Facebook nightmare

[Maylady]

6 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Words vs actions...your husband does not care, but you haven't told him. Action trumps word.

His wife does not care, but she threw him out. Action trumps words.

See the pattern 

So following the pattern he said he wanted to stay friends but his actions say what?

Not really that complicated. 

 

But why would he have sex with me and  say she didnt love him. He didnt tell me he loved me, but said he was falling for me

I gave him butterflies in his stomach... and now  nothing?  I meant something or he wouldn't have made love to.me.

Why not at least friendship?

He unfriended on Facebook too.  He said he wanted to go back to being friends

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Maylady said:

Yes, but my friend texted him in an effort to see where he was at. Because I couldnt get a hold of him.  She basically said he used me terribly.  And she was glad he was only in my life for a month.  And he never even responded.  Like I'm just nothing.  I just fell for him to quickly i guess.  

Your friend said that he used you because she's your friend and says what you want to hear.   That's what friends do.

Fact of the matter is that you threw yourself at him and he accepted.  Then he gave himself a kick up the rear end and decided to choose his wife.   You no longer have any meaning to him...you're simply a woman who threw herself at him and with whom he made a dreadful mistake.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Maylady said:

. My marriage hasn't been good for a while but I'm financially reliant on my husband.

Unfortunately, this is about your unhappy marriage. This tryst was just a temporary escape.

You seem to be projecting a lot of the marital issues into this.

You know very well that this was all the typical married man lies and excuses.

Talk to an attorney. Figure out a way to leave the marriage.

[Crazelnut]

Because he lied. He's a liar. Liars lie. This man pivoted from his wife to you, then pivoted from you back to his wife. He's not exactly the kind of guy to honor his words, is he? You have to expect cheaters to cheat on you.

And you really should stop acting like you're the victim. You instigated every bit of the affair. 

[Maylady]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, this is about your unhappy marriage. This tryst was just a temporary escape.

You seem to be projecting a lot of the marital issues into this.

You know very well that this was all the typical married man lies and excuses.

Talk to an attorney. Figure out a way to leave the marriage.

He never really lied to me though.  He never said anything about his wife.  Only that he thought she didnt love him.  He may have lied about falling for me.  I dont know.  I just know I want some sort of relationship with him.  Even just friends. But he wont talk to me.

[Veronica73]

Also, you behaved borderline stalkerish. He clearly didn’t want to talk to you and you kept trying to contact him. 

He said no, said he didn’t want to lose his family. And you didn’t leave him alone.

Edited August 15, 2020 by Veronica73

[Maylady]

Another thing was in the middle of our affair.  My friend and I looked his wife up on facebook.  I was expecting a beast.  But she is pretty and slim.  I told him I did this.  This is when I felt the change in him.  He seemed mad that I checked out her facebook page.  I guess I just went into this too hard.  I dont know.  I just miss him.

[Maylady]

1 minute ago, Maylady said:

Another thing was in the middle of our affair.  My friend and I looked his wife up on facebook.  I was expecting a beast.  But she is pretty and slim.  I told him I did this.  This is when I felt the change in him.  He seemed mad that I checked out her facebook page.  I guess I just went into this too hard.  I dont know.  I just miss him.

I think this is really unfounded.  I am not stalking.  I just wanted to know where we stood.  They weren't together and he made me think we had something. He said he missed me and then just disappeared.  I wanted to know what was happening.

[Veronica73]

He told you his wife found out and it’s over. You sent him a racy pic. He blocked you. So you kept calling him, even from different numbers, left angry messages, and even had a friend contact him. That is stalkerish and creepy.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Maylady said:

But why would he have sex with me and  say she didnt love him. 

Seriously, married men do it all the time... Most women wouldn’t sleep with them if they were honest and said - I have a great wife, at home, our sex life is amazing and I love her desperately...
 

Quote

Why not at least friendship? He said he wanted to go back to being friends

You can’t honestly be this naive? A man who wants to reconcile with his wife and get back with his family can’t remains friends with his former affair partner. No wife would ever allow that, and no husband who is serious about his attempt to reconcile would even try...

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Veronica73 said:

He told you his wife found out and it’s over. You sent him a racy pic. He blocked you. So you kept calling him, even from different numbers, left angry messages, and even had a friend contact him. That is stalkerish and creepy.

Yeah, this is the behavior of a crazy lady and he decided it was time to get far, far away...

If anything, that would have driven me home and back to my sane and respectable wife. Suddenly, boring married life doesn’t look quite so bad...

 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Maylady said:

I just wanted to know where we stood. I wanted to know what was happening.

He told you what was happening - he went back to his wife. 

You just didn’t believe him...

[Maylady]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Words vs actions...your husband does not care, but you haven't told him. Action trumps word.

His wife does not care, but she threw him out. Action trumps words.

See the pattern 

So following the pattern he said he wanted to stay friends but his actions say what?

Not really that complicated. 

