do I tell my partner about a short, meaningless kiss?

[taharazoom]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years now. We have a wonderful, easy, supportive relationship and have never had any major issues. We constantly discuss the future and both see the relationship as end game.

Which is why I am so devastated as to how this could have possibly happened. Four days ago, I was hanging out with some friends. We all got a little drunk and I ended up having a deep conversation with a close friend I have known for several years. Now...I am not sure how or why it happened, but in the midst of our conversation, he knelt in and kissed me. I suppose I was taken aback, confused and slightly caught up in the moment. And I kissed back, albeit only for a few seconds. Within a brief moment, I realised what was happening, I pulled back and I stepped back away from him.

Once we got over the initial shock, my friend apologised profusely and told me that he’s been going through a rough time personally and that it absolutely did not mean anything on his part. I then apologised for not immediately putting a stop to it and also said that it of course didn’t mean anything on my part. No one else saw, no one else knows and the friend who kissed me has left it to me to decide whether or not I share what happened.

I know nothing like this will ever happen again, I know it didn’t mean anything and I know that my partner would be highly unlikely to end a 6 year relationship over this (but would, of course, be hurt). 

Do I tell him? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Are you sure your 6 yr relationship is going well?

One is that you got caught up in the moment with someone and the other is that you feel compelled to shake up your relationship.

Before you play true confessions, reflect on why this " moment" happened in the first place and why you want to hurt or somehow stick it to your BF.

[taharazoom]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Are you sure your 6 yr relationship is going well?

One is that you got caught up in the moment with someone and the other is that you feel compelled to shake up your relationship.

Before you play true confessions, reflect on why this " moment" happened in the first place and why you want to hurt or somehow stick it to your BF.

No not at all! The relationship is in a good place. The kiss was nothing more than a drunken mistake, and I took a few seconds longer than I should have to stop it from happening. I definitely don’t have any desire to hurt my partner. The whole reason I’m so devastated is because of how scared I am of hurting him

[ExpatInItaly]

Did you date much before your current partner?

I ask because perhaps you're curious about other guys on a subconscious level, and went with it before your rational mind stepped in to stop it. 

As for whether or not to tell him, you're going to get very mixed responses here. Some will say that if it didn't go further and you recognize your mistake, then don't bother burdening him with it. Others will tell you this qualifies as cheating and that your partner needs to know. What do you feel is the right thing to do?

Edited August 13, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[taharazoom]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Did you date much before your current partner?

I ask because perhaps you're curious about other guys on a subconscious level, and went with it before your rational mind stepped in to stop it. 

As for whether or not to tell him, you're going to get very mixed responses here. Some will say that if it didn't go further and you recognize your mistake, then don't bother burdening him with it. Others will tell you this qualifies as cheating and that your partner needs to know. What do you feel is the right thing to do?

He is my first serious relationship, yes. I had my intense “first love” relationship when I was younger, but I wouldn’t class it as a mature or adult relationship. But perhaps there is some truth to that. We have been together a long time - if anything, though, this kissing incident has made me feel like new experiences aren’t even slightly worth the cost of a loving, stable relationship. 
 

Well, I’m not really sure. Part of me desperately wants to tell him, but I feel that this is just because I want to alleviate my guilt. I don’t believe there are many benefits to it, although many might disagree. I know in my heart that the kiss was meaningless and I would hate for him to have to deal with the emotional burden of my own reckless mistake. In other words, I’m not sure if TELLING him is selfish, or if NOT telling him is selfish. I just want to do the right thing. 

[Wiseman2]

How would he react?

[d0nnivain]

I don't know.  

I doubt I'd tell a BF, no matter how long we'd be dating.  The younger you are, the less likely the SO will take this well.  Plus the idea that you had been drinking will plant the seed that you will always be up to no good once your guard has been lowered.  

I would tell my husband.  He knows me well enough & trusts me that if I say I didn't want this & nothing significant happened, he'd know that was true.  

But then again, no matter how sudden the other's person's actions, the whole act of leaning in gave you at least 1/2 a second's notice that something was happening so you could have turned your head, leaned back or otherwise headed it off.  That comes with life experience.  

At a minimum you will need to stop all one on one "deep" conversations with the guy who violated your personal space & was an affront to your relationship.   You really want to make sure your BF isn't going to do something awful like punch this guy in the face.  

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, taharazoom said:

Once we got over the initial shock, my friend apologised profusely and told me that he’s been going through a rough time personally and that it absolutely did not mean anything on his part. I then apologised for not immediately putting a stop to it and also said that it of course didn’t mean anything on my part. No one else saw, no one else knows and the friend who kissed me has left it to me to decide whether or not I share what happened.

