Issue with BF friends

[curlygirl40]

Hi

Not even sure what I'm hoping to accomplish here, maybe just venting.  

When I first met my bf and we were discussing our friends, he told me about this couple he was friends with.     He was friends with the woman of the couple first, they ran in the same circles, they had a FWB type of relationship for a few months.  After that ended (badly), they stayed friends and she eventually went on to meet and marry her current husband, have kids together, etc.   My bf was FWB with this woman approx 20 years ago.   A long time.      I remember he said to me at the time 'At least I got a friend out of it'.    I think he was actually talking about her husband who he has been close to for many years.   

He warned me about her before we even met.  He told me she's a bit manipulative at times and just ignore her if she gets out of hand, etc.   

Well she started trouble almost immediately.     About 6 weeks into us dating we were at their house for a party, it was late and people had been drinking lots, she was a bit drunk around the campfire and told everyone there how bad her marriage was, sleeping in separate bedrooms, he won't have sex with her, etc.  It was awkward to say the least.  

My bf wasn't divorced long before we met.  She made jokes about how they were going to build a little cabin on their property for him so he could live close to them.   I found that a bit strange.    I knew they had this FWB arrangement but I also knew it had been 20 years before.  She is now married, he was married and then divorced.    I was just uncomfortable around them because of this talk.    He owns a house, he has a girlfriend now, no you will not be building a cabin for him in your tiny back yard.   lol   

Then one day about 2 months after the bonfire tell all they called him up and asked us to meet them for dinner right then.  In a sort of 'hey we're going to the 99, meet us' type of way.  I had just arrived at his house with food to make a dinner.  I told him it was o.k, the food will keep for another night,  but he just told them that we had other plans.   Well that started them being snippy with him and nasty to him.    He has a close relationship with their kids, would always go to their dance recitals and stuff.   He doesn't have kids of his own and he was always their 'uncle so and so'.      He would text and call them to ask when the next one was or whatever and they would ignore him.    We went away for a weekend and he bought the kids T-shirts and he would text them and say 'I have gifts for the kids, can I bring them by this week?' and they would just reply 'no'.     They were being so rude to him.   I stayed out of it and just listened when he needed to vent but honestly, they made me so uncomfortable I was o.k not hanging out with them.     We were still in early dating stages, less than 6 months, so I was keeping quiet.   

Then a few months later we saw them at a mutual friend's funeral, they were fake nice to us but then when she saw me by myself outside, she mocked me in a very mean way.  It's obvious this woman just didn't like me from the get go.     I ignored her and I didn't tell my bf about this (I did eventually but not that night).

Then a few months later she called my bf and told him that they don't like him with me and they think I'm keeping him away from his friends.  I'm not at all, he has a lot of friends and sees all of them, we have taken vacations with his friends, taken vacations to go see his friends who live out of state, I actually surprised him at Christmas with plane tickets to see his best friend (ahhhh, remember when we could travel?), etc.     She said she wanted to meet with him to discuss this.     They never ended up meeting, and at the time, I thought it was the end of it.      

Then a few months after that, we run into them in a bar.  Her husband is very nice to me and to us, she was nice to my bf but when I said to her 'hi, how are you?' she looked me square in the eye and then looked at her phone and pretended not to hear me.    Are we in the 5th grade?   My bf saw this and gave her the benefit of the doubt and said to me later 'it was loud in there maybe she didn't hear you'.    Ummmm no.   

About 6 months ago I was talking with the wife of another friend of his and she asked me if we see them anymore and I told her that we didn't and I made some sort of flip comment about how they didn't like me and didn't approve of us and she said 'Well she has ALWAYS been in love with him'.   So there it is.   Maybe since their marriage was so crappy and my bf was divorced for a bit she thought there would be something there.   

So all of this was about 2 or so years ago, the drama with them I mean.    I haven't seen them since.    They live in the same town as my bf so they will run into him sometimes and they are always very nice, say hi to Curlygirl for us, how is she doing?    Like they are pretending nothing happened.   I'm still seething.  