 

I really hoped you'd text.  I've been reading on this site for a while. And I love your opinions.  Do you think he just used me and really loves his wife?  Why did he bother getting with me at all then?  Did I really mean nothing to him

[pepperbird2]

8 hours ago, Maylady said:

But why would he have sex with me and  say she didnt love him. He didnt tell me he loved me, but said he was falling for me

I gave him butterflies in his stomach... and now  nothing?  I meant something or he wouldn't have made love to.me.

Why not at least friendship?

He unfriended on Facebook too.  He said he wanted to go back to being friends

 people will say whatever they think a person wants to hear of it means he or she can get some side action. It's no pleasant to know you've been use din this way, but at least, this affair was over before you got hurt even more deeply.

[ExpatInItaly]

This man did not use you any more than you used him,  OP. 

You are unhappy in your marriage. You used this man as a coping mechanism, and well, he did the same with you. You used each other. You're not a victim - you're an eager participant. So, you would be wise to shed the poor-me stance you're taking here. You also need to stop finding ways to contact him - that is bordering on stalking, and can land you in all kinds of hot water if you don't cut it out. It doesn't matter why you were doing it. It just needs to stop. 

Furthermore, believing you can be friends is terribly naive. You don't honestly believe that would happen, do you? You are far too attached to this man, and you behaved very inappropriately together. Friendship thereafter is out of the question. He also doesn't really want to lose his wife, as evidenced by cutting you off when she found out, and there is zero chance she would endorse this friendship. He's showing you very clearly that she is his priority, not you, which means he will do what she needs him to do if he wants to keep his marriage. 

You want to know if you meant something to him. Yes, you meant something. But not as much as he meant to you. I get that you feel discarded, but it sounds like you needed a cold dose of reality to really understand that this affair wasn't going anywhere. It was some side fun for him, but he isn't emotionally attached the same way you are. Now, you have to deal with the fall-out of losing your crutch for an unhappy marriage. What do you sincerely think your future holds? Affairs indefinitely? Divorce? What are you going to do if his wife decides to expose this to your husband? 

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Maylady said:

I really hoped you'd text.  I've been reading on this site for a while. And I love your opinions.  Do you think he just used me and really loves his wife?  Why did he bother getting with me at all then?  Did I really mean nothing to him

I absolutely don't believe he used you. He simply accepted what you offered until it became an issue for him.

Many men, married or not will accepted free easy sex. If it requires him to drop a few not so true words to maintain so be it.

Again, words are easy and have very little meaning if the actions are to the contrary.  That's whats going on at the start. NOW he us done and his actions match his words. Time to move on,  and get your house in order. What he said in the past is irrelevant NOW. Stop analyzing what he said in the past to have meaning NOW.

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, Maylady said:

he told me that he feels she doesn't even love him anymore.  So why go back to that? If he even did.  Why? And why now cant we even be friends.  He wanted  that after she found out?

 

12 hours ago, Maylady said:

But why would he have sex with me and  say she didnt love him. He didnt tell me he loved me, but said he was falling for me

I gave him butterflies in his stomach... and now  nothing?  I meant something or he wouldn't have made love to.me.

Why not at least friendship?

He unfriended on Facebook too.  He said he wanted to go back to being friends

I don't know why you don't understand things.  He LIED to you about his wife not understanding him.  He may have been telling the truth about the butterflies.  A clandestine affair is exciting.  

You didn't mean anything to him.  He didn't make love to you.  He F**ked you.   Now that he realizes that he will lose the wife he actually loves, his kids, his house, half his money & his life, he banished you from his life.  He can't be "friends" with you because you were never friends to begin with.  It would also be disrespectful to his wife to keep you around in any form.  

As for your husband not caring, tell him that you had sex with another man, he'll care alright . . . all the way to the divorce attorney's office. 

Wake up & face reality.   

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You want to know if you meant something to him. Yes, you meant something. But not as much as he meant to you. 

Perhaps, she meant something to him. Perhaps, he simply took what was being offered until such a time that it no longer benefited him. As has been said above, not many men will turn down no strings attached sex. 

Except, you had strings. You attached yourself to him and he said - I’m out. He mumbled something about “staying friends” to perhaps keep his options open, but then you started texting, and calling, and bothering him and he said - you are blocked.

There is a fundamental difference between men and women. They think about sex and they value relationships very differently. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that he thinks about your affair the way you do - he doesn’t. 

Edited August 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[anika99]

He sounds pretty typical. Married for over 10yrs, has a couple of kids and a lot of the romance in his marriage has gone stale. Due the demands of raising kids, working,  doing chores, outside commitments, etc, his wife doesn't give him a lot of attention anymore. Rather than taking the initiative to revive his marriage, like be attentive and romantic himself or ease some of his wife's burden so that she has more time for him, he just sulks and feels neglected. But he loves his family and his wife and so he was okay with the status quo. Then you came along and started actively pursuing him. The affair put a little excitement back into his life, gave him a little thrill but most likely the attention he got from you was the attention he was really wanting from his wife. You could have been anybody, he just wanted someone, anyone, to make him feel desirable and wanted. Now his wife has kicked him which is not what he was going for but on the other hand now he has her attention. He wants her and he's going to do whatever it takes to get her back. 

