Was This Unnecessarily Nasty?

[Not So Sad Now]

So my ex cheated on me and phoned me up to tell me and dump me in a 3 minute phone call 2 months ago.  In his words "Sorry, I'm seeing someone else now". He also immediately blocked me on his phone.  I've been no contact for 2 months but it really bothered me that he had a lot of my stuff, namely bedding, pillows, etc and the thought of someone else using them...well anyway you get the gist.  So 2 days ago, I messaged him on WhatsApp about it, quite a factual pleasant message saying I would like my stuff back, although there was no hurry and I really didn't want him to dump them on my doorstep, as that would really upset me as I've found lockdown quite hard, as have we all.

He replied quite quickly to say he had forgotten about them and would come round with them and when suited.  So in my innocence, I gave him the times I would be in and he came round while I was out and dumped the stuff at my front door.   

He then sent me a text saying he had left my things at my door as he "thought it best we don't meet".

Its as if he has gone out of his way to get more mileage out of being nasty.  I thought his tone was quite arrogant when he messaged me, he didn't sound anything like the usual caring guy he likes people to think he is.  I could have arranged a mutual friend to pick the stuff up if he wanted but there was just something particularly hurtful about coming back to finding your things dumped in bags in front of your house.

I'm almost not as upset as I might be because he is being so awful, it almost doesn't seem real.  Like some kind of parody of the most horrible way to break up.  I did phone Samaritans last night to talk and that helped me a lot.  I feel better today.  

Needless to say, I immediately threw out the bedding and pillows anyway, because I suspect he has slept with someone else in them and they weren't even clean.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. He seems like a player who did not take things as seriously as you did.

Good you threw the stuff out.

It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from all social media and messaging apps.

This way you can have some peace and move forward.

[d0nnivain]

It wasn't nasty.  He was trying to be expeditious & not drag this out.  Your feelings are raw so anything he did that was not exceedingly gracious was going to rub you the wrong way.  You got your stuff back to take that victory & close the door on this chapter of your life.  

The unceremonious way he dumped you would leave anyone reeling.  

[schlumpy]

He was protecting himself from any drama that might occur. I can understand that.

I'm surprised his new GF didn't throw the bedding away knowing what he and you had share on top of them.

There are common responses to common thoughts in these situations.

[Not So Sad Now]

49 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

He was protecting himself from any drama that might occur. I can understand that.

I'm surprised his new GF didn't throw the bedding away knowing what he and you had share on top of them.

There are common responses to common thoughts in these situations.

I doubt he has a new girlfriend, it will be someone he is using for sex, and it might already be finished.  I found out who it is/was, and its not a girl that anyone from his background would consider for a relationship.  I hope that doesn't sound too unkind.  She's very rough, not very attractive, and I'm shocked but if I listen to my gut instinct, not entirely surprised.  There was  flirting on social media between them around the right time (he never flirts online usually) and she told a mutual friend about how she had met someone who met exactly his description and the business he runs, of which there is only one in our city.  I actually feel sorry for her.

A few years back, he broke up with me after 2 months, and clearly he liked me enough to have another shot and keep me around, but I think you should listen to them when they are telling you quite clearly what they are.  His excuse was that he was bad at relationships, a bad boyfriend.  Previously he used to say he didn't want a relationship, but I guess he worked out that wasn't getting him enough sex so he's going with the bad at relationships line now.  Albeit he was the perfect boyfriend when we were together, he even started being interested in my hobbies and changed his political opinions to fit in with mine.

Having my bedding dumped on my doorstep is my worst nightmare.  My home is my sanctuary, and bringing his behaviour to its doorstep makes me feel very unhappy.  Please can I say to anyone out there never to do that with regards to your ex's stuff, unless they specifically ask you to.  Its a horrible thing to come home to.

