Moving to same city as ex. Should I let him know?

[ohmeohmy]

Hey there,

So I was with my ex for five years, on and off. We had an intense connection, I felt, but we were extremely mismatched -- and broke up for good when I decided to move across the country to pursue a new job. We kept in friendly contact for maybe four years after I moved. Just the occasional "Hi, how's life, how's your family" sort of email here and there. I got married to a guy who was way better for me and we had a kid together, and my ex got married to a woman who seems perfect for him. They ended up moving to a different city, too.

I'm legitimately happy for him. But after his marriage, he stopped responding to me entirely -- so I haven't reached out in like two years. It's not a big deal, really, though I do feel sort of sad about it, since he used to be a huge part of my life and all. I don't have any romantic feelings toward him anymore, though maybe I hold some spurned ex resentments, and kinda miss him sometimes as a person. That's it. 

Anyway, my husband just got a job offer in the city where my ex lives. It's a great job and a lovely city -- we live in a sprawling metropolis right now, and this new city is much smaller and has a ton of nature, which is something that we want to expose our son to. Schools are better, the air is cleaner, etc. My husband and I have a decent social circle already in this smaller city. So, looks like we'll be moving to the city where my ex lives. 

It's a medium-sized place, and I know we're in a pandemic -- but people do tend to run into each other. Especially because I have a TON of mutual friends with his wife, including one or two in the new city where they live. I also keep in very light social media contact with my ex's sister (or rather, she keeps in touch with ME), who I always got along with super well. 

Anyway, should I give him a heads up that I'm moving to his city? As I said, he stopped responding to my emails a couple years ago and I've respected that. I'm leaning toward just moving and not letting him know, since he clearly wants no contact and could just find out via the grapevine. 

Thoughts? Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

You are MARRIED.  Do not reach out to some EX.  He's an EX & you are married.  Reaching out will only stir up trouble.  

[Wiseman2]

Congrats, enjoy your new city..If he happens to hear through word of mouth and reaches out, fine.

Otherwise it's an unwelcome intrusion in his marriage and his new life. You need to respect his boundaries and his marriage.

Is there any reason you need to reestablish communication with him? Are you lonely or unhappily married and reflecting on nostalgia?

[ohmeohmy]

Hi again, WiseMan2  

Good questions. Yeah, my husband's totally aware -- I've been quite open about what things were like with my ex. I've actually told him about this specific scenario, and he's actually pretty curious to see what my ex is like, ha. I am friends with other exes of mine, and my husband's friends with some of HIS exes, and we aren't really intimidated by any of that. Heck, I'm on good terms with some of his exes, and vice versa. It's not a big deal. We both understand that we both had pasts, but that they pale in comparison to the connection we have with each other.

Honestly, maybe I have a weird complex about this particular ex because it was so serious -- and it's as though that part of my life has been swallowed up by a black hole. It was when I was in the flush of youth, I guess, and now I'm in my 30s with real responsibilities -- so I dunno, maybe reconnecting would make me feel young again? I've talked to a therapist about it and whatnot. It's not that I still love my ex -- I know I don't. I never loved him the way I love my husband, and I'm definitely not interested in rekindling anything. That feels dirty, and not in the good way.

But getting abruptly shut out after years of quasi-friendship made me sad, sort of brought up the old rejection feelings again, and moving to the same city makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I suppose that if we aren't on friendly terms than my competitive personality wants to "win the breakup," maybe. I can't pin it down. And I can't let this one go completely. Hence why I'm going on an online forum, I guess. 

I'm lonely in the sense that I work from home, we're in the midst of a pandemic, I'm a new-ish mom, and have moved a ton for my husband's work so I haven't established deep friendships in the city I live in right now. So maybe I just live in the past a little more than I should. 

[Uptown182]

57 minutes ago, ohmeohmy said:

Hey there,

So I was with my ex for five years, on and off. We had an intense connection, I felt, but we were extremely mismatched -- and broke up for good when I decided to move across the country to pursue a new job. We kept in friendly contact for maybe four years after I moved. Just the occasional "Hi, how's life, how's your family" sort of email here and there. I got married to a guy who was way better for me and we had a kid together, and my ex got married to a woman who seems perfect for him. They ended up moving to a different city, too.

I'm legitimately happy for him. But after his marriage, he stopped responding to me entirely -- so I haven't reached out in like two years. It's not a big deal, really, though I do feel sort of sad about it, since he used to be a huge part of my life and all. I don't have any romantic feelings toward him anymore, though maybe I hold some spurned ex resentments, and kinda miss him sometimes as a person. That's it. 

Anyway, my husband just got a job offer in the city where my ex lives. It's a great job and a lovely city -- we live in a sprawling metropolis right now, and this new city is much smaller and has a ton of nature, which is something that we want to expose our son to. Schools are better, the air is cleaner, etc. My husband and I have a decent social circle already in this smaller city. So, looks like we'll be moving to the city where my ex lives. 

It's a medium-sized place, and I know we're in a pandemic -- but people do tend to run into each other. Especially because I have a TON of mutual friends with his wife, including one or two in the new city where they live. I also keep in very light social media contact with my ex's sister (or rather, she keeps in touch with ME), who I always got along with super well. 

Anyway, should I give him a heads up that I'm moving to his city? As I said, he stopped responding to my emails a couple years ago and I've respected that. I'm leaning toward just moving and not letting him know, since he clearly wants no contact and could just find out via the grapevine. 

Thoughts? Thanks!

Yea I think it’s perfectly ok for him to find out through the grapevine especially since he stopped responding to your emails.  

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, ohmeohmy said:

So I was with my ex for five years, on and off.

we were extremely mismatched

Quote

he stopped responding to me entirely

I haven't reached out in like two years.

I hold some spurned ex resentments,

Quote

But getting abruptly shut out after years of quasi-friendship made me sad,

you still have too much emotional unfinished business.

does this guy's sister know you're moving from your social media?

I'd leave the guy and his family alone unless you and your husband run into him.

[ohmeohmy]

Thanks, these are good points. I'll continue to leave him alone.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see any point in contacting him to let him know. 

You two aren't part of each others' lives anymore, and haven't been for a while now. His silence since he got married is your cue that he isn't interested in maintaining a connection. I would let it stay that way and respect that unspoken boundary that he's already quietly set.