Often times cheaters are off in lala land and not thinking clearly. when he first got caught he may have irrationally thought he could save his marriage and still keep you as a friend but now reality has slapped him in the face and he realizes how absurd that thinking was. Of course his wife is not going to take him back as long as he has any contact with you. That's ridiculous, why in the world would she ever go along with that? You can't really say that he used you. He wasn't the pursuer, he never told you he wanted to leave his wife and be with you. Quite the opposite, as soon as his wife suspected he started to pull away from you. Leaving his wife and being to you was never his agenda and he was clear with you about that. When his wife first kicked him out he may have momentarily thought about being with you but that would have just been him panicking at the thought of being alone. Now he has a cleared head and knows what he wants to do. 

The best thing for you to do now is take stock of your own life and figure out what you are going to do to take responsibility for your own life. If you can't make your marriage better than get a divorce. If you feel like you can't leave because you are dependent on your husband then figure out what steps you have to take to change that. A man is not going to swoop in and be your knight in shining armor, especially not a married man. Stop chasing this MM, it's not going to get you anywhere good. 

[anika99]

7 hours ago, Maylady said:

Another thing was in the middle of our affair.  My friend and I looked his wife up on facebook.  I was expecting a beast.  But she is pretty and slim.  I told him I did this.  This is when I felt the change in him.  He seemed mad that I checked out her facebook page.  I guess I just went into this too hard.  I dont know.  I just miss him.

This probably scared the heck out of him. He didn't ever want to lose his wife and he didn't ever want her to find out. When you looked up his wife he probably realized how easily you could destroy his marriage if you wanted to. 

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, anika99 said:

This probably scared the heck out of him. He didn't ever want to lose his wife and he didn't ever want her to find out. When you looked up his wife he probably realized how easily you could destroy his marriage if you wanted to. 

Yep.   His first thoughts were "bunny boiler"....and this was confirmed when you started using other methods to contact him.    If he did have affection for you, fear of what you could do shut that down like a cold sponge to the nuts.

Edited August 15, 2020 by basil67

[pepperbird2]

I know it's hard to walk away, but you have to let this go. If you don't you;ll end up with a broken heart and possibly much worse. 

Try and take a step back and look at your situation objectively. What are some facts that you know about this guy when it comes to how he treats people? Does he treat them with respect or does he lie to them? Does he find dishonesty difficult, or does it come easy? 

My guess is he didn't find the lying all that hard.

Need further proof that he's capable of lying without scruple? Every day he lies to his wife, Every day. Every day he sees her, interacts with her likely kisses he,r hugs her, snuggles up to her at night, is intimate with her. Now, you may discount all of that, but think of it this way- he is able to do all of that and likely look her right in the eye knowing full well what he's doing behind her back. I'm not saying that so you will feel sorry for her, but to show you what he is capable of.

You may not even be this guy's fist rodeo. There's a running joke about there being a "cheater's handbook" so to speak, and he seems to be following it to the letter. If he is telling you the truth and his wife did kick him out, why did he not come running to you? Why is he fighting so hard to keep his wife? The answer? because that's the sort of person he is. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he loves is wife either- he loves himself for sure. He's weighed his options, decided what offers the most benefits for him, and to heck with who gets hurt.

Sounds like an A class jerk to me.

 

[Notagainplease]

"He asked to go back to just be friends I was mad and said no." "I wanted him back so I sent him a racy pic of me....and then boom...he blocked me everywhere."

You basically chased him like a tiger from the start and when he got his sense back and put an end to the affair, you started to stalk him. Charming. Best advise is probably to count your losses, stop further humiliating yourself by trying to seduce him back into things with 'racy pictures' and just accept that he no longer wants to see you. If he does change his mind over time, it won't be because you smother and force him into it; it will be because you stay away from him, and give him time and space to breathe and think about what he wants. 

Edited August 19, 2020 by Notagainplease

[stillafool]

On 8/15/2020 at 10:06 AM, Maylady said:

Another thing was in the middle of our affair.  My friend and I looked his wife up on facebook.  I was expecting a beast.  But she is pretty and slim.  I told him I did this.  This is when I felt the change in him.  He seemed mad that I checked out her facebook page.  I guess I just went into this too hard.  I dont know.  I just miss him.

This scared him to death because now he knows you aren't just throwing yourself at him but also stalking his wife.  He's trying to get rid of you but you won't go away.

Maybe you need to get a job and stop depending on your husband for money.  That way you can be free to chase as many single men as you need.

[Maylady]

Well his wife has driven past my house twice in the past couple of days.  She stopped and just stared at me from her car while I was outside.

I was furious with MM.  I didnt think he'd ever tell her about me.  I texted him a sarcastic message from a friends phone, thanking him for his crazy stalking wife.  He actually replied to say...I didnt tell her.  She told me.  She figured out everything on her own.

I told him shes nuts.  He said to stop contacting him.  I said get your crazy wife to stop and then I will.

What a mess