Your "good friend" found the moment he was looking for and tried his luck. He isn't a good friend. He is an orbiter waiting for his chance and he's around because you like the attention.

You have experience with alcohol and know very well how it lowers inhibitions. That's really not a valid excuse.

I think that not discussing what happened with your BF will chip away at your integrity. It already is or you wouldn't be here. What else won't you tell him in the future to "spare" his feelings.

[taharazoom]

26 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Your "good friend" found the moment he was looking for and tried his luck. He isn't a good friend. He is an orbiter waiting for his chance and he's around because you like the attention.

You have experience with alcohol and know very well how it lowers inhibitions. That's really not a valid excuse.

I think that not discussing what happened with your BF will chip away at your integrity. It already is or you wouldn't be here. What else won't you tell him in the future to "spare" his feelings.

I know it looks this way, but this is a friend I’ve had for around ten years. We were friends long before my boyfriend and I had even met and nothing had ever happened between us. I suppose that’s why I had let my guard down that evening - but I’ve learned my lesson. And I do plan on keeping my distance from him for the foreseeable future. 

And no, I don’t think alcohol is an excuse at all! Just painted a picture of the evening. 

[BaileyB]

Consider this from your boyfriends perspective, he will not ever want you to be alone with this man ever again. It could end your friendship, which you are already prepared to do when you say you are going to keep your distance... You should never be alone with this person again, because it’s likely that he has feelings for you and he wants to be more than friends. 

And consider the idea that you don’t tell him, secrets have a way of coming out eventually. Assuming that this did come out, how do you think he will feel when he learns this happened and you didn’t tell him? What will he think, and how will you deal with that? 

[taharazoom]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How would he react?

I really couldn’t say. He would be justifiably upset, for sure. I also think he’d be surprised. We genuinely have a wonderful relationship so these circumstances are...unexpected and horribly out of character, to say the least. 
 

All that being said, I am quite certain he wouldn’t end the relationship over it. I believe he’d be hurt and it would take him time to overcome, but he’d understand that it was a momentary lapse of judgement rather than an outright act of unfaithfulness. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, taharazoom said:

All that being said, I am quite certain he wouldn’t end the relationship over it. I believe he’d be hurt and it would take him time to overcome, but he’d understand that it was a momentary lapse of judgement rather than an outright act of unfaithfulness. 

Do you think there would be longer-term ramifications?

Sometimes it's not so much the act in and of itself, but the seed of doubt that gets planted in the betrayed party's mind can grow even if they don't want it to. 

[taharazoom]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Consider this from your boyfriends perspective, he will not ever want you to be alone with this man ever again. It could end your friendship, which you are already prepared to do when you say you are going to keep your distance... You should never be alone with this person again, because it’s likely that he has feelings for you and he wants to be more than friends. 

And consider the idea that you don’t tell him, secrets have a way of coming out eventually. Assuming that this did come out, how do you think he will feel when he learns this happened and you didn’t tell him? What will he think, and how will you deal with that? 

It will be a shame to end my friendship with this man - especially as I’ve known him since my school years, but I’d be willing. If it came to it, my relationship would always be the priority. No question. 
 

Honestly, I truly do not believe my partner will find out unless I confess. My friend wouldn’t dare tell anyone as I imagine most people in our social circles would be quite outraged. Besides, my partner only ever see’s this friend with me and I definitely plan on keeping a distance from the time being. 
 

If, on the off chance, he ever did find out (if I don’t tell him, that is) - I suppose I would be completely honest and tell him everything I’ve said on this thread. I’d like to believe that he would know that, if something more serious ever happened, I would tell him immediately. And I absolutely, undoubtedly would. But my genuine feelings are that I don’t know if causing distress over a kiss that was over before I’d even realised it had happened is the right thing to do for him and for us. I don’t know, perhaps I’m being deluded. I definitely need to give it a lot more thought. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sometimes it's not so much the act in and of itself, but the seed of doubt that gets planted in the betrayed party's mind can grow even if they don't want it to. 

This would be my concern, and my reason for not telling him. 

If you decide not to tell him OP, one way to guard against any future disclosure would be to be sure that you limit your interactions with this man such that you only see each other in the presence of others. You set some clear boundaries to ensure that it never happens again - no more drunken late night one on one talks... or any time alone for that matter. I know you hate to lose the friendship, but that may well be the consequence for this behavior. 

[taharazoom]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you think there would be longer-term ramifications?

