Unhappy

[Summermae]

Hello everyone. I’m new to this but I’m so desperate for some advice. My husband and I have been married for 3 years but have been together for 9 years total. I feel like there is no romance or really happiness in our relationship. I feel like we are just going through the motions and just exist in each other’s lives. When I try to talk to him about how I’m feeling he either shuts me down and makes me feel stupid for even bringing it up, or he just makes a joke out of it, or acts like he’s concerned and says all the right things in the moment but doesn’t follow through with what he says. I know I’m being vague. It’s just so hard to explain and get all my thoughts out there. I could probably type all day if I went into all the details. To make it semi short. He makes me feel like this is his world and I’m just living in it. I’m just along for the ride. Everything he says, does, or wants to do is more important in his eyes than my options or desires in life. I can speak my mind and he will make me feel in the moment that he values my opinions and visions but there’s no follow through. I guess my question is... how do you know when your marriage can’t be saved? How do you know when it’s time to consider separating? He’s never cheated or hurt me. I’m just not happy and honestly I don’t know if we’re in love anymore. It’s more that we have love for each other and the family we made. I hope this makes sense and I’m not just rambling nonsense. Any advice or shared experience would be greatly appreciated!

[5x5]

1 hour ago, Summermae said:

I guess my question is... how do you know when your marriage can’t be saved? How do you know when it’s time to consider separating?

You know it can't and you know it's time, when you start asking those questions.

Edited August 15, 2020 by 5x5

[Wiseman2]

What is it you want from him? Be more articulate and specific when talking to him.

It sounds like you are too passive and have decided to be a passenger in his life rather than the driver of your own life.

Start making yourself happy. Find satisfaction in your work, friends, family and interests. 

No one else can "make" you happy. It seems like you would benefit from an evaluation from a doctor for mood or other issues. Also get a referral to a therapist.

[d0nnivain]

The vagueness is part of the problem.  You don't have to share the pages & pages with us, but perhaps write them out so you can organize your thoughts.  After you identify the problems, think about possible solutions.   At that point if you can say something specific to your husband about the problem & the solution you will get more of what you want but you will remain miserable if you expect him to identify & solve your problem.  

If you want to bring happiness to your marriage, you have the think about what makes you happy.  Your husband is not responsible for your happiness, you are.  He may add to it but you have to be happy yourself 1st.  Once you find what makes you happy, do those things.  

As for romance, do something romantic.  I joke that my husband is Mr. No-Mance.  But if I plan something he will play his part.  If I expect him to plan, I end up annoyed & disappointed, 

Of course all of this assumes your husband is willing to put in some effort.  

[curlygirl40]

13 hours ago, Summermae said:

 He makes me feel like this is his world and I’m just living in it. I’m just along for the ride. Everything he says, does, or wants to do is more important in his eyes than my options or desires in life. 

I know I may be reaching here, but wanted to ask a question.   Does he have Aspergers?    My ex has Aspergers (undiagnosed) and this was often how I felt.   I always felt like he had to engineer our lives to be exactly how he needed it to be so he could feel comfortable.      It made it difficult for me.    I think our marriage was beyond repair due to his also being emotionally abusive towards me and the kids, we walked on eggshells whenever he was home.  So our marriage was doomed really before I knew about the diagnosis.   My son was diagnosed at 10 and when I threw myself into it, reading all of the books, going to support groups, etc. I remember recognizing my then husband in those books.   

I think if I knew about Aspergers before then and could recognize why he acted the way he did (not meaning the abuse, I just mean the trying to control his world) I would have had more compassion at the time for the other issues.   

Just a thought.    

As far as your post, I'm not sure what to say.  The fact that it's at the point where you're asking people on the internet their thoughts means that you've reached that point where you're just so unhappy and not knowing what to do about it.   

People don't change, not without intervention.  He might mean well when he agrees to do something about but he will go back to being how he was before.    Maybe you need to take control and plan things, etc.    

If you planned a romantic dinner or something fun, would he go and enjoy it?    If you took one of his hobbies and planned a day around it as a surprise for him, would that be fun?   

With my ex, he would never plan anything, but if I did the planning he would go along and not be happy about it at first, but then later be like 'that was fun, we should do that more often'.       

So if you're coming at him with vague requests for more romance and fun, it's possible he doesn't even know where to start with that.  But maybe if you planned something romantic and fun and then just said 'make no other plans for Saturday, I have something planned for us' and then go from there.    

I know we women like to be surprised, but if he doesn't have it in him to plan, then you're always going to be disappointed waiting for him and nothing will change.    We all have to play to our strengths.    I'm the planner (mostly) in our relationship and I'm o.k with that.  It means we get to do a bunch of fun stuff.   He appreciates that about me and always thanks me for it.   He has his strengths too and I benefit from those.   Ying and yang

[mark clemson]

Sounds like a trip to a marriage counseler is in order. I respectfully disagree that your marriage is beyond saving, at least right now. Maybe, but maybe not. It can be difficult to communicate to a partner when your needs aren't being met, and sometimes a "referee" can help with that.

In a perfect world, marriages wouldn't need "work," but we don't live in a perfect world.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

7 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

I know I may be reaching here, but wanted to ask a question.   Does he have Aspergers?   

Or maybe he is just a narcissist.