Found Out My Wife Was Cheating on Me.

[elaine567]

Get into individual counselling to sort your head out and to figure out the way forward
Marriage counselling is in the main about saving the marriage and to do that the Betrayed Spouse often feels that the affair is minimised and they just "need to get over it", for the sake of the marriage.

[Blind-Sided]

Revenge is never the way.  It doesn't fix anything... and makes you a bad person. The only point of revenge I may consider is telling the other guy's wife. That's not really revenge... it's just setting things straight.  Also... are you the kind of guy who really wants to swap pics with someone?  You are still married, and in your heart... together with your W. You aren't ready to be with anyone else. (Trust me on that) 

My personal thoughts are... once that trust is broken... it can never be rebuilt. You know who she is, and what she does. As others have said... she will just take it "Underground" now, and be more careful to cover her tracks. (including getting a burner phone)  There is no excuse for her actions, and she will try to blame you to make herself feel better... but the truth is... it's 100% on her. 

Like you, I was with my exW for 20 years... and I understand that your life is shattered. But, you will recover.  Let yourself cry, and talk with close friends, or a councilor to help process it.  But also... go talk to a lawyer, and get the paperwork started. The longer you drag it out, the longer it will take to recover.  I can tell you from experience... you can't recover until she is out of your house. On that note... since she is the one who cheated... make sure you get a lawyer who will use that to your advantage.  Also, since you are the one who needs to come to grips with all of this, and she is the one who betrayed your trust... ask her to leave the house.

The recording devices are a good thing if you want more proof. In my case... I put cameras in the house that recorded everything.  Some were hidden, but a couple were out in the open so she knew I was watching.  But if nothing else... it will help protect you if she decides to get angry, or take things from the house that she shouldn't be. 

I'm sorry that you are here, but I wish you peace in moving forward. 

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

ask her to leave the house.

He can ask but he has no right to force her to leave, any lawyer will tell him that.
He may claim the moral high ground but that doesn't work legally.
She has every right to remain in the house.

[Blind-Sided]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He can ask but he has no right to force her to leave, any lawyer will tell him that.
He may claim the moral high ground but that doesn't work legally.
She has every right to remain in the house.

Absolutely.  That's why I said "Ask." 

[amerikajin]

19 hours ago, Wife Cheated said:

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It has been a rough 5 weeks since I have found out, a roller coaster of emotions. Feels like someone threw a rock through a stained glass window that took 20 years to build and I am now trying to put it back together. Where do I start, is it worth it, will it ever be as good as it once was. Seems like every time I start to put it back together pieces start falling out.

I'm sure it's rough going - hang in there, man. For some couples, they can work out their issues and make the relationship work. It'll never be the same: there will always be a before and after, but the marriage can recover. There's hope if you are both willing to give it a go and work through the issues.

Quote

Then of course there's the thought of "revenge". If she was willing to send out over 120 pics and videos of her and have sex with this guy shouldn't I, at the very least, be allowed to swap pics with another girl. Some times this is a great idea then it's not a great idea.

On some level, it's only fair, right? But that won't help your relationship at all and you know that. If revenge is what's important, then maybe a divorce is the best revenge. But think long and hard about that before going that route. Nearly all relationships hit rough spots. Even the marriages that look good on the outside have private problems.

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She says she is sorry, it'll never happen again and she wants us to work out, and again I am so confused on what to do.

She probably means it. The problem is, it's more challenging to move on than just saying "Sorry." She has to know why she did what she did, and she has to have the courage to explain that to you in very clear and honest terms, which isn't easy. And then she has to explain how that's not going to happen again, and then it will honestly take time before you completely trust her, and she has to accept that. On the other hand, you shouldn't assume that she's a sinner and she has to do all the work. There may be issues you have to work on, too.

 

 

[elaine567]

We have had men here before who went steaming in and forcefully evicted the wife to find they were in trouble with the law and they ended up banned from the marital home...

[BaileyB]

On 8/13/2020 at 10:02 AM, Wife Cheated said:

Then of course there's the thought of "revenge". If she was willing to send out over 120 pics and videos of her and have sex with this guy shouldn't I, at the very least, be allowed to swap pics with another girl. 

Quite simply, no. What does that accomplish? And, how will you feel about yourself when YOU cheat on your wife? 

