In hotel room with female co-workers-am I over reacting

[sillychick]

Hi all

So my bf is on a special work project for 2 weeks with about 20 other co-workers.     Most of these co-workers have been brought in from out of state, but my bf and some others live close by so they aren't staying at the hotel but go back and forth from home for a daily meeting.   

This morning he was telling me a story and then said 'I was in the elevator going to the meeting room after hanging out with a couple people in one of their rooms'.   I said 'Tell me those co-workers were men'.   Well no, they were women.  

I trust him 100%, this isn't about trust or that I think anything was going on.    To me, this is about how it looks.   

So I told him I trust him, but it just looks bad.   Then he says 'but there were 2 of them in there with me', like this absolves him of anything whatsoever.   

Then he went on about the story.  'Well I got there early and the meeting room wasn't ready yet, so I texted the only other person I knew from the group and she invited me up to her room, I wasn't going to go but then she said that someone else was hanging out in her room also waiting, so I went'.   Like this hotel doesn't have seats in the lobby or something.  

I just think it looks bad.   He's wearing a logo shirt from a very well known company, walking out of another woman's hotel room.   I think it looks bad to the company, could look bad if another co-worker leaving his or her own room saw him, disrespectful of me to put himself in that position, etc., etc.   I'm all sorts of upset that he would put himself in that position and that he didn't think anything of it.   Well, he obviously knew it wasn't a good idea since he said he wasn't going to go with just the one co-worker, but once she told him the other one was there too, he decided it was o.k.    

He's not pushing back on this, I think he will realize he shouldn't do it again.    But I'm struggling a bit wondering if I'm making something out of nothing.  Thoughts?  

 

[mark clemson]

If you truly trust that nothing is happening, then making more of this than you already have sounds controlling to me.

[d0nnivain]

I think it's not 1950 anymore.  Nobody cares who walks out of who's room.   If multiple people were in there during the day it's no big deal.  They can't very well talk about confidential company matters in the lobby.  

[ExpatInItaly]

If you trust him, then you need to worry a lot less about what other people think.

It's his problem if it reflects poorly on the company. 

Edited August 16, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, sillychick said:

 I said 'Tell me those co-workers were men'.   Well no, they were women.  

It's important to be honest with yourself and him. This is not about how it looks. It's about how it feels to you that there are women as well as men at this hotel for two weeks. You seem not to want to come off as jealous or distrusting so instead used the how it looks angle. However he can read between the lines about the group collecting in one of the women's rooms before their rooms were ready. In his 50s he's not going on a frat house trip. Relax.

[BaileyB]

I wouldn’t be as worried that he was in a hotel room with a group of female coworkers as the fact that he is gathering with a group of people at all... I wouldn’t want him to be gathering to closely with others inside, because of the risk of coronavirus. 

Edited August 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In his 50s he's not going on a frat house trip. Relax.

Go on the OW forum, a big proportion of the cheating guys are in their 50s... as are the women they are cheating with...

Edited August 16, 2020 by elaine567

[sillychick]

Well thank you for replying.    Your responses surprise me some but I appreciate the perspective.   My bf is as loyal as they come, and if for some reason I was wrong about that, they can have him.     And I don't mean that lightly but I'm just saying, I'm really not worried about him and I know that nothing happened in the middle of the work day with these 2 women.    I just still think it looks bad but definitely appreciate the different perspectives.   

I won't bring it up again I will drop it.   This conversation happened right before he left for work this morning and I won't talk about it again.  He knows how I feel.   

[basil67]

I think you'd be surprised at how little complete strangers pay to the comings and goings of others who are going about their daily lives.   If someone walking past saw a man with a work logo coming out of a room, they wouldn't give it any thought.

It sounds like you're inventing a reason to stop him from doing this because you know your other reason has no merit.

Edited August 16, 2020 by basil67

[sillychick]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think you'd be surprised at how little complete strangers pay to the comings and goings of others who are going about their daily lives.   If someone walking past saw a man with a work logo coming out of a room, they wouldn't give it any thought.

It sounds like you're inventing a reason to stop him from doing this because you know your other reason has no merit.

I'm not worried about strangers as such as I am his manager, other co-workers.  They all know that he doesn't have a room at this hotel, that he's working from home.  So what if one of them sees him leaving the room of a female co-worker?    Nobody here thinks that looks bad?    

I also think in this day and age that men shouldn't put themselves in a position to be falsely accused of something.   One of the girls is in her 20's.    I just don't like it.   You can all think it's because I'm jealous, that's fine.   But I don't like it.    I won't mention it to him again but I don't have to think it's o.k

[basil67]

If you're talking about his manager or co-workers, then any reflection is on him - not on the company.   Personally, I wouldn't bat an eyelid, but that's because I'm a 'live and let live' kind of person.

He didn't put himself in a position to be falsely accused of something because there were two women in the room.  

