To break to NC

[Logger]

Hello, everybody,

I hope I find you well in this hard times we as humans are going through. As the topic and subject suggest I find myself into a situation when I require other people opinion. I'll try to be as short as I can in the story, here we go.

I've meet my ex approximate 3 years ago, we click really fast. Not to long after we started to date she got sick (near death) and I was there for her, first as a human, second as her new "boyfriend". After that she moved at my place really fast, as she was still living with her parents most of the time - she was also staying with a girl friend of hers (she is 36 now, I'm 35). Everything was pretty well between us, we had fun, we went out, we enjoyed living together, the communication was good - what can I say - a good relationship. Me and her were using drugs as recreational, let's say one time per month; but she is a heavy smoker - I do enjoy it from time to time - but I want to be in control of everything that can become addictive. As time goes by, me being paid more (3x time more) that her, I was paying all the monthly cost of the living (as I would normally do -  as I was already living in that flat), plus almost all the fun times (she had her own money, but not enough to do the things we were doing - traveling, buying things in the house). I'm not the best person when it comes to the finance, so I tend to spend as much as I can after I pay all bills - enjoy the life, as I don't have any other responsibilities. As the months we going, we started to do it more and more, weekend after weekend, which I didn't feel it good, I/we were starting to lose control - and I said stop. After a fight we break up (this was after 1 year and 10 months) she moved out, I did a little bit of begging (1-2 weeks) and after that I started the NC. I wanted her back, but I knew I had to resolve my problems (as I've had some issues with my family from I was young - I'm the type of person who doesn't speak out things immediately, instead it holds everything inside and thinks everything out - when I get to my conclusion I start the communication - as I may have the wrong conclusion). After ~3 months we were back together - I know I did a mistake going back so fast with her, as the old relationship wasn't over yet - and in 2 weeks she moved back to my place. We got along well but than the pandemic came and we started to work from home, couldn't do much activities other than playing board games, watching movies, talking about world/local situations, having sex and we got back in the old scenario: we started to do drugs each Friday. As I saw we are going on the wrong track, I shutdown - and started to get involved with work as much as I can - the communication started to fade out - basically we become two friends living in the same house, not even sleeping together for 2 months - sex almost out of question. When she asked me to go out and buy some weed, as she run out, I went and when I come back she didn't even thanked me, so I snapped. I've told her it was the last time I go and but stuff for her, I'll go only when I and she (together) want to do something. If she wants she can go by herself, if I want and she doesn't same case. She said she knew that I'll used that line go get her and she wants to break. I've told her, ok, this is than, we leave, you leave the spare key. 2 weeks later she moved. After 30 days the remorse came (the break up was at the begging of June), but I told myself that I'll not contact her, I need to be strong and focus on my life, projects, things I want to do, to develop as person each day. That that period the grieving came - same I got through that period also with success. I only had to break contact when I had to explain her some major changes I was doing for a project she is working with daily at her job. I was friendly and "funny - drop small jokes there and there" and I've explained her everything she should know. She replied but there we've stopped. I know I wasn't over her so that was good.

Now comes the revelation, why it didn't work - with the help of my therapist. I know I was enabling her drugs use and when I said no more, it was to late. I know I can control and when I see something that goes off the track, I stop immediately, but she isn't me. I had to talk that out with her, to communicate better with her this issue. I know I should get back so fast with her after the first break up. I know I should not agree for her to move back in as soon as she did and I allowed it.  I know I've put her on the pedestal as I was doing everything for her, so she has a good life with me, I got to that conclusion after she told me about her young life and adolescence life.

Currently I'm doing very good, I go out as much as I can, meet new people, back in touch with old friends, working as much as I can, dating (no sex - but after 1-2 dates it blows off), I keep in touch with her boy friends - I'm very sociable - as we can talk about deep things. I've set my plans for medium period that will come and try to stick with them - depending on the evolving of the pandemic.

Basically we both were the dumper and dumpee - we didn't had any "closure" or discussion/fight. 

When I was in the first month I did stalk her a bit and I saw some post that were (I think, but knowing her - she could not change so fast) address to me, but I didn't like or contacted her. 

Now I'm thinking - maybe after some time things will change, I'll update my status - to contact her and start slow, slow, slowly to communicate and where does she stands, does she still want that life, full of fun every week or not? In our times we had discussion about family, children, how we view the best way to educate our kids. What to do in life, where do move, how to become better persons, to help others...

I don't believe in "soul mates" - as per say, I believe in the power of the person to change and love a person, that he/she sees a future of it. We become compatible with time, there's not such thing as 100% from the beginning (you can relate with the persons personality from the beginning and move through the process of knowing much faster). I do believe in true love, but the same, that needs to grow with time.

How would you contact her, when would you contact her (after how much time)?

Thank you in advanced.

Edited August 12, 2020 by Logger

[d0nnivain]

I would not contact her.   You already tried twice & both times it failed.  She is more into drugs then you.  There was no sex.  

Go find a different GF.   

[Wiseman2]

Don't contact her until you have both been clean and sober for a while.

[Logger]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I would not contact her.   You already tried twice & both times it failed.  She is more into drugs then you.  There was no sex.  

