Have I made the right decision?

[DeenaDee]

The MM is someone I met through a friend over 15 years ago when we were both in our twenties and single. There was an instant strong mutual attraction between us and we began talking, which moved into a situationship that lasted a few years. He always treated me beautifully & respectfully during this time. We never really made it into a proper romantic relationship to the disappointment of many, mainly because we were young and not ready for it at the time.

Whilst we stopped seeing each other in a romantic/sexual sense we remained close as very good friends. Occasionally we’d be very flirtatious via text but that was it. Over time I moved away with my LT partner, he got married but there was always time for a birthday/Xmas or general text between us. 

Last year, we met up for the first time in years. We went for drinks and I was surprised that the sexual/flirtatious connection was still there.. we didn’t act on anything.

Recently we planned to meet again for drinks, as I was in the area. Unknown to me he had booked & checked into a fancy hotel before picking me up. Needless to say, after a few strong drinks & flirting. I slept with him.

A couple of weeks later after texting a lot, I got a message from him saying that a family problem had come up & he’d have to go quiet for a while.. That was fine, I told him to take care of his family & that I was there if he ever needed to talk on a serious level.

The next day, I woke up to a long text from him. He revealed that his marriage had been falling apart for some time & was probably over. He apologised for bringing me into it & asked me for a huge favour! He had told his wife a story involving me & this hotel room and he needed me to confirm his story if I was ever asked. I was confused as I did know of any marital problems yet alone how bad it was. He had made out everything was fine at home. 

His previous words then made sense, transference. I just reminded him of a time he was happy. Instead of cheating with a stranger, here I was, someone familiar who he felt extremely comfortable with. He called me later that morning, I couldn’t answer at the time. I sent him a message later hoping he was okay, it was then he told me that it was his wife who had called me from his phone!!

My heart sank, I replied eventually saying it was really unfair what he did to me and I blocked his number. I’m really hurt because he threw me & our friendship under the bus. We have always been really close. I would even call him one of my best friends. I’d be here forever if I tried to explain how deep our friendship had been.

Honestly, I made a hugely bad mistake, but I didn’t have any intention on starting an affair or anything like that afterward. I got too caught up in the moment. Had I known he was having marital issues I would have completely stayed away. I know how easy it is for transference to occur once you’re unhappy in a relationship. I also wouldn’t want to add more problems to an already failing marriage, it’s just not me. I don’t know how any of this came out to his wife, but I thought our friendship meant more than pushing me to lie for decisions he made without full disclosure to me.

I’ve done nothing but miss him since, we’ve never fallen out before & rightly or wrongly I’m also really angry with him. I don’t want to lose him as he has always meant a lot to me. Have I made the right decision in cutting him off? 

 

Edited August 16, 2020 by DeenaDee

[Nats_16]

As sad as it is I think you would be fooling yourself to think you could ever have a real life friendship as there is emotions involved and also his wife would not allow it. If you’re happy to settle for a text friendship then that’s for you to decide x

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, DeenaDee said:

A couple of weeks later after texting a lot, I got a message from him saying that a family problem had come up & he’d have to go quiet for a while..

He had told his wife a story involving me & this hotel room and he needed me to confirm his story if I was ever asked. 

He told me that it was his wife who had called me from his phone!!

He was discovered. Cheating. You may not have been the only one. You may just have been his “cover story.” I find it hard to believe that he cheated (you had sex) once, and he got caught. Either he is really bad at covering his tracks, or there is more going on here that you do not know...

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Had I known he was having marital issues I would have completely stayed away.

Somehow, it would have been ok to have an inappropriate friendship and have sex with the man if he was happily married? I think you are fooling yourself... You were somewhere you never should have been, you involved yourself in another woman’s marriage and you got caught. You should have completely stayed away all along... Lesson learned, married men are not available to have “friendships” with other women. Particularly not “friends” that they have sex with in fancy hotel rooms...

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His previous words then made sense, transference. I just reminded him of a time he was happy. 

This is called projection. 

