What to do?

[Emwood]

Hi 👋 

My husband & I have been together 17 years, married for 8.  We have lived together for 11 years and have a 17month old son, who is absolutely amazing. 

I am lost.  I absolutely adore my son, he is my sole focus and I love him unconditionally.  But my husband, I am questioning whether I am still in love with him and most of the time, I conclude that I'm not.  

I got married to be married.  I've always had the view that once you're married that's it, you work through the bad times and you don't walk away just because it's got a bit tough.  But, I honestly dont know if I can stay.

I feel that we have both changed and grown in ways that are no longer compatible.  I feel we both feel unhappy deep down, and just 'exist'.  But, I am so confused.   I don't feel a deep connection or a strong sense of love for him.  I feel irritable around him, he makes me feel sad and insufficient and inadequate, most of the time without realising it.  He has a short fuse and speaks to me in such a horrid way sometimes, yet never sees it.  He genuinely believes he does nothing wrong.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and it's all him, but I just don't know what to do anymore.  It breaks me to even consider separating my sons family, that's not what I want for him.  And I'll forever feel like a failure and that I've let him down if we separate, but I also am struggling to see a way forward that involves true happiness. I just feel lonely and miserable inside all the time.

We're not intimate, I'm not even sure if we're attracted to each other.  I've piled on so much weight mainly because I find comfort from food and I've just felt so down and emotional for years.  I don't even recognise myself. 

Inside I'm screaming that it's time to move forward and leave, but something keeps me here just in case I'm not thinking straight or things get better.  

I am sad.

[Veronica73]

How long have you felt this way?

I’ve heard from some people that it might not be a great idea to divorce when you have a young child. Mostly because kids that young are exhausting, and they are what you have to focus on for the most part. But things will get easier and normalize as they grow up a bit. (Kind of a “this too shall pass” viewpoint.) I don’t know if that’s true for you. I guess it just struck me that you have been together for so long, but that now that you have a very young child, you want to leave. 

Edit: Also, is there somebody else in the picture for you?

Edited August 17, 2020 by Veronica73

[Wiseman2]

Get to a doctor. Explain the weight gain, dispair and general malaise.

Your focus on your child is great but you are hiding behind him to justify things.

How long have you felt bad about your marriage and husband? Are you financially dependant on him?

[Emwood]

5 hours ago, Veronica73 said:

How long have you felt this way?

I’ve heard from some people that it might not be a great idea to divorce when you have a young child. Mostly because kids that young are exhausting, and they are what you have to focus on for the most part. But things will get easier and normalize as they grow up a bit. (Kind of a “this too shall pass” viewpoint.) I don’t know if that’s true for you. I guess it just struck me that you have been together for so long, but that now that you have a very young child, you want to leave. 

Edit: Also, is there somebody else in the picture for you?

Hi Veronica 

It's been for around 3 years really.  Long story short, I've suffered with my mental health on and off over the last few years and I became quite poorly in 2017 with depression.  Lots of things were happening that contributed to that, but it really strained our marriage.  I think, if I'm honest, that's where we really started to crack.  Of course it's been hard since having Thomas but he certainly hasn't added any strain, the cracks were there already.  

I love our family, I love all the wonderful memories we've got, and I don't want to break any of that up.  But we just don't get on anymore, we don't communicate well at all. I've tried talking to him several times, but he never changes and I always feel like he manages to point the blame at me all the time so I just feel like I've hit a brick wall.

There's no one else in the picture at all, if you're referring to anyone else having caught my eye.  Absolutely not.

 

 

Edited August 17, 2020 by Emwood

[Emwood]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get to a doctor. Explain the weight gain, dispair and general malaise.

Your focus on your child is great but you are hiding behind him to justify things.

How long have you felt bad about your marriage and husband? Are you financially dependant on him?

I've felt this way for a few years, but don't get me wrong I haven't been miserable 24/7 all that time.  It just feels we always circle back to the same issues and don't move forward and I just feel stuck, and don't have the energy to keep having the same arguments, or sadness etc.