[d0nnivain]

He knows his company culture.   I suspect that his managers won't give a flying fig as long as his work gets done & they aren't hearing complaints of sexual harassment  

[lana-banana]

Yes, you are making something out of nothing. When companies do retreats, holiday parties, trainings, etc, it's pretty normal for people to get rooms so there's no long commute or risk of drunk driving, and sometimes the conversation ends up in other people's rooms. Usually this ends up being 3-6 people anyway. And no, it doesn't look bad; there are all kinds of reasons why you might be in someone else's room---to talk client business, to vent about an annoying coworker downstairs, to take advantage of the really awesome beer/scotch somebody else brought in their suitcase. (The good stuff is always smuggled in secret, right?) As far as business needs are concerned, hotel rooms are appropriate for everything except interviews with prospective clients or interactions with non-employees. My husband and I have been on both sides of this and we've never had an issue because we're open about it. If your boyfriend is being open with you, you have nothing to worry about. If you don't trust the other women, that's on you. 

[MissBee]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think you'd be surprised at how little complete strangers pay to the comings and goings of others who are going about their daily lives.   If someone walking past saw a man with a work logo coming out of a room, they wouldn't give it any thought.

It sounds like you're inventing a reason to stop him from doing this because you know your other reason has no merit.

 

I agree.

As a stranger, I wouldn't pay attention to this nor would I even know whose room it was or the situation. As for the other coworkers, if any of them saw and were curious enough, they would probably quickly learn that all 3 of them had been hanging out and it wasn't anything strange. Were he slinking out at night in a robe, then yes, that would look bad, but if not, I seriously do not think any peeping toms or others were out and about paying attention and making up stories about it.

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't see anywhere what age this guy is, but I am gonna say that  most men wouldn't do this....For a whole variety of reasons, one most importantly is that we are living in times now where all it takes is someone to say or infer something and a guy is in a world of shyt...Nope...not going anywhere near that...especially if perhaps alcohol etc was involved...>A guy would have to have rocks in his head to do that...

Secondly, it's just not something typically men do....They don't "hang around and socialize" with women in hotel rooms...That doesn't mean that all of them don't but the vast majority of men just wouldn't do it...

And I think this is the issue with the OP...OP..You aren't crazy, nor do you sound unreasonable or controlling....Take it from a man(that is the same age as your guy if 50's)...guys generally don't do it....What you choose to do from here is your deal, but my point is inform you that its not really typical behavior..

Good luck

TFY

[snowboy91]

If I saw someone leaving the room of someone else with their work clothes on, I'd assume they were discussing work in there. Or relaxing before or between meetings. Given that most workplaces are a mix of male and female, it would be detrimental to say that chill time with close colleagues can only occur with those of the same sex.

Also - to look at it from another angle, if a male can't be in a female room because it "looks bad" by the assumption they were being intimate, then males can't be in another male's room, or females can't be in a females' room since they may be gay/lesbian and being intimate and it looks similarly "bad". You can quickly get into a lot of assumptions and semantics... or just let it go since the "what about..."s get too complicated.

Edited August 17, 2020 by snowboy91

[Veronica73]

I doubt that seeing a guy in work clothes walking out of a colleague’s hotel room during the day would look bad to most people. But obviously it would to some. Yourself (the OP) being one. 

[Wiseman2]

Don't mother him. He's a big boy and knows how to act at work. This is about you, not how it looks.

[ShyViolet]

I don't believe that you're actually worried about "how it looks" from a work standpoint or how it might reflect badly on the company.  Why don't you be honest and just say that you don't like the idea of him being in a hotel room with another woman or women.

I do think you're overreacting.  You clearly say that you trust him and you know he had no intentions of cheating or anything like that.  Multiple people were hanging out in a hotel room during the day as part of a work function.  This is not a big deal.  You need to back off a little.

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, sillychick said:

I'm not worried about strangers as such as I am his manager, other co-workers.  They all know that he doesn't have a room at this hotel, that he's working from home.  So what if one of them sees him leaving the room of a female co-worker?    Nobody here thinks that looks bad?    

Not really. 

If it were the middle of the night, and he looked like he was trying to sneak out of a room without being seen by his coworkers, then yes, that would raise an eyebrow. 

But confidently strolling out in the middle of the day in company uniform? I would barely even notice, and if I did, I wouldn't assume he was guilty of something naughty. At the end of the day, if you know you can trust him, why do you place so much value on what his coworkers might incorrectly assume? You know the truth, and that's all that matters. 

Or isn't it? 

EDIT: I take it this is the same man you posted about last year. How have things progressed in your relationship since then? I ask because sometimes questions such as the present one are fueled or triggered by other underlying concerns. 

Edited August 17, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[sillychick]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

EDIT: I take it this is the same man you posted about last year. How have things progressed in your relationship since then? I ask because sometimes questions such as the present one are fueled or triggered by other underlying concerns. 

