Sex and Marriage

[gmp]

I am 28 and have been married for 5 years. My husband is wonderful as a person and we get along very well as best friends, generally. I was thinking of leaving him as I thought not being in love was a big issue, but after counselling, found that to love someone, withouth having been in love, is just as valuable.

 

We have a great friendship. I wish he was more wordly and enthusiastic about getting out and doing things with me, but basically we get along well together. Apart from this, the only issue is sex. It has never been passionate and I don't really get turned on by him. However, I have felt strong desires for other people.

 

The thing is, I can't imagine only ever having sex with him for the rest of my life. But, I also know he is a wonderful person and we have something special, albeit lacking in passion. I really want to experience that passion though.

 

What I want is your experiences. Has anyone been in this situation and had regrets or done something they wish they hadn't? Is unfulfilling sex the reason to leave such a good friendship? Should I just forget the sex and be thankful for everything I have? Since I am too young to have had a lot of experiences and long relationships to judge what is important, I need some feedback.

 

We are at a point of selling our house and now is a good time to make a break, if that's what I am going to do. I have put this off for a long time, but I need to make a decision. I know I would lose my best friend, and I would miss him greatly. I also know I want and need to feel the joy of sexual expression with someone I feel passion for. I feel extremely selfish now, knowing it's coming to this, and also scared of making the wrong decision.

 

Your help would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Buckeyegal]

Speaking from experience, let me tell you that passion is greatly overrated. Yes, it's a heady, exhilerating sensation in the beginning, but without a solid foundation of friendship, respect, a genuine caring for each other, a relationship based only on passion will never make it through the long haul. While I've never left a relationship in order to experience more passion, I have entered a couple based pretty much solely on that reason. Needless to say, they didn't work out...remember, passion can only take you so far, one day you may wake up next to that person and think "What am I doing? I don't even like this guy" and guess what happens then? The passion is gone, and there's nothing left to sustain the relationship. You say that you haven't had much experience previous to your marriage and chances are that neither has he. As unromantic as it sounds, sexual techniques don't automatically come naturally...they have to practiced and perfected. Set aside alone time for the two of you, read some sex books, watch adult videos, give each other long sensuous massages by candlelight, be playful, concentrate on foreplay. You don't say whether you have children or not, but often that's a factor...being young working parents can be stressful. If you are parents, make it a priority to have a little time for just the two of you...I guess it all depends on how much you really love him, I'd say give it a shot...the grass aint always greener.

[gmp]

Yes I know what you are saying here. We don't have kids and I have had quite a few experiences prior to being married. I am also very adventurous and extremely open about my sexuality and the limits I am willing to go to for satisfaction. I am not shy or embarassed about sex, I love it. We do all sorts of kinky things together, but he just doesn't turn me on, and that has been the case from the beginning. I thought it would change, but it hasn't.

 

I have spent a lot of time doing these things to try and improve the feeling I have when we are doing things together sexually, but as much as I try, it hasn't worked.

 

I know the grass isn't always greener, and I am not looking to enter a relationship with anyone now, but I have met quite a few people I click with not just sexually, but in many ways - intellectually, emotionally etc and would like to have had the chance to see if I can experience the connection with them that is lacking now. I guess that is what I was trying to say. I don't connect with my husband on an emotional and sexual level, it is pretty much intellectual for us.

 

Being with him is good fun. But what happens when you don't want to have sex, but you like sleeping in the same bed and the comfort? What happens if you meet someone who you click with and is a really special person, and the sex and lovemaking is there too?

 

Thanks again .

 

Speaking from experience, let me tell you that passion is greatly overrated. Yes, it's a heady, exhilerating sensation in the beginning, but without a solid foundation of friendship, respect, a genuine caring for each other, a relationship based only on passion will never make it through the long haul. While I've never left a relationship in order to experience more passion, I have entered a couple based pretty much solely on that reason. Needless to say, they didn't work out...remember, passion can only take you so far, one day you may wake up next to that person and think "What am I doing? I don't even like this guy" and guess what happens then? The passion is gone, and there's nothing left to sustain the relationship. You say that you haven't had much experience previous to your marriage and chances are that neither has he. As unromantic as it sounds, sexual techniques don't automatically come naturally...they have to practiced and perfected. Set aside alone time for the two of you, read some sex books, watch adult videos, give each other long sensuous massages by candlelight, be playful, concentrate on foreplay. You don't say whether you have children or not, but often that's a factor...being young working parents can be stressful. If you are parents, make it a priority to have a little time for just the two of you...I guess it all depends on how much you really love him, I'd say give it a shot...the grass aint always greener.