No I'm not financially dependant on him, it's actually the other way around.  

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Emwood said:

I've felt this way for a few years, but don't get me wrong I haven't been miserable 24/7 all that time.  It just feels we always circle back to the same issues and don't move forward and I just feel stuck, and don't have the energy to keep having the same arguments, or sadness etc.

No I'm not financially dependant on him, it's actually the other way around.  

What are the arguments about? Why are you trying to change him? If you suffer from mental health issues focus on yourself and address medical and support treatment. Did you go off medication for the pregnancy?

Stop talking at your husband. Start taking action to feel better physically and mentally. You deny the impact of pregnancy having a toddler on your life, marriage and health.

[Emwood]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What are the arguments about? Why are you trying to change him? If you suffer from mental health issues focus on yourself and address medical and support treatment. Did you go off medication for the pregnancy?

Stop talking at your husband. Start taking action to feel better physically and mentally. You deny the impact of pregnancy having a toddler on your life, marriage and health.

Wow! So many assumptions made in that message. 

I'm not trying to change him, far from it, I am trying to understand how he feels and establish a way we can communicate better with each other.  If I am feeling this way, but didn't talk to him about it, then how can I expect there ever to be a chance we can move forward.  I actually want our future to be together, I don't want our family to seperate, but I also want us to be in a loving and happy unit and right now we aren't.

I have focused on myself, I have been treated for depression and anxiety and I whilst I'll likely always have triggers, I am currently not suffering.  So, yes I have addressed those concerns and done what I needed to do but they are now not an issue.  If you read my earlier post you will see that I said I believe there is a link to when our cracks started to appear and me being poorly.  He found it extremely difficult, understandably.  

I'm not sure I understand what you're asking with regards to medication and my pregnancy.  If you're asking whether I was on medication for depression, and if I came off it whilst pregnant then, no I wasn't on medication.  I wasn't suffering with any mental health issues at that point, I had been treated and had recovered.  

I don't believe I am talking at my husband and I struggle to understand how you can make such a statement.  I have tried to talk with my husband, which is both reasonable and healthy.  I have shared my feelings and I taken on board things that I could do better; the point I made earlier was that we both have areas we can improve to help our relationship and whilst I'm far from perfect, my frustration is he doesn't seem to even try and make things better for us.  It feels very one sided.  

Also to reiterate, I am not feeling this way or having issues because I have been pregnant or had a child! Yes children are tiring and hardwork but we do manage that really well and it is no way the source of our problems.  The problems were already there, they have just festered away because we're not moving forward and I am now trying to understand how I can move forward.  I guess having had a child makes me more motivated to move forward, because I don't want our problems to have a negative impact on our child's life. 

[Wiseman2]

What do you mean by move forward? If you can't communicate with your husband or identify issues have you considered marriage therapy?

[Emwood]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you mean by move forward? If you can't communicate with your husband or identify issues have you considered marriage therapy?

Move forward as in, resolve whatever issues are currently hindering us and figure out a way of making it work or; if that isn't the viable option now (I'm hoping it is) part-ways and find a solution that enables us to co-parent and remain amicable.  

I have considered couples therapy, I haven't suggested it to my husband yet but I think if I'm honest, that's where my head is at now as when I try and talk to him we never seem to have a reasonable discussion or, we do, but then we revert to our old ways which don't work.

[Veronica73]

Yeah, I think couples therapy sounds like a good idea, personally.

Edit: Sorry if I forgot...but are you in individual therapy? You mentioned that you have been having mental health problems for a bit.

Edited August 17, 2020 by Veronica73

[Wiseman2]

Hindering you from what? Move forward to what?

If you are interested in divorce,why not consult an attorney privately and review your options with regard to division of property and child support and custody.

If he is not amenable to talking, solving whatever nebulous issues there are or marriage therapy, then consult a therapist on your own to develop either a better communication style or an amicable exit strategy.

