Affair with boss - feel heartbroken it's ended

[Berr5]

Hi. I feel rather strange writing this as I have never done anything like it before but right now I have all these feelings bubbling away inside me and I don’t know who else to vent to.

So... I had an affair with my boss, for a year and a bit. I hadn’t long started working there last year and we just seemed to click instantly. I’m not sure when we crossed that line, I don’t remember the exact point and I know it was wrong but I genuinely had feelings for him. What those feelings were exactly I’m unsure, did I love him? Or did I just the love the excitement of it all, something different to what I was used to.

you see me and my partner have been together 10+ years, we have a child and somewhere along the way we just seemed to change. It wasn’t what it used to be and I felt as though he wasn’t interested, he had mood swings a lot and for some time he went out and just did whatever he liked and I would always let him away with it. I feel at some point Recently I was pushed to my limit, I craved comfort and attention from someone and found that at work. Me and my boss worked in a small office and we grew very close, we were friends who could just talk about anything and everything. We had a laugh and it just felt so easy compared to my own relationship. My boss said he felt the same ... he is married and has 3 kids but now I think he was just bulls***ting me, I think he only really wanted one thing.

We had sex a lot. We had so much chemistry and I had never experienced sex with anyone other than my partner before. My boss was a good few years older and had lots of experience in that department, he just knew what he was doing and we were so attracted to each other. Nothing was an obstacle to us, we made sure we could do it as much as we liked, mainly at work. Looking back it all seems so dirty and seedy but at the time I felt like I was in this little bubble with him and it just worked.

A few weeks back my partner caught us messaging (wasn’t the first time he had suspected something between us but I always put him off which is terrible I know). The messages weren’t great, he obviously found out and I had to own up. This didn’t go down well at all, I was thrown out the house called every name you could think of. When my partner spoke with my boss he denied it then eventually admitted it, he told his wife a day later but he told her a massive lie. He said this was all my fault, that I was basically harrassing him and he was really uncomfortable with it all. He also said this only began recently over the past couple of months.. totally different to what I had already told my partner. So she then got in touch with my other half and he put her straight, said it was most definitely a two way thing. My boss spoke to me separately and asked me to lie for him. I couldn’t so I told her the truth.

4 weeks down the line.. I bump into my other old boss (he is brothers with the boss I had an affair with) turns out that he still telling people these lies, that I was basically forcing myself on him and he sacked me because of it. I unblocked my old boss’ number and went crazy. I couldn’t believe it. I just feel like I could’ve totally blamed him but it never even came into my head, I could never do that to him because I honestly cared about him. Even when all this came out, he was kicked out and staying at a hotel, he said he felt suicidal and I was so concerned, texting to see how he was all the time. But I soon began to analyse everything that happened over the last year and realised that it was always me that showed I cared and he was just stringing me a long I guess for sex. 
 

I feel like he was more than aware of how I felt. Even the other week I was drunk and ended up texting him to say I missed him and got nothing back. I know I shouldn’t be doing this and need to cut him off but he’s now totally blocked me on all social media, my number even on linked in. I wanted to apologise for going off on one the other day at him after bumping into his brother and can’t even do that now. I just feel like I need closure and don’t know how to get it.

im currently living back home, my partner is willing to work things out and he says he believes in second chances as I’ve given him one before. But I’m struggling. I feel sad and down about this whole situation. So much has changed. I don’t have my job anymore, the people I used to see and talk to everyday. All of  it gone. I can’t talk to him about it, he just gets angry and says he’s moving on for us so I need to do the same. I Can’t stop randomly crying, I just feel like I’m not coping well with all this. I’m anxious and can’t eat. I just miss what I had. Is it because I had this habit for so long? I feel terrible saying it but if my boss had said that he had feelings for me to and he wanted to be together then I probably would’ve. I’m confused if I actually loved him or not. I just feel a bit empty. 
 

Does it get any better trying to move on from these types of things?  
 

thanks. 

