

ANd she expresed. "Glad I'm married, I don't have to deal with that crap!"

A year later, after her kid went off to college, I saw her appear on POF and later, her last name was changed back to her maiden name on FB.  Found out she divorced. lol

[Trail Blazer]

I can certainly relate.  I married and two kids with a woman I wasn't overly attracted to.  I was young, things happened quickly.

 

[MeadowFlower]

What about love. They obviously didn't marry because of love. If they did, they wouldn't be getting divorced, irregardless of the lack of attraction at any point. 

[basil67]

@MeadowFlower Love needs to be maintained.   A relationship where the couple marries for love will end in divorce (or mutual apathy) if they don't work on keeping love alive.   Or, a deal breaker can rear it's head and blows that love out of the water.  

 

[Woggle]

It is a bad idea. Being the settle guy that a woman is not really hot for is the lowest level a man can achieve in life. Imagine busting your butt for a woman who recoils at your touch. Could never be me.

[jspice]

But isn’t this what you want? 
 

You’ve had tons of threads about women who won’t give you a chance. The women on OLD platforms for years but they don’t want to date you. 
The women you try to talk to at Meetup events who won’t date you. 
 

You want these women to give you a chance even when they’re not attracted to you. Marrying someone you’re not attracted to is what happens when women date you just because you’re the only two single people in a “backwater town” .

So which is it? 

[Veronica73]

18 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

What about love. They obviously didn't marry because of love. If they did, they wouldn't be getting divorced, irregardless of the lack of attraction at any point. 

This isn’t true at all. Marriage is hard. Unexpected things happen. Things change. Nobody is perfect. Mistakes are made. None of this means people don’t love each other.

[Els]

It happens, especially in traditional cultures. I definitely know quite a few people (of both genders) who got married simply because "it was time to settle down", so they just went with a person who fit the desired characteristics (including being endorsed by their parents, etc) and was willing. Getting married for love, to a person you are attracted to, is a fairly modern/progressive concept.

Why are you affronted? Isn't this exactly the kind of thing that is desired by the incels and other people who subscribe to the belief that women should all be "assigned" to men so no man will struggle with dating?

[rjc149]

On 8/12/2020 at 8:05 AM, Caauug said:

Next question was the kid his? Or was the marriage to cover the ONS/fling with Chad/Tyrone and to get a "Daddy Provider" on the hook to support the child growing up? 

Lol this is a red pill myth that I think happens like .0005% of the time. 

[rjc149]

Yes, I think marrying someone you're not sexually passionate about is a thing that happens more often than not. 

Marrying for love, then divorcing a few years later when the fireworks are over, is also a thing that happens too.

[StandingO]

Sad actually. One could love them but maybe never fell in love with them. Our female friend essentially did to her husband this. She did love him in her own way but admitted she was never in-love with him or that attracted to him. Was a bit shocking to learn at first but looking back it is kind of obvious. She was revealed she was attracted to me.  She was my girl friends work out partner to boot.  For myself I could never marry or settle for someone I was not attracted too.  

[kismetkismet]

An old friend of mine admitted to me (after a few too many wines) that she was not attracted to her fiance and did not want to marry him, but she just wasn't sure anyone else would ever want to marry her. She had pretty bad self esteem issues and hadn't really had a serious relationship before she met this guy. They're still married 5 years on and their relationship looks perfectly happy and normal on social media. 

I think the whole cultural idea that men never want to settle down affects women in particular because they think that they're lucky just to have someone propose in the first place. I also once had a conversation with a group of women who were criticizing their friend (who wasn't present) for having left a 'perfectly nice guy' that wanted to marry her, 'just because' she wasn't head over heels for him or attracted to him. They genuinely felt sorry for her because it meant that she wasn't married while they all were.. Meanwhile I was kind of feeling sorry for THEM because it didn't speak well for their own marriages. 

[central]

On the other hand, if you marry someone you're not that attracted to, you won't be as disappointed when the sex diminishes or stops after a couple of years!  The problem may be that you find someone else attractive, and either split up or cheat.

I found my first wife attractive, so I was disappointed when the sex essentially stopped very early on.  I guess she didn't find me that attractive, even though I checked all the boxes for what she wanted in a husband.  I had to divorce her and find someone else, but got lucky in that she is attractive (it's mutual) and still into sex after 20 years.  (And yes, we're compatible in other ways.)

[OrbitalKat]

Initial attraction fades, compatibility is more important. I think if the two partners have healthy libidos the sex will not necessarily stop. Even if you were very attracted initially to your partner, in time she/he will be just your significant other and you won't necessarily be so enthraled by them. And also even if you were not initially that attracted to your partner, they will become just your partner and if you have a healthy libido and things are good in the marriage otherwise, sex will be fine. I think only if you marry someone you're disgusted by there is a problem.

I wasn't initially attracted by my ex husband but he was persistent chasing me and I've never quite known if I was attracted or not, but we had an amazing sex life right up until the end. He even mentioned that when we split, how good that part of our marriage was.

[OrbitalKat]

Just another thought to add. I noticed that these kind of arguments on how some people marry people they aren't attracted to are often brought about by single people who want to point out that there are a lot of unhappy marriages, people settle and they do not settle and that's why they are single, and that somehow makes them morally superior to those married sell outs.

I know there are many unhappy marriages but I venture to say that the fact that they weren't physically attracted to their spouse in the first place may not be a dominant reason of marital issues. I think it must be a percentage of people who are in that category, but like others posted, there are a miriad of other incompatibilities, attitude problems, substance abuse , money management styles, children from the marriage and from previous marriages that put strain on relationships etc. - even when the sexual compatibility is high or initially high. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by OrbitalKat