Recently started casually dating ex again but hes still on tinder

[ButterCoffee]

Me and my ex got back "together" and by together, I am using that term loosely since it has only been 2 weeks since we started talking/casually dating/seeing each other again, whatever you want to call it. I'm in that weird in-between stage with him and it sucks. We broke up because he said he was depressed and couldnt handle being in a relationship right now. However, I noticed a couple weeks later he was back on tinder. I messaged him and said hey why are you on tinder if you dont want a relationship? He said "Funny thing is, I havent met anyone on tinder since we broke up. So its a pen pal app for me." Part of me believed him because he's an introvert but the other part of me didnt. So when he made a comment about me being on tinder later that week, I joked and said "Everyone knows tinder is just for friends." 

Anyway, he added a new hot girl on instagram yesterday and I am honestly jealous because that means they matched on tinder (she added him too) and it means at the very least they have been corresponding. She is local, too. All of my friends are telling me to not say anything to him about it because we arent official yet and it will make me look like a jealous crazy person for stalking his instagram. I'm honestly hurt by this. They could very well meet and go on a date, and I'm just in that weird gray limbo area phase with him still. 

I cant bring up the relationship talk with him because its still too soon and it'll ruin things. So I need to wait a couple more weeks but in the meantime, he could be seeing her or other women even though he says he isnt (and he said that before he added her, none the less). He knows I can see that he added her too which just kind of adds insult to injury. He keeps posting weird instagram stories memes ike "When she says she isnt like other girls but then asks you where you want to eat" or "when you find someone that smokes as much as you do (shows two aliens toasting wine)" and I'm just like...wait, what, is he talking about me, or...? 

I dont know what to do  If I bring this up to him I know he will just get super distant and I'll lose him. I know people are going to say Girl, just move on! But you don't understand...I dont want to just move on.

I have not been "intimate" with him yet since we reconnected, but we have kissed multiple times. Withholding sex is literally the last card I have left. Thats my "exclusivity talk" card. He has tried before, but Ive always stopped him without saying why. I'm sure he knows why. Still hasnt brought it up though, we havent had the talk yet. I am honestly waiting until Sep. 4 (Why you ask? Because all the professional dating coaches say you must wait 1 month before bringing up the relationship talk again with a guy like this) so I am trying to wait that long or close to it. I am dreading his answer. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by ButterCoffee

[Wiseman2]

You'll get hurt over and over if you pursue someone who doesn't want a relationship with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, ButterCoffee said:

I have not been "intimate" with him yet since we reconnected, but we have kissed multiple times. Withholding sex is literally the last card I have left. Thats my "exclusivity talk" card. He has tried before, but Ive always stopped him without saying why. I'm sure he knows why. Still hasnt brought it up though, we havent had the talk yet. I am honestly waiting until Sep. 4 (Why you ask? Because all the professional dating coaches say you must wait 1 month before bringing up the relationship talk again with a guy like this) so I am trying to wait that long or close to it. I am dreading his answer. 

Oh, Butter. 

When you feel you need to use sex as your trump card, so to speak, you are wasting your time with someone who you know doesn't want what you want and setting yourself up to get enormously hurt. Getting a guy to be with you should not be this difficult nor involve weaponizing sex. A guy who is into you and wants the same things isn't going to compel you to play those sorts of games. 

As for the September 4 "deadline"? It's arbitrary. Dating coaches need to dole out "rules" so people will buy whatever it is they're selling (figuratively and literally) but it's nothing more than a vague timeline pulled out of thin air to give the broken-hearted something to latch their hopes onto. A few more weeks is likely to change absolutely nothing. If you fear even bringing it up because you know he will get distant, then you need to recognize that he's already gone. It doesn't sounds like you've really accepted that yet. 

You don't have to move on if you don't want to, but there's nothing to say he won't. In the meantime, you'd better get comfortable with the idea that not wanting a relationship does indeed mean he's free to meet and sleep with his new "pen pals." Don't kid yourself into thinking he won't go that far. Chances are that he already has. This is what single guys do. If he were at all concerned about eventually reconciling with you, he wouldn't be using dating apps, especially knowing you can see what he's up to. You need to have an honest talk with yourself about why you're not really listening to what he's told you, and why you would want to include yourself in his growing roster of women. Believe him when he says he doesn't want a relationship; his behaviour absolutely supports that. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

You don't have him so there is nothing for you to lose.  