[mark clemson]

Yes it gets better emotionally for most people, it often just takes a lot longer that we'd like.

Affairs sometimes have significant consequences. Your marriage is far from out of the woods, but I suppose if your H acknowledges he's had some issues as well, that increases the possibility of reconciliation. Still IMO you should consider your chance of successful reconciliation to be something like 50/50 in order to be realistic.

If it's possible to switch jobs or arrange things so you don't see the boss that will be helpful. Seeing him or contacting him will re-trigger feelings for you. It's sounds likely that he wants to reconcile with his (extremely pissed off or traumatized) wife and not contacting you is likely a very reasonable condition of that. 

Part of his "blaming you" may be self defense at work in that he may be worried you will try a sexual harassment lawsuit or similar, so he is heading it off at the pass. Telling others, such as his brother may "increase believability" in his view. (What is known in a court as hearsay evidence, but an HR dept is not a court, and no doubt he's interested in avoiding getting fired over this if he can.)

Don't be shocked if there are significant changes at work, such as him leaving or you being reassigned so that you no longer are in contact with him or his direct report.

Despite that, don't be shocked if, in several months when things have "cooled down," he tries to get back in contact with you. As you have seen, affairs can be somewhat addictive and he is probably experiencing that as well. Re-initiating contact will probably re-trigger feelings, etc for you (as well as increasing risk of another D-day). IMO if you want this to be truly over and to have the associated peace of mind it's best to commit to complete NC.

Edited August 13, 2020 by mark clemson

[Berr5]

46 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Yes it gets better emotionally for most people, it often just takes a lot longer that we'd like.

Affairs sometimes have significant consequences. Your marriage is far from out of the woods, but I suppose if your H acknowledges he's had some issues as well, that increases the possibility of reconciliation. Still IMO you should consider your chance of successful reconciliation to be something like 50/50 in order to be realistic.

If it's possible to switch jobs or arrange things so you don't see the boss that will be helpful. Seeing him or contacting him will re-trigger feelings for you. It's sounds likely that he wants to reconcile with his (extremely pissed off or traumatized) wife and not contacting you is likely a very reasonable condition of that. 

Part of his "blaming you" may be self defense at work in that he may be worried you will try a sexual harassment lawsuit or similar, so he is heading it off at the pass. Telling others, such as his brother may "increase believability" in his view. (What is known in a court as hearsay evidence, but an HR dept is not a court, and no doubt he's interested in avoiding getting fired over this if he can.)

Don't be shocked if there are significant changes at work, such as him leaving or you being reassigned so that you no longer are in contact with him or his direct report.

Despite that, don't be shocked if, in several months when things have "cooled down," he tries to get back in contact with you. As you have seen, affairs can be somewhat addictive and he is probably experiencing that as well. Re-initiating contact will probably re-trigger feelings, etc for you (as well as increasing risk of another D-day). IMO if you want this to be truly over and to have the associated peace of mind it's best to commit to complete NC.

Thanks for the reply  

We’re just taking things a day at a time, I feel like I still love my partner and I always will. We have a beautiful child and have had so many lovely memories. I would like to get back to a good place but feel like a small part of me is being fake as I did genuinely like my boss.

I’ve actually left my job. The company I worked for wasn’t big at all and there was no way I could’ve continued working there whilst trying to sort my relationship out. 
 

I think he has moved back home and is working things out with his wife. I’m just a bit angry because I feel like he has just totally taken the piss. He threw me under a bus, after 1.5 years of sleeping together... I just could never have done that as I have so many feelings for him. Now he’s blocked me out so he can continue his happy little family. I just feel like he’s not being true to himself or people around him and it’s hard. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by Berr5

[mark clemson]

Finding another job was probably a smart move all things considered and may have headed off problems that could have occurred, as well as allowing you more peace of mind.

Keep in mind that some folks would consider any contact between you as "maintaining the affair". SOME would say that you thinking of him emotionally AT ALL is a form of maintaining the affair, although IMO that may not be particularly realistic for most people from a brain chemistry perspective.