You can chose to take the high road here, or the low road. I personally would never chose sink to her level.

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She says she is sorry, it'll never happen again and she wants us to work out

What is SHE prepared to do to make that happen. You need specifics here - don’t tell her what to do, she needs to tell you exactly what she will do to recommit to your marriage and reconcile with you. Set the bar high here. 

[mark clemson]

I notice that here and in your other thread you are getting a lot of advice to tell the other guy's wife. I would suggest you do that only after talking to a lawyer (assuming you intend to do that).

The reason is that some places have what are sometimes known as "alienation of affection" lawsuits, where the other BS (his wife in your case) can sue your wife (and thus you, if you stay married and this happens). There are only a few US states (you sound like a US guy) where they are allowed, but if you happen to live in one... 

Of course this works both ways and, while this is NOT a suggestion or recommendation, you could in theory sue the husband (if you are up for that sort of thing). But I'm not going to assume you are wealthier than they are and could afford that. Also, one sh*t storm at a time.

IF you end up divorcing and are in an alienation of affection state, your wife could be subject to the lawsuit/any damages on her own. Some might see that as "justice," but of course she would be raising your kids 50% of the time (presumably) so this would impact them as well. Money that might be going to help with their college tuition or other needs going to the OBS's family instead, etc.

Another thing to be aware of is that in some places court-admissible evidence of the affair might impact any divorce settlement favorably to you. So that is another thing to be aware of, and you may want to hang on to some evidence. Not all states have this, but some do, and the lawyer could advise you regarding this. Keep in mind, whatever you decide, it's always possible she will seek a divorce.

Finally, be aware that in the US many family attorneys will give free half-hour consultations. You can (in theory) go to several to "shop around" for one you like and also to get more questions answered as they occur to you.

Edited August 15, 2020 by mark clemson

[Dimjo9]

Be man enough to inform the OM’s wife with all the proof you have.. as for your W you know what to do..

20yrs is nothing.. no need for u to dig up the affair.. the proof that you have is already solid.. inform all her family members of what she did.

Either u or she move out to calm the situation.. the children have the right to know.. if you will use head & calculate moves.. u will come out winner with all stakes on your side..

Her saying sorry is already late...

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Dimjo9 said:

Be man enough to inform the OM’s wife with all the proof you have.. as for your W you know what to do..

20yrs is nothing.. no need for u to dig up the affair.. the proof that you have is already solid.. inform all her family members of what she did.

Either u or she move out to calm the situation.. the children have the right to know.. if you will use head & calculate moves.. u will come out winner with all stakes on your side..

Her saying sorry is already late...

Don't do any of this. Dragging kids and families in are useless tactics just spreading collateral damage. Don't let revenge and stupidity guide you. Get a lawyer. End of story.

[amerikajin]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't do any of this. Dragging kids and families in are useless tactics just spreading collateral damage. Don't let revenge and stupidity guide you. Get a lawyer. End of story.

Agreed.

Let the other family deal with this on their own; if you inform the OM's family, you're not helping yourself, you're just spreading the pain. OTOH, perhaps confronting the OM and threatening to tell the family if it doesn't stop *might* be a morally acceptable position - you'd be giving him a choice and making him think about the consequences to him and his family, and I see nothing wrong with that. I just wouldn't go through with it.

What matters is the OP has to protect himself and decide what he wants first.

[Wade Lamare]

Yes, tell the other man's wife. Don't do it out of revenge do it because it is morally right.

Despite the grief you are feeling now, if someone knew that your wife was having an affair wouldn't you rather that they said something rather than saying nothing? You don't have to go in guns blazing, just a quiet word explaining that you are sorry to have to tell her that your wife and her husband have been having an affair. Explain that you have proof, give her some way of contacting you if she wishes and leave it at that. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this.

Plus who knows if your wife is his only other partner? If he's putting it about he could catch a venereal disease and pass it on to his wife. Again she deserves to know that her husband is potentially passing on life threatening diseases to her.

And he could have passed them on to your wife too, so get yourself tested for STDs as soon as possible and insist she gets tested too.

