do I tell my partner about a short, meaningless kiss?

[taharazoom]

7 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I'll give you a quick synopsis of a young woman who posted here some time back (Kate something,  I bunch of numbers I believe)

Just like you kate kiss a friend,  just like you people were suggesting to her there was more there. Months go by the guy messaged her and she met up with him, guess what happened? This happened a couple of times before she admitted she had feelings for the guy.

Which was her last post here.

Some here will downplay this whole thing, but signs indicate that there is more here. 

Set the scene: you were out with a group or friends,  somehow you two got separated from the group and engage in an intimate conversation.  At some point he closes in on you and you do nothing then he kissed you and you do nothing.  Worse yet you would like to remain friends with the guy, right? This guy who planted this unwanted kiss on you. Why are you not upset with him? Was it because you were caught up in the moment? Hmm, doesn't sound so harmless now. If some random guy kissed you would you react the same way? 

We often hang out one on one, give each other relationship advice and he always used to describe me as “one of the guys.” The fact that we got separated from the group to have a meaningful conversation indicates nothing more than the fact that we have (or had) a very close friendship. It’s happened multiple times before with him as well as other friends and I never thought anything else of it. 

and actually, I’ve said multiple times that I have no issue distancing myself from him or even putting it on hold indefinitely. My relationship is priority and if I choose not to tell my partner, I still know he wouldn’t want me to see my friend. So I won’t. And I have no issue with discarding a decade long friendship for my relationship.

It happens often, I get that. It happened to that girl Kate and it happens to others. That doesn’t mean it’s happening here. There isn’t a universal rule for this kind of situation. I’m impulsive and I self-sabotage, sure. But I love my boyfriend - he is my best friend and I never want to be with anyone else. 

[taharazoom]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why can't you have deep conversations with your BF? Point is, "friends" don't just start making out by mistake .

Of course have deep conversations with my boyfriend. I have them with him, friends and family members. I didn’t know deep conversations were something you could only have with one person? Lol 

I wouldn’t really class it as making out. It was a kiss that lasted a few seconds, not a make out session. 

And we were friends. We’re not now - we’re not going to be able to be much of anything after what happened. 

[taharazoom]

6 hours ago, Buffer said:

His actions have changed the dynamics of your relationship and his friendship for every.

I feel he was waiting fir the right time to kiss you. It wasn’t a mists I but a calculated act on hud part. He wants to sleep with you.

He is not your friend any more. As he will always be in the background hoping for another one. He has to go, or tell your BF.

one day at a time 

buffer

I feel like perhaps I wouldn’t like to admit to myself that he’s always had ulterior motives because it’s hurtful. We’ve had such a long, meaningful friendship and to think that there was something else there on his part makes it seem as though aspects of our friendship would have been a lie. And it’s hard to accept that.

But you make valid points and either way, he does have to go. No matter my friend’s motives, keeping him in my life would be a continued sign of disrespect towards my boyfriend and our relationship.

[Mystery4u]

NO do not tell your boyfriend, as that will be the end of your relationship. Even if he forgives you, it will ALWAYS be in the back of his mind and things will never be the same again. You are not married. You know you made a mistake and it won't happen again. Telling him would only be to get rid of your guilt, it would not bring any benefit to the situation. As mentioned, take it to the grave.

As for this 'friend', he really is NOT your friend. Friend's dont go round kissing other friends that are in a relationship with someone else. This is the exact reason why being friends with him is a complete waste of your time. Your boyfriend is your best (guy) friend, there's no need for this other guy to be in your life. Drop him out of your life for good. Not much lost.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think your friend had been harboring thoughts of ruining your relationship.  He was drunk.  You two were having a "deep conversation"  At some point throughout your friendship he probably thought about what it would be like to be with you.  In that moment he went for it. 

I don't know that you have to completely end your friendship with him unless you want to.  I think you can keep him on your social media, send a holiday card & exchange public pleasantries when your paths cross.  But you are right, out of respect for your relationship you can't be alone with him.  

[taharazoom]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't think your friend had been harboring thoughts of ruining your relationship.  He was drunk.  You two were having a "deep conversation"  At some point throughout your friendship he probably thought about what it would be like to be with you.  In that moment he went for it. 

