Long term breakup

[Casciana]

Hey all

 

I've been with my partner for over 5 years- we own a home together. The last 12 months have been really tough, we haven't really got on and not had much of a sex life. We split up briefly late last year and she left for a few weeks but came back. 

 

Since the Covid19 crisis things have been very difficult, she was constantly out of the house- I had no idea where she was, so I was left alone alot. I've suspected there was someone else her side but not never had it confirmed until recently- I oversaw messages on her phone when sat next to her and actually caught her at this individuals house a couple of weeks back, she is adamant nothing happened or is happening and he was just a friend. I'm 30 years old, I'm not thick so know shes been cheating.

 

I called her out and shes now been gone for 3 weeks. We've agreed to have no contact so I can get my head straight. Question is it definitely over? Is she likely to come back? I'm not sure I even want her back. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Casciana said:

we own a home together.

I called her out and shes now been gone for 3 weeks. We've agreed to have no contact so I can get my head straight. Question is it definitely over? Is she likely to come back? I'm not sure I even want her back. 

 

Sorry to hear this. Eventually you'll have to sort out the house issue. Do you know where she is staying?

[Casciana]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Eventually you'll have to sort out the house issue. Do you know where she is staying?

She tells me her mums, I've got a feeling shes spending time there and his house 

[d0nnivain]

Yes it's over but since you own a house together you don't get the luxury of NC until you untangle your financial considerations.  

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, Casciana said:

Question is it definitely over? Is she likely to come back? I'm not sure I even want her back. 

Given that this is now the second break-up, I would say yes, it's over. A third attempt at a relationship is extremely unlikely to be successful. 

She's also evidently been getting cozy with another man. Even if that falls apart, you would never be able to trust her. That's also your indication that her emotional investment in your relationship is gone. She is no longer committed to you and doesn't respect you. 

You are going to need to sort out the logistics of the house and separating your property/finances. Once that is taken care of, you can make a clean break from her and work on healing. 

[schlumpy]

It's over if you feel that cheating is a deal breaker.

You don't give the impression of being that upset about it.

[Casciana]

11 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

It's over if you feel that cheating is a deal breaker.

You don't give the impression of being that upset about it.

I was devastated for a week or so and couldn't stop crying. We agreed to speak just over a week after she left and we agreed we both needed time to get our heads right and to have no contact for a while. Since then I've not been so upset.

 

Shes made it clear that if we do try and work things out we need to back to the beginning and start dating etc and she wont be moving back in straight away. I still love her so I cant dismiss the idea of getting back together but I don't know how I would cope knowing shes been with someone else. She did say as well she thinks it will be hard to get that passion we once had back.

 

Since the break up I've spent a lot of time at the gym and taking care of myself and I'm looking alot better- I'm intrigued to see how she react when she sees me.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Casciana said:

Shes made it clear that if we do try and work things out we need to back to the beginning and start dating etc and she wont be moving back in straight away.

This isn't a very realistic idea. 

Regressing in a long-term relationship is usually how people end it without feeling like the bad guy. It's just a longer way to break up. You own a home together and have been together 5 years. Going back to just dating and living separately isn't going to work; you can't just erase the previous 5 years and hit 're-set' on a relationship like that. 

Why did you break up the first time? 

[Casciana]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't a very realistic idea. 

Regressing in a long-term relationship is usually how people end it without feeling like the bad guy. It's just a longer way to break up. You own a home together and have been together 5 years. Going back to just dating and living separately isn't going to work; you can't just erase the previous 5 years and hit 're-set' on a relationship like that. 

Why did you break up the first time? 

We had a big arguement that had been building for a while. She went to her mums who talked her into coming back 

[ExpatInItaly]

35 minutes ago, Casciana said:

We had a big arguement that had been building for a while. She went to her mums who talked her into coming back 

And what was the gist of that? 

Sometimes it's enlightening to reflect and see if there were underlying issues that affected the end result (not her decision to cheat, but rather her choice to exit the relationship) 

[smackie9]

Sometimes relationships need to end for a reason and for everyone to move on. You two have had plenty of time to "try and work things out". And where are you both with this now? You need more than love to hold a relationship together, you need loyalty, respect, boundaries, compromise, compassion, supportive, etc. You will have to step back and see what you actually have. Happiness? Positivity? Hopefulness? if not it's a gone and done.

[rjc149]

2 hours ago, Casciana said:

Since the break up I've spent a lot of time at the gym and taking care of myself and I'm looking alot better- I'm intrigued to see how she react when she sees me.

Yes! This is how you handle breakups. 

But no, there is no hope of reconciliation. When a woman cheats, that's it. It's forever over. Without trust there cannot be intimacy and love, and you will never trust her again. You'll always be looking over your shoulder. 

As hard and painful as it is, your time is better spent forming new relationships than heating up leftovers. Don't beg and plead with her. Accept this, and walk away. This is what she wants so give it to her. Limit contact only to dealing with splitting whatever joint assets you have with her. Be professional about it. Polite, but curt, impersonal, and business only. 

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, Casciana said:

Shes made it clear that if we do try and work things out we need to back to the beginning and start dating etc and she wont be moving back in straight away. I still love her so I cant dismiss the idea of getting back together but I don't know how I would cope knowing shes been with someone else. She did say as well she thinks it will be hard to get that passion we once had back.

 

Ok, she made it clear. You are not married? She's the cheater and she's going to set the terms for you to come back to her?