Hi.   Yes it is.    Things are great, we had a long conversation Dec/Jan timeframe and made plans to move in together next spring.   In that discussion, I realized his biggest issue with moving in together was being able to envision how we would get from point A to point B.  It was stressful for him to think about.   We both own houses that need some work to get them ready to hit the market, he has a lot of stuff due to a hobby he has (4 car garage!  lol)   he didn't really want to move in to my house since there's really not enough room for his toys and I don't really want to move in to his.   Neither are practical for us as a couple.   So we were able to hatch a plan for the move that made sense and it helped him to see how we would get there.   I'm more of a planner, he doesn't always like change, especially when it's difficult.    So since then, he's all on board, we are looking at houses, kicking tires,  excited about a new place together.  So things are great on that end.  

Maybe I watch too much true crime or maybe I'm a bit old fashioned or maybe it's the climate that our world is in today.  Many a career have been ruined by false allegations, he is looking to be promoted in his company, etc.   So as I believe it was all innocent, I just don't think he should put himself in the position when there was no reason to.   They were waiting on one of the managers to show up and run the meeting, they were just in there bs'ing, it could have been done in the lobby.    I know most of you disagree and that's fine.   

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, sillychick said:

Maybe I watch too much true crime or maybe I'm a bit old fashioned or maybe it's the climate that our world is in today.  Many a career have been ruined by false allegations, he is looking to be promoted in his company, etc.   So as I believe it was all innocent, I just don't think he should put himself in the position when there was no reason to.   They were waiting on one of the managers to show up and run the meeting, they were just in there bs'ing, it could have been done in the lobby.    I know most of you disagree and that's fine.   

You are going to need to trust that he's capable of making decisions about things like this. Do you feel he genuinely lacks good judgment? That he's unable to read a situation and needs more guidance on professional conduct? 

As for whether we disagree with you or not, it's rather irrelevant. What counts is that you and your boyfriend are not on the same page here. Your choice is therefore to decide if you want to make him agree with you, let this go, or let this be the hill you die on. 

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't sound like he's up to something.

[sillychick]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are going to need to trust that he's capable of making decisions about things like this. Do you feel he genuinely lacks good judgment? That he's unable to read a situation and needs more guidance on professional conduct? 

As for whether we disagree with you or not, it's rather irrelevant. What counts is that you and your boyfriend are not on the same page here. Your choice is therefore to decide if you want to make him agree with you, let this go, or let this be the hill you die on. 

I 100% will let it go.    

He brought it up last night so we talked about it.   I explained my concerns and he talked about his thoughts.  

His thought process is that there were 2 women in the room together so he wasn't worried about how it looked.   He mentioned that when he has to train people in his job, if the new hire is a woman, his company will send 2 people to ride along with him because of the same reason, that they don't want there to ever be any question, so they do that as a 'safety measure'.    It's policy.   So he was thinking the same thing here, there are 2 women in the room, he's not alone with a female co-worker and it's the same as if he is with a new hire in his car all day with another person also.   

I think my issue is not his judgment or that I think anything inappropriate was going on, it's just that I know he HATES any sort of confrontation or sticky situation, so let's say one of the women leaves the room to go back to her own room, now he is alone with one of them.   I know it will make him uncomfortable and then what?  He makes an excuse to leave and it looks obvious?   Or he stays and he feels uncomfortable?   Will he then worry that he will be walking out of a hotel room with one of them and a manager will see him and raise eyebrows?    I know him well enough to know that this would actually make him very uncomfortable if the situation played out like that.      So I think my issue all along has been, why put yourself in that position at all when it could be so easily avoided?  It could look bad and why take that risk for no reason when you could have waited in the lobby?   I just think he didn't think it through is all.   

He knows that I don't think anything inappropriate went on.    At the end of the day I told him that he knows these women, I do not, and he does have a good judge of character so if he felt he wasn't putting himself in an awkward situation then I understood.    Case closed.    I definitely think I did overreact some after reading other's perspectives, I also think he does have some good points but I still feel it was a bad idea.   It's over and probably won't be brought up again.   

I do appreciate all of your posts and thoughts.    

Edited August 19, 2020 by sillychick
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[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, sillychick said:

So I think my issue all along has been, why put yourself in that position at all when it could be so easily avoided?  It could look bad and why take that risk for no reason when you could have waited in the lobby?   I just think he didn't think it through is all.   

He knows that I don't think anything inappropriate went on.    At the end of the day I told him that he knows these women, I do not, and he does have a good judge of character so if he felt he wasn't putting himself in an awkward situation then I understood.    Case closed.    I definitely think I did overreact some after reading other's perspectives, I also think he does have some good points but I still feel it was a bad idea.   It's over and probably won't be brought up again.   

There's your answer. 

And yes, best to let this one go.