do I tell my partner about a short, meaningless kiss?

[taharazoom]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm still not sure why you feel guilty.  If this guy truly surprised you with the kiss, it's not on you. 

Examine your own motives before you open your mouth or you will end up doing some kind of trickle truth.   

You said something about definitely telling your BF if something more serious happened in the future.  What?  Faithful people don't think about what disclosures they will make in the future if they eventually cheat.  When you find yourself longing for someone else, you end the relationship you are in before you go sow whatever wild oats there are. 

At this point I am wondering about your veracity & your understanding of your own mind.    

I think you misunderstood my meaning - I have no intention of cheating ever. My point was that there is a line, (e.g. wilful cheating and unfaithfulness) and if one crosses it, my logic does not apply and one must tell their partner - particularly as crossing this line could put into doubt whether they would want to continue the relationship. I do not feel I have crossed this line, nor do I ever intend to. That was all I meant by that. 
 

[taharazoom]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes "meaningless kiss" but you still put yourself in a cosy intimate situation with another man and what may be seen as the inevitable happened.
"Women" can be platonic friends with men all day and all night for years even, but "men" tend to be friends with women they want to sleep with.
You gave enough positive signals for that man to chance it. Your bf will be aware of that...
Men tend not to want to stick around with women who do not behave appropriately and who they cannot trust.
If you tell him, be prepared for him to leave you sooner or later.

On the contrary, it was a friend I have had for almost a decade and my partner has met him many times. There was really no reason for me to suspect anything like this happening and, considering his friendship with my partner, it is quite clear that neither me nor my boyfriend anticipated any kind of advance from him.  

[taharazoom]

49 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

True. It would. But at some level, you have to have faith in the person's capacity to deal with it, no? 

This is a fair point and it’s definitely given me something to think about. I‘ve truly appreciated your advice today - thank you. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by taharazoom

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, taharazoom said:

I think you misunderstood my meaning - I have no intention of cheating ever. My point was that there is a line, (e.g. wilful cheating and unfaithfulness) and if one crosses it, my logic does not apply and one must tell their partner - particularly as crossing this line could put into doubt whether they would want to continue the relationship. I do not feel I have crossed this line, nor do I ever intend to. That was all I meant by that. 
 

you’re not going to like this.
But you did cheat. That’s the thing. You were intimate with another man And it wasn’t even some random guy.
You can blame alcohol all you like , I think that’s just an excuse people use to be like “it wasn’t my fault, I was drunk”.  You can blame him for making the move too, but you admitted you reciprocated, even if only for a short moment, yet think you haven’t crossed any lines...but here you are asking about it on a forum. 
 

whether you tell your partner that you cheated or not, is up to you and your conscience.  
My main concern for you is that this is going to eat away at you , at which point you’ll then start reflecting your insecurities on to your bf and suspect him of it too. After all, if you can keep that a secret then why can’t he? 
Not saying that’s the case, but you need to be very careful how you handle this for you own mental health. 
Personally , I think honesty is the best policy- especially as you said “he won’t break up with me for it” ...then you also have the friend to contend with. Who’s to say he won’t tell someone if it’s eating away at him? 
I feel really bad for you,  And your partner .  What a horrible situation to be in  
 

 

[amerikajin]

6 hours ago, taharazoom said:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years now. We have a wonderful, easy, supportive relationship and have never had any major issues. We constantly discuss the future and both see the relationship as end game.

Which is why I am so devastated as to how this could have possibly happened. Four days ago, I was hanging out with some friends. We all got a little drunk and I ended up having a deep conversation with a close friend I have known for several years. Now...I am not sure how or why it happened, but in the midst of our conversation, he knelt in and kissed me. I suppose I was taken aback, confused and slightly caught up in the moment. And I kissed back, albeit only for a few seconds. Within a brief moment, I realised what was happening, I pulled back and I stepped back away from him.

Once we got over the initial shock, my friend apologised profusely and told me that he’s been going through a rough time personally and that it absolutely did not mean anything on his part. I then apologised for not immediately putting a stop to it and also said that it of course didn’t mean anything on my part. No one else saw, no one else knows and the friend who kissed me has left it to me to decide whether or not I share what happened.

I know nothing like this will ever happen again, I know it didn’t mean anything and I know that my partner would be highly unlikely to end a 6 year relationship over this (but would, of course, be hurt). 

Do I tell him? 

I would only tell him if you think it means something is wrong in your relationship.

