Affair with boss - feel heartbroken it's ended

[Berr5]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Genuine question, but why?

Your relationship sounds quite dysfunctional and broken, even before you had an affair. What is the reason you kept going back? Were you afraid to be alone? Because if we keep going back to toxic people, at some point it becomes less about hoping the other person will change and more about identifying what is broken inside us that leads us to make poor relationship choices. 

He is really all I’ve ever known. We’ve been together since we were teenagers so my first love and I was always willing to take him back because I loved him. Then I fell pregnant, but at that point we had been together for about 6/7 years anyway. Once we had our child together he said he hadn’t cheated since and I do genuinely believe that. But he did continue to do certain things and lie about it which has been an issue and also he just never seems that interested. He’s always making plans with friends, football, sports or playing computer games. He moans we don’t spend time together so I try and arrange something and he will say he isn’t bothered and just going to do something by himself. It can be quite lonely.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Affairs don't fix bad relationships. So when they end, you have two problems. The bad relationship and the withdrawal of the distraction from it.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds as though this is a relationship that expired a long time ago, OP, and that you've both stayed because it's familiar rather than because you genuinely love each other and want a future together. 

At this point, you have a lot of soul-searching to do. 

[amerikajin]

16 hours ago, Berr5 said:

Yeah I agree we have both sort of ignored the fact that we haven’t been happy for a while. I feel like my partner hasn’t been there for me during times that I really needed him and his support and things like this I’ve held on to and it’s made me angry and pushed me away. He feels like I changed in the sense I became distant and had a barrier up.. it was sort of a vicious circle that we were trapped in. 
 

we have spoke about couple’s counselling but unsure if it’ll help or not. 

A lot of people look at affairs as the causal factor in breakups, but they are usually a symptom of the illness and not the illness itself. You have both been unhappy for a long time and you may both be hanging in there because you feel obligated to do so. But there is no obligation.

You may have mentioned it earlier but have you both tried couples counseling? It doesn't always work, but it might help you both sort through some things. Or it might not.

[Berr5]

Thank you everyone for your comments. Good or bad, I need to hear them.

We are definitely going to try the counselling, we are willing to give anything a go at this point really! 
 

I feel bad for missing the connection I had through the affair but if I had that connection with my partner then I know I wouldn’t feel quite as bad. I just crave some sort of attention and love from him that he doesn’t really give.