Bored with life.

[Jamesones10123]

Hi all. 

Been married 13 years have 3 children together. We've had our ups and downs like any other couple. But I feel as tho i dont want to be here anymore and im only here for the kids. 

I dont know what to do for the best. I am happier when im alone or its just me and the kids. I have thought about leaving a few times before but never gone ahead with it as i dont want to upset the kids or for them to resent me. 

I dont know what to do for the best or how to tell my wife that i want to leave as the wife is not very co-operative. I get blamed for most things and when we do agree on the odd occasion to change things nothing actually changes. Its the same old boring life.

[Veronica73]

What are the problems with your wife besides that you are bored and that your arguments usually lead to her blaming you? Also, do you love her?

[d0nnivain]

Before you divorce what have you done to add fun & excitement to your same old boring marriage?  

This stuff that your wife blames you for have you talked about it?  Is any part of her criticism valid?   Have you tried working together to fix the problems? 

Divorcing simply because you are bored seems immature & selfish.  Life, marriage & kids are about responsibility.  

[schlumpy]

I suggest that you get into marriage counseling and tell her where a third party can referee.

She may have no idea how you feel and may make efforts to save the marriage.

If she doesn't, then what have you to lose?

You are already checking out of the marriage so it's only matter of time.

[Wiseman2]

Without mentioning it, talk to an attorney so you could get some advice about what a separation, divorce child support and visitation would entail. This way you can reflect in a more informed way rather than feeling stuck.

[dangerous]

I've been there. look at yourself 10 years ahead: do you want to be with her/ in this life, or have a new one? 

And children pick up on unhappy marriages. better to be separate and love your kids than to argue with wife or be miserable around them. When I left my wife (after 25 years!) my daughter said "dad, I'm surprised you didn't leave earlier"!

Happiness and health is everything. Think about it.

Edited August 14, 2020 by dangerous

[FudgeSwirl]

Before you even get serious about wanting a divorce, you need to think about it carefully.  Boredom is not a sufficient enough reason and even more so because you have children involved so you should dig deeper within yourself and see what the true reason is behind your desire to leave. to  Even the easiest divorce is emotionally draining and leaves scars so that is why I urge you identify the real reasons you want a divorce.

If you have come up with valid reasons before you do anything talk to your wife about your concerns first and go to marriage counseling.  Marriage counseling will not guarantee things will work out but it will assist no matter the outcome is with an impartial party involved.  If things don't work out even with the marriage counselor, that person can at least assist you both to the steps leading to divorce to help not only both of you but your children as well.

[Jamesones10123]

8 hours ago, FudgeSwirl said:

Before you even get serious about wanting a divorce, you need to think about it carefully.  Boredom is not a sufficient enough reason and even more so because you have children involved so you should dig deeper within yourself and see what the true reason is behind your desire to leave. to  Even the easiest divorce is emotionally draining and leaves scars so that is why I urge you identify the real reasons you want a divorce.

If you have come up with valid reasons before you do anything talk to your wife about your concerns first and go to marriage counseling.  Marriage counseling will not guarantee things will work out but it will assist no matter the outcome is with an impartial party involved.  If things don't work out even with the marriage counselor, that person can at least assist you both to the steps leading to divorce to help not only both of you but your children as well.

Wife doesnt want to go to councelling. We have read about it online and we have tried some of the steps that was suggested. But wife reverts back to her old ways. Always blaming me for things even when they have nothing to do with me. 

She wont share the driving either as she says she doesnt like driving. But if her family wants to go somewhere she will drive them no matter where it is. 

As im disabled and shes my carer. I feel as tho im stuck in a rut. 

[schlumpy]

5 minutes ago, Jamesones10123 said:

As im disabled and shes my carer. I feel as tho im stuck in a rut. 

If she is mistreating you and you don't find the courage to make a change then you will have to accept whatever she is willing to give you that day.

I understand a little bit about caregiving because my wife is disabled. It can be a real bear getting the right balance between spouse and caregiver. They are not same a similar thought processes.

She may be struggling with it.

Although you make it sound as if she is taking advantage of you and that it will only be worse in the future as it is more difficult for you to object.

Is it possible for someone to come in a few hours each day and take over her caretaker duties so she has time for herself?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jamesones10123 said:

As im disabled and shes my carer. I feel as tho im stuck in a rut. 

See what your doctors can do to help you get some social services and support. Carers can get very burned out. So this situation is untenable for both of you. Can you get a nurse or attendant to come help you out?

[Jamesones10123]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

If she is mistreating you and you don't find the courage to make a change then you will have to accept whatever she is willing to give you that day.

I understand a little bit about caregiving because my wife is disabled. It can be a real bear getting the right balance between spouse and caregiver. They are not same a similar thought processes.

She may be struggling with it.

Although you make it sound as if she is taking advantage of you and that it will only be worse in the future as it is more difficult for you to object.

Is it possible for someone to come in a few hours each day and take over her caretaker duties so she has time for herself?

I have suggested that. But she says that she doesnt need help as she can do it. But then still ropes me in to do everyday household chores. That i struggle to do

[schlumpy]

2 minutes ago, Jamesones10123 said:

I have suggested that. But she says that she doesnt need help as she can do it. But then still ropes me in to do everyday household chores. That i struggle to do

I can't know what your wife's reasoning is. She may truly not understand how difficult it is for you.

I never expect my wife to do things that I know she can't do but I have years of experience. Whatever she can do within a reasonable safety margin I say nothing about. She has a deep need to feel that she is useful and can contribute. She wants to know she has some value. I only step in when she is pushing the physical boundaries of what I know she can do because any serious injury she suffers not only affects her.