[Realitysux]

20 minutes ago, Not So Sad Now said:

I doubt he has a new girlfriend, it will be someone he is using for sex, and it might already be finished.  I found out who it is/was, and its not a girl that anyone from his background would consider for a relationship.  I hope that doesn't sound too unkind.  She's very rough, not very attractive, and I'm shocked but if I listen to my gut instinct, not entirely surprised.  There was  flirting on social media between them around the right time (he never flirts online usually) and she told a mutual friend about how she had met someone who met exactly his description and the business he runs, of which there is only one in our city.  I actually feel sorry for her.

A few years back, he broke up with me after 2 months, and clearly he liked me enough to have another shot and keep me around, but I think you should listen to them when they are telling you quite clearly what they are.  His excuse was that he was bad at relationships, a bad boyfriend.  Previously he used to say he didn't want a relationship, but I guess he worked out that wasn't getting him enough sex so he's going with the bad at relationships line now.  Albeit he was the perfect boyfriend when we were together, he even started being interested in my hobbies and changed his political opinions to fit in with mine.

Having my bedding dumped on my doorstep is my worst nightmare.  My home is my sanctuary, and bringing his behaviour to its doorstep makes me feel very unhappy.  Please can I say to anyone out there never to do that with regards to your ex's stuff, unless they specifically ask you to.  Its a horrible thing to come home to.

Who are you to tell if anyone would date this women, that she's rough and unattractive? You are the one typing about it on a forum and he doesn't want to see you. 

[Not So Sad Now]

2 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Who are you to tell if anyone would date this women, that she's rough and unattractive? You are the one typing about it on a forum and he doesn't want to see you. 

I'm pretty sure of my judgement.  Thats how she was described by the mutual friend.  I asked her if she was exaggerating to make me feel better, and she said no, if anything she was being kind to her.  Had a look at her FB page and its pretty rough, lots of comments about sexual acts and degradation and all of it public.  So yes, I do trust my judgement here. 

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, Not So Sad Now said:

I'm pretty sure of my judgement.  Thats how she was described by the mutual friend.  I asked her if she was exaggerating to make me feel better, and she said no, if anything she was being kind to her.  Had a look at her FB page and its pretty rough, lots of comments about sexual acts and degradation and all of it public.  So yes, I do trust my judgement here. 

I'm rough but so far lots of men find me attractive. I'm rough as in physically strong and able to take a fight rough. In RL

Edited August 13, 2020 by Realitysux

[Ruby Slippers]

This guy definitely sounds like a loser.

But don't dwell on it.

Reflect on why you let this kind of guy anywhere near you. Focus on choosing better for yourself in the future.

[Not So Sad Now]

2 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This guy definitely sounds like a loser.

But don't dwell on it.

Reflect on why you let this kind of guy anywhere near you. Focus on choosing better for yourself in the future.

I let him near me because I've known him for 15 years and know his family.  So I overlooked all the red flags because of that.  And he came across to me as the perfect boyfriend, really cultured, very moral and almost obsessed by obeying rules.

[Not So Sad Now]

4 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I'm rough but so far lots of men find me attractive. I'm rough as in physically strong and able to take a fight rough. In RL

Well, she's not that kind of rough.  She's rough as in talking about sexual acts on social media in graphic detail rough and living in a dirty house and talking about being dirty rough.  I dare say she's possibly a nice person although she is known for trying to steal a friend's husband (and failing) and doing a sexual act on someone behind a bush at a party.  My ex would be scared of you.  

[Realitysux]

5 minutes ago, Not So Sad Now said:

Well, she's not that kind of rough.  She's rough as in talking about sexual acts on social media in graphic detail rough and living in a dirty house and talking about being dirty rough.  I dare say she's possibly a nice person although she is known for trying to steal a friend's husband (and failing) and doing a sexual act on someone behind a bush at a party.  My ex would be scared of you.  