If you're not looking for trouble, ideally, stay out of trouble and don't get drunk around guys when your partner isn't around - avoid that first. But don't feel the need to tell him about this one slip. You didn't initiate the kiss, and he probably won't understand that it was a reaction. He'll be jealous and pissed, even if he isn't demonstrably responding that way. Telling him is just dumping your guilt on him, which he doesn't need. What's important is that you avoid this mistake and never make it again - that's assuming it was a mistake and meant absolutely nothing.

But consider whether or not your relationship is strong and if there are issues, get to the bottom of it and sort it out.

Edited August 13, 2020 by amerikajin

[Tamfana]

Yes, tell him, apologize and cut back on your drinking to show your sincerity. Avoid giving your opinion that it's meaningless.  

[Wiseman2]

You could tell him but remember the phrase "it meant nothing" usually is a huge red flag.

[taharazoom]

52 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

you’re not going to like this.
But you did cheat. That’s the thing. You were intimate with another man And it wasn’t even some random guy.
You can blame alcohol all you like , I think that’s just an excuse people use to be like “it wasn’t my fault, I was drunk”.  You can blame him for making the move too, but you admitted you reciprocated, even if only for a short moment, yet think you haven’t crossed any lines...but here you are asking about it on a forum. 
 

whether you tell your partner that you cheated or not, is up to you and your conscience.  
My main concern for you is that this is going to eat away at you , at which point you’ll then start reflecting your insecurities on to your bf and suspect him of it too. After all, if you can keep that a secret then why can’t he? 
Not saying that’s the case, but you need to be very careful how you handle this for you own mental health. 
Personally , I think honesty is the best policy- especially as you said “he won’t break up with me for it” ...then you also have the friend to contend with. Who’s to say he won’t tell someone if it’s eating away at him? 
I feel really bad for you,  And your partner .  What a horrible situation to be in  
 

 

I just wanted to thank you for how compassionate this response was. Although this whole situation is entirely self-inflicted, going through it has been incredibly difficult and emotionally exhausting. Your understanding has genuinely made my day a little brighter, so thank you again. 

I am continuing to give the situation more and more thought. I still feel god awfully guilty - but knowing in my heart that it did not mean anything, that I am dedicated to my boyfriend and that I know I’ll never repeat the same error makes me feel the tiniest bit better. 
 

Upon that realisation, I’m starting to feel more open about talking to my partner about it. I feel guilty for my thoughtless actions and for putting myself and my boyfriend in this position - but I do not feel guilty about my feelings towards him or our relationship because I know they have nothing to do with my mistake. Perhaps that means speaking to him about this is the right thing to do, but I will still have to give it a little more thought over the next day or two. 

Once again, thank you so much for your message. It’s given me some of the confidence I needed. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by taharazoom

[alphamale]

10 hours ago, taharazoom said:

Do I tell him? 

No, go to the grave with that information

[rjc149]

As others have mentioned, it may be time to assess how you truly feel about your boyfriend. It sounds like a great relationship on paper, but maybe the spark is gone, or something else is missing. You've mentioned your BF is very sensitive -- is this turning you off on a deeper level? 

If you decide to tell him, I would accept all accountability for what happened. Many women prefer to deny their own agency in these matters, instead placing accountability on alcohol, on him making the move, ie. "we had a few drinks, and it wasn't my intention, it just happened." I'm sorry, but your reasoning is cliche enough to be a meme. 

The fact is that men, unless they are date rapists, will not make a move unless the signals are clear. You were giving him the green light. It wasn't meaningless, because you have a pre-existing relationship with him, and acted upon a sexual connection with him. 

Back to my first point. Your boyfriend is obviously satisfactory on paper and serves his purpose of keeping you company. But I believe that emotionally, you're over him, and this may be the beginning of the end, whether you tell him or not. Maybe after 6 years things have simply run their course. Women who are in love with, and respect, their partners don't slip up like this. 

 

[mark clemson]

Do you see yourself possibly marrying this BF one day?

I ask because IF you do, my thought would be to tell him sooner rather than later. It might blow up the relationship; he could reasonably ask that you never see this friend in person again, at least not 1-1 (I would).  BUT you don't want to be engaged one day with weeks to go before the wedding and this gnawing at you and so you tell him then and he starts to have doubts, gets cold feet, postpones while he thinks about it, etc.

NOT a good scenario.

There is also the chance that this friend will mention it to your BF or possibly someone else, and word gets around. Another thing to think about.

If you don't see yourself potentially marrying this guy one day, then perhaps the above isn't relevant. Just a thought for you.

Edited August 13, 2020 by mark clemson

[basil67]

Another vote for 'take it to the grave'

But do go through some soul searching with how to best manage the situation you're in.