Respectfully, this is pretty typical married man stuff. Don’t make the assumption that what he says is true, that he was unhappy at home. You don’t know if he was happy at home or unhappy at home before he was caught cheating. He was most definitely not happy at home AFTER he was caught cheating! All you know is what he told you, and this man is a liar. It would be foolish to believe a word he says - he’s already shown you what he is willing to do to cover his own behind...

Edited August 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 Lesson learned, married men are not available to have “friendships” with other women.

That's false and besides they were friend from before the marriage. Friendship CAN be a slippery slope, and indeed it was in the case. But that doesn't mean NO female friends ever. That's ridiculous.

The day my wife tells me I can't have any female friends is the day I tell her F that and if she doesn't like it she can leave, and IMO any self-respecting man would do the same.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

That's false and besides they were friend from before the marriage. Friendship CAN be a slippery slope, and indeed it was in the case. But that doesn't mean NO female friends ever. That's ridiculous.

I hear you Mark, I have male friends and it’s never been a problem. But, I don’t flirt with my friends. 

These two were “friends” who flirted and ultimately had sex - and that’s a very different thing. That’s not friendship - that crossed the line...

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The day my wife tells me I can't have any female friends is the day I tell her F that and if she doesn't like it she can leave, and IMO any self-respecting man would do the same.

All well and good, but how would your wife feel about a secret friendship with another woman that involves flirting? 

Edited August 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

The day my wife tells me I can't have any female friends is the day I tell her F that and if she doesn't like it she can leave, and IMO any self-respecting man would do the same.

I actually doubt that.
Putting your female friends before your wife and marriage? Really??

[BaileyB]

36 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

how would your wife feel about a secret friendship with another woman that involves flirting? 

What’s more, how would your answer change if your wife was involved in the same kind of behavior? 

Edited August 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[DeenaDee]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Quote

He was discovered. Cheating. You may not have been the only one. You may just have been his “cover story.” I find it hard to believe that he cheated (you had sex) once, and he got caught. Either he is really bad at covering his tracks, or there is more going on here that you do not know...

You’re right, I agree with you on this point!
 

Quote

Somehow, it would have been ok to have an inappropriate friendship and have sex with the man if he was happily married? I think you are fooling yourself... You were somewhere you never should have been, you involved yourself in another woman’s marriage and you got caught. You should have completely stayed away all along... Lesson learned, married men are not available to have “friendships” with other women. Particularly not “friends” that they have sex with in fancy hotel rooms...

You misunderstand me here, Firstly, I’m not condoning ANY of my behaviour, this is not a place I wanted to be, but sadly I am. I’ve known him over 15 years, long before he ever met his wife or got married. We’ve 

I wouldn’t want to sleep with a MM full stop, happy or not. I meant that meeting with him knowing he was unhappy is just asking for trouble. My thinking is a happily MM would have a good evening out & go home. Not book hotels etc

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Respectfully, this is pretty typical married man stuff. Don’t make the assumption that what he says is true, that he was unhappy at home. You don’t know if he was happy at home or unhappy at home before he was caught cheating. He was most definitely not happy at home AFTER he was caught cheating! All you know is what he told you, and this man is a liar. It would be foolish to believe a word he says - he’s already shown you what he is willing to do to cover his own behind...

Well, he hasn’t had a chance to say anything to me post it coming out. I don’t think I’m too interested 

 

[DeenaDee]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

All well and good, but how would your wife feel about a secret friendship with another woman that involves flirting? 

Our friendship wasn’t secret, well not on my side anyway (I can’t vouch for him). We haven’t been continually flirting over the past 15 years. Until last year, I hadn’t seen him in 6 years. Like I said initially, we sent birthday/Xmas and general texts now and then.

It’s really not that sordid 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, DeenaDee said:

We haven’t been continually flirting over the past 15 years. Until last year, I hadn’t seen him in 6 years.

You haven’t seen each other often, but it sounds like the nature of your relationship has always been flirtatious. Still, I hear what you are saying...

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My thinking is a happily MM would have a good evening out & go home. Not book hotels etc

Read this site, you would be surprised...

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I actually doubt that.
Putting your female friends before your wife and marriage? Really??

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

What’s more, how would your answer change if your wife was involved in the same kind of behavior? 