Well I'm a very clean person but in the midst of my illness, my house was a disgusting mess and I could barely even get out of bed. I would hope your ex would be very afraid of me 

[Not So Sad Now]

2 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Well I'm a very clean person but in the midst of my illness, my house was a disgusting mess and I could barely even get out of bed. I would hope your ex would be very afraid of me 

Oh dear, that made me laugh!  

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Not So Sad Now said:

Needless to say, I immediately threw out the bedding and pillows anyway, because I suspect he has slept with someone else in them and they weren't even clean.

Ok, so why did you even ask for it back then, if you were just going to throw it away?  I don't get it.  You could have said to him "I need my stuff back.  Except the pillows and bedding, don't bother to bring that back."

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Not So Sad Now said:

Having my bedding dumped on my doorstep is my worst nightmare.  My home is my sanctuary, and bringing his behaviour to its doorstep makes me feel very unhappy.  Please can I say to anyone out there never to do that with regards to your ex's stuff, unless they specifically ask you to.  Its a horrible thing to come home to.

You're being a little overdramatic.  You told him you wanted your stuff back.  So he left your stuff in bags at your front door, and he said he thinks it's best if you don't meet.  That's not a terribly unreasonable thing for him to do.  If your stuff was thrown around, then yes that would be nasty.  But if it was neatly in bags, then no that's not nasty.  You're using the word "dumped", as in your stuff was "dumped" on your doorstep.  One might say, instead, that he left your stuff for you.  Simple as that.

[AIJ]

I'm not really seeing an issue here besides binning you off for another woman, and even then he was pretty straight to the point. I admire his approach honestly. No dramas. 

To me it just seems like you were looking for an excuse to talk to him in person for whatever reason. He didn't give you that opportunity and as such, you're upset. Fair enough. Now he has made it abundantly clear he has no intentions of ever rekindling with you, it's time to move on. 

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, Not So Sad Now said:

he came round while I was out and dumped the stuff at my front door.   

He then sent me a text saying he had left my things at my door as he "thought it best we don't meet".

I think this is all bravado on his part because he knows he's so wrong and foul about what he did that he's afraid to face you and feel the reproach, which he does deserve.

He was grown enough to do it, but he's not grown enough to stand in that truth and take his butt whippin' for said truth... 

You are so much better off without him...

[Not So Sad Now]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok, so why did you even ask for it back then, if you were just going to throw it away?  I don't get it.  You could have said to him "I need my stuff back.  Except the pillows and bedding, don't bother to bring that back."

Because I didn't want another woman having sex with him on my bedding.  Stuff that I had bought and taken there.  I didn't trust him to throw it away.  I think he would have just kept using them.  

Edited August 13, 2020 by Not So Sad Now

[Not So Sad Now]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You're being a little overdramatic.  You told him you wanted your stuff back.  So he left your stuff in bags at your front door, and he said he thinks it's best if you don't meet.  That's not a terribly unreasonable thing for him to do.  If your stuff was thrown around, then yes that would be nasty.  But if it was neatly in bags, then no that's not nasty.  You're using the word "dumped", as in your stuff was "dumped" on your doorstep.  One might say, instead, that he left your stuff for you.  Simple as that.

I don't understand why he had to tell me that we were over because he was in a new relationship.  He could given any number of the usual excuses that people normally give.  I didn't need to hear it, and I don't want to hear it.  If he is in another relationship, its his business and his alone.  All I needed to know is that we were over.  Because being specifically told you have been cheated on and dumped is really cruel.  Being dumped is enough on its own.

I am wondering if he is actually enjoying being so foul in a perverted sort of way.  He literally couldn't have done things in a worse way.  I asked him not to dump my stuff in front of my door because it would upset me, and he immediately went and did it.  But of course, it can also be interpreted as being "really straight and honest".

[AIJ]

1 minute ago, Not So Sad Now said:

I don't understand why he had to tell me that we were over because he was in a new relationship.  He could given any number of the usual excuses that people normally give.  I didn't need to hear it, and I don't want to hear it.  If he is in another relationship, its his business and his alone.  All I needed to know is that we were over.  Because being specifically told you have been cheated on and dumped is really cruel.  Being dumped is enough on its own.