Yes, it seems he threw you under the bus, so it's understandable that you feel angry. Keep in mind that men "compartmentalize" their lives more easily than women, so that is part of what's going on. Also he is trying to avoid some potentially very severe consequences, such as a divorce. You might feel this is gutless of him at some level, but as he can't have you, realistically, what do you expect him to do? Also his wife probably feels a LOT more angry than you do - probably by multiples.

Ultimately, he's got every right to try to continue his family life - isn't that what you're doing?

Suggest you just leave it alone, let him go his way. I can see how it feels like closure is missing, but TRUE closure takes time IMO, and ultimately comes from within. It's partly a matter of how your brain processes the situation in retrospect. You will attain it eventually without any input from him.

[Berr5]

16 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Finding another job was probably a smart move all things considered and may have headed off problems that could have occurred, as well as allowing you more peace of mind.

Keep in mind that some folks would consider any contact between you as "maintaining the affair". SOME would say that you thinking of him emotionally AT ALL is a form of maintaining the affair, although IMO that may not be particularly realistic for most people from a brain chemistry perspective.

Yes, it seems he threw you under the bus, so it's understandable that you feel angry. Keep in mind that men "compartmentalize" their lives more easily than women, so that is part of what's going on. Also he is trying to avoid some potentially very severe consequences, such as a divorce. You might feel this is gutless of him at some level, but as he can't have you, realistically, what do you expect him to do? Also his wife probably feels a LOT more angry than you do - probably by multiples.

Ultimately, he's got every right to try to continue his family life - isn't that what you're doing?

Suggest you just leave it alone, let him go his way. I can see how it feels like closure is missing, but TRUE closure takes time IMO, and ultimately comes from within. It's partly a matter of how your brain processes the situation in retrospect. You will attain it eventually without any input from him.

I don’t expect us to keep speaking I just felt bad because last time we did speak it didn’t end well but I’m realising that I had a reason to be angry and he just didn’t really seem to care, he didn’t even apologise for telling people lies about me he just kept deflecting as usual. And saying that he’s just getting grief from everyone and it’s so unfair. 

I get he’s trying to save his family and try and get back to normal. And you are right I am trying to do the exact same. I just feel like I was totally meaningless to him and it hurts. I risked absolutely everything.. lost my job through this and he basically just continues his life as normal, as though I wasn’t even there. 
 

I’m trying to be strong, but I am quite an emotional person anyway and I just keep replaying the whole thing over and over again. I’m hoping in time it’ll get a lot easier and better and I won’t think about him as much or at all really.  

[schlumpy]

Does your husband know all the details or as much as he wants to know, of your year and a half affair?

Has it changed him?

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Berr5 said:

 I’m hoping in time it’ll get a lot easier and better and I won’t think about him as much or at all really.  

Yes, that is very likely. It'll just take much longer than you'd like (probably several months at a minimum).

[Berr5]

7 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Does your husband know all the details or as much as he wants to know, of your year and a half affair?

Has it changed him?

He knows pretty much everything, he says he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and wants to move on. 
 

he says it’s changed him knowing the truth, he feels relieved as he always suspected something. 
 

im just wary that he says we will move on but it just won’t happen, it’ll keep coming back up. 

[S2B]

Did you rewrite the history with your partner? If you didn’t then there’s no reason to try and make the relationship work.

if you don’t feel totally invested with your partner then let him have a chance to find someone who really loves him.

you seem more focused on the fact that the affairs person didn’t work out.

if you’re just using your partner as a soft landing or a backup plan - end it to be fair to him.

[Berr5]

I’ve been totally honest with my other half about how I felt about my boss. He knows I felt something for him and my other half said I’ve been extremely naive by even believing my boss cared about me as men are all the same and only want one thing. 

I don’t know if I’m more focused on the fact that the affair didn’t work. I’m just more hurt that things were left so badly and he’s blocked me out his life so quickly. 