I don't know that you have to completely end your friendship with him unless you want to.  I think you can keep him on your social media, send a holiday card & exchange public pleasantries when your paths cross.  But you are right, out of respect for your relationship you can't be alone with him.  

Yeah that’s what I figured! But I guess the suggestions on this thread have made me wonder whether there was something else. I truly hope it’s what you’re saying, though and I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt in that regard. 

And oh yeah! I have no issue with exchanging pleasantries and I won’t cut him out of my life entirely - he’s still present in one of my social circles and I’m not going to abandon it. But we have had a close friendship and that will ultimately have to change. As you said, one on one time or perhaps even smaller group hang-outs (we occasionally hang out as a three with another friend of ours, for example) will have to go. He definitely won’t be a close friend and he’ll barely be able to be an active friend. Besides, I forgot until this morning that he‘ll likely be moving to a different city for a few years within the next month or two - so distancing myself should be very easy. 

[Fletch Lives]

Don't tell your lover things you should reserve for a counselor. It could hurt your relationship but never help it. Take it to your grave.

And stop getting drunk and putting yourself into those positions.

Edited August 14, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[amerikajin]

9 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I'll give you a quick synopsis of a young woman who posted here some time back (Kate something,  I bunch of numbers I believe)

Just like you kate kiss a friend,  just like you people were suggesting to her there was more there. Months go by the guy messaged her and she met up with him, guess what happened? This happened a couple of times before she admitted she had feelings for the guy.

Which was her last post here.

Some here will downplay this whole thing, but signs indicate that there is more here. 

Set the scene: you were out with a group or friends,  somehow you two got separated from the group and engage in an intimate conversation.  At some point he closes in on you and you do nothing then he kissed you and you do nothing.  Worse yet you would like to remain friends with the guy, right? This guy who planted this unwanted kiss on you. Why are you not upset with him? Was it because you were caught up in the moment? Hmm, doesn't sound so harmless now. If some random guy kissed you would you react the same way? 

I know of anecdotes in which the opposite happened: it was a one-time kiss under the influence of alcohol. A lifelong friend of mine went on a beach trip after high school graduation and made out with a girl under the influence of alcohol - he had a steady girlfriend at the time who later became his wife. To his credit, he came clean and told her what happened, and you could argue that coming clean was part of the healing process. But he was lucky that she accepted him; he could have been dumped.

I'm not normally a proponent of lying, but if what the OP is saying is true, it's just a stupid mistake, and the blame is only partially her fault. What's really important is that she consider what the kiss really meant. If it's a sign that she's not fulfilled, then she needs to address that with her current partner, and maybe this in fact would be important to disclose if she decides to have that conversation. That's the type of conversation in which you really do want all the facts on the table.

But if she likes her guy and just got carried away with alcohol - which can happen to anyone who drinks - then I'd just consider whether it's wise to continue drinking and stay sober and get drunk only around my guy.

 

 

[amerikajin]

37 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Don't tell your lover things you should reserve for a counselor. It could hurt your relationship but never help it. Take it to your grave.

And stop getting drunk and putting yourself into those positions.

I think that's the bottom line: stop getting drunk. Take it from someone who's been drunk more than I care to say, alcohol makes you do really dumb s***.

[smackie9]

Say nothing, and move past this. All you have to do is learn, .....avoid having drunken deep one on one conversations with another guy.

Edited August 14, 2020 by smackie9

[Art.at.Heart]

11 hours ago, taharazoom said:

and actually, I’ve said multiple times that I have no issue distancing myself from him or even putting it on hold indefinitely. My relationship is priority and if I choose not to tell my partner, I still know he wouldn’t want me to see my friend. So I won’t. And I have no issue with discarding a decade long friendship for my relationship.
 

Wait...so regardless of whether or not he kissed you, your boyfriend would have an issue with you being friends with this guy?

[Wiseman2]

Maybe you need to be single and free for a while.

All these minimizing terms " I was drunk, he initiated, it was brief, it meant nothing,etc" sound like a rehearsal speech for typical cheaters.

You seem to not respect your BF or the relationship. Cut to the chase and end it without telling him 

Perhaps you want to tell him so he pulls the plug and sets you free to be with your " friend".