Go find a different GF.   

This is my current situation. I don’t have the need to contact her, because I know the end result will be the same, BUT people do change their perspectives pretty fast when they hit the wall/rock bottom. 
 

As I said, I went on dates, but we didn’t clicked...there is something missing. I know you’ll say it’s still my ex in my head.

[Logger]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't contact her until you have both been clean and sober for a while.

I’m sober from the breakup, about her I don’t know. But jugging on her financial situation, which I know, she can’t afford anything else than 5g of weed per month, if she pays her bills or if doesn’t lend money from somebody else. She finally move in her own studio, that was what she could afford to pay monthly. 

Let’s say that she is sober in 6 months from now on, how would you do it?

[d0nnivain]

The detox experts at AA & NA say that you should not date for the 1st YEAR of your sobriety.  So at 6 months, you should do nothing.  

[Wiseman2]

You seem attached through lots of drama. Sex and drugs and rock and roll. If you can't "click" with anyone it's because you're still too drawn to the lifestyle.

[Logger]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem attached through lots of drama. Sex and drugs and rock and roll. If you can't "click" with anyone it's because you're still too drawn to the lifestyle.

I didn't follow up after first dates, because I saw them very superficial, maybe it's just a phase on me. That life style isn't for me, it's like going out and have some alcohol at a party, bar; that doesn't make you alcoholic. That's what I've said in my post, and I'm not defensive or excluding your opinions, when I see that something goes of the track, I stop immediately and review the experience.

What you'll do if somebody you love: friend, family, love goes on the dark side? Left them for good, talk to them and leave them be, when they "wake-up" analyze the current situation?

[d0nnivain]

35 minutes ago, Logger said:

What you'll do if somebody you love: friend, family, love goes on the dark side? Left them for good, talk to them and leave them be, when they "wake-up" analyze the current situation?

I have gone to Al-Anon to realize that I can't change their addiction but I have to separate myself from them before they drag me down too.  

[Logger]

16 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I have gone to Al-Anon to realize that I can't change their addiction but I have to separate myself from them before they drag me down too.  

This is why I don't talk, call or make any sort of contact (only that one time when it was work related) - the break was done, the old relationship is closed. Maybe I didn't express my self clear (I'm not a native en speaker): If you find out your ex is sober, she sees how though the life can be, that life is not about running away from responsibilities how would you contact her? And how would you try to find out, make contact? I didn't run away from her, so don't blame me I let her down, she "basically" choose the other life, but she knows inside her, that's wrong, but it's her problem to figure it out, not somebody's else to figure it out for her.

I'm not waiting for her, I enjoy my life doing what brings me joy, but I'm a strong believer that people do change with time (time is relative, so each person has is own "timing") and also I'll never, say never (no) to somebody who I loved and I still care for, if I'm single - she is single.

[d0nnivain]

If I found out my EX was sober, I still probably would not make contact.  Another principle of the AA/NA Big Book is the addict has to leave their old life behind, & that includes the people they used to get high with.  An EX would be a trigger, a daily reminder of how life used to be when it was so easy to turn to an substance to escape.  It's one thing for the addict to take you along on the journey because you are family.  It's something else all together for friends & dates.  Most likely to stay sober, the addict has to cut those reminders out of their lives.  

[Logger]

@d0nnivain thanks for the reply and YES I understand what you are saying about cutting off with ex partners/people (it may include friends and family also) if you have been addictive to drugs (this includes alcohol too) so you don't relapse.
 

In my situation, neither of us is being addicted (addiction: you can't live, doing stuff without consuming), is about "going" to become one; which the only way I knew I can handle was to stop it - put my foot in the door and saying no more. When you do this kind of behavior the other person (lover, friend, you name it) has the instinct to become defensive and think you want to control them in a way and run away. It takes time to realize the wrong and good in somebody else behavior and actions. 

Edited August 14, 2020 by Logger

[d0nnivain]

You may have been on the way & caught yourself.  Based on what you posted I think she has a problem.  

[Logger]

From what I know, her current situation doesn't allow her to go deeper into the "darkness of addictions" - as she doesn't have the financial situation to "maintain" that kind of life style (her friends moved on and also the pandemic closed all the clubs), and that's why I've asked for other opinions how to contact (in the future, not now, because it's to early) to see how she is doing, is she done with them, does she realized the problems she had, did she wake-up to life...

Life is to beautiful not to live at it's fullest, in life you need to understand all that's happening near you, learn from each bad experience you have so you can grow as human being, understand how you can help others, even if the way of doing it isn't the best or nicest way.

[robaday]

At the end of the day the only person who can change themselves is themselves. God knows friends tried with me in the past, but I only resented them, like she probably does you. Thing is its a choice, some people grow out of it, some don't and stay addicted for life. I'm not saying there aren't underlying reasons for that choice, nor that it is easy dropping those habits and I do empathise with people struggling with addiction, but they have to want help, they have to want to change. I was one of the lucky ones, I knew when to quit every drug, but that was generally after I had a really awful experience too many with each one. I got clean because I wanted to get clean, not because anyone else told me to. She's chosen her path, she probably doesn't want your help.