 

I've said it plenty of times - if there's a specific friend she feels threatened by she has the right to ask me to stop seeing that particular friends. If she tries to say I can't have female friends at all, then I don't want her. Too paranoid/controlling. Hasn't been a problem for us, fortunately.

She has male friends, including friends at her place of work. There was one she was office mates with in fact, but now he permanently works at home (he's older, almost at retirement age and apparently intends to do that permanently). She calls him once in a while and I've overheard parts of their conversations. It's all work politics and gossip type stuff. I'm not so insecure as to try to forbid these friendships.

IF she started showing signs of cheating on me with one (something reading this site helps a lot with), I might explore further. She's never gone out to dinner with one one-on-one (that I'm aware of) and so far the "ban a specific friend" has not yet been used in our marriage, it's more a philosophy.

I stand by what I wrote above, but to your earlier point Bailey, it seems we agree there that global "bans" are unreasonable (for most folks) and perhaps it was essentially how you phrased it. It IS true that friendships can lead to infidelity and we see that here with some frequency.

[mark clemson]

OP, in line with what several folks have mentioned above, how you feel is probably no longer the most important driver here. His wife now feels you are a threat to their marriage and will almost certainly forbid him from seeing you if they are to stay married. I suspect this will include any level of contact at from him, including "mere" friendship texts as she won't trust his intent in contacting you (rather understandably at this point).

THAT is likely to have much more impact than your (or his) feelings about the friendship, unless he is well and truly done with the marriage. You should move forward with that in mind IMO.

[DeenaDee]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

OP, in line with what several folks have mentioned above, how you feel is probably no longer the most important driver here. His wife now feels you are a threat to their marriage and will almost certainly forbid him from seeing you if they are to stay married. I suspect this will include any level of contact at from him, including "mere" friendship texts as she won't trust his intent in contacting you (rather understandably at this point).

THAT is likely to have much more impact than your (or his) feelings about the friendship, unless he is well and truly done with the marriage. You should move forward with that in mind IMO.

I completely hear that, and is sound advice.

I would understand and respect if this now means our friendship has to come to an end. In fact, it probably should. 

He’s a person who I would definitely miss as I don’t tend to let many people in, but my feelings aren’t really important here. I don’t know if there ever was trouble in the marriage beforehand, I doubt I ever will, but I don’t want to be any form of distraction to fixing that if that’s what they choose to do now or in the future.

[Crazelnut]

Well, it's done now, and you can never go back to being friends with this guy. In fact, you need to stay away from him completely. Block him completely so he has no way to contact. It's going to hurt, but it's really the only way to show his wife and marriage a modicum of respect.

If she reaches out to confirm the hotel room story, what are you going to do?  IMO, you should answer her questions honestly. This guy was scheming to have sex with you, and after you got drunk and slept with him, he threw you under the bus. You owe HIM nothing, but you owe HER everything she asks of you.

[Amethyst68]

You didn't mention your own LT partner. Are you still with them or are you single?

If a friend's having marital problems you're supposed to be there for them, encouraging them to do what's best for them and their family not have sex with them at the first opportunity you have.

At least be honest with yourself, you say you don't want an affair but if you met in person again what are the chances you'd just walk away?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are trying to make a hotel tryst into a romance story. 

[DeenaDee]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you are trying to make a hotel tryst into a romance story. 

I’m really not. 
I haven’t alluded to this at all, I know what it was

[elaine567]

Same old story.
Man in a  boring/unhappy marriage, looks around for likely suspects to cheat with. He may not have any good options in his life so he goes backwards in time and checks out his little black book.
He decides that you are an option.
He tests the waters on the first recent meet and feels so confident that the books a fancy hotel room for the second.
He was right, you were receptive and responsive.
BUT his wife smelt a rat and he, like so many cheaters, needs to cover his a$$ and he does not really care who else gets caught in the crossfire.
He used your friendship to   A) sleep with you and B) to lie to his wife...
He was no friend just a horny guy who got a buzz out of keeping an ex around as a friend and then slept with her when his marriage got boring.

[pepperbird2]

It sounds like you know what you need to do for your own peace of mind. Even though he may be missed, you're better off without him. It doesn't sound like he respected your friendship all that much.