[taharazoom]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

Quote

It sounds like a great relationship on paper, but maybe the spark is gone, or something else is missing. You've mentioned your BF is very sensitive -- is this turning you off on a deeper level? 

I can honestly tell you that it’s the opposite. On paper, my boyfriend and I couldn’t be more different. But our differences have always complimented each other and I see a future with him. As for his sensitivity, that’s a trait of his that I wouldn’t ever want to change. 
 

Quote

If you decide to tell him, I would accept all accountability for what happened. Many women prefer to deny their own agency in these matters, instead placing accountability on alcohol, on him making the move, ie. "we had a few drinks, and it wasn't my intention, it just happened." I'm sorry, but your reasoning is cliche enough to be a meme. 

I do not think alcohol excuses my actions at all; I wouldn’t feel this guilty if I did. Describing it as a drunken mistake does not deny my agency in the situation, nor does it place the accountability on alcohol. I was the one who chose to drink and I was the one who acted recklessly. I describe it as such because I know how I feel about my boyfriend. What I did was reckless, self-destructive and selfish act. But it was not a reflection of my love for him. Rather, it was a reflection of personal flaws I now realise I need to fix. 

Quote

You were giving him the green light. It wasn't meaningless, because you have a pre-existing relationship with him, and acted upon a sexual connection with him. 

I can’t say I agree with the idea that I gave him the green light. I ended the kiss within seconds and was extremely taken aback when it happened. By no means was it something I anticipated at any point during the evening. We have been nothing more than friends for a decade and, until now, I had never had any reason to be weary of giving him the wrong impression (lesson well learned, of course).

Quote

Women who are in love with, and respect, their partners don't slip up like this. 

I am in love with my partner and there is not much else I can say about that.

And believe it or not, I respect my partner, too. The issue is that in that moment, I did not - and I will never forgive myself for disrespecting someone I love. But I know that I will never do it again. 

 

[taharazoom]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Another vote for 'take it to the grave'

But do go through some soul searching with how to best manage the situation you're in.

Soul searching is definitely a must regardless of my decision. I’ve definitely realised a lot of flaws in myself over the last few days (tendency to self sabotage, impulsive behaviour etc) and I hope that by working on myself, I become the kind of partner my boyfriend deserves. 

[basil67]

Good for you 

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, taharazoom said:

I can’t say I agree with the idea that I gave him the green light. I ended the kiss within seconds and was extremely taken aback when it happened. By no means was it something I anticipated at any point during the evening.

="it wasn't my intention, it just happened."

Unless you are saying this was a sexual assault, somewhere in the back of your mind, whether you'll admit it to yourself, you probably knew this was headed into these waters and it excited you on some level. 

Again I'm really not trying to brow-beat you over this, I'm just suggesting you take another perspective, that maybe you're not a reckless, irresponsible, selfish girl who can't get out of her own way. Maybe your relationship isn't as good as you want it to be. Girls who are in love with their boyfriends and happy in their relationships don't accidentally make out with other guys. As harsh as that sounds, I think it's something to think about in your soul-searching. 

If you come to the conclusion that no, you love your boyfriend, this relationship is forever, you slipped up once and learned your lesson, then this will be more meaningless the further it stays in the past and there's nothing to worry about. 30 years later, you tell boyfriend, now your husband, "I got drunk and briefly kissed another man 30 years ago," he'd have to be really petty and vindictive to care. 

If you are 100% committed to this relationship, and you would never do something like this again, then I don't see anything constructive happening by telling him. It will just cripple the relationship with distrust and resentment. 

Edited August 14, 2020 by rjc149

[Art.at.Heart]

10 hours ago, taharazoom said:

I think you misunderstood my meaning - I have no intention of cheating ever. My point was that there is a line, (e.g. wilful cheating and unfaithfulness) and if one crosses it, my logic does not apply and one must tell their partner - particularly as crossing this line could put into doubt whether they would want to continue the relationship. I do not feel I have crossed this line, nor do I ever intend to. That was all I meant by that. 
 

I believe you said that you kissed him back, no? You may not have initiated it or egged it on, but - by your own admission - you reciprocated (even if it was for a short moment). Just going by your rules above, it sounds like you would need to tell him.

[DKT3]

I don't believe its common for guys to just randomly kiss girls,  especially those they've known for years. I have to agree that something made him feel it was ok, couple that with the fact that you didn't reject the kiss likely means this was no "mistake" and there is likely feelings for this friend you can't bring yourself to own.

Secondly,  this idea that your boyfriend wouldn't find out if you don't tell him is naive and shortsighted.  