[taharazoom]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps you want to tell him so he pulls the plug and sets you free to be with your " friend".

I don’t want to be with my friend, nor do I particularly want to be friends with him anymore. So, no. But thanks! 
 

And I don’t believe he’d pull the plug because it’s quite clear to anyone who knows me that I care deeply for my relationship. The issue at hand is that I can be horribly reckless at times - a character flaw I now acknowledge and am set to work on. 

[taharazoom]

20 hours ago, Art.at.Heart said:

Wait...so regardless of whether or not he kissed you, your boyfriend would have an issue with you being friends with this guy?

No, he quite likes my friend. But if I told my boyfriend what happened, I doubt he’d want me to be around him. Which would be completely justifiable. 

[Art.at.Heart]

19 hours ago, taharazoom said:

No, he quite likes my friend. But if I told my boyfriend what happened, I doubt he’d want me to be around him. Which would be completely justifiable. 

Ahhh I misread what you were saying. My mistake.

[taharazoom]

Update to everyone:

I ended up telling my boyfriend. The guilt was too much and I couldn’t stand keeping secrets from him. 
 

As a further reiteration of how wonderful a partner he is: he was not worried about what happened, but instead, expressed more concerned over how I was doing. He accepted that this incident was a one-time mistake and asked me to be weary of how much I drink - particularly when he’s not there. He was slightly hurt that I didn’t tell him immediately after (good thing I decided to confess!), but understands that I only delayed telling him because I wasn’t sure of what the right thing to do was.  He justifiably wants me to be much more careful and asks that I take the time to work on myself now that this has happened. After our conversation, I have full faith that we will be able to work through what happened, together.
 

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to give me advice through this difficult time. So much love to you all! 

Edited August 16, 2020 by taharazoom

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, taharazoom said:

I ended up telling my boyfriend. 

As a further reiteration of how wonderful a partner he is: he was not worried about what happened, but instead, expressed more concerned over how I was doing. He accepted that this incident was a one-time mistake and asked me to be weary of how much I drink - particularly when he’s not there.

Excellent. I guess your new philosophy will be honesty is the best policy?😉

[Commongoal123]

OP.... if the dynamics of this whole situation were flipped...

Would you want your bf to tell you, or intentionally keep you in the dark?  Especially considering it would have happened with a girl he was friends with longer than he's even known you?

All of this also begs the question why you responded to this kiss positively...  alcohol isn't an excuse for it.

I have to be honest here and piggyback off of some of the other replies here...

You said you are "definitely going to keep your guard up more around your other guy friends"...

Why so insistent on having so many to begin with who you feel you are close enough to, to need to keep a guard up with?  Especially after this?

The shame and guilt you feel is a consequence of your own actions, and no-one else's.

Something feels very off here.  As a poster above said.... a faithful person doesn't think about what they'd do in the future if something more serious were to happen...

[Commongoal123]

On 8/16/2020 at 4:22 PM, taharazoom said:

Update to everyone:

I ended up telling my boyfriend. The guilt was too much and I couldn’t stand keeping secrets from him. 
 

As a further reiteration of how wonderful a partner he is: he was not worried about what happened, but instead, expressed more concerned over how I was doing. He accepted that this incident was a one-time mistake and asked me to be weary of how much I drink - particularly when he’s not there. He was slightly hurt that I didn’t tell him immediately after (good thing I decided to confess!), but understands that I only delayed telling him because I wasn’t sure of what the right thing to do was.  He justifiably wants me to be much more careful and asks that I take the time to work on myself now that this has happened. After our conversation, I have full faith that we will be able to work through what happened, together.
 

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to give me advice through this difficult time. So much love to you all! 

Missed this update somehow...

I feel as though something like this will happen again in the future due to your comments about being reckless, and a few other flags I saw waving in your posts throughout this thread.

Try not to act as though the world, and all of the people in it, revolve around you.  Which is certainly going to be difficult with a bf who acts like it does.  That, unfortunately, will probably be a hard lesson he has to learn someday.

[Commongoal123]

On 8/16/2020 at 11:53 AM, Art.at.Heart said:

Ahhh I misread what you were saying. My mistake.

LOL... I'm pretty sure you read that exactly as it was written...