Brokenhearted2020 Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 I've posted previously my story but long story short my husband discovered the affair 2 months ago and told EXMM wife at the same time. He decided he wanted to stay with BW and kids and we started NC a few days later. Fast forward one month and EXMM turns up near my workplace and we have a chat. I should've just got in my car and left but I admit I was curious as to how things were for him. He said he was struggling and after a few weeks of trying to work on his relationship he decided actually he was staying for wrong reasons and he wasn't happy with BW. He was moving in with a family member to sort his head out. We resumed LC after he suggested adding him on a social media site his BW doesn't use. We met a few times since and slept together again, he completely broke down after that though and left me. He keeps saying he needs space whilst days later reaching out to me again. I'm in the process of separating from my husband and recently found my own place to move into. The last communication I had with him was when he liked my social media post about this and then immediately blocked me. He then said he couldn't deal with seeing me on social media everyday it was the best thing to do and he said goodbye to me over WhatsApp. I really need to move on and be strong with the NC if he tries to come back again. Do you think he will? I'm not sure of his status with BW, she doesn't know about these events since D Day. Do you think if he has space he will come back to me? Or is he keeping me as an option? The month I didn't see him I was doing well, accepting he has chosen his wife and now he's done this to me I feel like I'm at square one yet again. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 You’re be back at square one, but it would be the nail in the coffin for me. I don’t want a man who says one things and does another. I don’t want a man who could be so careless with my feelings. This would absolutely reaffirm for me that this is not what I want for my life... I wish you luck in your attempt to move forward. If the month you had no contact felt good to you, I would suggest that you should do more of it... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hrgirl915 Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 I’m so sorry for you and saddened by your story. He will come back. But then he will do this to you again. And again, and again. It’s a vicious, painful cycle. You have to chose between allowing him to continually do this to you or living a normal life with a man who chooses you and truly loves you. It is very, very hard. Advice easier said than done. Find strength and the power to resist him in friends and outlets like these boards. Each day will be easier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 At the risk of stating the obvious he sounds like he can't figure out/sort out what he really wants. If he was keeping you as an option I think he'd be doing that, rather than blocking contact etc. He's addicted to you in a way, BUT if what his "thinking brain" really wanted was you, he could just let himself "succumb" to that and be with you. Instead he waffles, indicating IMO that for whatever reason "part of him" is strongly trying to be done as well (just not succeeding at it as well as you were). If it were me, I'd tell him to fish or cut bait and insist on only communicating if he's fully serious and committed to being together. He'll probably waffle on that, which is your "tell". The simple thing, though, would be to just to resolve to be done with him and move on. As pointed out that can be easier said than done sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokenhearted2020 Posted August 14, 2020 Author Share Posted August 14, 2020 Thanks for replying, I'm absolutely devastated. On D Day (or even before) I accepted he would try and stay with BW for the kids as he says and I was strict NC in the weeks that followed. The day I saw him again I heard him out and looking back now i think he wanted to know he still could have me if he really wanted. And over the last month or so I've relapsed whilst he pulled away each time again. He is all l think about everyday, even though I know how bad he makes me feel and deep down I don't want it. It's just letting go. He's blocked me on some forms of social media but not all, I should block him I know but its finding that strength. I'm always thinking what if today is the day he realises he actually does want to be with me. He had been popping up occasionally asking me how my house hunt is going, he expresses an interest in meeting me for a run and when the time comes says he can't and that he can no longer talk to me. This is normally in the space of 24 hours. Coming on strong then literally dropping me. Its taking a toll on me so bad. Why am I never enough for him? 😔 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 The thing is you may no longer be 'safe' for him. Married people often pick other married people to cheat with for a reason, there is no real expectation there for them to leave their primary relationships. They understand the rules of the game if you like. Now you are separated, the goal posts have shifted and you've changed the game on him, he's probably evaluating what he can get away with, both with his poor wife and with you, who he'll think will want more from him now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 2 hours ago, Brokenhearted2020 said: I'm always thinking what if today is the day he realises he actually does want to be with me. What if today is the day he actually does want to be with you? What are you getting exactly? A man who you know can not be trusted because he will lie and cheat on his wife, doesn’t know what he wants so flip flops back and forth, cruelly giving you hope and then taking it away time and time again... IF you block him, what do you get? Peace of mind? Your self respect? The opportunity to find a man who is trustworthy because he hasn’t lied to you and cheated on his wife, a man who will chose you unequivocally? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 3 hours ago, Brokenhearted2020 said: Coming on strong then literally dropping me. Its taking a toll on me so bad. Why am I never enough for him? 😔 I would gently suggest reframing this statement. Instead of asking "Why am I not enough?" you should ask yourself, "Why am I allowing him to treat me this way?" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 19 hours ago, Brokenhearted2020 said: I've posted previously my story but long story short my husband discovered the affair 2 months ago and told EXMM wife at the same time. He decided he wanted to stay with BW and kids and we started NC a few days later. Fast forward one month and EXMM turns up near my workplace and we have a chat. I should've just got in my car and left but I admit I was curious as to how things were for him. He said he was struggling and after a few weeks of trying to work on his relationship he decided actually he was staying for wrong reasons and he wasn't happy with BW. He was moving in with a family member to sort his head out. We resumed LC after he suggested adding him on a social media site his BW doesn't use. We met a few times since and slept together again, he completely broke down after that though and left me. He keeps saying he needs space whilst days later reaching out to me again. I'm in the process of separating from my husband and recently found my own place to move into. The last communication I had with him was when he liked my social media post about this and then immediately blocked me. He then said he couldn't deal with seeing me on social media everyday it was the best thing to do and he said goodbye to me over WhatsApp. I really need to move on and be strong with the NC if he tries to come back again. Do you think he will? I'm not sure of his status with BW, she doesn't know about these events since D Day. Do you think if he has space he will come back to me? Or is he keeping me as an option? The month I didn't see him I was doing well, accepting he has chosen his wife and now he's done this to me I feel like I'm at square one yet again. your problem is you see this as happening to you. Stop that! Its happening because you allow it to, and what is it getting you? You're ending up hurt and confused. Stand up to him! Tell him you are not interested in any more of his communications. If/when he gets a divorce, you may consider picking up with him, but only after he shows you the divorce papers and you have spoken with his wife, ensuring that he is being honest about his situation. She wouldn't have to know the history, just that you and he are interested in a relationship, and you want to know it's completely over with her. (btw, why on earth do you think you can trust this guy at all? If his wife hasn't turfed him out on his ass, he's likely love bombing her, trying to convince her she's the only woman for him, all while trying to get you back into his life. Does he not care who he hurts? Doe he not understand that he's hurting both you and her? If he does know that, what does that say about him? That he's fine hurting two women if he gets what he wants. If he doesn't understand, it's even worse. He has very little empathy, and that's not really something one can just develop. Finally, if you really want to know what's up, contact his wife. I fully expect t would be a real eye opener for you and her alike. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 13 hours ago, Brokenhearted2020 said: He is all l think about everyday, even though I know how bad he makes me feel and deep down I don't want it. This sounds like limerence to me. If so, that is unfortunate, as this is an involuntary brain chemistry thing, somewhat similar to addiction, that is likely to take (at a minimum) several months to "work through" (it's a neurochemical working through and your brain literally has to change slightly). So, if that's the case, you are likely to be stuck pining for him for a while, unfortunately. It can be quite distressing, although some people actually like it. At any rate, his pinging you is likely continuing to reinforce and re-trigger your feelings and/or limerence and so not helping things. My understanding is that making it impossible to see him (or very nearly so), may help it ease up. So, full/complete NC. If/when you want to try that out, my suggestion would be that you fully and sincerely resolve to move on, block him on everything, and either delete the info or maybe copy it onto a piece of paper and put it somewhere where access is very difficult. My understanding is that once contact becomes impossible, your limbic system tends to stop constantly "bothering you" about the other person. Other things you can do to ease distress include socializing with platonic (I assume) friends and/or achievements (alternate sources of dopamine), exercise within your capacities (boosts endogenous opiates), time in nature (boosts serotonin), and things like helping others or "cute" things, e.g. kitten videos or similar (boost oxytocin). None of these things will "cure" your pining, but they should help take the edge off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokenhearted2020 Posted August 15, 2020 Author Share Posted August 15, 2020 Just posting again because I'm being obsessive and I want to try and remain focused. I have read up a lot on limerance and believe its something I potentially am with EXMM. It doesn't help I have his BW family watching me on social media, I post on there a lot and I can tell they have viewed. Today I noticed he had made his social media open, previously it was private and he had unblocked me. The obsessive part of me feels like he has done that to see if I will view. I'm posting here because I don't want to be like this. If he comes back now I'm that broken from his behaviour I don't really feel much. He claims he has moved out the martial home, something I'm not 100% convinced on and that he needs space to figure out what is he going to do. I cannot understand why he came back for me if he didn't know what he wanted still. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted August 16, 2020 Share Posted August 16, 2020 Block him on social media. That helps remove the temptation to check him out. And block his W's family! WTH are you thinking, letting them follow you?! Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 16, 2020 Share Posted August 16, 2020 It's confusing and off/on because he's confusing and off/on. If you want to give it another shot, that's of course up to you. If you want the limerence to stop, well, there's no easy way to do that, but biting the bullet and keeping as far and fully away from him as possible (as complete NC as possible) will at least minimize it. (Plus see the advice I gave above to help take the edge off.) Any new "entanglements" such wondering about the social media, etc will likely just help it keep going. But my understanding is that really your brain just has to go through it's changes, unfortunately, which will take at a minimum several months. It's a bit like developing tolerance for a drug, but takes longer (several months to a few years). Our genes aren't particularly kind to us in a way. If you want the limerence to truly stop then measures like I describe above in the earlier post might do it. Moving to a new city might do it as well (if you also keep him fully blocked, hide contact info, etc as well) but not sure if you can or want to take such a drastic measure. Otherwise you just have to wait it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokenhearted2020 Posted August 16, 2020 Author Share Posted August 16, 2020 Thanks for replying again Mark, I do appreciate and take on board the advice it's just the acting on it I find very difficult. I found out last night he'd taken his wife out for a meal for her birthday (friend told me from social media again) and today he has blocked me on all social media. Not sure if its him or her that blocked me, but I guess he's gone back to her after weeks of leading me on with no explanation this time. 18 months wasted on him I'm absolutely gutted. I guess the blocking is a blessing for me. Although he did block me on original D Day and turned up 4 weeks later so never saying never to that. I need to tell him to do one this time if he does show up. Someone asked why I have BW family on social media, I'm talking about Instagram they dont follow me but I can see who viewed me daily. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 On 8/14/2020 at 3:41 AM, Amethyst68 said: The thing is you may no longer be 'safe' for him. Married people often pick other married people to cheat with for a reason, there is no real expectation there for them to leave their primary relationships. They understand the rules of the game if you like. Now you are separated, the goal posts have shifted and you've changed the game on him, he's probably evaluating what he can get away with, both with his poor wife and with you, who he'll think will want more from him now. I wonder what the statistic is in that. That married cheaters more likely choose other married people to cheat with. I totally agree tho to what ur saying she definitely did change the Game with going single. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 A single person can also be a loose cannon, she has no marriage to protect, no husband to disappoint, she is a free agent she can sleep with whoever she wants, she can get an STD that he can then give it to his wife... She can decide in a fit of pique to blow his whole marriage up as she doesn't have much to lose... A married woman with a nice husband and a house and a family to lose, is a much safer bet. Women in affairs tend to want to separate, to divorce and move on with their affair partner but for him that is a nightmare, he had no intention of getting a new wife, it was only a bit of fun"... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 33 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Women in affairs tend to want to separate, to divorce and move on with their affair partner but for him that is a nightmare, he had no intention of getting a new wife, it was only a bit of fun". But MW tend to monkey branch, they wait for their MM to leave their marriage first. It's rare for the woman to make the first move so the man still feels relatively safe. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said: But MW tend to monkey branch, they wait for their MM to leave their marriage first. It's rare for the woman to make the first move so the man still feels relatively safe. So many women on here have left their marriages to find their MM is a lot less keen to leave... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Honestly I don't remember that many, I do remember the opposite, many women staying in their marriages while pressing their AP to leave their family before they'll make the leap themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 I'm sensing an "empirical void" here in terms of actual data (vs. anecdotal data). This allows for many claims to be made that MAY (or may not) be accurate. Is it realistic to ask whether anyone has some actual data on this that could perhaps give a ballpark %? Not sure... 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 op, is it possible he's moved on to someone else? If he's really ended things with his BS (possibly by her choice, not his) he decided to play the field a bit? If so, it's no reflection on you, it's an issue with him. Either way, I don't think you can trust him. He may not be a bad guy, but it sounds like he's not really making good choices. Link to post Share on other sites
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