Yes, go and see a lawyer to find out where you stand and follow their advice, one word of caution re lawyers. Their job (generally, if they are good at their job) is to get you divorced with the minimum of fuss and expense and all their advice will be focused on that, not on you recovering your marriage.

 

What do you want Wife Cheated? I think that after having seen a lawyer or two you need to start deciding if you want to reconcile or divorce. Having made that decision you need to plan accordingly. Bear in mind that what you think you want now may not be what you want in a month, two months, a years time.

[Caauug]

On 8/17/2020 at 3:00 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Don't do any of this. Dragging kids and families in are useless tactics just spreading collateral damage. Don't let revenge and stupidity guide you. Get a lawyer. End of story.

^^^^^ Said here over and over.... GET A LAWYER!!!!

Look after No#1 YOU!!!! 

Get to know your rights, and protect yourself.

Ask recently divorced raped mates who the best lawyer(s) is in your area and visit them all. Best Male divorce lawyers first then ALL Female divorce lawyers. This is important, just go and ask questions.

Prepare for the worst.... 

Remember she was the one decided to betray your trust and become a sperm recipient....

No one has mentioned this but I think it is very important to find out why.... Why things happen and why we act like we do.... There is some very good required reading on some of the "Sticky" threads here in LS and a simple Google search of "Female nature" will, I hope, enlighten you on some of the "Whys".

 

 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Caauug said:

No one has mentioned this but I think it is very important to find out why.... Why things happen and why we act like we do.... There is some very good required reading on some of the "Sticky" threads here in LS and a simple Google search of "Female nature" will, I hope, enlighten you on some of the "Whys".

 

 

And while he's googling "female nature", she's googling "divorce lawyer" 

[Had I Known]

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

Before her affair had you both had prior sexual partners?  I ask because some men have had tremendous difficulty with that imbalance if they were each other's first and only sexual partner up until the affair.

 

Either way my recommendation is to divorce.  Let her know there is no stopping the divorce but there may be a chance to date and remarry at some point in the future.   Her actions throughout the divorce and time apart will tell you how sorry she is and how much you mean to her.  Then let her prove herself to you and let her show you her determination to be with you.

DO NOT STOP THE DIVORCE.

If she is amicable and agreeable the divorce can be done inexpensively and will be worth the money to show her the severity of what she has done.  If she is not then you know what type of person you are dealing with and is still worth the money to be rid of her.

 

*IF* you were to remarry her you must require a prenuptual agreement heavily in your favor if you divorce due to her cheating again.

[pepperbird2]

I don't believe the theory of "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I do think that there is something in their mind that allows them to do so. After all, you were in the same marriage she was. Did you choose to have an affair?

Having an affair was a choice on her part. What is it in her psyche that allowed her to feel it was an acceptable thing to do? Until SHE figures that out, you'll be at risk. Really take your time and think about your next steps. See a lawyer, start some counselling, speak to a financial advisor and gather a much information as you can. The more you do this, the stronger you'll feel and you'll be able to make decisions based on knowledge and strength, not confusion and grief. The grieving piece gets forgotten a lot. You might find grieve the loss of the person you thought she was, the innocence of your love for her, the way you used to trust her. It an be especially jarring of you are someone who finds it hard to trust. To allow someone in and have them do that is heartbreaking and turns your world on its head.

If, after all the research and emotional work of sorting through all this, , you decide you just can't find a way forward with her, that's sad , but it may be for the best. You may love her to pieces, but that isn't always enough.

Edited August 28, 2020 by pepperbird2

[Interstellar]

Forgive her...but tell her that if you screw up big time (over anything) then she’s gonna have to forgive you too. 
 

 

 

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by Interstellar

[SRCSRC]

Been there.  It is extremely difficult to get over a spouse's affair.  Basically, for any chance for it to work, she must constantly act in every way possible to show you that she will never cheat again.  That means full disclosure all the time.  No going out with girlfriends at night to bars, no girls only vacations, etc.  You will be suspicious forever.  You will have to live with that if you stay in the marriage.  It will be difficult for you to feel the same about your wife ever again.  Of course, marriage counseling is a must.  Don't buy any crap from the therapist that you contributed to the affair and that you should be able to get over it.  Utter drivel.  Consider a polygraph to determine if this was a one time thing or a repeat performance with other people during your marriage.  Reconciliation failed in my marriage.  After a few weeks my ex-wife just wasn't into it.  I stupidly went along for six more years until I caught her again.  Wasted so much time with someone completely unworthy.  Get yourself in shape.  You owe her nothing at this point.  Do what's best for YOU and the Children.  Don't buy into any what ifs.  You know the reality.  Co parenting really isn't that bad if done properly.  Been there and done that.  Just don't be a chump like I was and waste more years with a truly damaged individual. 