I don't think so. I think she broke the relationship and it's up to her to fix it. Her cheating has nothing to do with you. This is all on her.

She needs to own up to her choices and I recommend you make her.

Have all her stuff trucked over to OM's home and put in driveway.

Divide up your finances and get your own checking and savings account. Take half the money. Cancel any joint credit cards and reapply for your own.

Is her phone on a joint plan? Cancel that plan and get a new one with only your phone on it.

Do you pay her car payment and insurance. Don't do it.

Go to HR and make sure she's off any life insurance you have, is not an emergency contact, and does not have any standing to assume "power of Attorney" in case you are disabled.

Cut her off financially and let her cheat on her on dime.

Do not talk to her. 

Tell her family, friends, your family and her lovers wife if he has one.

See a lawyer about selling the house since she is a co-owner. 

If she wants to come back then she better offer a significant sacrifice.

Remember that she has to fix, not you. Don't ever forget that.

If she doesn't want to fix then it was a waste of your time.

 

 

 

 

[FudgeSwirl]

During this time of no contact you should take the time to think about what you want to do.  I like many of those who commented find cheating to be a deal breaker.  If you feel the same way then take this time to plan how you plan to go about separation and divorce: self-representation, a mediator, or lawyers.  

If you decide during this period of reflection that you are willing to overlook the cheating you then have to think of what steps you both should take together to lead towards reconciliation, growth, and how to handle things healthily.  For instance before this cheating incident her staying with her mom a few weeks is not an appropriate way to deal with marital problems unless divorce is definite or there have been extreme circumstances like abuse.  Going into another room or taking a walk to blow steam are a different story because they help calm emotions and clear heads to make for more rational thinking when revisiting the problem or argument.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Casciana said:

We had a big arguement that had been building for a while. She went to her mums who talked her into coming back 

Was there abuse involved. Why does she always flee the relationship?

[Casciana]

There has never been any form of abuse, yes we have argued but never anything that anyone could call abuse.

 

I think a lot of this stems from me, not to make excuses but I witnessed something horrendous around 12 months ago which has effected my sleep, appetite and other things, i have all of the symptoms of suffering with PTSD. I have never told anyone this as I'm not a great communicator. We had a real honest conversation a couple of weeks ago were I told her I hadn't like who I'd become and she felt the same about her, and we both needed to sort our own heads out before considering what to do next- either call it quits or give things one last shot.

 

I dont know what I'd rather, I still love her but dont know if too much has gone on to make things work. I have a great relationship with her family and genuinely did see us having children and getting married- despite previously dismissing the idea to her.

[Wiseman2]

Why did she leave last year? It seems there's a lot of incompatibility. It may be time to accept that.

[Casciana]

I went out the night before after saying I was coming home by 10, I ended up staying out with friends until 3am. We had a big argument, and in the heat of the moment I told her to go. She tried to reconcile with me but i ignored her for a few days so she went to her mums

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Casciana said:

We had a big argument, and in the heat of the moment I told her to go. 

You can't kick someone out of thier own home because you're not winning the arguments. Yes that's abusive. If you need to stay out partying stay single.

You need to figure out how to sever your financial ties, buy her out or get out and divide your property.

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't kick someone out of thier own home because you're not winning the arguments.

This. It is her home too, is it not?

What were you thinking, OP? 

[snowboy91]

It's the second attempt at this relationship and she's cheated on you. And you're at a point where you're not in contact with each other to clear your minds.

I'm one to say that even at the first time, when a breakup happens, you regard it as "definitely" over then and there. Don't expect second chances unless you have a definitive way to try and make it work. If you do get to the second chance and it fails, well it just confirms it from the first time. I'm sorry.

Although this part hit me:

54 minutes ago, Casciana said:

I went out the night before after saying I was coming home by 10, I ended up staying out with friends until 3am. We had a big argument, and in the heat of the moment I told her to go. She tried to reconcile with me but i ignored her for a few days so she went to her mums

I'll put it to you this way - if I was in her position, I would have reason not to trust you. I understand as much as anyone that a night out can get away from you time wise, especially when you're having fun. But when you promise to be home a certain time and you don't get home, it's a broken promise, as minor as it may be. I'd much prefer to be told from the start that it's a night out with my friends, and we tend to stay out late - although it sounds sketchy, it's still truthful and gives the vibe of having less to hide.

Anyway - my point is that I'm wondering whether there is more than just this that has been slowly eroding at her sense of trust for you. When trust erodes, so does love.

Keep in mind that you own a home together. Obviously that's a major asset, so you need to do your best to get that sorted out as soon as possible. Getting the "practical" things out of the way will give you more time and space to process the emotional things.

[kendahke]

On 8/15/2020 at 11:37 AM, Casciana said:

Question is it definitely over? Is she likely to come back?

The question actually is: how much do you need to buy her out of her half of the house?

Is she still paying her share of the mortgage?  If not, then you need to get your financial ducks in a row.

Quote

actually caught her at this individuals house a couple of weeks back, she is adamant nothing happened or is happening and he was just a friend.

they're always "just a friend"...

Edited August 18, 2020 by kendahke

[Crazelnut]

This relationship is (and rightfully should be) done.  She cheated on you, and you behaved like a spoiled brat when she called you out on partying with your friends until 3am. Don't try to save this. Go to a lawyer and sort out the house issue. Then break up and go get some counseling. Between your inability to communicate and argue, your PTSD, and the break up, you could really use some serious counseling.