This casual thing you got going on is him using you until somebody hotter / better / smarter whatever he is looking for comes along. 

His statement around the break up that his depression was making him not want to be in a relationship right now, actually means his relationship with you was no longer working for him. 

I understand that you don't want to move on & that is your choice.  But by staying here in this scenario all you are doing is delaying the day he rips your heart out again.  

Edited August 13, 2020 by d0nnivain

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, ButterCoffee said:

Me and my ex got back "together" and by together, I am using that term loosely

how loosely is this definition of "together"?  He hasn't said he wants exclusivity with you? He hasn't said he wants to return to a relationship with you?

Until he says those things, I'd stop stalking his social media and still consider yourselves broken up---because if he's on social media friending hot girls, then that means he doesn't think you two have anything going on right now and that he's a free agent.

Quote

I dont want to just move on.

The alternative is to torture yourself with "what ifs", when you should be making use of that Tinder account of yours and getting on with your life.

I don't think waiting on him for a couple of weeks is a good idea because from what you've written, it sounds like he's chasing that other girl; and you don't want to be the "fall back girl".

From what you've written about him so far, he's not sounding like he's putting store into this rekindling of your relationship like you are.

[smackie9]

Ditch him. He's not rekindling a committed relationship with you.

[ShyViolet]

On 8/13/2020 at 12:54 AM, ButterCoffee said:

I am dreading his answer. 

Yes, because deep down you already know the answer.  You already tried being in a relationship with him, and that didn't work out.  He broke up with you and said he "couldn't handle being in a relationship."  Now his behavior is clearly showing you that he has no intentions of having a stable, committed relationship with you.  If he was really into you, he wouldn't have broken up with you the first time, and he'd be with you now.  He's throwing you crumbs, hanging out with you when he feels like it.  This whole business of staying  on tinder, of course he is still dating around and wants to be with other people.

You can either continue waiting for this guy, and open yourself up to being hurt again and again, or you can accept reality for what it is, and move on.  Either way you are going to have no choice but to move on, anyway.  It's up to you if you want to get hurt some more first.

[Ruby Slippers]

22 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Ditch him. He's not rekindling a committed relationship with you.

Agree. Why waste your precious time and energy on a lame guy who's not that into you? You can do much better. Getting happy on your own is better than this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Yes, because deep down you already know the answer.  You already tried being in a relationship with him, and that didn't work out.  He broke up with you and said he "couldn't handle being in a relationship."  Now his behavior is clearly showing you that he has no intentions of having a stable, committed relationship with you.  If he was really into you, he wouldn't have broken up with you the first time, and he'd be with you now.  

And according to her recent thread, this is actually the second time he's done this. The second time he's said he's depressed and can't handle a relationship and just wants to be friends. 

ButterCoffee, you really deserve more than this. He's not the guy for you and he doesn't know how to be honest that you're not the woman for him, either. 

[mhar]

On 8/15/2020 at 11:48 AM, ShyViolet said:

Yes, because deep down you already know the answer.  You already tried being in a relationship with him, and that didn't work out.  He broke up with you and said he "couldn't handle being in a relationship."  Now his behavior is clearly showing you that he has no intentions of having a stable, committed relationship with you.  If he was really into you, he wouldn't have broken up with you the first time, and he'd be with you now.  He's throwing you crumbs, hanging out with you when he feels like it.  This whole business of staying  on tinder, of course he is still dating around and wants to be with other people.

You can either continue waiting for this guy, and open yourself up to being hurt again and again, or you can accept reality for what it is, and move on.  Either way you are going to have no choice but to move on, anyway.  It's up to you if you want to get hurt some more first.

I agree.  If a man wanted to really work things out, a break up would not happen. Whatever it is that needs to be fixed, can be fixed and no break up would happen.