It seems like the husband of the couple now contacts my bf about 1x a month with just random questions, asking him for help or his opinion on something.   He is WAY too nice and will not completely shut these people out, even though they were so mean to him for a while and not to mention mean to me.    I kind of feel bad for the husband because he lost a friend in all of this, because she's didn't like the fact that my bf had met someone, IMO.   

Last night the husband of the couple texted him and apparently mentioned going to see some outdoor show together,  the 4 of us.  No way.  I have 100 friends, I don't need people who don't like me and who have caused us trouble to pretend to like me just to go to a concert that they think I can get tickets to.    I work in a field and I get tickets to things so it was more like 'can Curly get reduced tickets, we should go'.   So not even as much as inviting us somewhere but really just hoping I had an in on getting reduced or free tickets to this thing.    

I was so pissed.   He knows how I feel, he knows I will never put myself in the company of them again.   But he is WAY too nice and can't be anything but nice.   So he will make excuses, sorry we're busy, etc. because he knows I don't want any part of it but he's too nice to be honest with them and tell them to F off.  

Am I being unreasonable?   I guess that's my question.     Thanks for listening if you're still reading.   lol  

Edited August 13, 2020 by curlygirl40
typo

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hopefully this will just fizzle-out of its own accord.

 

Nobody has much invested  in the whole thing in any direction   (discounted concert tickets are about the biggest loss to anyone if the other couple just disappear).

 

If you stir the nest in any way, it will only cause the nearly-dormant to become somewhat active  again in ways you won't likely be able to predict.

 

So maybe your present game plan is going as well as can be expected, and no better ideas  have really presented themselves.

 

 

[mark clemson]

You're not being particularly unreasonable IMO. It sounds to me like they reconciled with him, but never with you. Part of what's driving this is presumably the wife's leftover feelings for your BF and I would guess mild envy of you. (You got what she couldn't keep, probably due to her personality or something.)

If it was me, I suspect I'd just let things maintain at the current status quo. Allow him to be friends with them, but don't do stuff together with them as a couple. So no double dates to a concert. Make sure your BF understands why this is. IF they come to you one day hat in hand to apologize (unlikely) that may change things. Probably not going to happen.

At the risk of stating the obvious, keep an eye on the wife just in case she tries to horn in on your BF one day. Not likely at all, but possible, IMO from what you describe.

[FMW]

Seems like there's probably a lot you don't know.  Doesn't make sense they would just ignore him or be rude for the period of time they did without having a really good reason. 

Your boyfriend may be too nice to tell YOU the entire story, not wanting to hurt your feelings or make you feel awkward, etc. I'm not sure what the answer is for finding out though, if there even is one.

At some point, they will get the hint and stop trying to get all of you together.  Your boyfriend can choose to stay in touch with them, but it will just be something that you won't be part of.  That's too bad, but it may be the best that can be done with the situation.  It sounds like he wants to maintain at least some contact with them, not just because he's so nice would be my guess.  But because he knows how you feel, he isn't going to tell you that and risk you feeling like he's being disloyal.  

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but unfortunately if your boyfriend isn't willing to cut ties with them completely, you don't have much choice unless you're willing to let it be a dealbreaker and walk away.  They've been in his life a long time and he's not showing any indication of bringing that to an end.      

[curlygirl40]

Thank you all so much.  It's funny how a few strangers on the internet can make me feel better about a situation.   

I suspected at first there had to be something I didn't know, but now I don't think there is.  I think she's just likes to stir the pot and she's a bit jealous maybe of our relationship.   Maybe partially because apparently she was broken up over them not seeing each other anymore all those years ago and also if her marriage isn't good, maybe she was hoping something would happen with them down the line or maybe she's just unhappy and sees him being happy now with me.   I can only guess.   

I do think I'll do exactly what I have been doing and just wait it out.  I do think it will fizzle even more than it has because how many times can he dodge them asking us to get together?   I also don't think she'll apologize any time soon.   I don't think she thinks they did anything wrong so it would be hard to get an apology out of them.  And honestly she was so rude and mean to me, I don't think any apology would be heartfelt.     He knows I am still upset and won't be spending time with them, but I don't show how upset I am every time he tells me that he heard from the husband because I don't want him to not tell me for fear of upsetting me.     

Thanks again!   