[Acacia98]

On 8/14/2020 at 5:25 PM, Fox Sake said:

I’m not a fan of phone hijacking, I think it’s disloyal , regardless of what she did and what you found- you already knew something was off and should have gone on that instinct alone.

I can see this working if two people have only recently started dating. But if they've been married for 20 or so years and have kids, the man is gonna want to have concrete evidence before acting. I don't know anyone who would file for divorce based on instinct alone, not even someone whose instincts were always right. And he's not going to get any evidence by asking her for it. She'll just deny, deny, deny. To get any meaningful evidence, he would have to violate her privacy in some way. If he didn't snoop on her phone messages, he'd probably record her private conversations or have a detective follow her. It all comes down to the same thing.

Anyway, I agree that it is an ethically tricky situation.

[SRCSRC]

Concerning the issue of privacy, your wife simply has pissed that right away.  If the marriage continues, there should be full disclosure by both of you from that point forward.  You should have access to her phone, computer, etc.  Make it reciprocal.  In a healthy marriage privacy should not be an issue.  But in your marriage it will always be an issue.  She can still sneak around, but it will be harder. You have a right to some solace.   Trust but verify as is required in disarmament treaties at this point.  That may sound trite but don't be a chump.  She brought all of this on herself.  Good luck, I've been in your shoes and it is heartbreaking.  Protect yourself always.  Better have a damn good reason and assurances to continue with this marriage.  

 

[Watercolors]

On 8/13/2020 at 10:02 AM, Wife Cheated said:

After 20 years of marriage I found out my wife was having an affair. We had met this guy during an outing and long story short he was a mechanic and offered to work on her vehicle. At the time I didn't think much of it as he was married and had kids as well. Over the course of a couple weeks I noticed a change in my wife's behavior and knew something was different, she was even taking her phone everywhere she went. Without any solid proof I had to wait for her to leave her phone out so I could look at it. There was no history in the texts but upon going through her pics there were 120 plus of her doing various things and poses, none of which I had seen. There were also pics of the guy we met also in various different poses. After some doing she admitted they were exchanging pics and she had snuck out in the middle of the night to meet him and have sex with him in the back of a vehicle.

It has been a rough 5 weeks since I have found out, a roller coaster of emotions. Feels like someone threw a rock through a stained glass window that took 20 years to build and I am now trying to put it back together. Where do I start, is it worth it, will it ever be as good as it once was. Seems like every time I start to put it back together pieces start falling out.

Then of course there's the thought of "revenge". If she was willing to send out over 120 pics and videos of her and have sex with this guy shouldn't I, at the very least, be allowed to swap pics with another girl. Some times this is a great idea then it's not a great idea.

She says she is sorry, it'll never happen again and she wants us to work out, and again I am so confused on what to do.

 

Any advice from anyone going through a similar situation??

Since you have already confronted her, and she's apologized to you then I see this is a good starting point. At least she was honest with you. 
You two can decide together that you want to save the marriage and try marriage counseling. 
Or, you can let your emotions cloud your logical mind, resent her, blame her, and divorce your wife. 

I think that you both need to be willing to acknowledge with each other, and with yourself, where you stopped investing in your marriage of 20 years. Your wife didn't cheat on you, "just because." She cheated on you because something in the marriage stopped working at some point, and instead of talking to you about it, she kept it to herself and this is the end result.
I think marriage counseling is a good first attempt to put your marriage under the microscope and figure out with your wife, why this happened. 

Instead of policing her every move, which I think is ridiculous and paranoid, let the marriage counselor help you two figure out why this happened. If she's unwilling to let a marriage counselor help out, then you're really out of options other than trying to work it out between you and your wife. 

Have you two ever had problems before in your marriage? How do you two communicate with each other?

 

Edited September 19, 2020 by Watercolors