It isn’t an excuse but my other half isn’t exactly squeaky clean either and he has said we both need to change if we want to work.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

You're upset because you were unhappy in your marriage and this affair gave you something to be excited about and look forward to, even if it was for all the wrong reasons. 

Do you genuinely want to stay in your marriage? Or are you there more so because the alternative seems too daunting?

[BaileyB]

Your husband has recommitted to the marriage, but have you?

The problems in your marriage that drove you to have an affair still exist. And now, you’ve lost your coping strategy. 

It would seem to me that Individual counselling would be a very good decision, if you haven’t done so already...

 

[Berr5]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Your husband has recommitted to the marriage, but have you?

The problems in your marriage that drove you to have an affair still exist. And now, you’ve lost your coping strategy. 

It would seem to me that Individual counselling would be a very good decision, if you haven’t done so already...

 

I feel like physically I have recommitted but emotionally still feel a bit all over the place. I am quite an emotional person anyway, I hate sudden changes and letting go of things and feel like I’m just struggling with all of that aspect. 
 

Yeah I’ve signed up to online counselling, I know I have a lot of issues I haven’t dealt with, aside from the affair just things that have happened that have had a massive impact on me as a person but haven’t ever used counselling before so don’t know what to expect, or if it’ll help but can only try. 

[Berr5]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're upset because you were unhappy in your marriage and this affair gave you something to be excited about and look forward to, even if it was for all the wrong reasons. 

Do you genuinely want to stay in your marriage? Or are you there more so because the alternative seems too daunting?

I agree, it was exciting but feel like I’ve lost way more than my boss has and I also had committed to that affair way more than he did so that upsets me. 
 

I would like to stay together with my partner, we aren’t yet married but are engaged. We are still planning on buying a house soon and get married in the future but part of me still thinks “what if” about the affair... I don’t know if I’m only feeling like this because it’s so raw and recent, it’s only been a few weeks since it ended. 

[schlumpy]

Describe your SO please. Is he a person who meets problems heads on or is he a passive "whatever" type of guy? In your opinion of course.

[Berr5]

My other half faces his issues head on and just finds it easier to deal with stuff like this, he will say something is done and just lock it away in a box somewhere forever and never talk about it again. 
 

Whereas I struggle to do that, I over think and replay things in my head a million times over. I think talking about things helps me process them but I feel trapped in a sense that I can’t really speak about this with anyone. It would irritate him as he feels that since he’s willing to forget then so should I. I don’t want to talk to my family either although they know about the affair. 

[amerikajin]

I'm sorry about your situation.

Yeah, this reminds me of something I've posted before, which is that married men in affairs typically want to stay married much more than a married woman in an affair. Affairs mean different things to men and women. To a man, an affair is usually an escape, like alcohol, but to a woman, an affair is a new love. In the end, it is very, very rare that a married man will leave his wife for the affair partner, and if he does, it almost never lasts. A man in an affair is still thinking with his logical brain, and he will often conclude that he has too much to lose.

You can call that sexist or gender-typing, but this has been true time and time again in my experience.

[Berr5]

5 hours ago, amerikajin said:

I'm sorry about your situation.

Yeah, this reminds me of something I've posted before, which is that married men in affairs typically want to stay married much more than a married woman in an affair. Affairs mean different things to men and women. To a man, an affair is usually an escape, like alcohol, but to a woman, an affair is a new love. In the end, it is very, very rare that a married man will leave his wife for the affair partner, and if he does, it almost never lasts. A man in an affair is still thinking with his logical brain, and he will often conclude that he has too much to lose.

You can call that sexist or gender-typing, but this has been true time and time again in my experience.

Thank you. I just don’t understand it. He said he loved her so much but had an affair for over a year and is now just acting like it never happened or didn’t mean anything. I don’t know if I’ll always struggle to understand it but this has definitely helped a bit posting here so thanks everyone. 

[endlessabyss]

I feel sorry for your partner that he is willing to work it out with you.

His self-esteem is probably shredded, which is making him willing to do so.