[Wiseman2]

She seems like a pain in the butt. All you can do is be polite but avoid them. Your BF wants to be friends with them so leave that be 

Keep in mind, you don't always have to like each other's friends or family. It's nice if that happens but just focus on respecting other's relationships more than liking them.

When it comes to your partners people, "like" is not important. Tolerance is.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think your reaction to them is unreasonable, no. They sound like the furthest thing from "friends."

However, there's not much you can do about your boyfriend's reaction and the way he handles them. He's non-confrontational and likely hoping they'll just disappear if he keeps dodging requests to meet. I can see why this is frustrating for you but I would not suggest doing anything more than laying down your own boundary (which it sounds like you have) and sticking to it, which is that you will not be socializing with these people. Asking your boyfriend to tell them to go fly a kite would be gratifying but unrealistic, as you know he won't do it. 

Treat them as a non-entity. 

[Timshel]

On 8/13/2020 at 8:24 PM, curlygirl40 said:

I do think I'll do exactly what I have been doing and just wait it out.  I do think it will fizzle even more than it has because how many times can he dodge them asking us to get together?  I also don't think she'll apologize any time soon.   I don't think she thinks they did anything wrong so it would be hard to get an apology out of them.  And honestly she was so rude and mean to me, I don't think any apology would be heartfelt.     He knows I am still upset and won't be spending time with them, but I don't show how upset I am every time he tells me that he heard from the husband because I don't want him to not tell me for fear of upsetting me.     

Thanks again!   

So your stance is to hold the hard line until this couple puts their tale between their legs and go away?  Even though these people have been friends of your bf for a very long time, hmmm.   Look, she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, you know this.  She pulled a B move and tried to assert some power over you/tried to make you go away.  It didn't work and she is the one who has egg on her silly, jealous, anti-woman face.

Would it kill you to show her what it means to support other women and give her a kindness that she did not extend to you?  You aren't threatened by her...perhaps you could extend an olive branch and show her class.  The dynamic could change but it does require a high road.  If she pisses on you again, then stupid can't be fixed.

 

Edited August 15, 2020 by Timshel

[curlygirl40]

59 minutes ago, Timshel said:

So your stance is to hold the hard line until this couple puts their tale between their legs and go away?  Even though these people have been friends of your bf for a very long time, hmmm.   Look, she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, you know this.  She pulled a B move and tried to assert some power over you/tried to make you go away.  It didn't work and she is the one who has egg on her silly, jealous, anti-woman face.

Would it kill you to show her what it means to support other women and give her a kindness that she did not extend to you?  You aren't threatened by her...perhaps you could extend an olive branch and show her class.  The dynamic could change but it does require a high road.  If she pisses on you again, then stupid can't be fixed.

 

Yep

I think there's a difference between making a silly mistake and being someone who always likes to stir the pot.  And the more stories I hear about this woman, the more I know this is who she is.   I'm in my 50's, I don't have time to be teaching lessons to another woman in her 50's who hasn't figured out how to treat people by now.  If she was a good friend to my bf, she would have been happy for him that he was happy, not trying to cause trouble between us right from go.    

Since we met:   She waited until my bf and I weren't at the table yet (at a planned dinner with friends early on) to talk to the group about me and try to get others on her side with not liking me.   (I just heard this story very recently).    She mocked me in a parking lot when my bf wasn't there to hear, she told him she needed to talk to him because she didn't think I was right for him and she wanted to see him 'with someone else', she tried to hook him up with one of her friends when we were dating for 1 year, she ignored me the day we ran into each other at the bar, even though I sucked it up and looked right at her friendly and said 'Hey how are you?'.   Just looked me right in the eye and then looked down at her phone and didn't talk to me.     

So no.   I'm done with her.

[Timshel]

So what happens now with your bf's friendship with her husband?

[curlygirl40]

Whatever he wants.   I'm not telling him what to do, just what I won't do which is socialize with them as a couple.   They talk sometimes, they've seen each other a couple times in the past year when the husband has asked my bf for help with something quick, etc.     They have the same hobby (that's how they met all of those years ago, ran in the same circles) and they've talked about getting together to do that hobby but I don't think they will follow through.    We'll see.