Your guilt alone will cause him concern.  People don't tend to act normal when guilty.  These things can slowly erode a relationship,  even a good one.

Lastly,  I do believe that you don't want to hurt your boyfriend,  however that isnt whats causing you to not want to tell him. You don't want to face the consequences.  Long term that will be a recurring problem.  Working on issues means working on THE issues, not just the ones that will make you feel better about betrayal and dishonesty. 

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Another vote for 'take it to the grave'

But do go through some soul searching with how to best manage the situation you're in.

I don't know,  if it was some random dude at a bar maybe, but a friend that she hangs out with often makes it a different kind of situation.  How does she handle it? I believe she has feelings for the guy.

If she pulls away wouldn't that mean pulling away from the group? That's suspicious.  If she trys to ignore it,  it will likely happen again because of the last sentence in the pervious paragraph. 

[taharazoom]

42 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I don't believe its common for guys to just randomly kiss girls,  especially those they've known for years. I have to agree that something made him feel it was ok, couple that with the fact that you didn't reject the kiss likely means this was no "mistake" and there is likely feelings for this friend you can't bring yourself to own.

Secondly,  this idea that your boyfriend wouldn't find out if you don't tell him is naive and shortsighted.  

Your guilt alone will cause him concern.  People don't tend to act normal when guilty.  These things can slowly erode a relationship,  even a good one.

Lastly,  I do believe that you don't want to hurt your boyfriend,  however that isnt whats causing you to not want to tell him. You don't want to face the consequences.  Long term that will be a recurring problem.  Working on issues means working on THE issues, not just the ones that will make you feel better about betrayal and dishonesty. 

I truly don’t believe I gave him that impression, but you make a fair point - something clearly went wrong during our interaction. That being said, all I know is that I had no intention making him feel like it was okay and that I don’t have any interest in him romantically. Realistically, our friendship will have to be put on hold indefinitely. 
 

And yes, you make very valid points. I’m not sure I am the kind of person who can hide secrets from my partner in the long term and I am definitely considering it. 

[DKT3]

7 minutes ago, taharazoom said:

I truly don’t believe I gave him that impression, but you make a fair point - something clearly went wrong during our interaction. That being said, all I know is that I had no intention making him feel like it was okay and that I don’t have any interest in him romantically. Realistically, our friendship will have to be put on hold indefinitely. 
 

And yes, you make very valid points. I’m not sure I am the kind of person who can hide secrets from my partner in the long term and I am definitely considering it. 

If you want a shot at having the kind of relationship that most women dream of it has be be built on honesty.  Not selective honesty. 

Telling your boyfriend is a risk,  a much greater risk than you believe it to be. But not telling him takes it out of your hands. Friends get jealous,  Friends get pissed and we all know what happens there. 

At the very least I would say "hey XXXX kissed me, I was confused and didn't pull away immediately " thats 95% true and in your control.  

Trust me, it will be ten times worse if he finds out 2 or 3 years down the road or by someone else.  

[usa1ah]

You should tell before he finds out. It never goes well when the betrayed partner finds out through the grapevine. 
 

It wasn’t just a kiss. It was cheating. 
 

I suggest you get the book, Not Just Friends. Read it, it will open your eyes to why you returned the kiss. 
 

 

[DKT3]

I'll give you a quick synopsis of a young woman who posted here some time back (Kate something,  I bunch of numbers I believe)

Just like you kate kiss a friend,  just like you people were suggesting to her there was more there. Months go by the guy messaged her and she met up with him, guess what happened? This happened a couple of times before she admitted she had feelings for the guy.

Which was her last post here.

Some here will downplay this whole thing, but signs indicate that there is more here. 

Set the scene: you were out with a group or friends,  somehow you two got separated from the group and engage in an intimate conversation.  At some point he closes in on you and you do nothing then he kissed you and you do nothing.  Worse yet you would like to remain friends with the guy, right? This guy who planted this unwanted kiss on you. Why are you not upset with him? Was it because you were caught up in the moment? Hmm, doesn't sound so harmless now. If some random guy kissed you would you react the same way? 

[Buffer]

His actions have changed the dynamics of your relationship and his friendship for every.

I feel he was waiting fir the right time to kiss you. It wasn’t a mists I but a calculated act on hud part. He wants to sleep with you.

He is not your friend any more. As he will always be in the background hoping for another one. He has to go, or tell your BF.

one day at a time 

buffer

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, taharazoom said:

We all got a little drunk and I ended up having a deep conversation with a close friend 

Why can't you have deep conversations with your BF? Point is, "friends" don't just start making out by mistake .