Edited August 17, 2020 by Wiseman2

[schlumpy]

Counseling is perfectly fine but you both have to want to fix the marriage and it doesn't sound to me (I beg your pardon if I'm wrong) that you do. I don't have a clear picture of your husband to know his state of mind. He could feel the same way you do about the marriage or he could be befuddled as to how to reduce the distance between you two. Certainly the baby must be a consideration for him also.

I'm sorry for you because this is going to be very painful but I think you should go for the separation. People change as they grow older and some change more then others. What you wanted fifteen years ago is not what you want now. If you spend six months on your own you may get a clearer picture of exactly what is driving you in this direction. It may well be that you are no longer in love with your husband but he may find out he is no longer in love with you. He may find out that he is loving life again. Separation can have two edges.

 

[Emwood]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hindering you from what? Move forward to what?

If you are interested in divorce,why not consult an attorney privately and review your options with regard to division of property and child support and custody.

If he is not amenable to talking, solving whatever nebulous issues there are or marriage therapy, then consult a therapist on your own to develop either a better communication style or an amicable exit strategy.

Hindering us from having a healthy happy relationship.  Move forward generally...no specific destination, just move forward with our lives so we're not stuck in a rut co-existing! 

One of my close friends is a family lawyer so I have the means to get legal guidance as and when I'm at that point, but the purpose of this post was to get some perspectives on how I'm feeling and it's made it clear to me I'm not at that point yet.  Thank you though for your suggestion.  

I think couples therapy could be really beneficial, I think my husband would benefit from talking to someone not as involved with me.  I really want him to feel able to be honest and sometimes I don't think he is, but that's just my thought.  I like your suggestion of exploring individual therapy if he isn't keen, that could actually help me better my side of things and hopefully add value to our relationship still.

[d0nnivain]

The combo of your underlying depression, your weight gain & possibly some post-partum thing plus Covid is making everything worse.   Address the weight because that is the easiest to control. (& I say that knowing how hard weight loss can be) 

Since you agree that couples counseling would be beneficial, start there before you talk to a lawyer.  

Also try to be specific about what would bring your relationship back to life.  You throw out some general I'm not happy stuff but that is too vague.  What can you do with the Covid restrictions to bring back that spark?  Communicate that to your husband & start from there.  

[snowboy91]

Just to add a different perspective... you sound quite concerned about the effect that a potential separation would have on your child.

Your heart is absolutely in the right place, but keep in mind that as that kid grows up, he will be taking notice of his environment. It's one thing to show that a "mom and dad together" relationship is the norm, but that also includes the level and type of affection you show to your partner. And if that's lacking, then it may have an effect on how your child perceives relationships. If there is a good chance that you could have a healthy co-parenting relationship, I wouldn't see it as quite as detrimental in the long run out of the available alternatives.

I say that coming from a situation where my parents lied about their breakup and pretended everything was OK for a very long time. I'm still trying to unlearn habits and expectations years later.

[notbroken]

What makes you think you will be happier and/or any less depressed without your husband?   

 

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, Emwood said:

 I feel irritable around him, he makes me feel sad and insufficient and inadequate, most of the time without realising it.  He has a short fuse and speaks to me in such a horrid way sometimes, yet never sees it.  He genuinely believes he does nothing wrong.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and it's all him, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

I agree that you need marriage counseling. It's possible it would be the prelude to a divorce, but at least you know you tried it. It sounds to me like you are both unhappy and might benefit from finding ways to reduce the unhappiness and increase happiness, as well as recognizing and reducing the amount of "emotional venting" you do upon each other. Sometimes it's not until you're actually near the edge of the cliff that you start to be willing to take the steps that might stop you from going over it.

 

[ShyViolet]

Is he at least a good parent?  If the relationship is dead, maybe you should move forward with a plan to separate and be co-parents, to keep as much stability as possible for your child.  Just because you have a child, that doesn't mean you have to stay with someone who you are miserable with.  That actually does not set a good example for your child.