Sometimes it's not so much the act in and of itself, but the seed of doubt that gets planted in the betrayed party's mind can grow even if they don't want it to. 

I’m not too sure actually. He’s a relatively rational, logical guy and we’ve never had any trust or jealousy issues. We also had a fairly tumultuous start to our relationship (it’s been smooth sailing since then) and, in a weird way, I think that it taught us how to work through things like this. Which is why I’m convinced we would work through it - but I just don’t know if I want to subject him to that emotional stress. 

[taharazoom]

2 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why men do not trust the guy friends, or the ladies that insist on keeping them in their life.

I hate to say it, but I definitely will be a lot more guarded around my other guy friends from now on. 

[Acacia98]

I think you should tell him then let the chips fall where they may. It would be messed up for you to have a secret with someone who wasn't your boyfriend. The odds of it creating a rift between you and your boyfriend would be high. I say this because you clearly feel guilty, guilty enough to need to seek advice on a forum. So it would weigh on your mind and influence your behavior.

Also, I'm pretty sure your guy friend doesn't go around kissing every woman he's comfortable with when he's drunk. So the fact that he kissed you means something regardless of his denial. Definitely stay away from him.

[taharazoom]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This would be my concern, and my reason for not telling him. 

If you decide not to tell him OP, one way to guard against any future disclosure would be to be sure that you limit your interactions with this man such that you only see each other in the presence of others. You set some clear boundaries to ensure that it never happens again - no more drunken late night one on one talks... or any time alone for that matter. I know you hate to lose the friendship, but that may well be the consequence for this behavior. 

Oh, absolutely. If I choose not to tell my boyfriend, I’ll definitely be dealing with a lot of guilt for a long time - and hanging out with that guy friend is the last thing I’d want to do. Even if I choose not to tell my partner, I know that he’d inevitably want me to keep my distance if I had. So I will absolutely do that. 

[Acacia98]

5 minutes ago, taharazoom said:

 We also had a fairly tumultuous start to our relationship (it’s been smooth sailing since then) and, in a weird way, I think that it taught us how to work through things like this. Which is why I’m convinced we would work through it - but I just don’t know if I want to subject him to that emotional stress. 

I know you mean well, but that very last bit sounds patronizing. He's not emotionally fragile, is he? 

[schlumpy]

Your current Boyfriend may be replaced next year. Who knows.

So this doesn't have the same import as a fiancee or husband. It only goes to your personal integrity and who you think you are.

Your only current danger is that your friend, who has now revealed his feelings, tells someone close to him (maybe while drunk) or his feelings are so strong that he gets desperate and gets the word to your current boyfriend through common friends.

As long as you have "faith" that neither scenario is a possibility you can leave this incident behind except for the mark it's leaving on your conscience.

[taharazoom]

2 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I know you mean well, but that very last bit sounds patronizing. He's not emotionally fragile, is he? 

He isn’t emotionally fragile, but he is quite a sensitive man. That doesn’t have anything to do with my choice of words, though. Finding out about something like this this would inevitably cause hurt to anyone

[Acacia98]

1 minute ago, taharazoom said:

He isn’t emotionally fragile, but he is quite a sensitive man. That doesn’t have anything to do with my choice of words, though. Finding out about something like this this would inevitably cause hurt to anyone

True. It would. But at some level, you have to have faith in the person's capacity to deal with it, no? 

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, taharazoom said:

Do I tell him? 

weigh the pros and cons of this, because none of us here knows your boyfriend or how he will react.

If I was in your boyfriend's place, moins le dites, le meilleur.  Keep it to yourself and stop drinking to the point where you will do this.

[d0nnivain]

I'm still not sure why you feel guilty.  If this guy truly surprised you with the kiss, it's not on you. 

Examine your own motives before you open your mouth or you will end up doing some kind of trickle truth.   

You said something about definitely telling your BF if something more serious happened in the future.  What?  Faithful people don't think about what disclosures they will make in the future if they eventually cheat.  When you find yourself longing for someone else, you end the relationship you are in before you go sow whatever wild oats there are. 

At this point I am wondering about your veracity & your understanding of your own mind.    

[elaine567]

Yes "meaningless kiss" but you still put yourself in a cosy intimate situation with another man and what may be seen as the inevitable happened.
"Women" can be platonic friends with men all day and all night for years even, but "men" tend to be friends with women they want to sleep with.
You gave enough positive signals for that man to chance it. Your bf will be aware of that...
Men tend not to want to stick around with women who do not behave appropriately and who they cannot trust.
If you tell him, be prepared for him to leave you sooner or later.