It's a tricky balance between being a wife and the caretaker. It can be 50/50 or 80/20 or 20/80. 

What percentages do you want your wife to be?

 

 

[Jamesones10123]

4 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I can't know what your wife's reasoning is. She may truly not understand how difficult it is for you.

I never expect my wife to do things that I know she can't do but I have years of experience. Whatever she can do within a reasonable safety margin I say nothing about. She has a deep need to feel that she is useful and can contribute. She wants to know she has some value. I only step in when she is pushing the physical boundaries of what I know she can do because any serious injury she suffers not only affects her.

It's a tricky balance between being a wife and the caretaker. It can be 50/50 or 80/20 or 20/80. 

What percentages do you want your wife to be?

 

 

50/50 would be nice. Not me giving it 80/20 all the time and then me burning myself out and needing a few days rest time to recover. Not that i get that either as she still expects me to keep going.

[schlumpy]

Are you afraid if you draw up a list of what you can do and can't do she will react badly?

Do you suspect she's looking for a reason to leave? 

[FudgeSwirl]

I'm sorry for your situation as your wife's behavior is unacceptable.  As your spouse she should know your capability level.  I apologize that I am unfamiliar with how this would work in the UK, but would NHS cover a part-time aid to help you?  If yes and nothing changes at home, your wife has some deep-bedded issues that have nothing to do with burnout as a carer.  Does your wife tell you why she refuses counseling?  Online information is great but actually have a mediator in front of you is a different experience.

[Jamesones10123]

11 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Are you afraid if you draw up a list of what you can do and can't do she will react badly?

Do you suspect she's looking for a reason to leave? 

Shes not what i can and cant do. But stilll pushes me to extreme.

 

[Jamesones10123]

7 hours ago, FudgeSwirl said:

I'm sorry for your situation as your wife's behavior is unacceptable.  As your spouse she should know your capability level.  I apologize that I am unfamiliar with how this would work in the UK, but would NHS cover a part-time aid to help you?  If yes and nothing changes at home, your wife has some deep-bedded issues that have nothing to do with burnout as a carer.  Does your wife tell you why she refuses counseling?  Online information is great but actually have a mediator in front of you is a different experience.

Yes i could get help from the nhs. But the wife says that she can do it as shes my carer. But then expects me to do it. 

I have asked her about counselling. She said she didnt want anyone interfering in our marriage. Thats why we tried doing it ourselves online. 

She told me yesterday that "im boring" im not quite sure what she expects me to do or what she wants. As when i questioned it she didnt answer.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Jamesones10123 said:

Shes not what i can and cant do. But stilll pushes me to extreme.

 

Who works and pays the bills? How serious is your disability? Does she expect you to do some household stuff and help with the kids?

You need to get more caregiver support from the outside and stop being resentful.

Your wife and marriage are not the problem. Your dependence and lack of acceptance of your circumstances is.

Are you on chronic pain medication?  Do you attend any sort of physical and mental health therapy?  

It sounds like she's there out of duty or pity, but doesn't see you as a partner.

You are too absorbed in your condition and you need to help yourself more. Rather than blame her for all your problems .

Edited August 16, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Jamesones10123]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who works and pays the bills? How serious is your disability? Does she expect you to do some household stuff and help with the kids?

You need to get more caregiver support from the outside and stop being resentful.

Your wife and marriage are not the problem. Your dependence and lack of acceptance of your circumstances is.

Are you on chronic pain medication?  Do you attend any sort of physical and mental health therapy? 

Dont work due to my disability and as i said my wife is my "carer". She always wants me to help out around the house. She cant even make a roast dinner " as she dont like touching raw meat" or peeling potatoes. 

Yes im on numerous chronic pain meds. And have physio and chiropractor to help me. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Jamesones10123 said:

 

Yes im on numerous chronic pain meds. And have physio and chiropractor to help me. 

Is it possible you have developed a dependence on opioids?

If so, you need to talk to your doctor.

[Jamesones10123]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it possible you have developed a dependence on opioids?

If so, you need to talk to your doctor.

Im not dependent on them. I only take then when i reallly need too. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jamesones10123 said:

Dont work due to my disability and as i said my wife is my "carer.  

Are you on temporary or permanent disability? Do you get disability payments that help out?

How long since you worked? What do you do all day if you can't help out with a few simple tasks?

Maybe it's time to get back to some sort of work so you don't feel so bored and henpecked. If you can drive and use a computer, you could find something.

Your wife isn't the problem. Your disability and depending on her too much is.

[schlumpy]

Stop listening to your wife and contact the health service for some in home care.

If you can't trust your wife to make decisions in your interest then you will have to do it yourself.

[Prudence V]

On 8/13/2020 at 3:03 PM, Jamesones10123 said:

I have thought about leaving a few times before but never gone ahead with it as i dont want to upset the kids or for them to resent me. 

You don’t mention how old the kids are, but I’m guessing that they’re at least old enough for you to explain in some age-appropriate way that the way your wife is treating you is making you unhappy and that you’d rather be a great dad than an unhappy one. 
 

You can probably get assistance from your local council to find somewhere to live, and some care, and in your position where your wife isn’t interested in changing, I’d simply go ahead and organise it and present her with the done deal when she’s no longer in a position to scupper it. 

[Wiseman2]

Hard to afford divorce on disability checks and when your wife is the sole earner, carer and household and child caretaker.

Getting divorced however would probably be a welcome relief for her so run it by her.