Has to be ruff for him to be in a relationship with a woman that is sobbing over her ex boss, because he won't sack her anymore in bed.

Cold world with no jacket.

[amerikajin]

12 hours ago, Berr5 said:

He knows pretty much everything, he says he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and wants to move on. 
 

he says it’s changed him knowing the truth, he feels relieved as he always suspected something. 
 

im just wary that he says we will move on but it just won’t happen, it’ll keep coming back up. 

It will always keep coming back up - count on it.

That doesn't mean that he will harbor a bitter grudge, but it will always be there in the relationship. It's impossible to forget. The affair is probably a sign that you both need to think about your future together. It's the most obvious sign that a relationship is at a crossroads.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would put all wedding plans on hold. You two are in no place to get married or buy property together. 

You first need to sort through your emotions and figure out if you even want a future with your partner. It seems that your relationship has been in trouble for a long time and perhaps you’ve both been in denial about it. Your affair was your misguided way of burying your unhappiness and not dealing with reality.

You now have the double emotional burden of trying to understand whether you should even be in your relationship anymore, and accepting the rejection of your affair partner. Counselling would be an important start. Life has just given you a wake-up call that it sounds like you’ve needed for a long time. 

[Berr5]

1 hour ago, endlessabyss said:

I feel sorry for your partner that he is willing to work it out with you.

His self-esteem is probably shredded, which is making him willing to do so.

Has to be ruff for him to be in a relationship with a woman that is sobbing over her ex boss, because he won't sack her anymore in bed.

Cold world with no jacket.

In my defence I took my partner back SEVERAL times after he majorly f***ed up. I’ve been in the position that he’s in now so I know how it feels. 

It’s been rough for us both the past couple of years. Not just him right now.

Im not “sobbing” over the sex. There isn’t actually anything wrong with the sex I have with my other half. It’s more the emotional connection that I’m sad about. 

[Berr5]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would put all wedding plans on hold. You two are in no place to get married or buy property together. 

You first need to sort through your emotions and figure out if you even want a future with your partner. It seems that your relationship has been in trouble for a long time and perhaps you’ve both been in denial about it. Your affair was your misguided way of burying your unhappiness and not dealing with reality.

You now have the double emotional burden of trying to understand whether you should even be in your relationship anymore, and accepting the rejection of your affair partner. Counselling would be an important start. Life has just given you a wake-up call that it sounds like you’ve needed for a long time. 

Yeah I agree we have both sort of ignored the fact that we haven’t been happy for a while. I feel like my partner hasn’t been there for me during times that I really needed him and his support and things like this I’ve held on to and it’s made me angry and pushed me away. He feels like I changed in the sense I became distant and had a barrier up.. it was sort of a vicious circle that we were trapped in. 
 

we have spoke about couple’s counselling but unsure if it’ll help or not. 

[emprosnet7]

11 hours ago, Berr5 said:

Yeah I agree we have both sort of ignored the fact that we haven’t been happy for a while. I feel like my partner hasn’t been there for me during times that I really needed him and his support and things like this I’ve held on to and it’s made me angry and pushed me away. He feels like I changed in the sense I became distant and had a barrier up.. it was sort of a vicious circle that we were trapped in. 
 

we have spoke about couple’s counselling but unsure if it’ll help or not. 

I agree with S2B's post. By the time you hooked up with your boss, your emotional connection with your partner was terminated.  I doubt that you will ever reconnect emotionally with your partner. He may genuinely love you since he is willing to forget everything but you see him as your child's father and a friend with benefits. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Berr5 said:

In my defence I took my partner back SEVERAL times after he majorly f***ed up. I’ve been in the position that he’s in now so I know how it feels. 

Genuine question, but why?

Your relationship sounds quite dysfunctional and broken, even before you had an affair. What is the reason you kept going back? Were you afraid to be alone? Because if we keep going back to toxic people, at some point it becomes less about hoping the other person will change and more about identifying what is broken inside us that leads us to make poor relationship choices.