I am wondering if he is actually enjoying being so foul in a perverted sort of way.  He literally couldn't have done things in a worse way.  I asked him not to dump my stuff in front of my door because it would upset me, and he immediately went and did it.  But of course, it can also be interpreted as being "really straight and honest".

To stop you from holding any false hope of him coming back. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. 

How else did you expect him to give you your things back without having to engage in any unnecessary conversations/drama with you? 

[Not So Sad Now]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

I think this is all bravado on his part because he knows he's so wrong and foul about what he did that he's afraid to face you and feel the reproach, which he does deserve.

He was grown enough to do it, but he's not grown enough to stand in that truth and take his butt whippin' for said truth... 

You are so much better off without him...

Yeah, its actually amazing that it almost seems to be my fault that all this happened to me.  I feel like I'm the one in the wrong.  I honestly didn't have a clue what to do or how best to deal with it.  I haven't even said anything bad to him.  I've really tried to be polite, purely because you have a choice in the matter, and its the best that I can do with whats happened.

[Not So Sad Now]

Just now, AIJ said:

To stop you from holding any false hope of him coming back. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. 

How else did you expect him to give you your things back without having to engage in any unnecessary conversations/drama with you? 

As I say, I don't want to know whether he is with another woman.  I didn't catch him cheating, I didn't need to know.  Theres no kindness whatsoever in being that level of cruel.  Its far more about convenience for him, to give him an excuse to cut me off without any further courtesy.  

I would have liked to have had happy memories of him.

[AIJ]

1 minute ago, Not So Sad Now said:

As I say, I don't want to know whether he is with another woman.  I didn't catch him cheating, I didn't need to know.  Theres no kindness whatsoever in being that level of cruel.  Its far more about convenience for him, to give him an excuse to cut me off without any further courtesy.  

I would have liked to have had happy memories of him.

It's really not about convenience. It's about giving you every reason to move on without bothering him further, he didn't want you to linger whilst he pursued something with another woman hence why he blocked you immediately. You would have found out about the other woman at some point anyway so why would you want to have spent weeks/months torturing yourself hoping there might be some chance of reconciliation only to find out he has been pursuing another woman the entire time? 

[Not So Sad Now]

13 minutes ago, AIJ said:

It's really not about convenience. It's about giving you every reason to move on without bothering him further, he didn't want you to linger whilst he pursued something with another woman hence why he blocked you immediately. You would have found out about the other woman at some point anyway so why would you want to have spent weeks/months torturing yourself hoping there might be some chance of reconciliation only to find out he has been pursuing another woman the entire time? 

Thats just too convoluted reasoning for me to take in right now.  All I know is that for me not to have taken this as badly, I needed him not to tell me that he cheated and was dumping me for the woman he cheated on me with.  He's pretty good at ending relationships firmly - that is something he really doesn't struggle with.  I would say he is an expert in fact, he told me he had ended a couple of Tinder relationships very quickly because "they wanted more".  He told me about ending a previous longer relationship.  When he ended it with me previously, we weren't in contact for nearly 2 years and I had moved on with my life.  It was he who started it up again.  I doubt very much that I would have found out about the other woman, as I only talked to people because I was so upset, and he never goes out much anyway and barely uses social media, so its unlikely I would have seen them together. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by Not So Sad Now

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Not So Sad Now said:

Because I didn't want another woman having sex with him on my bedding.  Stuff that I had bought and taken there.  I didn't trust him to throw it away.  I think he would have just kept using them.  

Understandable. In any high-conflict situation, it's better to avoid face-to-face confrontation. It's a way to deescalate the situation. In the long run you threw it out (understandable) so it served it's purpose. You didn't have to see him and he is not going to use your stuff you left there. In fact consider the way the whole thing went down as closure.